Should I send ds to PS or not...

[stephanie]

Ok, I've posted about this ds12 before and I'm here again with the same problems. When do you decide that it's just not working- I mean being homeschooled? He is always trying to cut corners on his work, doing things by half, and just being plain sneaky. He knows that I cannot follow him around all day, checking every single piece of work he does. I check math and grammar everyday and we correct them,but as far as spelling, latin, and all those other subjects, I trust and expect that he will complete the work expected of him. Ive recently found through his latin book that he isn't even completing his work when he tells me that he does. If I give him an extra worksheet to drill his math, then he will throw it away or not do it b/c he knows that I may not be able to check it. He is taking advantage of the fact that I school 3 other dc who do require my constant attention. I just feel like if he were at ps then he would feel like he had to do his work,and that the pressure would force him to try harder. He kinda has the mentality that b/c were homeschooled and don't do report cards that the grade doesn't matter. He also has some LD's and I feel tries to manipulate his schooling sometimes with them. I know that sounds terrible, but he is a smart kid, and he knows what makes me tick. I was just wondering how you know when it's time to place them in ps b/c academically they may do better? Sorry for the vent. I'm about to drive to our school admin. and get an application to enroll him. I'm frustrated and burnt out with him not trying and taking school seriously. Thanks for the vent!

[SandraDumas]

Your goal is to raise your son to be a useful member of society, able to work for himself and probably support a family...etc. Parenting is not an easy task.

 

If you sent your son to public school, then there might be a million more problems there. You can't pack those problems up and ship them off (unless you're rich enough for boarding school of course)

 

I'm just trying to say that it's not the answer to lying, cheating, and sneaky-ness. Those are heart issues that won't be resolved by putting him in public school. In fact the issues will probably just increase. Worse case scenario he may end up skipping school or skipping class, etc. Public schools don't really give a hoot about kids, especially at that age. If the kids want an education public schools usually will give them a pretty good one. Maybe even stellar. If the kids don't care, then neither do (most) public school teachers.

 

Do you have a husband who is involved? Can he take over the responsibility for some of this accountability? Can you begin checking your son's work more often, in every subject? Does your son have treats and incentives to work harder? Can you switch around some of his subjects to more interest directed subjects? There could be a million ideas for tweaking things. I suggest you share your son's courseload, activities, schedule, and incentives, rewards and have the HIVE MIND look over and and give suggestions.

 

For now I think you need to give your son the afternoon off, have some chocolate and watch a favorite movie with him (or without him if that's mroe relaxing) Maybe you are burnt out. It's a lot of work being a homeschool mom and you need a break. Pizza for dinner.

 

((HUGS))

 

I had five brothers and sisters so I've heard/seen it all. There was something with each of us...many times it was just an ongoing character flaw that went on for years. Other times one simple change made all the difference.

 

Chocolate is the immediate answer.

[Karie]

I have a friend who put her kids in PS for some of the same reasons you mentioned. BUT....her kids do the same things in PS as they did when she was homeschooling them, and now she is considering pulling one of her kids out and homeschooling him again. She mentioned that the behavior was the same whether they were home or away. PS doesn't make a child "straighten up". I think that 12 is still young and you should be checking his work every afternoon. He may still need a lot of guidance from you. Some 12 year olds may be able to handle the looser schedule, but a lot of 12 year olds still need daily structure.

 

Now, don't throw any stones at me, and read what I'm going to say with gentleness not harshness. The problem may be more you than him. It seems to me you need to take extra time in the day to sit down with him and go over his work daily. Maybe if you provide constant structure, he will realize that he has to complete his assignments every day.

 

Just some thoughts. I hope your able to work this out.

[rafiki]

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[Kris]

I understand how frustrated you are, but I don't see how his behavior will be any different in PS than it is at home. He'll be sneaky there, too. And probably a whole bunch of other things you (and he) haven't even thought of yet.

