Eldercare, putting away dirty laundry, and angry at me

[Janeway]

Monday night, my dad called suddenly needing his sheets washed. I was driving my children to an activity out of town and said I could not do it but would come over Tuesday. On Tuesday, I went over and started the first load in to the washing machine but then had to leave and said I would come back later to switch the laundry over. I tried to get my dad to come along to see how it is done. I left. I came back later and my dad had folded all his laundry and put it away. "Dad, I had not washed the laundry yet." oh. Okay, I asked him if I should take his clothes back out and wash them. He said no. I asked again if he was sure. I said how about if I just take the second set of sheets that I had not washed yet home and I will wash them there, fine. I took the clean sheets back last night. I went over there this morning and he was upset and agitated. He is certain my husband cussed at him a few years ago. He wants an apology from my husband. He has started on this recently and I usually manage to distract him but not today. He kept going on and on that he is my husband's father-in-law so my husband has to do what he says. Umm..okay. Not. Also, for some reason, last night, he brought up Grandpa, as in Mom's dad. I loved Mom's dad. He died almost 18 and a half years ago. He says he thinks I liked Grandpa even though Grandpa did not like him. I said I LOVED Grandpa and the moon could have hung on Grandpa. Maybe I should not have said that.  That might be what set him off today. A few weeks ago, he was angry my sister's husband did not offer him a drink while Dad had a drink in his hand. Today, Dad was so worked up that I finally had to just leave. In the past, I just skirted around the issue but he just kept pushing it and claiming my husband did this. I finally just had to say it did not happen. He also claims he replaced the tile in my kitchen on my house that was new when we bought it. He did not. He claims my husband blew up at him and cussed at him over it. My husband did not, it never happened. 

 

I did not want to leave things on a sour note. I spoke to the nurse when I left and told her he was upset. But this is not a case of a man who was a wonderful loving father and father in law and grandpa who is having issues now. This is a case of a man who never gave his grandkids the time of day who expects me to come over and care for him all the time. But I know how bad I feel about losing Mom so I don't want to have regrets when Dad dies. But I am starting to wonder if my regrets when he dies will be more along the lines of never standing up to him.

[HS Mom in NC]

Sounds typical of many elderly people with dementia/Alzheimer's.  Confusion causes anger in many people.  Some people are generally prone to fixating and remembering the worst.  Some people are prone to altering reality to match their emotions and suspicions rather than altering their emotions and suspicions to match reality.  It gets worse as they get older.  I would talk to his doctor or medical staff or whoever is responsible for his meds about putting him on some sort of anti-anxiety/mood stabilizing medication. You're not going to solve this by saying logical or loving/reassuring things.  You can still say them if it makes you feel better, but it won't make him feel or act better.  Someone with his background who hasn't worked his sh!t out in his relationships isn't going to suddenly do so in his elder years while his brain is deteriorating. That time is loooooooong gone.  Now, at the end of his life, it's time to mercifully make what's left calm and peaceful and that's going to require pharmaceuticals.

You're generous and kind trying to maintain a relationship after all you've been through. This is a hard phase of life for anyone, but far more challenging for adult children and their families who haven't been loved, nurtured, and appreciated for all that they are and all that they've done.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

Edited July 31, 2019 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[QueenCat]

10 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Sounds typical of many elderly people with dementia/Alzheimer's.  Confusion causes anger in many people.  Some people are generally prone to fixating and remembering the worst.  Some people are prone to altering reality to match their emotions and suspicions rather than altering their emotions and suspicions to match reality.  It gets worse as they get older.  I would talk to his doctor or medical staff or whoever is responsible for his meds about putting him on some sort of anti-anxiety/mood stabilizing medication. You're not going to solve this by saying logical or loving/reassuring things.  You can still say them if it makes you feel better, but it won't make him feel or act better.  Someone with his background who hasn't worked his sh!t out in his relationships isn't going to suddenly do so in his elder years while his brain is deteriorating. That time is loooooooong gone.  Now, at the end of his life, it's time to merciful make what's left calm and peaceful and that's going to require pharmaceuticals.

