WWYD?

[Kathryn]

My boys are attending a Hogwarts Day Camp at the UU Church this week. This morning when I was dropping them off, one of the adults smilingly said to me "DS sure does like chemistry doesn't he? Did he bring home any of the experiments he's done to show you?" I answered that he had and she asked which one. I answered that there were a few and I wasn't sure what they were. She then went on taking about how he asked to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and eventually meandered away. I said goodbye to my boys who had been in and out of their rooms and then was turning to leave when I saw the woman with my son that we'd been discussing over in the corner of the hallway. As I got closer, it became apparent that she was discussing the tiny "potion" bottles he'd brought home and that he shouldn't have done that. When she finished and turned around and saw me there, she told me that he was not supposed to take them, but she had not explicitly told the children that. I, of course, apologized and said I'd bring them back when I pick him up.

 

So, I can't figure out why she asked me about it the way she did. Was she trying to not get him in trouble at home and so she didn't plan on telling me at all that he wasn't supposed to have them, but she thought he'd lie if she asked him? Or did she not trust me to tell the truth if she just said "Hey, did DS bring home any of the potion bottles? Some are missing and we thought maybe some kids took them home." I'm feeling offended about the way it was addressed to me, like she thought I'd lie if she just asked. She seemed all nice about it the whole time, but it just felt off to me. IDK if she was trying to avoid confrontation or just doesn't trust people. Would you say something to her about it or just return the bottles and drop it?

[poppy]

Probably the old 'compliment before you criticize' technique used by teachers all over. My guess is that she was genuinely complimenting his interest, then she brought up the bottles.

[Garga]

I don't think there's enough information to sort of what she was thinking.

 

She might have been chatting with you and then chatting with him entirely separately. Each conversation could have had nothing to do with the other.

 

Or

 

She could have talked with you, fishing about the potion bottles, because she knew she'd talk to your ds about it and she wanted to confirm with you that he had the bottles before discussing it with him. Perhaps she's talked to kids about taking things home when it turned out they hadn't and the kid got upset. She might have wanted to avoid any drama if she asked your son about it and he hadn't taken the bottles.

 

Or she could have thought your son would lie about it because he'd be embarrassed if she confronted him.

 

If nothing else strange happens, I'd figure that the conversations were mostly separate and that she was just trying to avoid any drama from anyone. She probably felt like there was no reason to involve you in the bottles as it was up to your son to return them since he was the one who took them home. Not in a sneaky way, but in a "be responsible for yourself without mom's help" kind of way. And she probably didn't want him to feel embarrassed for accidentally taking something he shouldn't have, since he didn't know he shouldn't have taken them.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Garga

[bolt.]

I think she's genuinely nice, and was trying to find a way to figure out where her bottles were and ask for them back -- all without saying or implying that anyone had done anything wrong. It sounds like she didn't think anyone has done anything wrong.

 

Confirming with you that your extra-interested son had indeed taken the bottles home (not knowing he wasn't supposed to) allowed her to ask him nicely. She could do it one-on-one instead of talking to the whole class, and instead if having to 'ask' him (which he might have interpreted as trouble) she could just let him know the right thing to do next. No apologies were needed.

[happi duck]

I vote just return the bottles and forget about it.

 

Who knows what she's encountered in the past when talking to parents, kwim?

[Kathryn]

Thank you! I'll just return them and say nothing further. I sometimes have trouble reading intentions.

[Anne in CA]

I think she was trying to get around an awkward topic without making you uncomfortable, but it was uncomfortable anyway. Some people cannot be direct. I agree with a PP who said she may have been trained to use this "technique". It sounds like the passive/ aggressive junk that led me to home school all those years ago. No one can be passive/ aggressive like an elementary school teacher. I hate that sort of thing and I would have felt yucky after the exchange too.

[Tanaqui]

Thank you! I'll just return them and say nothing further. I sometimes have trouble reading intentions.

 

Better not to bother. If it's important, ask straight out. If it's not - and it frequently isn't - just move on. You can't know what other people really mean, and if it's anything unpleasant they'll only deny it if you do guess correctly.

 

Probably the old 'compliment before you criticize' technique used by teachers all over. My guess is that she was genuinely complimenting his interest, then she brought up the bottles.

 

I have a psych friend who calls this a sh** sandwich, and she's right. Years of being an "underachiever" brought me to the point where, to this day, if I hear anything that even remotely sounds like a compliment of my intelligence, I start looking for the door! Nothing good comes from it.

 

The compliments followed by criticism, that is, not my intelligence :) I'm sure good things come from that all the time!

Edited June 29, 2016 by Tanaqui

[gardenmom5]

I wouldn't let it bother me, just return the bottles.

 

and if this is supposed to be a hogwarts summer camp - it's not chemistry - it's potions . . . . must be precise.

[Little Nyssa]

Just cluelessness about how to have a conversation. Don't pay too much attention.

[elegantlion]

She was asking without being accusatory. I assume she doesn't know you well, she's probably encountered families that immediately get defensive. She framed it to make it NOT sound like your kid is a thief, that he was genuinely interested. She also talked to you to confirm before outright accusing your son to his face. Sounds like she also didn't want him to get in trouble for it from you.