 

It looks like you're expecting him to work independently and he's either not ready or doesn't want to. If he's not self-driven, you need to hold him accountable on a daily basis.

 

I wouldn't reward lying and sneaking around with chocolate!

 

Sounds to me like you've got too much on your plate if you don't have time to at least make sure he's getting done what he's supposed to -- and what he says he is doing. Something's definitely got to give, but I don't think PS is the solution you're looking for.

[Kat in GA]

I am not sure if I have an answer for you...just a comment on our own situation. I have two girls - 10 and 6. We homeschool my oldest and my youngest goes to public school. We do not homeschool for religious reasons. I am always getting questions about why we don't do both the same. When we first started this journey, the public school we were zoned for was NOT an option. We have since moved into a great district...but I am still not putting my oldest in ps. Why? It would not meet her needs. Why do I not homeschool my youngest? Because personality wise, we clash. I love her dearly...she is very loving and sweet to me...but if she can argue with me, she will. I KNOW she would not learn from me. It would be a contest of wills. She loves her teacher at school...and wants to perform well...but if it was me...she would be whiny and manipulative. We chose the best fit for each of our daughters. Neither feels left out...neither wants what the other has. It works for us.

 

Now you need to see what will work for you. If YOU weren't the teacher, do you think the behavior would change? OR do YOU need to change your tactic? I am sure that this will not be an easy decision to make...

[chiguirre]

My kids are younger, but I have been through the special ed grinder, so here's my 2 cents. If your ds has identified LDs, you'll have to be VERY sure that ps will hold him accountable to do quality work. It's very easy for a kid to refuse to comply and the school will take that as a sign that the student is not capable of doing grade level work. They'll just keep adjusting the work level down until the student complies or the school just gives up on them. That's why we hs.

 

Perhaps a quick and easy partial solution to your dilemma is to randomly check all subjects. Just do 2 a day but vary them and make the consequences of non-compliance unpleasant enough that your ds does all his work. In the longer term, think if what you're requiring is at his level or is it just too much for him right now. That's where experienced WTMers can give you a real hand. And I can't, so I'll just bow out now.

[Kathy in MD]

Part of that was that he was lost and disorganized. But part was the attitude "why should I waste my play time". He does the same here if I don't keep after him, but here I know what was assigned. :mad: So he has a harder time getting away with it now :p

 

But what is the purpose of most homework? It's to learn and master the material. But if the student isn't getting feedback, it's just busywork. Unfortunately very few 12 yo olds are able to give themselves their own review and feedback. You need to "grade" almost all his work.

 

Personally, I find it most productive if I grade my ds's work with him. He learns from his mistakes and I don't sluff it off. His attitude is also better about the work. In many subjects, I can grade it with him, review the next assignment's instructions and send him on his merry way to do the next day's work.

 

But let's be honest. Did you do all your school assignments? I didn't :rolleyes: If it wasn't graded, I very often didn't do it. Yet I did very well in school and, more importantly, learned a lot. So if your ds is doing well on his assessments, maybe he doesn't need all his assignments. If he does poorly, then he needs them all. And then you need to make sure he's mastering the material by grading the work.

 

And don't worry that you're the only person who fails to grade all the work. I'm guilty of it too and need to periodically remind myself. :o

[8filltheheart]

I experienced exactly what you described with my oldest child when he was in 7th grade. Ultimately I realized that even though he was lying about doing his work, the problem really was mine. I was not teaching him thoroughly (I was teaching him concepts quickly and sending him off to work on his own.) I wasn't keeping up with my responsibilities as his teacher.......I didn't provide the support that I should have. I didn't provide the accountability I should have. I was expecting him to respond like an adult to our environment vs a child. He was still a child. Once I accepted the fact that the problem was more mine than his and resumed my responsibilities as teacher, his behavior equally became more responsible.