 

 

This... it really does sound like dementia/Alzheimer's. If so, he can't help it.

[PeachyDoodle]

Agreeing that this sounds like dementia. My late grandmother wouldn't speak to me for weeks because she was convinced I had stolen her car. When she got over that, she went after my mother for stealing the bowl she liked to keep her mixed nuts in.

It's sad and frustrating, but I would suggest reading up on how to deal with those suffering it. You can make things a tad easier on yourself by understanding what's happening, even if you can't do much for him. And definitely talk to his doc about possible medical intervention.

Edited July 31, 2019 by PeachyDoodle
ETA: These outbursts were completely out of character for my grandmother, but also out of her control.

[Laura Corin]

My mother does not have dementia, but rather like your father has always been a difficult person and is getting worse with age. I'm sorry, it's hard.

[Katy]

If it's not dementia it could also be a UTI.

You might try asking his nurse to give him his favorite treat more often if it is dementia.  IME someone without short term memory won't know why they are in a good mood or a bad mood.  They make up reasons.  But if you make them happy in tiny ways like a couple M&M's or a warm fuzzy blanket wrapped around them and a big happy smile, the mood will last MUCH longer than the memory of why the mood is there.

[catz]

It is perfectly ok and healthy to have firm boundaries on what you are willing and able to do.  ❤️

[Tanaqui]

There are many medications, such as Benadryl, which can exacerbate or mimic the symptoms of dementia in seniors: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/in-older-adults-some-drugs-may-produce-symptoms-that-imitate-dementia/2019/07/26/f192827c-ad5c-11e9-bc5c-e73b603e7f38_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.007a2f948f4b

I don't want to say that this IS the case, but it's something to look into.

[bolt.]

You can't "stand up" to dementia. His irrationality won't yield to anything, and agitating him is pointless for both of you. He believes everything he says. You won't be able to suddenly make him switch to believing you. The brain doesn't work that way.

Instead, make peace with the idea that he's always been a bit of a jerk, and that a disease has eaten whichever part of his mind kept it even a little bit within the bounds of reason. It's also made him even more self-centred: but this time, that's involuntary.

While you make peace with the idea that he's going to go on thinking what he thinks (and saying whatever he has to say) you will handle things best if you make a decision about how much you are willing to 'give' and how much exposure you are willing to tolerate. This will be one-way kindness. There will be no gratitude, no reciprocation, no credit, and no limit to the things he might 'expect'. It's your responsibility to keep this relationship within reasonable limits -- because he won't. Actually he can't. When people have dementia, their people become caregivers. It's no longer reasonable to expect the patient to treat family the way family ought to be treated.

Of course, sometimes you just need to say what is in your heart -- you can do that, just for the relief of getting it into the open -- because that might help you. It won't help him, but you matter too. Sometimes it's okay just to say things because you need to say them. But, mostly, you just humour the person and carry on providing whatever level of care or companionship you have determined to be reasonable in your case. You don't bother correcting him about tiles and other self-aggrandizing fictions where he was the hero. You don't bother telling him that slights and conflicts that he 'remembers' didn't actually happen. You don't try to poke holes in his fictions. You play along. You fudge things, pretend to believe him, and tell lies to help him get past the things that are bothering him.

And if you don't want to do these things -- you just don't. Pick your own boundaries: just don't expect either your words or your boundaries to change what *he* does or says. Instead, commit yourself to continually change what *you* do or say until the situation is tolerable for you

[history-fan]

Taking care of parents is hard.

[DesertBlossom]

5 hours ago, history-fan said:

Taking care of parents is hard.

And no one is even the least bit prepared for it. 

My dad doesn't have symptoms of dementia except for some weird obsessive and compulsive thoughts. For example, he is determined that my oldest brother is stealing money and changing his computer passwords, and also refusing to help him or stop by and visit. (And my brother is so good to him despite being the one my dad blames for everything.) And the rest of us can't convince my dad otherwise. His fixation on that and other things is so bizarre. I try to just redirect and move on.