Is this too harsh? Ds continues to lose swim goggles

[Tsuga]

My Ds 11 has lost or broken 5 pairs of goggles in 2 months. We make him pay to replace them by doing extra chores to earn money, but 5 pairs! This is getting ridiculous. He borrowed a pair from his friend this week and he lost those so now he will have to replace those too. He is a good kid but absent minded and sometimes reluctant to take responsibility. Well I had enough last night. I told him he needed to find a way outside of his family to earn money to replace the goggles AND I would not be taking him to do a fun activity that he has really been looking forward to today. He completely melted down because I'm not taking him. My DH says it seems harsh to include the missed activity as punishment as well since I'm already making him find a way to earn money.

What do you guys think?

 

Mine lose goggles all the time. It's insane.

 

My kids have to use used goggles from Goodwill or borrow them.

 

I don't think you can make someone unforgetful, though, so other than earning the money, I don't know what you will do. Maybe to him, working for a few hours is less painful than spending the entire swim practice mouthing GOGGLES GOGGLES DON'T LOSE DON'T SET DOWN GOGGLES so he doesn't forget. Earning money is fair, just randomly missing activities is not fair.

[zoobie]

Is there a lost and found? All those goggles are somewhere....

My kids have lost goggles between the pool in our yard and the house. It's mind boggling.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Yes, I do think you are to harsh. A child isn't going to become less forgetful by being punished. You know this kid is forgetful and therefore, needs your help. Do we punish a kid who doesn't learn to read fast enough for our liking? Or learn to tie their shoes by a certain age?

So, you build into the routine that, before you leave the swim venue, you remind ds to show you the goggles and show you that he is putting them in the swim bag. You plan enough time for DS to forget and go back for them because you know it will happen. Eventually, you can move to asking DS what is the question we always ask before we leave. This kid seems to need more intermediate steps to learn how to manage. I was always shamed as a kid for being forgetful, for being a daydreamer. I never did it on purpose and I can guarantee that punishing did not make me better at it. Teaching me strategies to manage this weakness (not character flaw) was what made a difference.

 

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[Seasider]

Is there a lost and found? All those goggles are somewhere....

Yes, at our pools there are boxes of them! When my dd forgot her goggles (before we started leaving them in a car!), she borrowed from the basket. The "consequence" was that she had to work up the courage to tell the lifeguard she's forgotten her own and ask politely, then of course return them.

[sassenach]

LOL

 

I think they were Speedos.  Anyway, they were YELLOW with blue straps and he liked that.  I think he kind of viewed them as his "trademark."  Yeah, he grew, but the straps held up and we just loosened them along the way.  

 

I found it somewhat amusing that after his last race, he put them away forever and now would not be caught dead wearing YELLOW SWIM GOGGLES.  We got him prescription swim goggles as part of his 18th birthday, since he had done such a good job keeping track all those years.  And they do fit a little better.  :0)

LOL, I just discovered that ds has been wearing the same underwear for 4 years. He's probably doubled in size. He's almost 5'10" and was wearing size 10s  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: . I told him I was buying new ones and he was like, "no, these still fit!" Why? Why do boys cling to their underwear like this?

[Daria]

:iagree:

 

Do not make your child swim without goggles. The chlorine in the pool is kept high. That is not good for his eyes. Help the child learn to be responsible. You can have him work towards paying for them, but don't punish him like that.

I wonder if this is individual, because I swam for 2 years in HS, plus a bunch of summers, and I've never owned a pair of goggles, or experienced anything beyond a little itchiness in the first moments out the pool.

[TechWife]

Definitely too harsh because you decided after the loss that this would be the penalty. You gave him no warning or chance to try to earn this event.

 

It's fine to up the ante - esp for repeated problems - but the way to do it is to sit down and have a short discussion with junior detailing cause/effect.

 

"Losing your googles has become a regular problem now and it's one we need to fix. We're making this checklist to try to help you remember. However, if that doesn't work, you're also going to have to come up with your own money from outside the family to replace them."

 

If you want more added - such as no transportation to events - then put them in there too, but it needs to be with advanced warning, preferably right before swim practice and not "I'm angry so I'm throwing a tantrum and taking away something you didn't even know was up for grabs."