 

Homeschooling a long time has made me fully aware that it is too easy to fall into the trap that somehow we can expect them to go off on their own and do what we expect without negative consequences. That is simply not reality. Reality is that children need constant accountability and boundaries. They are children, not adults. I personally have found that the best answer is hold myself accountable for my lack of parenting direction. When I am firmly present in all educational aspects, they reciprocate in their work output.

 

Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear.

[Beth in Central TX]

Dear Steph,

 

My oldest son was in public school for Kindergarten and 1st grade. I never even knew homeschooling existed until I read TWTM. Homeschooling is not the easiest option and can be very frustrating at times. However, with the character issues of your son, I think public school would reinforce his current behavior, not make it better. In addition, you would still deal with his behavior problems at night when he has homework to do.

 

Instead of sending him to public school, I would suspend his school and focus primarily on his character. I do this by having the child with me at all times. There's no separate playtime, and I'm right there to correct bad attitudes and behavior. Once everyone is settled on the new routine, then I woud introduce his work again one subject at a time. With this slow introduction, he'll learn exactly what you expect from and how to do it.

 

At 6-years old, I wouldn't have a child doing any independent work. My 5-year old doesn't tell me he's done his work; I watch him do his work, and then I let him have playtime.

 

I know that you probably feel overwhelmed with a 4-year old and a 1-year old too. I found it easier to homeschool once all of my boys were school age. However, if you let your son's behavior continue, your younger kids will pick it up. It's best to address it now.

[awanama]

I just wanted to share a little. Several of the posters said that these behaviors will just continue or get worse in public school. This was NOT the case for our family. My son actually did the opposite and was obsessed with doing everything that was expected of him. We seen much greater results when he went off to school and his attitude at home improved tremendously!

 

We did bring him home this year after some conflict with the school and we have found that it was a big mistake! He seems to apply himself so much better there than he ever will at home. But, we made the decision to have him home and he will stay home through the rest of the year. He will be going back next year and not returning home again for schooling. It's just not the right place for him. I did have to give up my dream of educating him at home but I see that he does much better there anyway and we are in a fairly good district.

[MelissaM]

but school is probably not the band-aid you are wanting. If he lies about finishing his work at home he will do it about his schoolwork. At least now you know exactly what he is supposed to be doing.

 

The flip side is I don't think you will be "wrong" in putting him in. If he's stressing you to the seams then it may be what you both need. If anything it may wake him up to how good he has it at home.

[stephanie]

I have a friend who put her kids in PS for some of the same reasons you mentioned. BUT....her kids do the same things in PS as they did when she was homeschooling them, and now she is considering pulling one of her kids out and homeschooling him again. She mentioned that the behavior was the same whether they were home or away. PS doesn't make a child "straighten up". I think that 12 is still young and you should be checking his work every afternoon. He may still need a lot of guidance from you. Some 12 year olds may be able to handle the looser schedule, but a lot of 12 year olds still need daily structure.

 

Now, don't throw any stones at me, and read what I'm going to say with gentleness not harshness. The problem may be more you than him. It seems to me you need to take extra time in the day to sit down with him and go over his work daily. Maybe if you provide constant structure, he will realize that he has to complete his assignments every day.

 

Just some thoughts. I hope your able to work this out.

 

Maybe I should have been a little more clear. I do go over all of his work with him before he sits down to do his work. I make sure he understands, and I am there with him in our school room as a go-to person if he needs me. I do check his math and grammar daily as well as go over mistakes. However, maybe I need to just go over all the others as well. He's my oldest so I'm not sure what to expect of him in terms of when they can work more independently. It seems like he CAN do well when he wants, but skims when he's not up to it. I'm just going to have to find some time in my day to check everything I guess. I think I'm feeling partly drained as well b/c he is a very demanding child. His work is very important to me and I don't want him to be confused by that. Thanks for all the inputs, ladies. I just needed to hear it from someone!

[LisaNY]

 

But what is the purpose of most homework? It's to learn and master the material. But if the student isn't getting feedback, it's just busywork. Unfortunately very few 12 yo olds are able to give themselves their own review and feedback. You need to "grade" almost all his work.

