MommyLiberty5013 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 This is so sad. Last night, I was out in our alfalfa field helping a neighbor kid find his drone. Kay's grandma, Barbara was out there with us. When we were done, she comes over and says, "I need your help." On Monday, Adam (her son and Kay's dad) came by to tell her his wife, Amanda, (Kay's mom) doesn't love him anymore. She's having an affair, Won't go to counseling, and wants a divorce. But here's the worst part...she does not want Kay, at all. She's walking away and giving Adam full custody and has zero interest in Kay or being part of her life. Barbara cried. We chatted and I said we'd continue to welcome Kay and to please let me know what else we can do. Barbara is glad there won't be a nasty custody battle. But some day Kay will have to face the fact that her mom abandoned her. Then we prayed together. And hugged. We are not, of course, telling our kids right now. I told DH. But we might need to share a tiny bit in case Kay mentions it to them. Any advice on good words to tell kids about divorce? Other people in their lives have been divorced in the past, but this is the first time a peer (kid) has faced it that they see a lot. Anyway, Kay and Adam will likely move in with Barbara and her husband, Matt. Barbara is a wonderful grandma. So I think Kay will have great influence from her. I'm so sad for that family. Aside from being friendly and welcoming, what should we expect to see happen with Kay? And what else can we do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonsong Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I would tell your kids Kays parents are going to live apart right now. Not being sure what Kay knows I would be afraid your kids might tell her something that her dad didn't. He may not be ready to tell her her mom abandoned her. Instruct them not to question Kay and if she wants to talk thats ok. I would expect Kay to be more needy and maybe even act out. I would do little acts of kindness for her. For now ignore any bad behavior reinforce the good and show her she s loved by your family. And still don't be afraid to send her home if you need some alone time. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I remember your earlier post. This is so sad. I'm happy to hear that it sounds like you have managed to keep Kay around despite difficult behavior. Seeing a good mother will be important for her as she gets older and someday considers motherhood for herself. I'd not tell your kids until you've talked to the grandma to find out what has been told to Kay. Then I'd just tell the kids that Kay's parents are divorcing and Kay is going to live with her dad and grandparents next door. If they ask about the mom, just say that after a divorce, sometimes kids live with their mom, sometimes with their dad, and sometimes they take turns and that for right now, Kay ls living with her dad. Remind them not to ask Kay personal questions and to just be good listeners if she talks. Remind them that if things she says make them uncomfortable, that they can "share the burden" by telling you what is going on. Remind them you and DH are not getting divorced. What a sad story. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Personally, I think this explains a lot about Kay. 29 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 It is unlikely that Kay's mom will really go away. She will turn back up every time Kay really is doing well and cause trouble with unerring accuracy. That is what these sort of parents do. It's why I know there is a devil. But I am sorry about Kay. You still need to kindly keep your boundaries, because during times of stress kids test them more and they need you to be firm. They need that a lot, as much as they need kindness. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 It is unlikely that Kay's mom will really go away. She will turn back up every time Kay really is doing well and cause trouble with unerring accuracy. That is what these sort of parents do. It's why I know there is a devil. But I am sorry about Kay. You still need to kindly keep your boundaries, because during times of stress kids test them more and they need you to be firm. They need that a lot, as much as they need kindness. I absolutely agree with this. I would discourage you from treating Kay any differently simply because of her family situation. Hold her to your standards of behavior, or ship her home with a smile. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 One thing to keep in mind . . . a woman I know of in our local hs community . . . Sorta' went nuts a few years ago. Got very into odd spiritual/religious stuff, changed her name, etc . . . left her husband . . . found a new mate online and moved him in with her and the kids . . . and during that period (months) indicated that she'd willingly give the 2 kids her soon-to-be-ex. Ex went so far as to establish residence near his parents (for support) and buy a home there for the kids and him . . . But, before it was all over, she changed her tune and kept the kids. I don't know her personally (I did several years before all this happened), so I have no idea how all those changes happened. So far as I can guess, she was just (and is still) off her rocker. Money might have changed her tune, too, when she figured out she couldn't live the way she wanted to w/o child support . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Poor kid! I'd be prepared for her behavior to get a little uneven as this sinks in, if it really goes through like this - it's always possible that her grandparents don't really have the full story, or misunderstood. And this "sinking in" period might take longer than you'd think. Gentle but consistent, that's what I'd aim for. No criticism, no yelling, just "I'm sorry, Kay, but if you can't follow our rules you have to go home" like you're already doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Also know a similar story. Left, gave up rights. Divorced. Started dating a guy. Came back 4 months later. Her husband forgave her and they remarried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) Poor kid! I'd be prepared for her behavior to get a little uneven as this sinks in, if it really goes through like this - it's always possible that her grandparents don't really have the full story, or misunderstood. And this "sinking in" period might take longer than you'd think. Gentle but consistent, that's what I'd aim for. No