tips for managing neg hs comments

[JABarney]

For the most part I have considered myself lucky. We live in an area where homeschooling appears to be generally accepted... or at least people are too polite to be blatently judgemental. Our families I sensed, were concerned at first, yet appropriately refrained from making any comments. After the first year they even appeared to relax and we started getting lots of positive, encouraging feedback.

 

Now comes the "problem". I have started to get comments from my in-laws ie ...'when they go to school... when you decide to quit... etc. I usually respond with replys like; "well, you never know, I may need the schools one day, but for now it is working really well and we cannot imagine making any other choice. I hope we can go all the way!"

I get the impression that they were perhaps only supportive becaue they really thought that this "experiment" would not last and now that it is looking like it might go on forever... well, they'd better start to worry. Maybe I am misinterpreting their comments? Is there another spin?

 

I would love to hear how others have managed this issue with extended family.

[Alphabetika]

Polite nod, distant smile, inward resolve not to give up. :)

[HollyinNNV]

Here are my strategies. YMMV:

 

1. I do not bring up hsing, curriculum choices, or any struggles I am having.

2. If the subject comes up, I am elusive or ambiguous.

3. I change the subject.

4. If asked, I state that I plan to do it forever-haha. Or sometimes I just say, one day at a time.

 

I think that I used to bring it up more in conversation. However, now I try to avoid it in conversation because I frankly don't care what anyone thinks. After 9 years........pfffffffft.

 

I've found that the more confidant I sound, the less people seem apt to reform/educate/question me.

Holly

[Stacy in NJ]

I think some grandparents may feel a sense of disappointment when their grandkids are homeschooled because they don't get to see them succeeding in the same way other schooled kids do. Homeschooled kids don't usually play on the school's football team, participate in band or give out bumper stickers that say, "My son/daughter/grandson/grandaughter is an the honor roll." Your IL's are probably just missing that experience, or anticipating missing that experience.

 

I'd just be a little firmer in letting them know that you intend to homeschool for the long term.

[Remudamom]

Well, my family knows me pretty well, so none of them ever say a word about it to me. 8)

 

Really, my mom thought it was cool, but the first thing my dad said was "That's the biggest mistake you'll ever make." (Well Pops, it's our mistake to make, you got a chance to ruin us and now it's our turn to ruin your grandkids .) 16 years later he denies he ever said that, he's on board all the way now. I think he was concerned about college, but was suitably impressed when ds's school got a big write up in the New York Times. You'd have thought he homeschooled him himself!

 

Just let it roll off your back.

[WTMCassandra]

Ah, the famous bean dip reply was brilliantly devised long ago by Joanne for just such occasions:

 

"Thanks, but homeschooling really fits our family right now. Here, have some more bean dip!"

 

Famous bean dip post

[Elaine]

Here are my strategies. YMMV:

 

1. I do not bring up hsing, curriculum choices, or any struggles I am having.

2. If the subject comes up, I am elusive or ambiguous.

3. I change the subject.

4. If asked, I state that I plan to do it forever-haha. Or sometimes I just say, one day at a time.

 

I think that I used to bring it up more in conversation. However, now I try to avoid it in conversation because I frankly don't care what anyone thinks. After 9 years........pfffffffft.

 

I've found that the more confidant I sound, the less people seem apt to reform/educate/question me.

Holly

 

 

:iagree: Great advice!

[KIN]

I feel your pain! My mother is not supportive of me homeschooling my dc. Just today my dh had a newspaper in his mailbox (he works in our family business) from a local paper stating how our public school is one of the best in the state, put there by Mom of course. A few days ago she told me "I hope you see the light one of these days and put those kids in school." I laughed and said "I hope you see the light one of these days."

 

I try to laugh it off, but it does hurt and makes it easy to second guess yourself.

[Jennifer in NH]

Polite nod, distant smile, inward resolve not to give up. :)

:iagree: That about sums it up for me!

[yoda]

I personally could deal with my parents asking every time again, so when exactly are they going to go to school?, but I found it much harder that my dh wasn't really on board for the first year or two. I felt like I couldn't say we had had a hard day or anything like that. Thankfully everyone, parents, dh, in-laws etc. are all on board now, maybe it just takes time, time for them to see the kids don't turn into social outcasts with no academic or social skills whatsoever?

 

Marie-Louise

[JABarney]

I appreciate that others have to deal with these issues. I loved the bean dip link, and do think that I have opened myself up to discussion about our decision because I want "approval" from the previous generation. (It does then make it hard to talk about the hard days when we have them, because I fear the "I told you so, see they should be in school" etc)

 

Regarding the grandparents; I had not considererd that there may be a sense of loss on their part. I have made sure to provide them with lots of opportunities to brag etc. If any sense of loss were part of this for them, I think we will demonstrate in time that they actually will get more due to the various activities we are involved in. I believe if we were in ps, we'd be too exhaused to be involved in all the extra things we currently participate in.

