Checklist for Independence

[Laurel-in-CA]

So we will be having an 18yo friend of my 19yo dd's living with us for the next 6 mos. The understanding is that she will find a job and take steps toward independence, because neither of her parents have been able or willing to help her in this. (Her mom is a leech and her dad is a flake, to put it succinctly, and she's been living in the boonies where it's hard to find work or transport.)

 

Suggestions for things to discuss? So far our plan includes

 

*Get her own copy of her SSN card and birth certificate - her mom refuses to give these up

*Get her state ID (requires SSN and b/c) and learner's permit for her license.

*Financial literacy - a saving/spending plan that will allow her to save for a car. (Our local credit union has some sessions for teens.) Learn to do her own taxes online, register for MediCal, etc.

*Job hunting....she will pay us a nominal rent once she finds work. She'll need to learn to ride the bus to work.

*Self-care -- recognizing anxiety, building a community in our area.

*Wise dating -- so she doesn't end up with a flake or a leech....or something worse.

*Registering @ CC so she can begin taking classes this coming semester....they can probably help her access grants or other educational supports.

 

What have I missed?

[retiredHSmom]

cooking skills, laundry skills

[JanetC]

Where is she going after the 6 months are up? If she has to be fully independent, that probably means a full-time job and that will make starting CC hard. Depending on cost of living in the area, if she needs a roommate, discussions about getting along, sharing chores, staying safe, etc. And, If you do not need the money, I would advise setting aside the rent you collect from her as savings towards establishing herself.

[DebbS]

If she is planning to go to community college, help her to to apply for financial aid using the FAFSA. Depending on your state and the college she is going to apply to, this may be due as early as March.

[mysticmomma]

Basic self defense. Not necessarily a class.

[Faithr]

Six months is not a long enough time to do all that and not have anxiety!  At least not among the 18 yo's I know.  Heck my 25 yo old daughter just spent a couple months trying to get a new SS card because of a goof the SS people made!  What kind of id do you need to register for the community college?  I forget.  How do you get employed if you don't have proper ID showing you are legal?  

 

But it would be good to have certain goals.  First off is find a job.  After that is firmly established then maybe a class or two at the community college.  So I would say just cope with finding and keeping job, learning sound finance, learning to be a good guest/renter.  That's a lot to do in just 6 months. 

[AngieW in Texas]

I agree that 6 months isn't long enough. You need to plan on a minimum of one year.

 

Does she at least know her social security number? Without knowing the number, everything else will be more difficult.

 

She's not going to be able to do much of anything until she has the SS card. 

She has to be able to show it in order to work legally unless she is just going to babysit.

She has to know the number in order to register for community college. There is an option to get an alternate number, but that is for people who do not have one. I don't think you can use it if you just don't know it.

 

My 22yo has a job that she is doing well at, but full-time work is hard to find when you are starting out and most of the jobs that she can do pay minimum wage. She is working at Kohl's and loves her job, but they only give her 20-25 hours/week (except during the Christmas season she was working 30-40 hours/week) and at $7.75/hour, that is just $620/month before taxes. That isn't nearly enough to pay rent on an apartment and also eat or even just make a car payment and pay car insurance and eat.

 

If she went to public school, she may possibly be able to get her social security number from them. They may have it in her cumulative file. But she wouldn't have any way to prove that she is the person she says she is, so they might not release it to her.

[JanetC]

I agree with Angie: the SS card and birth certificate may take the whole six months unless the father is willing to help you get them. You are not the parent, so you are not entitled to get copies. She is entitled to them but has no proof of identity.

[Alessandra]

Good grief, what a difficult situation with the ID cards! Once that is settled, I would say that some way of building a credit history, however modest, would be a plus.

 

Register to vote?

[Pen]

Can she get at least a photocopy of her SSecy card and birth certificate?

 

Or at least if she does not know her number, get a chance to see the number and write it down or memorize it?

 

If her mom is an extreme leech she may need to apply for her own new card and number that the mother does not have access to. When I was a foster parent, there was another foster parent I knew whose foster kids had been messed up by the bio-parents using the kids numbers on financial things (gas credit cards I think I recall for example) such that the kids were considered to be in debt and dead beats as little kids.

 

She may need to go into a government office and talk to counselors there to find out what can be done.

 

 

Edited December 27, 2015 by Pen

[Laurel-in-CA]

She does know her SSN and she has held down a couple of minimum wage jobs - clerk @ small grocery and waitress @ small restaurant. She's basically been keeping house for her mom, so I think many of those skills are in place. She was able to get a student # @ the CC and took the placement tests.

 

It looks like getting an SSN card is going to be the hardest. She needs ID - a passport or D/L - but the D/L requires SSN verification, as does the passport. Will have to look into this further.