criticism, no yelling, just "I'm sorry, Kay, but if you can't follow our rules you have to go home" like you're already doing. :iagree: I wouldn't make any judgments on the mother or the situation. You're hearing one very small corner of the story. Maybe there is back story. Maybe there is mental illness involved. etc - who knows. I do think continuing to have clear boundaries is important for your sanity and for her too. I would just tell your kids what they might need to know as things come up. "Kay and her daddy will be living with Grandma Barbara for a while" and answer questions in an age appropriate way "I'm not sure where her mommy is right now". I also think it might be helpful for kids to hear why another child might be acting out "I think Kay might be missing her mommy right now and it's harder for her to follow rules" and it's not about them if she's mean or does it allow them to follow her lead if she is acting out. Edited July 23, 2017 by WoolySocks 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommyLiberty5013 Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 Thanks to all - very helpful. We will not be telling the kids about abandonment - that is too traumatizing for our kids and for Kay to hear repeated, if it ever got repeated. It is NOT a healthy thing. I think if she ever wants to talk to me, I will focus less on what her mom did and more on how much her dad, and grandparents love her. Also, we will only likely tell our kids just a little bit that Kay and her daddy will be living at Barbara and Matt's house now and won't that be fun to play more often. I was thinking more about the situation today. I am aware that there are two sides to every story - Kay's mom's side and Kay's dad's side, plus the side that Barbara, Kay's grandma told me. I have a feeling, though, that Barbara was pretty real with me. She wanted to let me know that she does not plan on bad mouthing Kay's mom to Kay, and will keep this as positive as possible. We will be staying neutral and just be a sounding board for Kay if she ever needs it - showing love and care - that sort of thing - yes, with firm rules as we have been doing. And, as an aside, I also had an opportunity to let Barbara know to have Kay be sure to come to the garage/mud room door to knock with the garage is open - so hopefully, this peeking in thing will not be an issue anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 :iagree: I wouldn't make any judgments on the mother or the situation. You're hearing one very small corner of the story. Maybe there is back story. Maybe there is mental illness involved. etc - who knows. I do think continuing to have clear boundaries is important for your sanity and for her too. I would just tell your kids what they might need to know as things come up. "Kay and her daddy will be living with Grandma Barbara for a while" and answer questions in an age appropriate way "I'm not sure where her mommy is right now". I also think it might be helpful for kids to hear why another child might be acting out "I think Kay might be missing her mommy right now and it's harder for her to follow rules" and it's not about them if she's mean or does it allow them to follow her lead if she is acting out. My thoughts exactly. Usually, the truth is somewhere in between to the two versions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I was thinking more about the situation today. I am aware that there are two sides to every story - Kay's mom's side and Kay's dad's side, plus the side that Barbara, Kay's grandma told me. I have a feeling, though, that Barbara was pretty real with me. She wanted to let me know that she does not plan on bad mouthing Kay's mom to Kay, and will keep this as positive as possible. Just remember that Barbara may not know the mom's side. She may only know what her son has shared with her. His side. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebrindam Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 It is unlikely that Kay's mom will really go away. She will turn back up every time Kay really is doing well and cause trouble with unerring accuracy. That is what these sort of parents do. It's why I know there is a devil. But I am sorry about Kay. You still need to kindly keep your boundaries, because during times of stress kids test them more and they need you to be firm. They need that a lot, as much as they need kindness. This was my first thought too. Also, grateful that you are still allowing Kay around, and that she has you as an example of good mothering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommyLiberty5013 Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) I do agree that the truth is somewhere between the dad's and mom's sides of the story. But honestly, if this were a divorce where custody were being discussed between two parents who loved their child, I would agree 100% that both marital parties likely contributed to the relational mess and are both to blame. I would not necessarily trust one side of the story above another and both would need benefit of the doubt. But, when one biological parent suddenly ups and leaves her own young child for basically a new life saying "I do not want Kay"...there is something off there with that one person and more responsibility for the "mess" likely lies with this one individual. Most people say, "We cannot work this marriage out and we want out, but we love our kid and will discuss the child's well-being," and they still try and co-parent. That simply is not happening here. So, I will give Adam the benefit of the doubt that he likely just got hosed. Because seriously...what the heck?!? This woman just ruined her daughter! Edited July 23, 2017 by MommyLiberty5013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 (edited) I do agree that the truth is somewhere between the dad's and mom's sides of the story. But honestly, if this were a divorce where custody were being discussed between two parents who loved their child, I would agree 100% that both marital parties likely contributed to the relational mess and are both to blame. I would not necessarily trust one side of the story above another and both would need benefit of the doubt. But, when one biological parent suddenly ups and leaves her own young child for basically a new life saying "I do not want Kay"...there is something off there with that one person and more responsibility for the "mess" likely lies with this one individual. Most people say, "We cannot work this