 

Personally, I find it most productive if I grade my ds's work with him. He learns from his mistakes and I don't sluff it off. His attitude is also better about the work.

 

 

YES!! I totally agree! This is proving out with my 13yo. dd. I have recently begun grading her work, and it is making all the difference for her. You are so right when you say that ungraded work is just busywork.

 

Thanks for sharing - you have just confirmed my decisions to grade my dd's work. :)

[rafiki]

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[GothicGyrl]

An idea Steph--you don't say how young the others are, but you do say you spend a lot more time on them, than him. Have you thought that maybe he is doing this because you are spending so much time on them and not him?

 

So, if that's the case, why not try and get him involved with the younger ones? Have him do his math/language and then have him take a "break" and help you teach the younger ones. But honestly, for science/history, I'd be combining things at that age.

 

Learning Adventures would be perfect.

 

But I do say this gently, not as an attack--he knows he can get away with it because you let him. you put all of your energy in the wrong spot--the younger ones are young enough to be sitting at the table with you and him, doing "busy work" or "desk work" if you prefer, while you teach HIM and only him. He's too old to have your focus off of him and on them.

 

My answer to you would be: Combine everything but math/language (and the youngers can do color math, you know the ones where you color by number, etc..), have him "teach" something to the youngers while you assist and then work with all of them on science/history. I think your focus is just in the wrong place right now and PS, while good for some, for him, IMHO, would not work.

[Chris in VA]

Just wanted to say, I agree your ds may need more supervision (my 18 yr old still needs me to help him stay accountable). Also, I would really hesitate to use public school for middle school. Is there a way you can make it work until 9th grade?

I can't agree with those that say most public school teachers don't care, but I am biased against the middle schoolers themselves; kids that age, esp in public schools, can be so difficult, and the pack mentality in ms is just the worst. Not every kid, of course not. But in general--yuck. Keep him home and work on character, check his work, watch what you give him to do independently (maybe not so much , as GG and others said), and build up your relationship with him and his with his Dad, too. YOu are entering the parenting by relationship stage, versus the more parenting by control stage.

[stephanie]

An idea Steph--you don't say how young the others are, but you do say you spend a lot more time on them, than him. Have you thought that maybe he is doing this because you are spending so much time on them and not him?

 

So, if that's the case, why not try and get him involved with the younger ones? Have him do his math/language and then have him take a "break" and help you teach the younger ones. But honestly, for science/history, I'd be combining things at that age.

 

Learning Adventures would be perfect.

 

But I do say this gently, not as an attack--he knows he can get away with it because you let him. you put all of your energy in the wrong spot--the younger ones are young enough to be sitting at the table with you and him, doing "busy work" or "desk work" if you prefer, while you teach HIM and only him. He's too old to have your focus off of him and on them.

 

My answer to you would be: Combine everything but math/language (and the youngers can do color math, you know the ones where you color by number, etc..), have him "teach" something to the youngers while you assist and then work with all of them on science/history. I think your focus is just in the wrong place right now and PS, while good for some, for him, IMHO, would not work.

 

We actually do combine history and science. It's funny b/c my ds9 just told me that he wishes he had more time with me b/c I have to spend so much time on ds12. You see, I spend a lot of instruction time, redirecting, encouraging and physically hugging my ds12. He is a bit needy in that way, but can also be manipulative. I'm working on recognizing when I'm being manipulated and when he really needs me. So I feel like my entire days are spent on him. My others are ds9,dd7, and dd6. They require me to actually sit with them while they work, and then they go play. While I work with them ds12 works on his seatwork or reads. He does also do ETC with my K'er when he can. I feel like running down the street screaming! I've just had a bad day. I sat down with him already and told him we were going to set up a daily grading system and that I would go over every subject with him after he did the work. I think he needs that structure of having a grading system so he can see where he is. I really have appreciated all the input I'm getting from y'all. Although, I am kinda feeling like a loser mom! LOL! Thanks again!