 

[TechWife]

Once she is signed up for Medical encourage her to get a physical if she hasn't been to the doctor recently. Make sure her immunizations are up to date.

[AngieW in Texas]

Does she have a current school ID that has a picture? That may work as one piece of identity documentation.

https://www.socialsecurity.gov/ssnumber/ss5doc.htm

 

She may be able to order a copy of her birth certificate here:

https://www.vitalchek.com/birth-certificates/california/california-vital-statistics#

https://www.vitalchek.com/birth-certificates(for all states)

 

Here are the requirements to apply for an identification card in California:

https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/dmv/?1dmy&urile=wcm:path:/dmv_content_en/dmv/dl/dl_info#idrenew

It looks like she has to show her birth certificate for that.

 

 

[MarkT]

She does know her SSN and she has held down a couple of minimum wage jobs - clerk @ small grocery and waitress @ small restaurant. She's basically been keeping house for her mom, so I think many of those skills are in place. She was able to get a student # @ the CC and took the placement tests.

 

It looks like getting an SSN card is going to be the hardest. She needs ID - a passport or D/L - but the D/L requires SSN verification, as does the passport. Will have to look into this further.

The parents should request and provide their child with a duplicate birth certificate!   I don't think you really need a physical SSN card these days, with eVerify and such having the number should suffice.

[katilac]

I think it's great that you guys are willing to help her, but I'm another one who things 6 months is not enough time to get all of that accomplished and have the money to move into an apartment or room rental. 

 

Can she get her documents in order before leaving home? Her mom may not give them up, but will she let her copy them? If not, or if she's unsure and doesn't want to risk asking, it's worth looking for them and making a scan or copy, or even taking a picture with her phone. Having all that info will make life easier. 

 

Will the parents share tax information for FASFA, even if they won't bother filling it out? 

 

From your post, it sounds like the parents are just not that helpful, rather than actively blocking her efforts. If she only has 6 or so months of transitional housing and help, she really needs to get as much done as possible while still living at home. Because the birth certificate and SS number are known to exist, she CAN get copies, it's just a matter of bureaucracy and time. 

 

If she's going to be working, she might as well find a job before moving (I'm assuming she's in the same town, if she's a friend of your daughter). 

 

"This coming semester" is right around the corner, and the CC is going to need paperwork in order to help her with grants and such. She needs to know if she can start the process without everything, if she has to wait, etc. 

 

The critical piece of information is whether or not she will get financial aid. If she will not, then everyone needs to take a long, hard look at how realistic it is that she will be supporting herself in six months or even a year. 

[katilac]

The parents should request and provide their child with a duplicate birth certificate!   I don't think you really need a physical SSN card these days, with eVerify and such having the number should suffice.

 

My kids were told to bring their physical SSN card to get their permits. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Interviewing skills.

 

The basics of keeping a job--good grooming, promptness, working diligently, being polite and cheerful.

 

How to make financial decisions in a prioritized way--rent first, etc.  How to keep your credit strong and build it.

 

Finding and becoming a part of a good church community.

 

Frugality techniques.

[MarkT]

My kids were told to bring their physical SSN card to get their permits. 

Driving permit or work permit?

 

If Driving permit then that I believe is a "technical" violation of valid identity use of the SSN (not a lawyer).

 

I would just argue that it was lost.

[Laurel-in-CA]

I think it's great that you guys are willing to help her, but I'm another one who things 6 months is not enough time to get all of that accomplished and have the money to move into an apartment or room rental. 

 

Can she get her documents in order before leaving home? Her mom may not give them up, but will she let her copy them? If not, or if she's unsure and doesn't want to risk asking, it's worth looking for them and making a scan or copy, or even taking a picture with her phone. Having all that info will make life easier. 

 

Will the parents share tax information for FASFA, even if they won't bother filling it out? 

 

From your post, it sounds like the parents are just not that helpful, rather than actively blocking her efforts. If she only has 6 or so months of transitional housing and help, she really needs to get as much done as possible while still living at home. Because the birth certificate and SS number are known to exist, she CAN get copies, it's just a matter of bureaucracy and time. 

 

If she's going to be working, she might as well find a job before moving (I'm assuming she's in the same town, if she's a friend of your daughter). 

 

"This coming semester" is right around the corner, and the CC is going to need paperwork in order to help her with grants and such. She needs to know if she can start the process without everything, if she has to wait, etc. 

 

The critical piece of information is whether or not she will get financial aid. If she will not, then everyone needs to take a long, hard look at how realistic it is that she will be supporting herself in six months or even a year. 

