If you have a contentious relationship with a stepparent (yours, not your child’s)

[school17777]

If you have a contentious relationship with a stepparent, yours, not your child’s, does it affect your relationship with your parent and their relationship with your children?

[ThisIsTheDay]

Absolutely. We avoided them. Fortunately, she was happy to avoid us too. My dad seemed oblivious, which I think was the worst. They were married for 10+ years before my kids were born, and my dad's relationship with me and my sister (who lived with them during college) was already damaged. They later divorced. When my dad remarried, he was so surprised to hear SO many people say negative things about the previous wife. Even his siblings told them how much they disliked the previous wife. It was like he'd never listened to US, he finally got it when other people told him.

But as I said, the damage was already done, our lives were establised, and he's only been a peripheral part. It still makes me sad, but it is what it is, and I'm glad for the relationship we do have. Plus, his "new" wife is very kind and nice, so that's helped mend things for me and for my sister too.

ETA: I think the biggest factor was that he was clear that he was choosing her over us. If that wasn't the case, things would have been different. And yeah, we're still here. She's not.

[school17777]

This is very similar to my situation, but they are married.

[Rachel]

Yes unfortunately.  

[Wheres Toto]

Yes, definitely.  Even though the stepparent in question died before I married dh so before the younger kids were born, it has pretty much affected the relationship I've had with my father my entire adult life (he was married to her for around 30 years).    He's now remarried and we like her, but we only see them a few times a year, pretty much on special occasions.  They were over for dinner today for Father's Day.  We see them Christmas, Dad's birthday (April), Father's Day, our summer BBQ for the kids birthdays.  We may try and fit in something between August and Christmas but it usually doesn't happen.   The relationship was so strained for so long, pretty much from the time I was 7 or 8 years old until I was in my late 30's, there's nothing to go "back" to and I don't feel any strong need to build a relationship at this point.

[2squared]

Definitely, and not just contentious relationships. Nonexistent relationships have a negative impact too.

My dad married his third wife when I was an adult. She was OK until we had kids. She didn't like kids, and it was just terrible being around her with my kids. We had a huge blow-up one day and I told my dad we weren't visiting him anymore. He ended up divorcing her later on, but I think damage had been done on both sides of the relationship.

I've met his current wife, #5, a couple times.  She doesn't have a relationship with me or my brother, so my dad doesn't have much of a relationship with us anymore either.  It's disappointing. My dad retired last year, so maybe things will change. I'm not holding out high expectations.

[katilac]

48 minutes ago, 2squared said:

 I've met his current wife, #5, a couple times.   

 

 

#5? Your dad is quite the optimist. 

[Tanaqui]

Hey, fifth time's the charm!

[AimeeM]

It means that I have no relationship with my father. And that I have no relationship with my dad means that he has no relationship with my children. I'm of the camp that believes if you aren't fit to be in my life, you certainly aren't fit to be in my children's lives. It stinks because I was very, very close to my father -- as a child and well into my adult years.

[Amber in SJ]

I don't know if I'd qualify the relationship as contentious, not do I consider her my step-parent.  I am 47 and she is 53.  My dad married her just a year after my mom died, unexpectedly, two years ago.  She is perfectly nice & she makes my dad happy, so that is fine.  However......she shows a definite preference for my youngest siblings and their kids, some of whom are young enough to not remember my mom.  I think the fact that some of us have married children, meaning she could be a great-grandma soon is upsetting to her so she pretty much ignores us.  That isn't my concern.  My problem is my dad goes along with her and we don't hear from him very much either.  Unless you count the group texts to me & my siblings with pictures of the demo that is happening to my childhood home so they can sell it as quickly as possible.  My adult kids don't hear from him at all.  Now lest you think that this is a two way problem, it isn't.  My adult kids miss their grandpa and talk about sending him texts or facebook messages & he doesn't respond.  He is tech savvy enough to manage both of those things, and he does for the younger grandkids and her grandkids (the eldest of whom is 11)  but not the older teens or young adults.  This Spring my dd(23) and her dh graduated from college.  An invitation was sent to them, I texted him the details of where we were staying & how much it meant to her.  I even called.  Nothing.  Nada.  Not even a card.  Meanwhile, she is posting pictures of them traveling across country to see the high school graduation of her niece because "Family is everything."  I am sad that he is willing to lose contact with us to make her happy.

Amber in SJ

[Spryte]

9 hours ago, school17777 said:

If you have a contentious relationship with a stepparent, yours, not your child’s, does it affect your relationship with your parent and their relationship with your children?

 

Yes.