I can't say "I told you so" so I am venting here. UPDATE in post 1

[dirty ethel rackham]

Dd is such a sweet, smart, capable person with way more emotional intelligence than everyone else in our household.  Last year, when she was choosing classes for this year at the high school (where she attends part-time), she was recommended for 3 AP classes.  She has had straight As in her classes at this school and was confident that she could handle the workload.  But, she also had a habit of putting Math and English, the two classes she did with me at home, on the back burner, necessitating doing them through the summer to complete her credits for last year. I told her it was too much.

But, dd insisted that she really wanted to be in classes with students who were engaged in learning and wanted to work hard. I've always admired that about her.  The class that most concerned me as AP Physics 1, because she is not a stellar math student (gets good grades, but has to put in a lot of effort and she works slowly) and had not completed Algebra II (as was specified in the pre-reqs but since she doesn't take Math at the school, they gave her some leeway.)  Several times, I warned her that I felt it was going to be too much, especially since 18 hours a week are devoted to her sport (3 hours practice + 2 or more hours of commute time - 3x's a week.) 

 

Well, she did poorly on the first exam in Physics despite having 100% average on the homework, because she works slow.  Her teacher took a long time to grade this exam (new baby in the house) so there hasn't been much time to go in to see him.  She has another exam today and she pretty much melted down this morning feeling so unprepared as well as worrying about all her homework due tomorrow when she is supposed to go to practice tonight and have two at school meetings with college reps.  I was trying to be appropriately sympathetic while biting my tongue, while simultaneously not let her stress get to me (working very hard on that one since my tool set for dealing with emotions is rather empty right now.) 

 

So, I told her that she could skip practice today and do an abbreviated workout close to home.  I don't want to pay for a tutor because I have two adults living at home rent free who are more than capable of helping her (older siblings who aced Physics.)  I think I need to make a formal arrangement with them that she has dedicated time each day with one of them and that she does her homework with them so that she doesn't spin her wheels and they can help her see where she is wasting time. 

 

And I need to reinstate the weekly syllabus review/homework planning time with me to help her get in the habit of looking ahead, not just the week ahead, but plan those longer term projects.  (Something I wish someone had done with me when I was a student.) 

 

Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm off to walk the dog (puppy therapy ... although that isn't an accurate description ... more like big goofy dog therapy!)  Please let that energy rub off on my. 

 

UPDATE: 

 

Dd texted me that the exam went much better than expected.  She asked me to drop off her art portfolio that she had forgotten in her upset fog this morning that was complicated by the fact that she ripped her jeans as she put some stuff in the car and had to go change (it was in a spot that would not have been OK with the rather lax dress code police.)   

 

When I got to school, she thanked me profusely,  gave me a hug and thanked me for not losing my cool with her this morning!    She is still stressed about her workload for tomorrow, knowing that she needs better sleep so we will be working through that today when she gets home. 

Edited September 28, 2016 by dirty ethel rackham

[MysteryJen]

:grouphug: Biting my tongue is my major parenting activity now. Poor ds3 gets the pent-up advice.

[Bluegoat]

Ugh.  Those are good suggestions/ideas, I think.  Do you think she realizes the nature of her error?  If not, at a better time it might be something to talk about, so she can use that experience in the future.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think she knows. Part of her problem is sleep deprivation. I don't know how her fellow students get by on so little sleep. She gets more than the average teen at her school, but it is not enough for her. We need to work on that.

 

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[wintermom]

Honestly, I'd tell her to drop the Physics course and get the pre-requisite before she signs up for it again. There are good reasons for pre-requisites, and having the background in math is essential for some things (e.g., physics, statistics). If she refuses, then have her figure out how she'll find the time and money for tutoring. Good learning opportunity now, rather than in college, I'd say.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:   I hope you all can work something out.

[Seasider]

I have to agree with winter mom. One of mine was like that and from some unknown part of me came the resolve to insist on finishing prerequisites (or be well on the path to doing so) before being allowed to enroll in the class that required it. The desired class was sort of the "carrot" and it worked because it was a CC course that student needed my help/$ to enroll.

 

Another of my kids was not strong in math, and we really went over what math was correlary to what science. With her high school's permission, she ended up taking science classes out of the typical sequence. I'm convinced it's the only way she survived chemistry.

 

I worry about these kids that never get enough rest. The world is molding into stressed out 18-hour-per-day producers with no time for restoration and relationships. But I don't have time for that soapbox this morning (says Seasider, still in her pjs).