 

Her custodial parent is really co-dependent and is actively blocking her daughter's independence. Her non-custodial parent is sort of willing but very flaky. She's going in to the CC this week for applications for financial aid, etc. Our county's CC is actually endowed and many incoming freshmen from within the county can get fees waived. That still leaves books and bus passes, but she may sign up for a single online class this next semester and then take it from there.

 

It appears that a CA d/l verifies SSN electronically. Yea! But she will NEED a birth cert. and a picture ID. We're hoping the school will issue her one...she already has a student ID # there and has taken placement tests.

 

This week we hit the SSN office and her dad is willing to apply for a b/c for her online. Progress.

[Laurel-in-CA]

If you were working on a general resume for entry level jobs....any jobs.....what would you put down as an objective or position sought? We're almost there with the resume, ready to job hunt. AND the dad came through with the birth cert. Progress!

[Pen]

I'd suggest you google entry level resume samples for ideas of how to do it.  

 

With a computer it is not so hard to do a new version of a resume to fit an individual job that she might be trying to get, or at least a type of job. 

 

For all, of them, something to the effect that she is looking to bring her skills and talents whatever they may be to the job and to gain experience might be suitable.

[Pen]

Also, you need not have an objective on the resume. You could just have what her experience is on the resume, and have the "objective" be expressed in a cover letter.

 

ETA: Hurrah for the birth certificate!

Edited December 30, 2015 by Pen

[Bootsie]

In a case like this, I would not necessarily push CC, unless there is something that she is really wanting to do and must pursue a college degree to do so.  It sounds like right now she needs to focus on how to support herself.  Realistically, taking one course at the CC next semester will not significantly change the speed at which she can get a college degree.  If she does not have an idea of what she wants to do and is distracted by other things in her life, she might not be able to focus on the course and do well; this might actual impede her options going further.  Also, I would suggest that she be careful getting into any loan situation at the community college; this can sound like it isn't costing her anything now, but then if she does need to focus on working next semester she will be stuck with having to continue in school so that she doesn't have to start paying back loans.

 

I would try to get her to look for a job somewhere that she will be able to take public transportation if your community is set up where that is possible.  Also, the benefits package can be important in a situation like this.  Is there a local employer who will pay for her to go to college?  Can she get a job at a local college where she can take classes for free during her lunch hour?  

[JanetC]

If you were working on a general resume for entry level jobs....any jobs.....what would you put down as an objective or position sought? We're almost there with the resume, ready to job hunt. AND the dad came through with the birth cert. Progress!

Skip the objective. You might use an executive summary instead:

 

High school graduate with coursework in XYZ and customer service experience seeking full?part?time position (in field?).

 

Or, you can even skip that.

 

+1 with jdahlquist on the CC. If all she can do is an online class, be aware that online classes can vary widely in quality and are the most frequently failed classes at many institutions. She's got a lot going on. It could get very easy to fall behind on a class that doesn't meet physically and not be able to catch up.

[Bootsie]

I would not put an objective on an entry level resume (I personally don't like them on any resume).  They are usually general and meaningless, taking space away from the important part of the resume.  I think it is much better to tailor that to a specific job opportunity in a cover letter.

[Laurel-in-CA]

Thanks for the resume ideas. I am quite happy about what we got done the last day of 2015 -- social security card, updated medi-care card, and state ID all on order. The longest wait is for the ID, 2 weeks. So, she is now ready to job hunt!!

 

We also had to make a last-minute trip with her back to her house as her mother was threatening to throw out all of her possessions. Sigh. DH went with us in case of confrontation but was not needed. There was just a lot of whining and recrimination. All of us are glad to have that chapter closed; though I am sure the young lady is going to be processing this stuff for awhile, there is no need for further contact.

 

On to 2016!

[...................]

If you push her along/out that fast, she will end up with a bunch of roommates or with some guy...you can't build a healthy independent self sustaining life at 18.5 with no education and 6 months of training.

 

However, if your plan is for her to stay with you, learn responsibility and just take one or two classes, and then get her into a full time four year university with a dorm situation, I could see that possibly panning out.  

 

She could also look into work-study options, there are things at places like Disney World, cruise ships, and other service type venues, that offer interesting pay-and-work situations for nice kids from underprivileged situations who are willing to work and learn.

 

And, there's always the military. Both of my siblings had similar situations to what you are describing and made a life for themselves through the military.

[Laurel-in-CA]

If you push her along/out that fast, she will end up with a bunch of roommates or with some guy...you can't build a healthy independent self sustaining life at 18.5 with no education and 6 months of training.

 

However, if your plan is for her to stay with you, learn responsibility and just take one or two classes, and then get her into a full time four year university with a dorm situation, I could see that possibly panning out.  

 

She could also look into work-study options, there are things at places like Disney World, cruise ships, and other service type venues, that offer interesting pay-and-work situations for nice kids from underprivileged situations who are willing to work and learn.

 

And, there's always the military. Both of my siblings had similar situations to what you are describing and made a life for themselves through the military.

 

She's considered the Coast Guard, but she needs to build her scholastic skills before taking the ASVAB, at least that's what the preliminary practice test says.

 

We are hoping that in 6 mo. she'll be able to rent a room from another family in our church (several already know her as my dd's friend). She's very willing to work and will have a good rec. from her last job as a waitress. Next week she'll be seeing a counselor @ CC to discuss financial aid possibilities and then we'll see. Any credits on her resume, with decent grades, should be a plus if she does go into the military, and that would be a great way for her to get all the way AWAY from her mom and build a new pathway. I have a friend whose military career took him from south Philly to Silicon Valley, so I know what a good (challenging) pathway it can be.

[MarkT]

By the way - may God Bless you for doing the right thing for this young adult. Happy New Year.

[Chess Dad]

The military is a great option, if shes at all interested.  You can take the ASVAB and find out where she needs to improve.  

 

My brother took on a similar challenge that you are taking on.  I commend you for stepping out of your comfort zone to help her.  It worked out good for my brother and the 20 year old he helped is now full-time Army and doing great.  It has been two years now and he's 22 years old, married, and plans to make the military his career.  I pray you have similar success!

 

Note:  He failed the ASVAB several times.  Don't give up!  She can do it.

:patriot:

[...................]

She's considered the Coast Guard, but she needs to build her scholastic skills before taking the ASVAB, at least that's what the preliminary practice test says.

 

We are hoping that in 6 mo. she'll be able to rent a room from another family in our church (several already know her as my dd's friend). She's very willing to work and will have a good rec. from her last job as a waitress. Next week she'll be seeing a counselor @ CC to discuss financial aid possibilities and then we'll see. Any credits on her resume, with decent grades, should be a plus if she does go into the military, and that would be a great way for her to get all the way AWAY from her mom and build a new pathway. I have a friend whose military career took him from south Philly to Silicon Valley, so I know what a good (challenging) pathway it can be.

I would have her take the ASVAB.  ...there are all kinds of amazing jobs even for kids with no real education. Assuming she can take it twice, I would have her go and take it sooner rather than later and see how she does....then she can study and take it again to shore up any areas that are super super weak.  But, she might find that even if she scores extremely low there are still great jobs offered to her with training.  It's really useful how they track people based on their true potential.

 

(AFAIK, credits don't really help going into the military.  Either you have your bachelor's and can go in as an officer, or you don't....but the recruiter will have all this info.)  

 

You are a good person.  Thank God she has a friend in this world.  ((hugs))

 

Also, Coast Guard Basic Training is in my home town in NJ....consider that the weather is pretty good in May and JUne. :o)  July and AUgust are hotter and a little humid.  

Edited January 3, 2016 by Calming Tea

[Pen]

I'd also check Job Corps, AmeriCorps, and such...

 

Job Corps could help combine job and education experience without needing anything more than she has right now. That might then lead into the Coast Guard. And Job Corps are so far as I know always residential programs, so that could be a goal for where to go next after her 6 months with you perhaps if she were not ready for one of the other options.

[...................]

Due to some crazy family circumstances my sister went to JobCorps. It's the only time of her life she won't talk about. There were horrible kids from terrible backgrounds a zillion times worse than ours, or, this girls....it's like a jail because they keep it high security since they are responsible for these young people. It's not really on The job training like the military. ....young people hate it there and the atmosphere is not positive. Do not sign this girl up for JobCorps 😱😱😢😢😢☹

[Laurel-in-CA]

Due to some crazy family circumstances my sister went to JobCorps. It's the only time of her life she won't talk about. There were horrible kids from terrible backgrounds a zillion times worse than ours, or, this girls....it's like a jail because they keep it high security since they are responsible for these young people. It's not really on The job training like the military. ....young people hate it there and the atmosphere is not positive. Do not sign this girl up for JobCorps 😱😱😢😢😢☹

 

Thanks for the feedback. JobCorps will do driver training....that's the only thing I feel I cannot do as she can only drive w/permit under somebody's insurance and I don't think our insurance will cover anybody not a family member.

 

BUT she got a job this week, waitressing at a place that's biking distance from the house. She starts in a week, so hopefully by February can be paying us for food and then setting aside money in an independence fund. Her test results came back from the CC, telling her what she knew, that she really, really needs to up her math skills. Khan academy here she comes. She'll continue studying for the ASVAB and see about taking it in June....which is when she needs to have a solid plan for the next step. Hopefully she can get her math skills up there with some intensive study.

[mysticmomma]

Update?