[Laura in VA]

I don't believe sending him to school is the solution. It may cause him to complete his work, but what I see as the real issue here is a lack of respect towards you. I agree with Chris in VA and her suggestion to work on character for awhile. His actions, as all of ours (I believe), stem from the heart.

I'll be praying for you!

[stephanie]

I don't believe sending him to school is the solution. It may cause him to complete his work, but what I see as the real issue here is a lack of respect towards you. I agree with Chris in VA and her suggestion to work on character for awhile. His actions, as all of ours (I believe), stem from the heart.

I'll be praying for you!

 

Thanks so much! I talked to him about that as well. To me that is a character issue, something that God can work on. I don't expect him to be adult in his convictions all the time, but he knows right and wrong. We are going to work on it. He is a good boy who is sweet and loving, but sometimes I could just pinch his little head off! LOL! Isn't that sweet!:D

[GothicGyrl]

We actually do combine history and science. It's funny b/c my ds9 just told me that he wishes he had more time with me b/c I have to spend so much time on ds12. You see, I spend a lot of instruction time, redirecting, encouraging and physically hugging my ds12. He is a bit needy in that way, but can also be manipulative. I'm working on recognizing when I'm being manipulated and when he really needs me. So I feel like my entire days are spent on him. My others are ds9,dd7, and dd6. They require me to actually sit with them while they work, and then they go play. While I work with them ds12 works on his seatwork or reads. He does also do ETC with my K'er when he can. I feel like running down the street screaming! I've just had a bad day. I sat down with him already and told him we were going to set up a daily grading system and that I would go over every subject with him after he did the work. I think he needs that structure of having a grading system so he can see where he is. I really have appreciated all the input I'm getting from y'all. Although, I am kinda feeling like a loser mom! LOL! Thanks again!

I don't profess to know how your 12yr old really is, but to me--if you spend a lot of time coddling, that's less time educating, kwim?

 

I'd actually make assisting the younger ones a rule instead of an option--but I wouldn't tell him that. If he can do their math, I'd have him help them out with that. His seatwork is probably boring him to death, instead of seat work (unless it's like handwriting or something), I'd have him to actual work, you know start him on a math lesson, then work with the younger ones, then go back to him--but I'd leave them all in the same place. I wouldn't seperate them at all.

 

Grading isn't a bad thing and some kids do need that. I think by you actually grading all of his work in front of him and making him correct it in front of you, is a good thing.

[StephanieZ]

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. This time I think it means you have to bite the bullet for now, even if you DO want to send him to school.

 

You don't want to feel like you failed here. You don't want your ds to realize he can get away with disobeying/disrespecting you. That'd be the last thing you want him to realize right at this age! Sooo, I think that ESPECIALLY if you think you may decide to send him to a school, you need to take a month or so and focus on this behavior issue and solve it. THEN, if you believe your family would be best served by sending him to school, go right on ahead and do so, from a position of strength, but not out of failure. (If at all possible, of course!! Only you know your limits, but I think if you were really at your limit, you wouldn't have asked a bunch of nutty hs'ing moms if you should stop hs'ing!!_\)

 

So, rethink your schedules and procedures. Create accountability. Have several 5 min periods throughout the day when you touch base with your son and review his work. Make satisfactory work required BEFORE he is allowed his daily allotment of tv/computer/ipod/etc time. If he hasn't brought you the work and you haven't signed off on some check sheet or whatever, he isn't allowed to do X,YZ yet. If he breaks these rules, there is a,b,c consequences (immediate and fierce). If he does well, there is d,e,f benefits, bonuses, extra (or ANY!) tv time, etc.

 

If your other dc are all younger than 12, they can probably survive with a little less schooling time for a while. A month or two anyway, for you to get the time to give this child your best shot.

 

Maybe he needs some extra mom or dad attention or time and that time investment from you may reap many benefits. It's easiest to expect the oldest to do so much on their own (I know, I've got three). . .