 

I think as I continue to reflect on this issue, that perhaps it is really a reflection of my own self doubt. After all, I have made the hs decision for the dc because I believe it is what is best for them. In moments of self compassion I realize how horrible it is to have those moments when I wonder if this decision could actually harm them! Maybe that is one of the things that make us better at what we do? You know, the constant evaluating and reevaluating. I mean, these are our dc and the stakes are high! Nobody else will care as much as I do. Not even the grandparents!

 

Thanks again for all the feedback! :001_cool:

[Harriet Vane]

The others have given good advice. I will add one thing.

 

I think it is appropriate to tell these people that their criticism hurts. For some reason, many people have at least one topic (or more!) on which they think their strong feelings give them permission to overstep common courtesy. I have noticed that putting aside manners in this way often comes from family or close friends--this is a presumption. There is no topic nor any relationship that justifies rudeness.

 

Do not allow this to turn into an opportunity for them to pour out all the reasons they are worried or against this choice.

 

Say something along the lines of, "You don't have to like our choice, and you may worry, but you need to stop being rude about our choice. We are aware of the educational options at our disposal. Homeschooling works well for our family, so that is what we are doing. You have expressed your concerns, and we have heard them--there is no need for further commentary."

 

Then if they refuse to respect that boundary, utilize Joanne's bean dip response.

[JFSinIL]

My in-laws are great and supportive. It is my dad who thinks I should not homeschool. So - we do not talk about it. My brother and sister-in-law are school teachers - they have all three of their littles in preschool/school/day-care and while I do not bring up homeschooling, they can not stop themselves from talking about how good all the preschool/school/day-care is for their kidlets. Obviously, to me, they are having to justify their choices - whatever.

 

If anyone cares to bring it up, I will gladly discuss homeschooling. I also note that I also have kids in "regular" school - for us, whether a kid is at school or home is a year-by-year decision. So far, most lower grade years home has been the better choice.

[WTMCassandra]

The others have given good advice. I will add one thing.

 

I think it is appropriate to tell these people that their criticism hurts. For some reason, many people have at least one topic (or more!) on which they think their strong feelings give them permission to overstep common courtesy. I have noticed that putting aside manners in this way often comes from family or close friends--this is a presumption. There is no topic nor any relationship that justifies rudeness.

 

Do not allow this to turn into an opportunity for them to pour out all the reasons they are worried or against this choice.

 

Say something along the lines of, "You don't have to like our choice, and you may worry, but you need to stop being rude about our choice. We are aware of the educational options at our disposal. Homeschooling works well for our family, so that is what we are doing. You have expressed your concerns, and we have heard them--there is no need for further commentary."

 

Then if they refuse to respect that boundary, utilize Joanne's bean dip response.

 

Wow, Strider, this is great. Yes, I am sick to DEATH of people who think that they should get a free pass for rudeness because they are a relative.

[Danestress]

Or I should say, grandparents do.

 

Unless they have totally violated the relationship, I think they deserve to be heard and to have their worries addressed directly. They are grandparents. You are the parent and you have the right to make decisions, and you have a right not to be underminded or endure undue criticism.

 

But it sounds like they are just expressing normal grandparent worries. They probably love your kids very much, and to me, there is really something special about that grandparent relationship and there is a certain amount of respect and deference we show to that older generation.

 

So I would say something like, "It sounds like you are worried about homeschooling" and then see what they say. I might continue the conversation with reassurance about how well it is going. I would never let them think that I won't homeschool unless they approve, but I would work to gain that approval. And I would not do the "shut them out, it's none of their business" thing.

[Sweetpeach]

Nova Scotia's provincial testing results make it really easy for me to combat negative homeschooling comments (which come few and far between for us).

 

The grade 12 provincial math exam has a pass rate of less than 50%.

 

Go figure.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Or I should say, grandparents do.

 

Unless they have totally violated the relationship, I think they deserve to be heard and to have their worries addressed directly. They are grandparents. You are the parent and you have the right to make decisions, and you have a right not to be underminded or endure undue criticism.

 

But it sounds like they are just expressing normal grandparent worries. They probably love your kids very much, and to me, there is really something special about that grandparent relationship and there is a certain amount of respect and deference we show to that older generation.

 

So I would say something like, "It sounds like you are worried about homeschooling" and then see what they say. I might continue the conversation with reassurance about how well it is going. I would never let them think that I won't homeschool unless they approve, but I would work to gain that approval. And I would not do the "shut them out, it's none of their business" thing.

 

:iagree: I would also find out what *they* feel the benefits of attending a traditional school are (and there are many) and ask them to help you come up with some ways your children can have some of those benefits while homeschooling.

