Having a hard time not comparing DS6 with his same-age cousin today.

[AimeeM]

We spent a couple days with family, out of state, anticipating the birth of my new nephew.

 

One of my (existing) nephews is the same age as DS6; they are both in first grade. DS6 has medical special needs (heart, lung, vascular, growth) that generally impact him only medically, but those needs also float into his academics and maturity. He has a very, very hard time writing (low muscle tone and strength - it's painful for him); whereas my nephew is writing pages and pages, in beautiful handwriting, in his journal daily. DS6 is barely reading (we suspect dyslexia, as his older sister is dyslexic, one of my sisters, and my father); whereas my nephew is easily devouring Goosebumps books. My son IS a whiz with numbers and is a very logical kiddo who can lean very analytical (like my husband, lol), so he definitely has his strengths... but I'm having a hard time not comparing DS' reading and writing with my nephew's :( 

And maturity-wise... DS just seems so much younger than my nephew. DS6 is very into sharing and my nephew refused to let him play his xbox minecraft (with him, as my nephew as playing as well); when nephew refused, DS sobbed and sobbed, whereas any time that weekend that my nephew was upset, he pouted a bit or got angry, but didn't sob or cry. While the other kids were playing around and goofing off pretending to be different things or go different places, or my mother was playing around saying she was going to "keep" DS3 (DS6's little brother), my son was throwing fits and screaming - "you are NOT a pirate! You are A--- (insert child's name)!" and sobbing, yelling at my mother that she could NOT keep his little brother. No matter how many times I tell him that something is "pretend" or that somebody is only joking about something, he just. doesn't. get. it. 

 

DS is making so much progress writing and reading, but I can't seem to help comparing him to nephew - and I feel terrible for it.

[mathmarm]

You are not terrible, you are human. My son is much younger than yours, but I also struggle with comparing him. His cousin is SO well behaved, so calm and gentle. My son is frantic and many days I dream of safe-tranquilizers for preschoolers.

 

 

The last time they were in the same room, my son and his cousin scribbled on some notepads and when I told them to stop because it wasn't their notepad, his cousin said "okay" and left it. My son? Tore the page out with his teeth and tried to eat it. Oye.

 

Your son is blossoming at his own rate and most 6 year olds in the states are barely reading, so your son is not far behind the curve. His writing abilities are tethered to some very real medical issues and you are treating/caring for the medical issues, his hardship in writing is a mere symptom of genuine medical issues. As your sons muscular development catches up he too may blossom in that department.

 

Kids are people and people are different in all their strengths and weaknesses. Don't feel bad because you notice the differences/weaknesses/strengths of your children and judge their development against other kids to check on their growth and development. That is what a good, attentive and nurturing parent does.

 

You are using the best resources available to you to help your child development to the best of his abilities and to realize his true potential more fully. Kudos to you mama! You are doing a great job!

[Mom28GreatKids]

It is hard. Every time I hear a 3 yo speaking like a normal 3 yo should, I just want to scream, or to cry, or both. My ds speaks like a 1 yo. It is hard. Hugs to you. Don't beat yourself up.

[kbutton]

Does the hospital your son utilize have a child welfare type of organization where you can talk to someone about these concerns? I don't know the right name, but I know some places have them. It's not unusual for kids with significant medical issues to not be quite socially typical simply from what they are going through. Maybe they can help you sort out your concerns.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Lecka]

This is so hard! I attend a parent support group, too. It helps.

 

Your son is a great kid, and it sounds like he has got a lot going for him, too.

[Crimson Wife]

{{{hugs}}} We're about to head off later tonight to youngest DD's Daisy Scout meeting and it's always so hard for me to see how far ahead the NT girls in the troop are from where DD is developmentally. It's a marathon, not a sprint and DD is S-L-O-W-L-Y making progress. Every time we get updated language testing, she gains a few percentiles closer to the "normal" range. But it's still hard on me emotionally.

[OneStepAtATime]

As Crimson Wife said, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  Huge hugs Aimee.  I know this is soooooo hard.  I get it.  Hard and painful and worrisome.  But your son and you are in this for the long haul.  You both need that time.  Give yourselves that time.  

 

FWIW, at 6 DD had already repeated 4k, struggled daily with academics and seemed to get further and further behind her peers emotionally/socially with every passing year.  I was exhausted every day trying to help her.  Are things perfect now?  No.  She is still behind in many areas academically from her same age peers.  But she is blossoming in ways I never anticipated.  She is happy.  She is learning.  She is thriving.  She has friends and lots of outside interests and works hard every day at academics.  She is making great progress and keeps discovering new things she wants to pursue.  She is a joy to be around.  I never thought we'd get here but I am so grateful we have made it to this point.