 

If you can't make it work after a couple months, regroup and rethink it. But, if it were me, I'd make sure I had that behavior well in hand before shipping him out to school and adding those complications. Respect and mindful behavior is much more vital than the 3Rs, IMHO. . .

[Lori D.]

(((Stephanie)))

 

I only have 2; the younger one is my "squeaky wheel" -- loud, impulsive, learning issues, (at times) lazy, and (at times) "Mr. Attitude. Love him to pieces, but he can be so exhausting -- often feel all my energy for the entire day is poured into him, just keeping him on track and getting work done. Older brother often gets shorted, and this year I just plain cannot keep up and get all their work checked.

 

Just know, lots of empathy here! Hugs and hopes for a better day tomorrow! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[gardenschooler]

I check math and grammar everyday and we correct them,but as far as spelling, latin, and all those other subjects, I trust and expect that he will complete the work expected of him. Ive recently found through his latin book that he isn't even completing his work when he tells me that he does.

 

I just feel like if he were at ps then he would feel like he had to do his work,and that the pressure would force him to try harder. He kinda has the mentality that b/c were homeschooled and don't do report cards that the grade doesn't matter. I'm frustrated and burnt out with him

 

It sounds like you've already made up your mind, or you already 'know' that you're ready to put him in school. You're right, it might motivate him, but then again, I'd be worried about him slacking off there, too. But it's certainly worth a try if you're burned out, or think it might do the trick to get him on track with assignments.

 

In the meantime, you might try having him bring you each piece of work as it's completed. That way you can glance at the page to see if it was actually done, and *he* doesn't have to know if you really graded it yet or not. Keep him on his toes - he's shown he can't be trusted and expected to complete his assignments. If he *knows* it's a long time between grading assignments, he's having to discipline himself to do it, in a way. Since it isn't happening, hold him accountable.

 

One thing that helped my dds not skip over a question or 'forget' to do part of an assignment is because if it got to be a habit, I would call them away from their free time that evening (as I was grading their work), and make them redo it. They thought that was bad enough to just do it right the first time! ;)

 

I'd also give him report cards - starting with weekly - and post it on the refrigerator, make him take it to Dad to sign, send a copy to Grandma, anything to get him to see, that yes, it matters, and not just to Mom! You can always tie privileges to effort put into schoolwork, too.

 

Good luck - keep us posted!

 

One more thing - You might try to assess if he's really having trouble with the Latin. That may be part of it, if it's a subject he's skipping a lot.

[Janine in Ca]

First of all, my heart goes out to you. Homeschooling can be very frustrating...expecially with pre teens.

 

We all can only speak of our own experiences and I don't know how that can really help you. You have a unique and individual child...just like the rest of us. Each child responds differently to teaching methods and learning in general. If what you are doing isn't working, shake it up. Change curricula, enroll him in one class somewhere and see how he responds to outside instruction. Some kids desperately want mom to play the mom roll, the support system, the care giver and disciplinarian....but perhaps not the teacher? I can't vouch for what sort of education options you have in your area but you typically don't have to do it all yourself. We have outsources a few subjects and have learned that our son (at age 12, now 13) really thrived with some outside instruction. He felt a little bit of independence, he learned he could really do it on his own...it gave him pride in his efforts and he was thrilled to have mom and dad see that other people liked what he had to say/write/do. At this age, I think many children need this.

 

I don't know if enrolling him in full time public school will fix the problems. There are many issues to consider and only you know your child well enough to weigh the balance of costs and benefit. I suppose this letter isn't really of much help but....listen to your heart, and your child - he is old enough to try to figure out from where his apathy comes. He is also old enough to reckon with issues of disobedience, sin, sloth, deception and a myriad of other issues. We can't begin to know the heart of those issues...but I bet together you can figure them out.

