Why is she so blind?

[SquirrellyMama]

Promise this is not a political post. It just started off from a FB post.

I don't understand my mom. There was a political FB post yesterday that is about a certain party not respecting women. There are about 6 things on the list. This post isn't about the political side, it could be any party.

My mom comments about how glad she is that she has a husband that respects her and her feelings. My dad thinks she's an idiot. Trust me, I've heard him say it. I don't know how many affairs he's had. We'd just have to count all of the apology rings she's been given as gifts. He is emotionally abusive and sometimes verbally. I've tried to get her to leave him before, but she won't.

I just want to bang my head against a wall! When she calls to complain about my dad or brother (that's another story), can I just hang up? 

Kelly

[Pen]

When she calls, Read her fb post to her.  Before you hang up. ?

 

Doesnt sound like being blind perhaps so much as covering up.  

[catz]

I do think it's fine to protect your own mental health and not get sucked into the drama.  So if she starts, I do think it's fine to say "this line of discussion goes no where because you are unwilling to actually do anything about this but complain to me.  I will no longer discuss this with you.  Bye"  Rinse and repeat.

I'm sorry!  That sounds awful and I would quickly lose patience too.  I think as adults when we step away, the dysfunction becomes so much clearer.

[gardenmom5]

many times abuse victims will create their own reality so they don't have to face the truth,because they don't want to admit they *chose* to marry an abuser, etc.

if she's writing this down and posting it - you can hold it up to her when she complains.  and i would include a "what are you going to do about it? continue to complain or actually do something to change things? "   she may not realize she has the power to change her circumstances.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

many times abuse victims will create their own reality so they don't have to face the truth,because they don't want to admit they *chose* to marry an abuser, etc.

if she's writing this down and posting it - you can hold it up to her when she complains.  and i would include a "what are you going to do about it? continue to complain or actually do something to change things? "   she may not realize she has the power to change her circumstances.

 

 

28 minutes ago, Pen said:

When she calls, Read her fb post to her.  Before you hang up. ?

 

Doesnt sound like being blind perhaps so much as covering up.  

These are good ideas. I now have it written in her own words. I might try this.

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

28 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

 

I'm sorry!  That sounds awful and I would quickly lose patience too.  I think as adults when we step away, the dysfunction becomes so much clearer.

This is so true. I was ranting to my dh today about my entire extended family on my dad's side.

Last year there was a FB post about my grandfather on his birthday. He's been dead 30 years now. Anyway, they (aunts, uncles, cousins, my dad) were all talking about what a great guy he was, blah, blah, blah. I remember my dad telling me about how abusive his dad was to his mom, and about a time he came up behind his dad with a bat intending to kill him because he had just beaten his mom again.

Maybe the cousins weren't told these stories, but surely his own children would have known of the abuse. 

We moved away from family when I was 10, and my parents moved when I was in college. I just sit here in my own world watching my family on FB.

Kelly

[happi duck]

If she left does she have anywhere to go?  She might leave if she had support and a safe place to land.  Just leaving isn't as easy as it sounds.

Like a pp mentioned, sometimes being "blind" is to (not even consciously) protect oneself.

It must be hard to watch.  (hugs)

[SquirrellyMama]

5 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Can I be honest?  There’s nothing to say.  She knows how he is and she’s accepted it.  When she vents, either listen and sympathize or tell her you’re too busy and on you’re way out the door or some other excuse.    What you can do is not allow your dad to be emotionally and/or verbally abusive to you and yours.   I speak from experience and it sucks.  (((Huge hugs)))

I've stopped letting him be emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I can't do much about what he does to others because I don't leave near them. I call him out on FB when I see it.

Kelly

[Ann.without.an.e]

This is my mother in law too.  I don't know that my FIL has had any affairs but he is definitely verbally and emotionally abusive and downright mean.  She thinks he's amazing and defends him.  

[SquirrellyMama]

6 hours ago, happi duck said:

If she left does she have anywhere to go?  She might leave if she had support and a safe place to land.  Just leaving isn't as easy as it sounds.

Like a pp mentioned, sometimes being "blind" is to (not even consciously) protect oneself.

It must be hard to watch.  (hugs)

I have told her she can come stay with us until things can be figured out. She does not want to live in this state though. She moved to a much better climate for her.

Mostly, I just put up with it and listen. There are just times that I cannot contain my frustration.

Kelly

[Farrar]

I don't think there's anything you can do. When it's social media, you have to just ignore it. When she says it to you directly, I think you have to cut her off and tell her either that you're simply not going to engage because you see things differently and you've already had it out over it all and don't want to do so again, or you have to hold the mirror up then and tell her you're happy to discuss it, but she may not like your position.

[SKL]

Wasn't there some research done in the past about how people are wired to see only the good in their loved ones?  I mean obviously we see some of the bad, but we don't see "how" bad it is because we are designed to see the good.

I think it's a survival of the species instinct or something.

Now I'm wondering what it is that makes some people see the bad better than others.

[Rosie_0801]

She's probably safer where she is.

[SquirrellyMama]

Just now, Rosie_0801 said:

She's probably safer where she is.

Yes and no. She is financially cared for so in that she is safer. But... I used to worry that the depression from it all would end up killing her. At this point I don't see her hurting herself. 

So, yes, you are right.

Kelly

[Farrar]

While this sounds like an extreme case, it does often seem to me that there's a disconnect between political/religious/social/education views and personal ones for so many people. ?

[SquirrellyMama]

5 minutes ago, Farrar said:

While this sounds like an extreme case, it does often seem to me that there's a disconnect between political/religious/social/education views and personal ones for so many people. ?

So, you're saying that she's looking at it as "we're both from the same political party so he respects me". I can see that. Happens all the time at church with people I know. Not in their marriage relationship but relationships with other people. 

Kelly

[Farrar]

7 minutes ago, SquirrellyMama said:

So, you're saying that she's looking at it as "we're both from the same political party so he respects me". I can see that. Happens all the time at church with people I know. Not in their marriage relationship but relationships with other people. 

Kelly

More like... lots of people seem to think that the values they espouse in the public arena also apply to their personal lives even when they don't seem to, like people who talk about the environment constantly, but do zilch to lessen their environmental footprint, or people who talk about how important certain religious values are to them but then don't seem to have them in their own lives at all. I think these people genuinely think they are living their values... but they aren't. And we're all like that to some extent... I just am saying in this case, the thing that set you off - her social media comment that her life reflects a certain sort of value - seems sort of sadly common. You're just privy to the really dark side of it in this case.