[Lisa R.]

Thirteen years later, they are supportive.

 

What happened in the meantime?

 

First, I learned not to share my struggles with people who were not like-minded. If you are having a bad day with home schooling, tell it to a fellow home schooler. In my case, I never expressed my frustrations with home schooling to my in-laws.

 

Second, I did not talk about home schooling. My MIL rarely brought it up. When she did, she talked about them going to school when they were older. Surely this is temporary? Right? When she asked what they were doing, I showed her a few things. She was genuinely impressed, but still looked forward to them attending school one day.

 

Third, I was given this advice long ago by an older home schooling mom. When parents object to their grandchildren being home schooled, you say nothing. For how long? As long as it takes. In her case, as her children grew, her parents saw the sharp contrast between her children and the other grandchildren. In time, this won them over. This also happened for us. But, it took many, many, many years. Trust me when I say, it's a long time to keep your mouth shut.

 

Of course, I'm talking about parents or in-laws who are well-meaning and fairly open minded. It sounds like this is the case with you, as well. If there's imbalance or great dysfunction, all the reason in the world won't sway them. I don't think that applies here, though.

 

In other words, just give it time. If you focus on character and academics, your kids will shine. At a young age, this isn't always obvious to an outside observer. However, the gap get wider and wider as kids get older.

[Jean in Newcastle]

With grandparents, I will often speak to the unspoken caring/concern behind the snarky comments. If they say "When will you put Johnny in real school. . ." I will say, "I can see that you really want the best education for Johnny." or "I can see that you want Johnny to get along with other children." (These are valid things for them to want and you should acknowledge that!) Then I would also point out that you want them for you kids too. If they have a valid point (my parents correctly pointed out that I was terrible at math when I was in school) then address it. In my case, I told them that I can still handle elementary math! - but when things get over my head we will definitely get a tutor or put him in an outsourced math class etc. But once I've explained these valid things - then I tell them that I'm not going to keep addressing these issues! So pass the bean dip!

[G5052]

The others have given good advice. I will add one thing.

 

I think it is appropriate to tell these people that their criticism hurts.

 

Say something along the lines of, "You don't have to like our choice, and you may worry, but you need to stop being rude about our choice. We are aware of the educational options at our disposal. Homeschooling works well for our family, so that is what we are doing. You have expressed your concerns, and we have heard them--there is no need for further commentary."

 

Then if they refuse to respect that boundary, utilize Joanne's bean dip response.

 

Maybe I'm showing my middle-ish age, but I just don't tolerate deep discussion on these types of issues. Ironically, my problem is with relatives who are pro-homeschooling because either they are homeschooling or have homeschooled in the past, and they think that we're "ruining" our children by homeschooling classically and above-and-beyond the state standards.

 

There are just some family choices that are not up for discussion, period.

[ChemMommy]

Thirteen years later, they are supportive.

 

What happened in the meantime?

 

Third, I was given this advice long ago by an older home schooling mom. When parents object to their grandchildren being home schooled, you say nothing. For how long? As long as it takes. In her case, as her children grew, her parents saw the sharp contrast between her children and the other grandchildren. In time, this won them over. This also happened for us. But, it took many, many, many years. Trust me when I say, it's a long time to keep your mouth shut.

 

 

 

My in-laws never said a word about whether they agreed with our choice or not. I assumed that they thought we were weird. After a few years of hsing, they began to say nice things. After a couple of more years, they started to say supportive things. Now they are fans.

 

What happened?

 

They saw that, one, we WERE educating our kids well, and, TWO, our kids were so much nicer than ps kids and grandkids in the family. As the saying goes, the proof is in the pudding.....

 

Oh, and be very careful about who you vent you about a bad day in homeschooling. Why do you think forums like this are so popular? There are other SAHMs who don't have major forum addictions. Here we can actually vent and admit that we screwed up and had a bad day.

 

If you have a IRL friend who will listen to a vent and be supportive, treasure her!!!!!

 

Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.......learned that one the hard way. Nothing like being down and having a good friend pull you further down by encouraging you to give up homeschooling.

[ChemMommy]

the cause is that they feel guilty for not homeschooling themselves.

 

Or because they feel that WE are judging them harshly because they are not giving up a career to homeschool their kids.

 

I often think it is their own guilt talking.....

 

For years, I lied and said that we made the decision to homeschool year-by-year. We really didn't. We were reasonably sure that we were homeschooling through high school. But, saying that it was a year-by-year decision helped "pass the bean dip" because they always could walk away believing that we'd come to our senses by spring.

 

Now, the first time I said in public that we were hsing all the way, you should have heard the silence. I made the announcement at our yearly department banquet. In for a penny, in for a pound, right??? :lol: