depression, grief & sleep needs...

[Nicole M]

My father in law died two weeks ago. My husband is sleeping a lot -- more than he usually does, which is a lot. When do you get concerned that it's not just normal grief, but that serious depression might be an issue?

 

At this point, I'm simply watching and waiting and trying to be there. And making sure he gets good meals and all that. But it's getting in the way of our daily school functioning. I am not feeling resentful at all (yet), but his checking out puts the burden of maintaining the house on me, and that's tough. I'm trying to think outside the box in this regard. Today, for instance, I'm packing up the kids and our school and heading for the library.

 

I can't imagine what he's going through. I have not lost a parent, and, in any case, I am not close to them at all. So I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do to support him, beyond your basic, keep things moving in the household as normally as possible. Any wisdom?

[Country Mouse]

My father in law died about 6 years ago. It was a very difficult time and is sort of a blur to me.

 

I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do to support him, beyond your basic, keep things moving in the household as normally as possible.

 

I think this is huge. Keeping things going is the best thing you can do.

 

He probably needs more time to grieve. I think when a man loses his father it changes him forever. There is a book out there - Father Loss, I think it is called. It might help provide you with some insight into what he is experiencing.

It also might be helpful for your husband to spend some time around someone who has experienced a similar loss. Seeing someone who has come through it could provide comfort for him.

 

:grouphug:

[Nicole M]

Thank you, Meg. I'll check out that book.

 

Nicole

[3lilreds in NC]

Nicole,

 

I don't know how long is appropriate, but 2 weeks isn't very long at all. I would give him at least a month to do what he's going to do. Then, I might gently mention that he's sleeping a lot and how it's affecting your day. Hopefully he will respond and be able to start pulling himself out of his heavy grief. I believe he needs time to grieve, and it is a self-focused time for him, but there will also be a point when the best thing for him will be to make an attempt to go on with life as usual.

 

When my dad's dad died, he was ANGRY. Very angry. For a long time. It was awful. My mom finally started making him eat by himself, because he was so horrible to us she wouldn't let him be around us. I don't remember how long it took him to get himself back together.

 

:grouphug: I can't imagine losing my dad, and I can't imagine how my dh will feel when that time comes for him either. I'm sorry for your loss, and for the hard time you're having in the aftermath.

[Karen sn]

Two weeks is nothing.

It's been several months since I lost my horse and I still grieve.

It took years with my dad.

 

He needs more time.

Sleep is the body's way of giving the griever some reprieve from reality.

Let him sleep. Make him breakfast in bed. Coddle him a little.

If he gets it out now he will be better in the long run.

[Nicole M]

Nicole,

 

I don't know how long is appropriate, but 2 weeks isn't very long at all. I would give him at least a month to do what he's going to do. Then, I might gently mention that he's sleeping a lot and how it's affecting your day. Hopefully he will respond and be able to start pulling himself out of his heavy grief. I believe he needs time to grieve, and it is a self-focused time for him, but there will also be a point when the best thing for him will be to make an attempt to go on with life as usual.

 

When my dad's dad died, he was ANGRY. Very angry. For a long time. It was awful. My mom finally started making him eat by himself, because he was so horrible to us she wouldn't let him be around us. I don't remember how long it took him to get himself back together.

 

:grouphug: I can't imagine losing my dad, and I can't imagine how my dh will feel when that time comes for him either. I'm sorry for your loss, and for the hard time you're having in the aftermath.

 

I was thinking at least a month, so thank you for confirming that. My mom spent a great deal of my childhood in bed, depressed, so it's hard for me to get a handle on what's appropriate, and what's over the top. And I feel a little panicked about the idea of this sleeping thing dragging on and on. So I needed, for my own sake, and "end time" -- a date in my mind when I could gently ask him about it.

 

My dad was angry when his father died, too. That's hard in a whole different way. It's all hard, I guess.

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[Jennifer3141]

It's only been two weeks. It's a death. Your FIL is never coming back. That is heartbreaking. I would say as long as your DH is still taking care of himself and this isn't interfering with his work/income, that a good time to mourn is probably much healthier than what many people do after a devastating loss - which is stuff it down and hope it goes away.

 

Is he responding to you? The kids? How are they dealing with the loss of their grandfather? Maybe if your DH sees the entire family grieving, it will help his heart.

 

When one of my friend's DD died, she said she was utterly shocked at the people who thought she should start moving on after two weeks. She had an 11 year old DD and people weren't very comfortable around her because she was so grieved. Some of our friends wanted to go over to her house and pack her DD's clothes away exactly two weeks after her death. The mom was still going into her room and sniffing her dirty pajamas at that point.

 

My friend finally started to come back to us a little bit when a couple of us went over to her house, went into her DD's room with her, sniffed her DD's clothes and lingered over them. Her DD really was still in those pajamas. And all the mom really needed was a couple of other friends to acknowledge her DD would always be with all of us and would never ben forgotten. We had to go down to the most heartbreaking depths with her and kind of walk back up with her. It was HARD.

 

After swimming lessons two weeks ago, I got a sudden whiff of, "eau de 11 year old girl." And I couldn't breathe for a bit - 4 years later. It smelled like grass, and Teen Spirit, sunshine, cookies, and horse" all rolled up into one. And wow, was the grief right there.

 

I think it's a myth in our society that we're supposed to mourn stuff and move on. Mourn your favorite TV show when it doesn't get renewed but that was a person that's gone. Mourn the heck out of that. Then afterwards, you can celebrate having them at all.

 

Jen

[Doran]

I have not lost a parent nor my in-laws. But, having witnessed the grief in friends who have lost parents, I would suggest that what he's experiencing is very normal. Two weeks is NOTHING -- it may take a full year before he starts to feel any light in his darkness. The pain may never go away completely, but he, and you, should have hope that there will come a time when the suffereing will end. That is not to say that he won't be able to contribute as father and husband in all that time, but just to give you perspective on the grieving process and how long it can take.

 

I think, because you don't feel especially close to your parents, you can't quite get your head around how this might feel to your dh. You mentioned at some point, to me, that this was an unexpected death, which I believe, makes it all the more difficult. He is probably truly exhausted - not just emotionally, but physically. You are giving him the greatest gift, which is space and time to withdraw from the world while he grapples with this death. You may also already be providing him opportunities to talk, but if not, I'd suggest that. If not to you, then to a trusted friend who has also lost a parent, an online group perhaps, a pastor or other counselor. It will help him to be able to express what he's feeling, and to share the memories that are surely flooding in right now.

 

Meanwhile, try to go easy on yourself, too. Things may fall apart for a bit. The house may not be as clean as you'd like. The school work may suffer. That's okay. You don't have to be Supermom. You simply have to keep the communication flowing, and let him know that you love him. The rest -- the practical, household stuff -- will find its own path to rightness in due time.

 

If you are still concerned about the possibility of depression another two weeks from now, then don't hesitate to suggest that to your husband and possibly offer him some resources to seek help.

 

((((Nicole)))) -- I'm sorry. I know this has to be hard for both of you.

[Liz Mc in SC]

I know when my FIL died it affected my dh's dreams, he'd dream that he was still alive, wake up and be crushed all over again. There are stages to grief, and you can't rush thru them. There may come a time that his anger is directed at you. Just be aware that it's part of the acceptance process, not that you need to accept his anger, but to realize where it's coming from.

 

Also, many don't realize that depression is made worse by dehydration, be sure that he's drinking fluids, even if he's not hungry.

 

So sorry you are having to go thru this. :grouphug:

[Needleroozer]

You have already received great advice here- it really does take time. When my nephew was killed in November, I was in bed for two months, and when I wasn't in bed, I was having panic attacks like crazy. It was all I could do to get into a car, or even worse- put my kids in a car with another adult. Everything was hard. Everything. My Dude took over everything he could- while working more than full time. After two months, it started getting better- less of a physical ache, but I still sometimes felt like I was in a fog most of the winter.

 

You are right to give him as much time as he needs- I know it is hard on you, but it seems that is our lot when someone we love with all our heart loses someone they love. Let go of what isn't important right now, and get support where you can, so that you can be strong for him.

 

Many hugs coming your way.

LB

[dirty ethel rackham]

It sounds to me llike normal grief, but you may want to watch out for depression. Is he isolating himself? When dh's cousin died this past spring, I saw dh slipping into depression (I've battled it for over 20 years, so I know this darkness all too intimately.) A few times, I asked him to go for a walk with me. I told him that I did not expect him to be over the grief, but that he needed to do positive things for himself in addition to grieving. Since he could not get up the gumption to do this for himself, I tried to provide the oompf for him. It was amazing what those 15 minutes in the fresh air did for him. He still trips over those potholes of grief, be he has gotten on with the day-to-day living that needs to be done.

 

What I am trying to say is to continue being there for him, but try to help him do positive things for himself that he may not be able to do on his own.

[Obi-Mom Kenobi]

This is a very normal, essential, part of the grieving process. You're right about it possibly being a sign of depression, but even that is part of the grief process. If the excess sleep (12+ hours a day) continues beyond 4-6 weeks, a talk with his physician (and possible counseling) is probably in order. But until that point, remember that sleep allows us to recharge our bodies physically (stress takes a huge toll on our physical reserves) and emotionally, temporarily escape psychological pain, and work through the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" emotional roller-coaster of the finality of a loved one's death. The deeply religious sometimes also have the pain of their loved one's spiritual "final resting place" to mourn - if they don't think it's going to be a happy ending.

