DD Anxiety / School and Terrorist Attacks

[goldberry]

DD is becoming more aware of current events.  After the school shooting at the Oregon community college, she had a lot of anxiety.  Then, there was a bomb threat at HER community college.  They didn't evacuate (weird story) but instead continued classes and told students to "look out for this guy".  ??  She expressed a lot of anxiety, and said she felt like she could just be blown up any minute.

 

Last night we watched the news about Paris.  She got very agitated and went in her room.  I went to talk to her, about how it was horrible these things happen, but the odds of something happening to HER were still very slim, and she said, "No they're not!"  She was afraid and was too agitated to talk about it, so I let it go for the time.

 

What is the best way to help her deal with these type of situations?  Personally I am very logical minded, so I always just think about the odds and it makes me feel better.  She is not logical minded, but very emotionally driven.

 

Thanks for any advice!

[Katy]

I don't remember if you've ever posted about religion.  The way we deal with this sort of thing works if you are a religious family.  It goes something like this:

 

You're right.  Evil exists in the world.  You could be a victim of violence or terrorism.  You could also get in a car accident tomorrow and die, or be paralyzed.  Or you could get sick.   Your whole world can change in a single moment, and someday it will. But God's not done with you yet.  You are here for a reason. You can be in a situation where it's clear you are going to die and survive. That guy that got the medal of honor last week threw himself on a grenade at war and he survived, but someone else in the room died. Grandpa was in several situations in war where he should have died but didn't.  And fluke accidents have taken (other family member's in situations I don't want to put on the internet). We don't always understand why things happen the way things happen.  But I do believe everything has a purpose, and God works all things for the good of those who love Him and obey His commands. You can't choose how you die, but you can choose how you live, and what you're going to live for.  I believe we are here to spread the gospel and further God's kingdom....

 

And at that point I'd see how kid reacts.

[Aiden]

Is she generally anxious? Maybe a few sessions with a therapist could help her learn to manage her anxieties. It sounds like they're pretty close to affecting her daily life, which is often the point at which intervention is suggested.

 

From your signature, it sounds like she may make a big deal out of everything, though, not just the things that really are bothering her. Can you tell if she's truly anxious about this or if she's presenting it in a dramatic way even though it's only a minor concern for her?

 

Edited to say that in re-reading, I see that the last sentence above could be interpreted as snark. I genuinely don't mean it that way, but as a real question. I've known overly dramatic people whom I would have sworn were in emotional torment about something, only to have them say later, "Oh that? That wasn't that big of a deal."

[TranquilMind]

DD is becoming more aware of current events.  After the school shooting at the Oregon community college, she had a lot of anxiety.  Then, there was a bomb threat at HER community college.  They didn't evacuate (weird story) but instead continued classes and told students to "look out for this guy".  ??  She expressed a lot of anxiety, and said she felt like she could just be blown up any minute.

 

Last night we watched the news about Paris.  She got very agitated and went in her room.  I went to talk to her, about how it was horrible these things happen, but the odds of something happening to HER were still very slim, and she said, "No they're not!"  She was afraid and was too agitated to talk about it, so I let it go for the time.

 

What is the best way to help her deal with these type of situations?  Personally I am very logical minded, so I always just think about the odds and it makes me feel better.  She is not logical minded, but very emotionally driven.

 

Thanks for any advice!

We deal with those kind of things with logic and with faith.  Either way, it is going to be ok, and we are not surrendering to fear. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think part of how to deal with this is with factual information.

 

For instance, shortly after 9/11 happened a man who killed a police officer at an early morning routine traffic stop was being searched for by armed police, visibly carrying machine guns on a hillside as we went by on our way to church.  Unbeknownst to me, DD associated the two and thought for several weeks that those men were trying to catch some of the 9/11 conspirators, which she then logically concluded were only about 10 miles from our home.  (She was only 4 at the time).  Once I figured this out I was able to tell her that 9/11 events, while horrible, were 3000 miles away from our home, and that we were safe from them.

 

It's true that anything can happen, but some things are much less likely than others.  Your daughter needs to see that realistically so she can deal with reality instead of false fears.

[Carol in Cal.]

dp

[goldberry]

I'm gathering some info this morning about odds, etc.  Also, regarding her drama-ness....sometimes she does over dramatize something.. but I've observed with certain things like this that if I don't address it and blow it off, it can BECOME more deeply embedded and then become a very real problem for her.   I could see this falling into that category.