[dirty ethel rackham]

Honestly, I'd tell her to drop the Physics course and get the pre-requisite before she signs up for it again. There are good reasons for pre-requisites, and having the background in math is essential for some things (e.g., physics, statistics). If she refuses, then have her figure out how she'll find the time and money for tutoring. Good learning opportunity now, rather than in college, I'd say.

It is only a prerequisite at this school. At other schools in our area, they allow some students to take Algebra 2 and AP Physics 1 simultaneously. My older kids had taken Algebra 2 and AP Physics B simultaneously, etching themselves the math as they needed it. But they were excellent math students who had been self teaching since 3rd grade. Over the summer, my older kids and I looked over the course topics and recommended syllabi at AP Central and made sure she had mastered all of the concepts needed, working through those sections in her Algebra 2 book and with Khan Academy. We knew that the course would be challenging. It would be challenging for her even if she had finished the prereqs. She likes it and feels likes she has a much better understanding of math using it in this way. She sees value in it (except when she is being a sleep-deprived hormonal teen who knows she needed to do more review than most of her classmates need.)

 

The drop date was two weeks ago so that ship has sailed so she would just get an F. She would rather work her butt off for a C.

 

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[goldberry]

I hear you.  I have one that gets overwhelmed easily, but still tends to to take on too much in her enthusiasm.  I am trying to let her make choices but then step in when needed.  It is a tricky balance.

[wintermom]

It is only a prerequisite at this school. At other schools in our area, they allow some students to take Algebra 2 and AP Physics 1 simultaneously. My older kids had taken Algebra 2 and AP Physics B simultaneously, etching themselves the math as they needed it. But they were excellent math students who had been self teaching since 3rd grade. Over the summer, my older kids and I looked over the course topics and recommended syllabi at AP Central and made sure she had mastered all of the concepts needed, working through those sections in her Algebra 2 book and with Khan Academy. We knew that the course would be challenging. It would be challenging for her even if she had finished the prereqs. She likes it and feels likes she has a much better understanding of math using it in this way. She sees value in it (except when she is being a sleep-deprived hormonal teen who knows she needed to do more review than most of her classmates need.)

 

The drop date was two weeks ago so that ship has sailed so she would just get an F. She would rather work her butt off for a C.

 

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I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies." 

[OneStepAtATime]

I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies." 

This seems a bit harsh.  OP said she tried to steer her in a direction that might be a better choice and her DD insisted she could handle it.  Now DD is struggling, but her mom is still trying to be supportive and find ways to help her through and NOT say "I told you so".  But OP is frustrated and needs to vent.  She is not venting at her daughter, she is turning to her on-line friends.  I find that a much better response than telling her daughter "I told you so."  I don't see where OP is being silly OR not putting on her "big girl panties".  We all have stressful moments with our kids where we need a safe place to vent a bit and get emotional support while we work hard to support our children.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies." 

Wow.  Harsh much?  I advised her not to take this class and had offered her alternatives.  But, she chose this and I understood her reasons for taking it.  When it came time to sign up for classes, she did so herself.  I could have marched down to the school, acted like a pain in the butt and insisted that they change the course, but I chose to let her handle it and prepare her the best we could for the challenge ahead.  If this was the only AP class she had signed up for, it would have been a challenge, but she has 2 other ones that are going well, but they are also time consuming. 

 

This seems a bit harsh.  OP said she tried to steer her in a direction that might be a better choice and her DD insisted she could handle it.  Now DD is struggling, but her mom is still trying to be supportive and find ways to help her through and NOT say "I told you so".  But OP is frustrated and needs to vent.  She is not venting at her daughter, she is turning to her on-line friends.  I find that a much better response than telling her daughter "I told you so."  I don't see where OP is being silly OR not putting on her "big girl panties".  We all have stressful moments with our kids where we need a safe place to vent a bit and get emotional support while we work hard to support our children.

Thank you so much for understanding where I was coming from.  I didn't want to get in my daughter's face when she was having a melt-down.  I wanted to be appropriately supportive and work hard on not doing what I usually do ... absorb my kids' stress.  That is why I came here. 

[kitten18]

I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies."

Well, that was extremely rude. Completely uncalled for.

[Guest]

I'm glad the exam went well and she appreciated you handling her freaking gracefully. Sometimes it feels like we can't ever do the right thing with a stressed, emotional loved one :grouphug:

Edited September 28, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Bluegoat]

I generally thing HS kids should make their coursework decisios themselves.  If they choose to ignore parental advice, that is not on the parent.

