footballmom Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I posted several days ago about how a long time friendship has run its course for me. It has been a process over the last several months and many things have happened to get me to this point. I'm sad and having a hard time with it but there has been a big disconnect between words and actions and I just was hoping to let it fade away since I felt like I was the one who had been trying to keep things going so it shouldn't be too hard when the other person isn't reaching back... A few days ago this friend had a dear family member pass away. It wasn't unexpected but they are understandably very sad. I left a favorite treat of the friend at their house and she came over to talk to me. We spent some time together chatting, but then again the next day something happened to remind me that I need to just let this relationship go...and yet, I feel so conflicted about the mechanics of this with what she has going on. My NPD mother had a blow up when FIL passed to make it about her and I don't want that *at all*. This has nothing to do with her family member's passing - it's all about long standing issues that have been hurting me, but I think that's why I'm struggling due to how my mother acted. I want to NOT be that way and not sending a text to say that I'm thinking about them, etc just seems so...cold. But, keeping up interactions is hard for me since there is a lot of hurt. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 You made a kind gesture and offered words of comfort, right? Then you've been kind and nothing more is required if you don't want to get caught up in any drama. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I didn't see the other post, but seeing as you had already evaluated this and decided on a healthy course of action, I'd just let it go as planned. I think it was nice that you reached out in kindness during the recent crisis, but I don't think the crisis needs to change your course of action. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Just slow your roll a little bit to ensure that this doesn't hurt everyone more than it should. Double or triple your gradual fade time. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Decide based on who you are and also how you would treat an acquaintance in similar circumstances. Who you are: "I am a person who is supportive and kind and who sets boundaries but is not rigid about them." Or, "I am a person who is very sympathetic to the bereaved no matter who they are." Or, "I am a person who views relationships as a whole, and doesn't let circumstances effect them very much." How you would treat an acquaintance: What would you normally do if there was a call for help in your church or community for someone who was bereaved? Bring over a meal? Send a card? Do nothing unless asked specifically? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballmom Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Decide based on who you are and also how you would treat an acquaintance in similar circumstances. Who you are: "I am a person who is supportive and kind and who sets boundaries but is not rigid about them." Or, "I am a person who is very sympathetic to the bereaved no matter who they are." Or, "I am a person who views relationships as a whole, and doesn't let circumstances effect them very much." How you would treat an acquaintance: What would you normally do if there was a call for help in your church or community for someone who was bereaved? Bring over a meal? Send a card? Do nothing unless asked specifically? Based on "who I am" is what makes it hard for me. There's a track record of me making more of the effort, etc and so if I was "being me" I would send the text, call to check on her, etc. If it was an acquaintance I would do something for someone grieving or answer a call for help. I'm trying to decide the balance between protecting myself from being more hurt and feeling like a "bad friend". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Based on "who I am" is what makes it hard for me. There's a track record of me making more of the effort, etc and so if I was "being me" I would send the text, call to check on her, etc. If it was an acquaintance I would do something for someone grieving or answer a call for help. I'm trying to decide the balance between protecting myself from being more hurt and feeling like a "bad friend". I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, because ultimately you are the only one who knows what will make you most comfortable. This isn't about your friend; it's about you and your own feelings. Will you feel guilty for not making extra efforts to comfort her and help her through her current situation, or will you feel relieved if you walk away from her and avoid the drama? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'd send a card. It's more thoughtful than a text, but you don't get roped into anything. You set the boundaries that work for you. It doesn't mean you have to be heartless, just in control of your level of commitment. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I'd send a card. It's more thoughtful than a text, but you don't get roped into anything. You set the boundaries that work for you. It doesn't mean you have to be heartless, just in control of your level of commitment. I like the card idea. It's a kind gesture, but doesn't open up the door to lots of immediate back and forth like texting does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I couldn't find your other thread. If you would like to withdraw from the friendship, you shouldn't send mixed messages now. I guess it would depend on the whys behind your need to dissolve the friendship. If she is unkind to you, you shouldn't lift protective boundaries simply because of her loss. She's an adult and can find other means of support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Either a card or a nice bouquet of flowers or a plant - depending on your budget, any of the above is appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I think you've gotten some good ideas. I would treat her like a long time acquaintance. To me, sending a card and even attending the funeral or a short stop at a wake would not be out of line. Being the first responder to her grief would be out of line and possibly draw you in further than you are comfortable being. Edited June 5, 2017 by WoolySocks 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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