 

DS has run into obstacles that honestly scare me and have me down on a regular basis but when I look at DD I have to remember where we were at when she was 11. DD was still struggling, still down, we only just had a diagnosis and were trying to find how to help.  I realize that from 11 to 15 was a huge difference, way more than from 6 to 11 in many ways.  I have to hope that we will find the right path for DS as well.  It must be on his timetable, though.  Comparing him to other kids just undermines my ability to help him, it weakens me.  I have to keep focused on my own child, hard as that is to do at times.  When I stumble, I seek a reality check from others here.  I am so grateful there are others who understand.

 

Just for the record, I don't believe your nephew is average at all.  I know a lot of 6 year olds that are not functioning as he is.  He seems advanced to me.  Please don't compare what he is doing to what your son is doing.  Think about it.  Your son has faced enormous challenges.  I think he is doing amazingly well.  Comparing him to a child that has not faced those challenges and is advanced for his age is unfair and harmful to both of you.  I know how easy it is to fall into that trap but you must try not to.  Don't sap your own strength by doing so.  Please.  Hang in there, Aimee.  You are doing a great job.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[PeterPan]

Nothing brilliant to add, but I'm sorry it happened.  Hopefully they don't feel the need to have academics come up every time.  And I agree, that's pretty stinkin' precocious.  They might have a different experience with their next kid.  Even with kids with no disabilities there's going to be a range.  

[AimeeM]

Does the hospital your son utilize have a child welfare type of organization where you can talk to someone about these concerns? I don't know the right name, but I know some places have them. It's not unusual for kids with significant medical issues to not be quite socially typical simply from what they are going through. Maybe they can help you sort out your concerns.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

If I mentioned any type of concerns regarding his maturity, they would refer me to the ped's behaviour specialists. I know, from dealing with the same for DS3, that it can take a year to just be seen, and much longer to have anything done.

I also don't think that a ped's behaviour specialist is the right route for DS6. For DS3, yes (and we were able to speed up that process by going completely private with a ped's psychologist for DS3), but not for DS6. He just sees the world differently and I don't think that can be changed. I don't really think he's socially atypical, because he actually socializes fine - he just isn't into everything that the other kids are (okay, maybe that IS socially awkward?) and he doesn't respond well to pretend play. 

I don't know that I want him to change, actually, even though sometimes the aversion to pretend makes me sad. I like that he shares, regardless of who shares with him (this same cousin was allowed full access to all DS6's things, only moments after refusing to allow DS6 to play with HIS things), I love that he forgives and forgets (well, most of the time - he DOES allow other kids to walk all over him), and I love that he's close enough to his younger brother he will do anything (even battle the beloved grandmother) to "protect" him.

I just wish it wasn't so glaring some times. I wish it didn't make him the butt of jokes - as if the fact that he's the size of a 3 year old or sometimes wears a mask isn't bad enough, take on the kid screaming at grandma that she IS NOT going to tie her brother up to the roof (joke, folks, just a joke). 

 

And if I ask others not to pretend to kidnap his baby brother, it's MY kid who needs to be less sensitive. 

 

He IS super sensitive. I've flirted with the idea of evaluation, but I don't honestly know what I would do with the information, so I've opted not to go through with it for now. Does that make any sense (it doesn't always make sense to me)? 

I don't know if I want him to change. 99% of the time, he's happy with who he is. He doesn't think he's smaller or weaker than other kids; he doesn't know any different than the mask he wears sometimes, and he doesn't compare himself academically (in fact, he's a great cheerleader for his nephew and his younger brother). 

 

Ugh. I don't know.

[AimeeM]

And you know what - it isn't just that HE'S happy with who and where he is. I am, too (99% of the time).

This kid never tells me he won't do his chores - he very happily accepts new chores. He just helped me fold and put away laundry.

He's never met a stranger. Sure, we have to remind him at times that he can't walk off with strangers (yikes!), but seriously - nobody meets him and doesn't smile. He hugs you when you leave (yep, even if you're the babysitter he just met), tells you he loves you, and wishes you "a lovely day."

If his brother falls down or has a bad dream, he's the first one there to comfort him. 

Unlike some of the NT kiddos his age that I know, this kid has no problem with affection and still wants to be held at night, kissed, and hugged. 

 

He's a really, really great kid.