marriage out and we want out, but we love our kid and will discuss the child's well-being," and they still try and co-parent. That simply is not happening here. So, I will give Adam the benefit of the doubt that he likely just got hosed. Because seriously...what the heck?!? This woman just ruined her daughter! She did NOT ruin her daughter. Children are very resilient and forgiving. I'm not defending what the mom did but I am speaking up for Kay. This will possibly be a defining element of her childhood, but she is not ruined. Edited to remove personal info. Edited July 25, 2017 by unsinkable 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 You're hearing one very small corner of the story. Maybe there is back story. Maybe there is mental illness involved. etc - who knows. And even though Kay's grandmother doesn't intend to share this with Kay, it is of course not uncommon for parents to believe what their own children say, and to put a nice light on it, rather than getting the full story from their children's spouses. (The reverse does sometimes happen as well, of course, and some people manage to stay on good terms with both parties in this sort of dispute.) I hope, for this girl's sake, that there is some sort of misunderstanding here, or else that her mother has a very good reason for this behavior - some mental illness or something that she's trying to get treated, and can't when she has to take care of a young child as well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I do agree that the truth is somewhere between the dad's and mom's sides of the story. But honestly, if this were a divorce where custody were being discussed between two parents who loved their child, I would agree 100% that both marital parties likely contributed to the relational mess and are both to blame. I would not necessarily trust one side of the story above another and both would need benefit of the doubt. But, when one biological parent suddenly ups and leaves her own young child for basically a new life saying "I do not want Kay"...there is something off there with that one person and more responsibility for the "mess" likely lies with this one individual. Most people say, "We cannot work this marriage out and we want out, but we love our kid and will discuss the child's well-being," and they still try and co-parent. That simply is not happening here. So, I will give Adam the benefit of the doubt that he likely just got hosed. Because seriously...what the heck?!? This woman just ruined her daughter! Again, that is what you've been told happened. It might have. Or maybe both parties decided to take a break, and that the best thing right now would be for dad & Kay to go to grandma's while they have a cooling off period. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceseeker Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 (edited) Even if Kay's mom did leave, Kay is not ruined. Everyone has scars they bear in this world. Parents die. Parents divorce. Parents abuse and hurt their children (perhaps even worse than leaving?) It is painful. We can think we are creating the perfect world for our children if none of that has happened to them, but someday they will suffer some kind of pain in this world too. We all get a turn to realize the world is broken. Unfortunately we cannot shield our children or ourselves from this reality forever. Some of us just get to find out sooner than others. But people are resilient and people can heal and even forgive all kinds of painful experiences. This is just one part of Kay's story, but it is not all of it. She gets a loving dad, a loving grandma, and a kind and concerned neighbor at the very least, which is more than some children experience. There is still room for hope and happiness in Kay's life too. Edited July 24, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I'm so, so happy that you were able to see past your irritation with her childish mannerisms -- and make her feel homey in your neighbourhood. It turns out that your neighbourhood is probably her new home. I think the things you have done (instead of the things you might have done) have created a safe space for her to say, "I get to stay here in this nice summery play-filled place I thought I was only visiting." Instead of, "I have to move to a terrible new place without my mom, and I hate everything." You, by extra kindness, accidentally already made a huge difference in a situation, even though you didn't have any way to know it was in need of excessive kindness. That's important. That's why love is always the right choice. Good job! I feel like the Spirit's hand was weighty in preparing this net-under-the-trapeze for Kay. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 But, do bear in mind that everything you "know" about Kay's mother is: (a) your interpretation (b) of what grandma chose to share © based on her interpretation (d) of what her son chose to share (e) based on his interpretation (f) of what his divorcing wife kinda-sorta-expressed during the most difficult moment in her life That's a lot of steps in a game of telephone. Almost anything could sctually be true. It could be something like a despondent mutter that, "Maybe she would be better with you." -- blown all out of proportion. It could be a horrible dad telling serious lies. It could be exactly what was described. Hold your conclusions lightly -- ok? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scoutingmom Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Just remember that Barbara may not know the mom's side. She may only know what her son has shared with her. His side.Yes this. It might be how the grandmother said (but she has likely only heard her son's side). My Mom left. To her, it was to get a place and get a stable situation. To the rumour mill - and this was supported, I'm sure, by my Dad - she had grown tired of being a Mom and had abandoned us. I was the youngest, a girl of 7, and the comments (supposedly out of my hearing, but not always) on "how could she leave that sweet little girl". And my Dad worked that message on me subtly too. I felt that my Mom fought for custody of me (which took 2 years) so she wouldn't look bad. It took years before I knew her side. That said, it does happen. I have the situation of the Mom having left the kids in my extended family. Anyway, take what you hear with a huge grain of salt. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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