liber Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 What do you say to a four year old whose parents split up and he says mommy and daddy don't love him anymore? Only one party wanted to spilt and she has FASD that is playing a big part in her decision to leave. How do you explain to a child that only one parent wanted to leave? When my son told me that it just gutted me. Trying hard not to cry in front of my younger kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 (edited) I'd bawl my eyes out. I felt like that as a kid when my parents divorced, though I don't think I ever uttered it out loud. It's a common feeling for kids even in amicable divorces, they just can't contextualize things outside of themselves easily. Then I'd hug the kid and remind him that every time he felt that way he had a free, express ticket to couch snuggles with whoever was closest. And I'd remind him every time I could that he is deeply loved even if his family looks a little different now. Rinse and repeat for two more decades and add in therapy as needed. Poor baby :( Edited December 15, 2016 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liber Posted December 15, 2016 Author Share Posted December 15, 2016 I should say that the four year old is my grandson. I'm not sure what advice I should give my son when he tells me this. It is so hard to hear that my grandson feels that way. It breaks my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 At four, you can't really expect to "explain" things. You can simplify things. He is loved. Mommy loves him. Daddy loves him. (Parent) needs a different house from (other parent) because they are divorced/ing so they can't share a house any more. When divorced parents with different houses have kids, they take turns caring for the child, but they both love him the whole time. Mommy loves him (at her house, AND when he is not at her house: give examples), Daddy loves him (at his hous AND when he is not at his house: give examples). Then get silly and 'bean dip' him: he is loved when scuba diving, if he becomes a dragon, if he moved to the moon, etc. I'm sorry you are on such a terribly difficult time. I think maybe you are having trouble "explaining" it to yourself? 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 "I've always loved you, and there's nothing in the whole world that could ever change that. This isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. I love you (so much), you'll always be (my special guy)." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 What is FASD? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 What is FASD? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? Not sure about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I'm sorry it's such a sucky situation. I think reassuring him that he is loved, but it's better for the grownups not to live together is the best way of explaining it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 At four, you can't really expect to "explain" things. You can simplify things. He is loved. Mommy loves him. Daddy loves him. (Parent) needs a different house from (other parent) because they are divorced/ing so they can't share a house any more. When divorced parents with different houses have kids, they take turns caring for the child, but they both love him the whole time. Mommy loves him (at her house, AND when he is not at her house: give examples), Daddy loves him (at his hous AND when he is not at his house: give examples). Then get silly and 'bean dip' him: he is loved when scuba diving, if he becomes a dragon, if he moved to the moon, etc. I'm sorry you are on such a terribly difficult time. I think maybe you are having trouble "explaining" it to yourself? My parents divorced when I was four. I think this answer would have helped me. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 (edited) I'm so sorry. I know from experience that is heartbreaking. My parents were divorced when I was four, and I was divorced when my oldest was 4. I wouldn't tell him that only one parent wanted it. That can too quickly run into the blame/bad mouthing situation of the other parent- even if it's true that it's one sided. That doesn't matter right now to your grandson and it won't make him feel any better. As hard as it is, it's best (imo) to remain neutral and silent on that aspect and use bolt's suggestions- which are wonderful suggestions. When kids ask "why" I don't know if there is a truly appropriate answer that doesn't drag them into things that they don't need to know about mom and dad at their ages. I'm usually for honesty with kids, but at 4 I don't think they care "why" so much as "what is going to happen to me" and to be reassured that their world isn't dissolving or that they'll be abandoned. So give lots of reassurances. Lots of hugs. Lots of love. The explanations can wait until they are much, much older. Somethings do need to be kept between the parents, and usually the "why" part of any divorce is one of them. If your son wants to share with you or his adult friends, that's fine of course, but I do think that parents do their children a massive disservice when they bring them into the reasonings behind divorce. The children are powerless in all of it, so being told why really doesn't do much. This is a case where I think the "sometimes things don't work out" line is the most prudent until the kids are older teens or young adults. Edited December 16, 2016 by texasmom33 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 At four, you can't really expect to "explain" things. You can simplify things. He is loved. Mommy loves him. Daddy loves him. (Parent) needs a different house from (other parent) because they are divorced/ing so they can't share a house any more. When divorced parents with different houses have kids, they take turns caring for the child, but they both love him the whole time. Mommy loves him (at her house, AND when he is not at her house: give examples), Daddy loves him (at his hous AND when he is not at his house: give examples). Then get silly and 'bean dip' him: he is loved when scuba diving, if he becomes a dragon, if he moved to the moon, etc. I'm sorry you are on such a terribly difficult time. I think maybe you are having trouble "explaining" it to yourself? Pretty much this! Just keep reinforcing to him that Mommy and Daddy love him. They're divorcing because of issues between Mommy and Daddy that have absolutely nothing to do with him. Get a few books on divorce that are geared to preschoolers. There are tons out there! Lots of "best of lists." Also get books on Daddy and books on Mommy loving him. Karen Katz has some great ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 you explain that that parent's brain doens't work right. you focus on the parent who didn't want to split. you let the child know they are loved, but the parents are dealing with grown up challenges. sadly - the child is adversely affected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Mummy and Daddy can't be friends any more, but they both still love you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liber Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 Thank you for your replies. They are very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 (edited) Fasd = fetal alcohol spectrum disorders Edited December 16, 2016 by Melissa in Australia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Take time to work out your feelings and issues away from the child. Make sure that when you speak to the child it is about him and his needs, not oversharing details that a small child doesn't need to know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.