[Guest]

nm

Edited February 10, 2016 by Guest

[PeterPan]

Would the behavior specialists diagnose him??  Since it takes a year to get into professionals where you are, what you might do is get on the correct waiting list so you have the option.  Right now, you only have the wondering and worrying about it.  

 

His lack of self-awareness of differences won't stay that way forever, and at some point you'll want the right words.  And if it takes a year waiting list at that point, it won't be happy.

[Lecka]

If you do decide to pursue an evaluation ------ it doesn't imply you want to change him, or that you don't love and appreciate and value him just the way he is.  You can just want to help him and know better how to respond to his needs.  This was a big issue for me prior to taking my younger son.... the truth is I do value him and love him the way he is.  I get it seeming like those feelings are opposite to feelings of "let's get a label on this kid" (to put it in the worst way) but I haven't found that to be the case for me. 

[AimeeM]

Would the behavior specialists diagnose him??  Since it takes a year to get into professionals where you are, what you might do is get on the correct waiting list so you have the option.  Right now, you only have the wondering and worrying about it.  

 

His lack of self-awareness of differences won't stay that way forever, and at some point you'll want the right words.  And if it takes a year waiting list at that point, it won't be happy.

Thanks :)

Edited January 21, 2016 by AimeeM

[kbutton]

You know, I think I would maybe want a consult with someone to just find out if his reactions to things like the jesting about tying the brother up are typical for a child who has been through a medical slog. Maybe pretend makes him feel out of control. I picked up the social angle because those things are often red flags for social, but it's not necessarily a red flag in the same way it is for someone else if it grows out of his experiences with having medical issues, KWIM? I do think the self-awareness thing is both a great trait and a bit of concern. He really could just be who he is, and his unwillingness to compare himself to others could be a pretty mature sense of self. It could also be something that puts him a diagnosible category. The kids I've known (not well) with medical issues do stand apart from peers maturity-wise--they sometimes have a kind of maturity from their difficulties and a bit of vulnerability and fragility that can cause unexpected behavior (like being upset at something because they view it so differently or maybe being overly protective of someone or something). 

 

He sounds like a very sweet child who has emerged from difficulties with his best qualities intact and maybe even polished to a shine. 

 

I agree with Lecka--seeking some answers doesn't at all mean you are dissatisfied with him.

[KSinNS]

Hugs, that is always gross. Especially when your comparison is to the little genius. We used to talk about kids "on the list." They made our kids look less brilliant than they were, and we hated them for it. The precocious, attentive, nontantrumming, verbal, sleeping through the night, early reading crowd. I just say, many of the list kids are a lot less perfect now, even with all the diagnoses and such we have as a family. Hang in there. I think every parent who's kid struggles feels like this from time to time.

[Kanin]

Hugs, that is difficult. It happens to me all the time - when I think something is going awesomely, I realize it would be awesome for a kindergartner, not a sixth grader. I just try to ignore it as much as possible, even though sometimes the comparison monster definitely intrudes  :grouphug:

[heartlikealion]

If it makes you feel better, I struggle with this on a regular basis and my son is older. He is 7 years old and lacks maturity in a lot of ways and also has difficulty with things I think a child his age should have mastered. It pains me sometimes when I read online about the chores parents assign their children younger than mine and I'm over here thinking, "your kid is doing that? Mine can't even put his jacket and shoes on correctly half the time!" Seriously, I labeled another pair of shoes recently. And today he had his fleece jacket on inside out. He fights me tooth and nail if I correct his pencil grip and reverts back to his incorrect grip. I tried to get him to use "the claw" writing tool today. He is so melodramatic! He told me it was like being kidnapped (lol). I'm still finishing reading The Explosive Child. I think that he is one.

 

It's hard not to think about the kids his age or younger writing with the pencil correctly and doing cursive (I'm not sure when to start with him). He has a cousin one grade level above (but not quite 2 years older. He's just older than most in his grade due to cut off dates) and I catch myself comparing them. He's in some gifted program and reads several grade levels up above his own. I didn't ask, family just told us. I did an informal test for ds and he reads well for his age, but he's constantly forgetting phonics rules and not wanting to sound things out correctly so I'm going to go over the basics again. Today he was doing a chapter in math on shapes and he seemed to have forgotten basics. I really don't know if it's a learning problem or what, but his retention is horrible on many things and yet he's great at others. By the time they are college age (really before that) I'm sure no one is going to know/care about this stuff. We might not even remember ourselves lol. But it is frustrating. I know.