Lost stuffed animal

[bethben]

My daughter lost her favorite stuffed animal (at least temporarily?).  She feels like he ran away from her or is hiding purposely.  She is 12.  Emotionally she is much younger to the point that when her 9 year old friend comes to play, I feel like her friend is more mature.  She was adopted and has mild attachment issues and is seeing a counselor for this very reason.  I'm not sure what to do about this.  In her head, she knows it's a stuffed animal, but in reality, he's her best friend.  I sure hope we find this thing.  

[Tanaqui]

Well, I'd definitely bring it up with the counselor, but I'm sure you already plan to. I hope you find it too.

[SKL]

I hope you find it.  My two 12-year-olds are also very attached to their special toys and would be devastated to lose them.  (Incidentally, they were also adopted - not sure if that matters or not.)

[SKL]

If you have a photo of the stuffie, perhaps you could text/email it to places you have been to recently, in case anyone finds it.

[Tanaqui]

8 minutes ago, SKL said:

If you have a photo of the stuffie, perhaps you could text/email it to places you have been to recently, in case anyone finds it.

 

Put up posters like with a lost pet? "Reward, no questions asked", that sort of thing?

The older kiddo once lost their favorite stuffed animal - this was actually the replacement after losing the first on the train - and three days later whoever had found it placed it on a fire hydrant for us to find, neatly washed.

Man, I'd forgotten about that. The kids used to laugh at my diligence in carefully picking up all mislaid keys and scarves and hats and such I found on the sidewalk and placing them over the nearest fence or branch or hydrant so they were more visible couldn't get kicked into the curb, but for the first time they realized that this wasn't my weird quirk!

[Storygirl]

When DS15 was about 12, he left his favorite stuffed animal in a hotel room. We went back, but it was gone. He did have another copy of the same animal, because we bought an extra when he was a baby, but he knew which one was the "real" one, and the substitute was not the same. Actually, we had three copies of Elephant, because MIL also gave us an extra.

DS was upset. I think we had to talk with him about it for a week or two, and then he came to an acceptance. He will still bring Elephant up every once in awhile, and we acknowledge that we are all sad to be without him.

In our case, we knew that we would never get Elephant back. It happened when we were on vacation, and we checked with the hotel a week later, when we were on our way back through the area, to see if Elephant had shown up. It might be more difficult to come to acceptance if there is still hope that the toy will reappear.

I think DH was more upset than DS was. DH is the one who went back to check at the hotel at the end of the trip, and when he came to tell DS that Elephant was gone, DH cried.

It may have helped DS that he knew that we cared and were also sad. I think we talked about Elephant being off and having adventures of his own.

DS was also young for his age. And adopted. So the experience was more intense for him than it perhaps would have been for a typical 12 year old.

Edited August 19, 2019 by Storygirl

[MercyA]

Praying that you will find it soon! We would all be devastated if my DD lost her favorite stuffed kitty. 

Where was the last place she had it?

[MaBelle]

That is so traumatic for little people!  GD#3 left her two otters, Crunchy and something or other here one day.  Discovered it at bedtime.  We're about 20 minutes away so I texted her a picture of them sleeping in a doll bed here and that was good enough until I could get them to her.  

Stuffed friends are the best friends!

 

[bethben]

The stuffed dog was found.  I'm not against a child having a special toy and being devastated when they lose it (my 47 year old sister still has part of her blanket that she sleeps with from when she was little),  but it seems she really believes that this dog is alive.  She doesn't like him when he plays hide and seek.  She felt like perhaps her dog ran away from her and that is why she couldn't find it.  She'll talk to the dog in her room and laugh at its antics even though she is the one making those antics happen.  I just thought that by 12, this extreme imagination would stop.  It's like she's placing on the dog the feelings of abandonment she has felt from her birth parents.  I want this dog to be just her special toy that gives her comfort instead of this alive thing that would choose to abandon her also.

[SKL]

My kids also seem to treat their special toys as more than inanimate objects.  Rationally, they know it isn't true, but they still will not come out and say it.  One of mine, close to age 13, still says "they are real," even though she doesn't actually think they are live polar bears who are going to get up and move themselves.  She says goodnight to all of her critters when she goes to bed.  She makes sure she isn't giving any of her 3 bears preferential treatment over each other.

I know this is not exactly rational, but I don't feel like it's a problem either.  I think that deep down, they know, even though they still want to cling to the idea that they could be real.  They don't want to be the ones declaring that the magic is gone.

I never really thought about this before, but maybe it is related to the idea of hoping, wishing, that a person is permanent even though someone important in their  past wasn't.  It might be too scary to address the possibility that their loving parent (currently you and I) might leave.  Deep down, they know that there is no actual guarantee that we won't.  The ties holding us - are they strong enough?  You and I would say, well of course, but to a child who has been through a disruption, it's not that simple.

The same child who says her bears are "real" - she is also the one who worries about me dying.  It may all be related.

For now, I still play along with my kids.  They know I am playing, but this gives them the freedom to give up the fantasy when they are ready.