 

The five stages of grief that someone above spoke about are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not necessarily followed in a linear path, some people skip some and many people moved between them (up & down the list) for an extended period of time. Wikipedia has a pretty good description of them here without a lot of the psycho-babble jargon we counselors love so much.

 

My best wishes go out to you, your husband and your family. Take care of yourself and each other.

[Scarlett]

My father in law died two weeks ago. My husband is sleeping a lot -- more than he usually does, which is a lot. When do you get concerned that it's not just normal grief, but that serious depression might be an issue?

 

Any wisdom?

 

 

I can tell you that if my Mom had just died 2 weeks ago I'd still be on the floor in total paralysis. So I'm no help. I do know enough about human nature to know that eventually he will have to force himself to get up and join the living again. Maybe start with encouraging something very small...like asking him to join you on a walk....ask him to teach a math lesson....anything to get him back and involved.

[Renee in NC]

It took my dh MONTHS to get back to any semblence of normal after his mother was killed. Six years later (on Nov. 3) he *still* struggles at times with the thought that his mother is gone and didn't get to meet her newest grandson (he was 1 month old) or her two granddaughters (one of whom is named after her.) His brothers are the same way, as is his father.

[AnotherE]

I know when my FIL died it affected my dh's dreams, he'd dream that he was still alive, wake up and be crushed all over again.

 

I was going to mention this. It may seem like he's sleeping a lot, but he is probably not getting true, restful sleep. Which means he needs more sleep to try and compensate. But then the dreams are there and you can't get the quality sleep. It is a never-ending cycle.

 

When I lost my dad, the first two *months* were horrible for sleep. I took Nyquil, Tylenol PM, anything I could get my hands on to try to get dreamless sleep. I had constant nightmares about my father's death (I was there when he passed- it wasn't a pretty sight at all) and I would wake up in tears or screaming. I don't know exactly when I got back to a functioning level (I still have nightmares or those "my dad is really alive and his death was really the dream!" kind of dreams that leave me crying for a bit after waking) but every year it gets a bit better.

 

It's been five years and I was just able to spend last Father's Day with my husband without breaking down. I really don't know how it would be possible to lose a loved one without getting depressed somewhere along the way.

[Scarlett]

When I lost my dad, the first two *months* were horrible for sleep. I took Nyquil, Tylenol PM, anything I could get my hands on to try to get dreamless sleep. I had constant nightmares about my father's death (I was there when he passed- it wasn't a pretty sight at all) and I would wake up in tears or screaming. I don't know exactly when I got back to a functioning level (I still have nightmares or those "my dad is really alive and his death was really the dream!" kind of dreams that leave me crying for a bit after waking) but every year it gets a bit better.

 

Oh the dreams. I had forgotten the dreams. I had a close friend die when I was 20 and I had horrible nightmares for about 2 months....and of course the death of a friend cannot compare to the death of a parent.

What I most remember about when my FIL died (dh was only 23) was how dh could not get enough of ME. I've read since that is a common reaction to death...reaffirms life or somesuch. Of course it could have just been that he was 23. :tongue_smilie:

Edited October 23, 2008 by Scarlett
Clarity

[Danestress]

Hopefully he will start functioning better in terms of getting work done. But I think you can expect to see a lot of depression for sort of a long time. My DH's father died 8 years ago, and it really changed his life. In some ways, he takes more joy in the day to day with his sons, knowing that he won't always be here with them, and they won't always be little boys.

 

But gosh, it was a really hard year the year he died. Like you, I was a bit bewildered. DH did throw himself into work, so we didn't have the same problem with having him in the house all the time. But he was very very crushingly sad a lot of the time. It's hard to go through with a spouse.

[Mommy22alyns]

Two weeks is really a very, very short time. The pain is still fresh.

 

FIL died not long after our wedding. :( DH and MIL grieved for a very long time. It was so hard on them, it's still hard and that was close to 7 years ago. When the pain fades, expect it to renew again around FIL's birthday, Christmas, any other special times. It's hard, I'm sorry. Hugs to you and your family.

[Nicole M]

I was just about to post a thank you reply this morning, when my phone rang and it was LB, bless her heart. We had a long, lovely chat and between that and your kind and thoughtful replies, I feel much better.

 

Doran hit the nail on the head. I was having a hard time wrapping my pea brain around how I could do everything when my husband has always been such a huge contributer to the daily running of the household. I have a stressful, ostensibly-part-time job, and between supporting my husband and my work and the house stuff and school, something was going to have to give. I seem to be able to cover all the bases except for my youngest's schoolwork -- he's been reading non-stop for the last three weeks, and loving it, but I was feeling guilty. And frankly, I don't feel like it's really even hit me yet, this death.

 

After reading all your kind words, and talking with LB, I feel like this is hard, but manageable. That's a big step, and I can't tell you how grateful I am to all of you. Thank you all.