[Caroline]

I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies."

Just really nasty. And DER is stepping up and supporting her daughter, just as she has for all of her kids as they have needed it off and on over the years.

[Caroline]

Great update! I have one who sometimes is in almost over his head this year, and he went into it knowing it would be tough, but is working hard. It's fall break here this week and we are all enjoying the down time.

 

I have admired your parenting for years. I am sure you are handling this with the grace and dignity and lovingness that is you.

[Valley Girl]

I guess you and her both set yourselves up for this knowing your dd, and knowing full well it was going to be a major stretch and stress. So as the mom, take some adult responsibility and support her to the best of your ability. You can't step back and say "I told YOU so." That isn't fair.

 

Venting when you knew this was going to be a stretch is a little silly. Time to put on "big girl panies." 

 

Sometimes our kids insist on making choices despite parents advising them otherwise. If the choices in and of themselves are not harmful, sometimes it is best to let the kids make the choice and deal with the result for good or ill. That's also how they learn what they can handle.  Blaming the supportive parent in this case who is still trying to be supportive and not say "I told you so" is totally unfair.

 

Edited to add "are not harmful."

Edited September 28, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[wintermom]

Wow.  Harsh much?  I advised her not to take this class and had offered her alternatives.  But, she chose this and I understood her reasons for taking it.  When it came time to sign up for classes, she did so herself.  I could have marched down to the school, acted like a pain in the butt and insisted that they change the course, but I chose to let her handle it and prepare her the best we could for the challenge ahead.  If this was the only AP class she had signed up for, it would have been a challenge, but she has 2 other ones that are going well, but they are also time consuming. 

 

 

 

I don't quite buy all that you're saying, as there are lots of details that don't make sense. She's homeschooled, but on her own signs up for 3 AP classes without your consent and signature? Seems strange. But whatever. I'll not be so harsh on-line, and you can vent away.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I don't quite buy all that you're saying, as there are lots of details that don't make sense. She's homeschooled, but on her own signs up for 3 AP classes without your consent and signature? Seems strange. But whatever. I'll not be so harsh on-line, and you can vent away.

What doesn't make sense?  If you read my signature and read the entire post, you'd see that she goes to high school part-time and only homeschools a couple of subjects with me.  The 3 AP classes are at the high school.  Her teachers from last year recommended her for these classes.  There is no sign off from me.  Maybe you shouldn't go off half-cocked without actually reading my post.  Never did I say I would tell her "I told you so."  That was the point of my post ... my frustration at seeing her struggle with something I had advised against, but knowing I had to be her soft place to land so that she could pick herself up and rise to the challenge.  I needed to let it out so that I could be there for her.   But, if that bothers you, then maybe you shouldn't read my posts. 

Edited September 28, 2016 by dirty ethel rackham

[Joyofsixreboot]

As the mother of a totally overcommitted high school senior doing AP, dual credit,three sports

and working the end of my tongue may fall off. You have my sympathy.

Edited September 29, 2016 by joyofsix

[kitten18]

I don't quite buy all that you're saying, as there are lots of details that don't make sense. She's homeschooled, but on her own signs up for 3 AP classes without your consent and signature? Seems strange. But whatever. I'll not be so harsh on-line, and you can vent away.

What in the world?

[OneStepAtATime]

I don't quite buy all that you're saying, as there are lots of details that don't make sense. She's homeschooled, but on her own signs up for 3 AP classes without your consent and signature? Seems strange. But whatever. I'll not be so harsh on-line, and you can vent away.

I think perhaps it would help if you read her posts in more detail before jumping to conclusions. Many students homeschool certain subjects while attending a brick and mortar for others. Her daughter did not just randomly, on a whim, show up at some school and sign up for a bunch of AP classes without her mother's permission. She was already a part time student at that school. She didn't need her mother's permission to enroll in the classes but they talked it over, her mother advised against the choices she made, OP's daughter insisted she could handle it, so OP did not fight her on it. OP is supporting her child and also giving her a chance to learn some valuable life lessons IMHO. She is providing her with a loving environment while DD finds out just how much she can handle. OP just felt a bit stressed about it and wanted to vent to people who might understand without that vent negatively impacting her child.

 

The bottom line is you are essentially calling OP either a liar or off her rocker with your latest post and I am baffled as to why.