Edited August 19, 2019 by SKL

[SKL]

Oh, and I'm glad the dog was found.  🙂

[Storygirl]

I'm glad that she found it!

Perhaps it would help to talk to her counselor about her connection to the dog. My gut feeling is that there is nothing for you to worry about, and that it is a emotional coping mechanism for her, which may be very healthy, even though it seems strange to you. But the counselor may be able to shed some light. I think if the dog is a positive element in her life, that it's good for you to show support for it, even if you don't understand it. I understand that things like that can seem annoying or even concerning. But it might be better for her not to know that you feel that way and for the dog to be an area of connection with you, if possible.

[Tanaqui]

I'm glad you found the dog.

[MercyA]

So happy the dog was found! I would not be concerned about her imaginary exploits with her stuffed animal. My DD11 still engages in similar play and I consider it perfectly fine and healthy. You said that your DD is less emotionally mature than others her age and I would take that into account as well.

[Guest]

As someone who once drove back from Clarksville TN to Knoxville to pick up MY stuffed dragon (my husband gave him to me after our son died-he’s my body pillow), I see nothing wrong with being worried about a stuffed friend. My daughter has 7 of the same dragon puppet. And while she has reduced a lot of stuffed animals, all 7 of the “Draggies” are staying!

[katilac]

I'm glad he was found! I don't think her attachment sounds terribly unusual. Laughing at 'his' antics sounds very typical to me. Straightforwardly wondering if he ran away, less so, but there may be an element of intentionally suspended disbelief going on. You say she is a bit immature for her age, and I would guess that a stressful event like this might trigger a more immature response than usual. I have a fair number of younger nieces and nephews, and even the ones who are 9 or 10 often seem to believe their playacting, especially in the moment. 

On 8/19/2019 at 7:09 AM, Storygirl said:

 I think DH was more upset than DS was. DH is the one who went back to check at the hotel at the end of the trip, and when he came to tell DS that Elephant was gone, DH cried.

Awww! 😍

[Katy]

On 8/19/2019 at 2:05 PM, bethben said:

The stuffed dog was found.  I'm not against a child having a special toy and being devastated when they lose it (my 47 year old sister still has part of her blanket that she sleeps with from when she was little),  but it seems she really believes that this dog is alive.  She doesn't like him when he plays hide and seek.  She felt like perhaps her dog ran away from her and that is why she couldn't find it.  She'll talk to the dog in her room and laugh at its antics even though she is the one making those antics happen.  I just thought that by 12, this extreme imagination would stop.  It's like she's placing on the dog the feelings of abandonment she has felt from her birth parents.  I want this dog to be just her special toy that gives her comfort instead of this alive thing that would choose to abandon her also.

 

I'm sure you already know this, but that play is therapeutic for her.  Even if she's the one who hid him, she's working through those feelings of abandonment with a toy that doesn't really matter, even if her feelings about being abandoned DO really matter. It is healthy and good and much better for her to work through this now, when she is safe, then in a few years with a string of boyfriends.

How are you doing?  Do you have enough support?

[Pronghorn]

My eighteen-year-old, also adopted, still brings two stuffed animals in the car whenever we go someplace. When I drop her off at choir and Dad picks her up, she brings them into choir with her so that they are with her for the trip home. She does not care if her peers judge her. When she took a community college class, one sat on her desk during class. She and her stuffed animals will be moving into a college dorm in another week or so.

I try to trust my child to know what she needs.

Edited August 21, 2019 by Pronghorn

[Guest]

On 8/19/2019 at 3:05 PM, bethben said:

The stuffed dog was found.  I'm not against a child having a special toy and being devastated when they lose it (my 47 year old sister still has part of her blanket that she sleeps with from when she was little),  but it seems she really believes that this dog is alive.  She doesn't like him when he plays hide and seek.  She felt like perhaps her dog ran away from her and that is why she couldn't find it.  She'll talk to the dog in her room and laugh at its antics even though she is the one making those antics happen.  I just thought that by 12, this extreme imagination would stop.  It's like she's placing on the dog the feelings of abandonment she has felt from her birth parents.  I want this dog to be just her special toy that gives her comfort instead of this alive thing that would choose to abandon her also.

Well, maybe this is a way she can process those feelings of abandonment in a healthy (healthier?) way. It may be a net benefit. 

[Guest]

On 8/19/2019 at 3:59 PM, SKL said:

My kids also seem to treat their special toys as more than inanimate objects.  Rationally, they know it isn't true, but they still will not come out and say it.  One of mine, close to age 13, still says "they are real," even though she doesn't actually think they are live polar bears who are going to get up and move themselves.  She says goodnight to all of her critters when she goes to bed.  She makes sure she isn't giving any of her 3 bears preferential treatment over each other.

I remember when I was a kid - and not that little, either; probably 11 or 12 - I had a book of fairy tales that had a particular fairy tale that I just loved. The illustration in the book was also extremely beautiful. I remember several times literally praying to God that this magical thing in the story could be real and could happen to me. Rationally, I knew it was fantasy, but there was still a part of me that didn’t want to accept that it was impossible.