 

Good luck whatever you choose...and many blessings to you~

Janine

[Aletheia Academy]

We have hardly begun our homeschool journey, but I can see my daughter being a very difficult case. I can see that it could arise that our relationship creates a lot of tension. I can see that I will have days when I think, "Just let her go to ps." But then... I think about years down the line one day when her father and I are gone, and she says to her brother, "Mom always loved you more because she kept you at home to school. She didn't care enough about me to work it out when things got tough." I just can't let that happen.

 

Also, I agree that his tendencies will be the same at ps, and there will be no one there that cares about him as much as you do to work with him. Not only that, but you may find the system to be much more enabling than you might like. In the end, I don't think it would be doing him any favors.

 

Now, when the situation with my daughter comes to crisis, can you remind me of all this?!

 

Keep us posted!

[stephanie]

I just wanted to thank you all again for all your advice on sending ds to ps. You know when you do something for a while, then it's not working anymore, and then someone tells you why it's not working? Well, I'm like ,"DUH!" Ds and I sat down tonight and discussed how we need to change things. He is going to start giving me his work after he finishes each piece and I will look over it. I will grade it with him with me so we can make sure corrections aren't put off. I also made him a chart to track his daily grades for the week so he can have something to show off (I hope) at the end of the week. This will be a start for us. I just wanted to thank you again for all your time on this. Steph

[Chris in VA]

Stephanie,

You were so honest and brave in your post about your son. It is hard to be vulnerable, and you did that beautifully. Thanks for letting me (us) put ideas out there.

[gardenschooler]

It's funny b/c my ds9 just told me that he wishes he had more time with me b/c I have to spend so much time on ds12. You see, I spend a lot of instruction time, redirecting, encouraging and physically hugging my ds12. He is a bit needy in that way, but can also be manipulative. I'm working on recognizing when I'm being manipulated and when he really needs me. So I feel like my entire days are spent on him.

 

I am kinda feeling like a loser mom!

 

You are absolutely not a loser mom, Stephanie. A loser mom simply wouldn't care.

 

I just want to jump in here because this part of your post above sounds eerily familiar. My oldest took all of my time, energy, and attention when she was homeschooled - not in academics, but in other things (the trauma of life! :eek:). It really does affect the others, if one constantly 'hogs' Mom.

 

I don't know if you're into schedules and such, but it helped me greatly to black out certain times that belonged to each child - time with me for things other than school, with no siblings, even if it was just 30 minutes.

 

Sometimes combining subjects does cut down on the 1-to-1 time with each child, dramatically. I think you've got a good handle on what you're combining, subject-wise. We're only one person, after all, and combining makes sense.

 

But with a child in the house with a tendency to be needy, it is even more important to make sure the others get their time.

 

Just so you know, I struggled with this MIGHTILY for many years, and didn't always do such a great job of balancing it. I never quite got the hang of giving my other kids the attention they needed while dealing with problems from another. I can't even begin to tell you how many times a lesson with my middle one was interrupted by the oldest having a fit. Putting this one in ps has opened up a whole new world for my middle one - we never dreamed homeschooling could be so stress-free and efficient. And fun.

 

So you have to weigh all things -everyone's needs, including your own - in your decision. You might be able to get things rolling smoothly for him at home, or you might decide ps would be better later. Just don't feel defeated, because that doesn't really help anyone!

 

And I've slipped on grading papers many a time, too. Many a time! The difference is only that the kids didn't know it. :)

[Laura in VA]

I am so glad that you and your son had a good talk. Please let us know how things are going!

Blessings

[FloridaLisa]

Homeschooling a long time has made me fully aware that it is too easy to fall into the trap that somehow we can expect them to go off on their own and do what we expect without negative consequences. That is simply not reality. Reality is that children need constant accountability and boundaries. . . When I am firmly present in all educational aspects, they reciprocate in their work output.

 

Momof7 hit the nail on the head. I've been in the exact same spot with my oldest ds (middle school years are rough). I lectured, I punished, I despaired. Ultimately, I realized that the idea of an independent, completely self-motivated homeschooled student who completed all their work with excellencewas a big myth!