 

Everyone needs to know consequences before behaviors - not after. It sounds like you hadn't even mentioned this punishment before.

I think that young children should know the consequences of their misbehavior ahead of time, if possible. However, not all consequences in life are predictable. I think that the

Middle school/teen years are a good time for kids to begin learning that. I also think that the consequences should be related to the problem as closely as possible, though. Not driving a child to a random event seems out of left field to me.

 

Just by way of example: DS knows that if he gets a speeding ticket, he will have to pay for it and the resulting increase in our auto insurance. However, I've never mentioned to him that this might he has to pass up social activities so that he can work to earn the money. He can figure that out if/when it comes to it. Not all consequences are known ahead of time, and that's normal in life.

[EmseB]

I wonder if this is individual, because I swam for 2 years in HS, plus a bunch of summers, and I've never owned a pair of goggles, or experienced anything beyond a little itchiness in the first moments out the pool.

 

I don't know.  I swam competitively for 10+ years and no one (at least I can't think of anyone) practiced or raced without goggles.  There was the chlorine issue, but also having an advantage of seeing where you were going.  A handful of times I dove in for a race and my goggles went down my face and it was horrible not being able to see.  Gauging distances for turns and such was pretty important.  I wasn't able to do that without goggles.

 

Summer swimming is a bit different, but I still wouldn't spend a prolonged amount of time in a chlorinated pool without goggles

Edited March 5, 2016 by JodiSue

[Lolly]

I wonder if this is individual, because I swam for 2 years in HS, plus a bunch of summers, and I've never owned a pair of goggles, or experienced anything beyond a little itchiness in the first moments out the pool.

 

More like experience different. High school and summer leagues are not the same beast as competitive swimming. Even today, most high schools here are in the water for around an hour at most. During that hour, they don't actually have their faces in the water swimming all that much. The year round, competitive kids are in the water so much, so long, that they should not be regularly swimming without goggles on. My girls were sometimes in the water for 4 hours or more three days a week with three additional days of 2-3 hours. So, around 20 hours a week compared to 5 for high school swimmers. Even as little kids, their practices ran an hour and a half to two hours. at 11, most kids were swimming two hours a day. (I limited mine to 4, maybe 5, days a week at that age.) I once read an article about how goggles had changed the sport. It was tremendous how times dropped once goggles (that actually worked...) were introduced. Practices went from being 45 minutes (and not every day) to two hours of water time twice a day. The time drops were as impressive as that much training different would make you think they were.

[creekland]

 Not all consequences are known ahead of time, and that's normal in life.

 

True, but (most) adults have fully developed brains and are able to think about consequences ahead of time without too much difficulty.

 

Kids do not have this luxury.  Their brains - esp the forward thinking part - is not developed until age 21-25 for normal humans.

 

One can ask, expect, demand, whatever, that their 11 year olds do Calculus too, but in reality, few can do it well.  Punishment sure won't help.

 

The kid will still grow up and their mind will develop normally regardless of parenting choices, but that path to get there can be teamwork and fun or full of feelings of inadequacy because they can't quite get it together for some strange reason.

 

Part of why I get along incredibly well with all highschoolers (not on drugs) is because I keep things reasoned out for them - spelled out - choices.  Kids love that and work well with it.  There can be one or two who challenge my system to see how firm I am, but it only happens (with the same kid) once.  

 

I don't worry at all that they won't be prepared for adult life.  They're actually better prepared to be honest.  Their brains will develop without as much angst along the way.

[Alicia64]

My two 12 year olds are reasonably responsible, but I'm the one who keeps track of goggles. At the end of a swim day I say, "Did you both put your goggles in the swim bag?"

 

In other words, the three of us take care of them together.

 

Alley

[Rebel Yell]

LOL, I just discovered that ds has been wearing the same underwear for 4 years. He's probably doubled in size. He's almost 5'10" and was wearing size 10s  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: . I told him I was buying new ones and he was like, "no, these still fit!" Why? Why do boys cling to their underwear like this?

 

:coolgleamA:  My bizarre little overly-literal brain actually needed a few moments to process this to mean that you hadn't bought him new underwear for 4 years, not that he has been wearing the SAME PAIR of underwear for 4 years. :ack2:  At that point, I think the underwear is more likely clinging to HIM. :lol: