Help me feel better about turning this job down :(

[PeachyDoodle]

My former employer has contacted me about returning to work. They know the we home school and have bent over backwards to accommodate that. The job would only be 10 hours/week, with one day (6 hours or so) in the office and an additional 4 hours from home. There is a 45-minute commute on top of that, but only one day per week. They are offering a salary that I wouldn't be able to find anywhere for the number of hours I would work. For most people, it would be a dream come true.

 

But I really, really, really don't want the job.

 

This place stresses me out to no end. I can't even say exactly why. I get along great with my immediate supervisor, but her boss (who I would interact with frequently) and I do not see eye to eye on practically anything. But more than that, I am not the type of person who multitasks well. School and home and church responsibilities keep me plenty busy. I tend to be intense about the particular things I focus on and really stress about not doing anything as well as I should when I am stretched too thin. I have finally lost a substantial amount of weight after battling food my whole life, and the stress will lead me back down that path. I've already gained just worrying about the decision.

 

We do not *need* the income right now. We just purchased a tract of land and hope to build a house in the next 12-18 months. This cash would go a long way towards helping us do that. We will still be able to do it either way; this job just might make things go faster.

 

DH thinks it will be best for everyone if I say no. But I know that deep down part of him wishes I could take the job without melting down so we could have the money. I wish that too. :(

 

I know that if I add anything else to my plate, I will be on overload... and I am not a pleasant person when that happens. That is an understatement, actually. Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces the feeling that I am a total wimp and loser for not being able to make this happen. Please help me feel better about this decision. I really do think it's the right one.

[Farrar]

The sooner you do it, the better you'll feel. If you feel you can do it by email, send it now. Say what you said here - you recognize how accommodating they are, you love the people there, you're so grateful for the opportunity, but your health and responsibilities are too demanding right now, you hope you're not closing the door to future opportunities, you wish them all well, but you need to turn them down at this time.

 

You clearly know what's right for you. Just do it.

[Tsuga]

Work to live, don't live to work. You've made the right decision.

 

 

1. I really, really, really don't want the job.

 

2. This place stresses me out to no end.

 

3. [My immediate supervisor's] boss (who I would interact with frequently) and I do not see eye to eye on practically anything.

 

4. I am not the type of person who multitasks well.

 

5. I have finally lost a substantial amount of weight after battling food my whole life, and the stress will lead me back down that path. I've already gained just worrying about the decision.

 

6. We do not *need* the income right now... We will still be able to [achieve our dreams] either way.

 

7. I know that if I add anything else to my plate, I will be on overload... and I am not a pleasant person when that happens.

 

In other words, you have worked hard your whole life to get to this point where you don't need to work and can give back to your community, and you want to enjoy that and be a better person?

 

Sounds like you're on the right path.

 

There are a bazillion jobs that I could get paid more for, but I choose a job that allows me to balance.

 

Life isn't made of money. It's made of moments. Enjoy them. You have earned it. *

 

 

 

* My answer would be totally different if you hadn't worked in the past and had debt, of course--but you don't. Enjoy that! You deserve to! If you can't enjoy it then what was the point of working in the first place? You could always have more.

[Karen A]

Actually, I thought reading over your note that it reinforces that you should NOT take the job!  

 

Overload is not good for anybody--you, your family, or your workplace.  Count it a compliment that your employer wants you back, but do what's best for you!

 

Hugs

[Garga]

You wrote:

 

That is an understatement, actually. Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces the feeling that I am a total wimp and loser for not being able to make this happen. Please help me feel better about this decision. I really do think it's the right one.

 

End quote.

 

When you wrote, "Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces..." I thought you were going to continue with, "...the fact that going back would be a terrible decision for me."

 

I'm surprised you feel like a wimp and loser for not teaching full time, volunteering hours of your time to the church, running a household, and holding down a part time job that you don't even want to do. Well, if you're a wimp and loser for not wanting to do that, then you and I are wimps and losers together.

 

I have just spent the past 3 months clearing off every single solitary committment other than homeschooling. It took 3 months of saying NO to everything to have all my committments finally peter out. And I'm more at peace than I've been in 13 years.

 

I say, opt for peace. Forget the money. Forget the sense of obligation.

 

We raise our kids and sacrifice so much so that they have a happy glowing future. Don't you think that your mother wants that for you? Are you raising your kids to be over-stretched and miserable when they're adults? Then why should you be over-stretched and miserable as an adult?

 

I've learned to start living the life I hope for my own kids and not living a life of drudgery.

 

As a PP said, if you were in debt or something and needed the money, that would be different. But if it's just extra fun money NO WAY. Live your life. Don't slog through your life.

[Carol in Cal.]

I support you in not taking this job.

 

And I would support you in taking it but with a firm (private) decision that it was just for a set amount of time, like 6 months.  Sometimes knowing you can quit and having a target date to do so makes everything easier.

 

I will say, I was so different at work than at home that I found it extraordinarily difficult to do both, psychically. 

 

At home I was peaceful, patient, smiley, comfortable with toddler time warp (that deep, slow, profoundly inefficient focus that toddlers and preschoolers have, an example of which is them wanting to wear their slippers around the house, and taking about 5 minutes to put them on, then walking across the floor to their bed and taking them off again almost immediately.)

 

At work I was fast, serious, efficient, warm but always in a rush, focused on my view of my professional responsibilities and how best to get them done, strategic, and with an aversion to wasting of time.

 

The contrast was so complete that flexing between the two drove me just about crazy.  It basically amounted to a personality transplant twice each day.  I am very, very grateful that I didn't have to do both for very long when DD was very young.  Instead of working part time the whole time, which I certainly could have done, I went back to work fulltime when she was 2 1/2, worked hard and intensely to fulfill some crucial financial goals, and then quit altogether.  I am so glad that I could do that.

[Tsuga]

By the way, there is nothing "weak" at all about being single-mindedly dedicated to a particular job. Our society's expectations of women, to volunteer, work, and manage the home, are insane. You are NOT the only one to focus on home and volunteering. Very few women who don't absolutely have to, and almost no men, to be honest, do all three (work, home, volunteer) regularly.

 

Enjoy what you have earned. You deserve this. Really. I've read many of your posts. You put everything in and you deserve your health.

[PeachyDoodle]

Aww, you guys are the best! Thank you so much. :001_wub:

 

DH says I am way too hard on myself. I am a serious perfectionist and when I commit to something it can take on extreme intensity. Even if this job is only 10 hours/week, I know it will take up so much more space than that in my head. I wish I was not that way and I could turn it on and off, but I know from experience that I can't. Ironically, I can waste so much time and energy obsessing over how I should be able to let something go...

 

Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I will burn some bridges when I turn this down. At least in the sense of there being any future employment there. Which is a shame, given how open they have been to working the position exactly to my schedule. But after agonizing over it for weeks, I had such a huge sense of relief when I finally told my boss that I don't see it working out. She has asked me to reconsider, but I think I have to stand firm.

 

You wrote:

That is an understatement, actually. Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces the feeling that I am a total wimp and loser for not being able to make this happen. Please help me feel better about this decision. I really do think it's the right one.

End quote.

When you wrote, "Although seeing it typed out above just reinforces..." I thought you were going to continue with, "...the fact that going back would be a terrible decision for me."

I'm surprised you feel like a wimp and loser for not teaching full time, volunteering hours of your time to the church, running a household, and holding down a part time job that you don't even want to do. Well, if you're a wimp and loser for not wanting to do that, then you and I are wimps and losers together.

I have just spent the past 3 months clearing off every single solitary committment other than homeschooling. It took 3 months of saying NO to everything to have all my committments finally peter out. And I'm more at peace than I've been in 13 years.

I say, opt for peace. Forget the money. Forget the sense of obligation.

We raise our kids and sacrifice so much so that they have a happy glowing future. Don't you think that your mother wants that for you? Are you raising your kids to be over-stretched and miserable when they're adults? Then why should you be over-stretched and miserable as an adult?

I've learned to start living the life I hope for my own kids and not living a life of drudgery.

As a PP said, if you were in debt or something and needed the money, that would be different. But if it's just extra fun money NO WAY. Live your life. Don't slog through your life.

 

You know, part of what is bothering me is that I feel like my mother is one who thinks I need to suck it up. She hasn't said so outright (she wouldn't), but I get that sense. Of course, she also seemed to think home schooling was a bad idea when we first considered it (she thought it would be too isolating for me), and it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have never loved anything half so much as I love being at home and teaching my kids, and they love it too. So perhaps it's okay to make the best decision FOR ME, even if it's not what she thinks is best. She would never berate my decision or anything like that, but I hate the feeling that I've disappointed her.

 

But what you say here about your own experience makes me feel so much better. Am I really not the only woman who wants to crawl under the covers and cry just thinking about trying to juggle it all? (And, okay, sometimes actually does crawl under the covers and cry just thinking about it?) Because so many moms seem to make it work. If it's not just something that's wrong with me, then I can embrace it. Bring on the peace!!

[PeachyDoodle]

By the way, there is nothing "weak" at all about being single-mindedly dedicated to a particular job. Our society's expectations of women, to volunteer, work, and manage the home, are insane. You are NOT the only one to focus on home and volunteering. Very few women who don't absolutely have to, and almost no men, to be honest, do all three (work, home, volunteer) regularly.

 

Enjoy what you have earned. You deserve this. Really. I've read many of your posts. You put everything in and you deserve your health.

 

You are very kind to say this. I am unbelievably touched.

 

You all have been so kind. Thank you.

 

[TammyS]

I think you probably shouldn't take the job, either.  But if you are agonizing about it, then I would say your problem is that you need to KNOW whether you can handle this job or not.  And the way to figure that out is a time AND energy budget.  You look at a calendar for a given week, in hour blocks and you figure out which blocks you are going to dedicate to what tasks (don't forget to include commutes, getting ready, etc).  After you've done this, you look at each day's set of tasks and ask yourself if you have told the truth that you will have the energy for each of those tasks on that day, and in the order that you have allocated them (for ex., I run 4 days per week, but I know that I have to do it in the morning, because in the afternoon I just will be too tired, if I told myself that I could work until 4pm and then go run, that would be untrue).  If not, rearrange until you have the truth.  You will either find a way that you can make this job work, or you will find the truth that you just won't be able to.  Whichever it is, you will KNOW rather than "think/feel".

[elegantlion]

There is a great maturity in recognizing your physical and mental limits. One ten hour job does not just entail ten hours of work. I would turn it down with the preface "at this time, ..." trying to keep the opportunity available when/if you get to the point you'd be ready to work again. 

[madteaparty]

I understand this scenario well because in March I resigned from the perfect-on-paper, unicorn, part-time schedule of my own choosing, attorney job. I still have some unresolved feelings about it, mainly because it is the sort of job I will want in around 5 years, and it won't be available to me then. Basically it is never a part time job as it is all-the-time in my head, and secondly I am not going to decide my present based on ambiguous fears about the future. That helps me, most days ;) We are brave, we can choose differently, right?

[Lady Florida.]

If you don't need* ** the income, there is no reason to feel bad about turning down the job. You don't owe this employer anything just because you once worked there.

 

*Having extra income that's helpful is not the same as truly needing it.

 

**Even if you did need a second income, you shouldn't accept what you already know is a stressful job unless it's literally the only job available and your family will be in dire straits if you don't accept it.

[StephanieZ]

Could you try it out for 3-6 moths and see how it goes?

 

Could you direct some of the income to pay for 5-10/hrs cleaning help a week to save you some time? If you don't already utilize things like cleaning help, then the extra income could actually buy you more time than you invest in the job . . .