 

What worked then was meeting with him at the end of every day to review all of his work. No outside activities happened until all was done and done well. Slowly, slowly, I've been able to release much of this constant oversight. Also, importantly, dh stepped in for accountability so that it was not a power struggle between my son and I.

 

These days, I see huge maturity in my oldest. He's now 16, has a pretty rigorous schedule and I can take my eyeballs off him for a couple of days without impending disaster. :) In some of his classes, he is working completely independently (and flourishing). In a couple, I still have to meet with him to make sure he's on pace. I'v very intentionally moved into a cheerleader role for my ds as he progresses through high school.

 

Perservere. Hold fast. I don't think ps would magically solve those problems, but shift them.

Lisa

[JFSinIL]

just because undone work at school will just come home and be YOUR problem (in addition to homework) and you will be dealing with a tired, crabby kid who really does not want to do school work. Might as well keep him home and make him do all his work next to you. not fun.

[Joanne]

9-12 year old boys are a known challenge. It's a very difficult age - for them and for parents.

 

Here is my favorite bookmarked thread about boys that age:

 

http://wtmboards.com/K8genaug9/messages/1499.html

 

Norm Wakefield has great info on this (albeit from a conservative Christian standpoint).

 

In summary, I have one who has navigated those years during a separation, divorce and remarriage of both of his parents. It was TOUGH for all involved.

 

One thing I learned was that he needed *appropriate* guy centered outlets for his energy. I needed to find ways for him to grow, stretch and mature. They were not found in intermittently supervised formal academics.

 

Now, though, my oldest is doing a great deal of even self initiated school work.

 

But first he needed physical man training.

 

I also like to remind any Mom considering PS that "PS" looms as the default solution in our culture, even to homeschooling problems. I like to enourage moms to find *homeschooling* and *family* solutions to homeschoooling issues.

[kfrench]

My oldest went to PS. He is a really smart responsible kid. But he was very frustrated especially at the JR high level with how irresponsible kids were. People would steal his pencils etc because they never brought their own to school. Ps does not encourage responsibility. They would love it but if you think you don't have time imagine how many kids each teacher has and how little they will be able to keep track of him. I have to keep track of my own PS kids by checking their grades online and watching for low grades and missed assignments. I have had my son have an F in a class and have no communication from a teacher. Even in 6th grade the teacher didn't say anything. He got an F from missed assignments. If he as LD the Ps may be a struggle and he may feel stupid compared to the kids around him.

I would work on checking his work if nothing else just make sure it is done before he can do anything fun. You may have to make him sit at the kitchen table or where ever you do school with the younger kids and earn his independance by showing he is completing his work. You may want to give him one of your jobs like making dinner etc so that you will have time to check his work more carefully and explain that since you have to spend extra time making sure he gets his work done he will have to help you with your work. I would definitely be checking his work and having him fix missed problems and redoing lousy work. If he knows that he will lose fun things and will be treated like a little kid unless he shows responsibility then hopefully he will do what it takes to get his independance back. If he doesn't want his independance now I am sure he will in the future. Maybe if he is not doing his school work and messing around he can teach the younger kids as a punishment. Or I always have my kids start cleaning the house when they won't do their schoolwork. I always tell them that if they don't do their school then they will end up cleaning to make a living when they grow up so they better go work on their cleaning skills.

I've had times that my son just refused to be a part of the family. We ended up removing his computer, gameboy, ipod and grounding him from his room. He had to slowly earn each item back by just being a part of the family and being positive to the people around him. I would also probably want to get your husband involved if possible. Teenage boys sometimes tend to listen a little better to their dad and some times dad doesn't let the kids get away with as much. Threatening to make the girls do their homework with my husband always gets my girls on their toes. He demands perfection and quickness.

One other thing about PS and teenagers is that they tend to depend on their friends and "put up" with their family. They complain about family at school and do not depend on their family as much to meet their emotional needs.

 

 

 

Kris