[Pawz4me]

You might want to read up on catastrophic thinking.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

It may sound trite, but look up what Mr. Rogers had to say about dealing with horrible events. In short he says his mother told him to focus his thoughts on the "helpers" - those who when bad things step forward to help others. It may help her to see that in all the bad there is still good in the world that can over come it.

[zoobie]

Anxiety can't be rationalized or reasoned away. If she is religious, suffering from anxiety doesn't mean she lacks faith or isn't praying hard enough.

 

This workbook is well-reviewed and often recommend to help people work through anxiety: http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1626252157/

Counseling can be helpful for anxiety, particularly with someone who specializes in it. CBT therapy for example.

[wintermom]

I think that growing awareness is a good thing, and now you can pair it up with some knowledge on what to do in difficult situations. Self-defence and martial arts classes are good for this, as well as first-aid and CPR classes, and perhaps water safety classes if your family is in and around water.  Having concrete ideas on what to do to prevent potentially dangerous situations, and how to react in emergency situations helps bring a sense of confidence and calmness.

 

There is a certain level of anxiety in situations that are beyond our control, and this is probably true for most people, however that heightened sense of alertness can be channelled toward more positive and useful things. The "fight or flight" feeling is a built-in reflex that has a purpose. Learning how to recognize that feeling and what's causing it, then assess whether there is an actual and immediate risk is really important. If there is an immediate risk, identify what to do. If there is no risk, learn how to relax and let the tension go. 

[Guest]

I'm gathering some info this morning about odds, etc.  Also, regarding her drama-ness....sometimes she does over dramatize something.. but I've observed with certain things like this that if I don't address it and blow it off, it can BECOME more deeply embedded and then become a very real problem for her.   I could see this falling into that category.

 

Am I correct in thinking she is an adult, because she is in community college? If she's younger than 17 or so please disregard this.

 

You are not responsible for how she feels about this. Please "hear" this in the gentle way I aim to say it. If she is relying on you to mitigate her emotions (subconsciously, I'm sure) , she needs to learn how to stop.

 

To that ends, I would point out to her that her thinking seems wrong somehow....and I'd BE vague about it. I's ask her things like "How do you think other people who are afraid are dealing with it?" "What do you think people in Paris are feeling right now?" .........to get her "out of herself" long enough to think about how she is not in immediate danger. Then I would ask her why she thinks she is having the reactions to these events she's having. What she thinks she might ought to do to better handle these emotions.

 

In short, I would want her to be recognizing these thought patterns as not-the-best sooner than later. It's not something that happens overnight, obviously. She can't deal with them until she owns them.

 

(((OP))) she's lucky to have you help her navigate anxiety.

[Word Nerd]

I would try to acknowledge her feelings of fear (I don't mean validate them) but continue sharing factual information that challenges her exaggerated estimation of the odds something like this will happen to her.

 

I was very upset last night and overwhelmed with sadness and fear, not because I'm afraid something will happen to me but because of the genuine threat of escalating violence all over the world and retaliation. That may be at least part of her reaction as well, and it's likely weighing heavily on the hearts of many people.

[goldberry]

Am I correct in thinking she is an adult, because she is in community college? If she's younger than 17 or so please disregard this.

 

 

She is 16, almost 17.  She is taking 2 community college classes this year.

 

I was very upset last night and overwhelmed with sadness and fear, not because I'm afraid something will happen to me but because of the genuine threat of escalating violence all over the world and retaliation. That may be at least part of her reaction as well, and it's likely weighing heavily on the hearts of many people.

Amen to this.

[FloridaLisa]

I think it might be harder for young people to put these events into perspective. The targeting in everyday areas (schools, restaurants, movie theaters, sports events) could definitely cause anxiety over going out and carrying on with normal life. That is precisely what terror activity is meant to do. It's meant to paralyze and send a message of fear and power to a people group. So perhaps talking it out when she's in a safe, comfortable place might help. 

 

I found myself having to intentionally push against the fear last night. With all the news lighting up my feed, I took my kids to the movies. I wondered in the back of my mind whether the theater would be safe. I checked for emergency exits after we got seated. I never do that! But this terrorist activity had stirred up fear. And that fear will be greater or lesser to different folks depending on how close they are to the threat or other fears/concerns that it plays on.

 

I guess deep down this stirs up fear of death. Is she scared of dying? Faith has helped our family tremendously. After my dh died, we had many, many conversations about death, heaven and dying *young.*  Even my 6-yo had fears of dying young. You know what? I can't promise him 80 years. I can't even promise him tomorrow. And that's a sobering thought, but it can be healthy. Because it puts in perspective what matters and what doesn't. It helps me care less about a driver that cut me off or the cashier who's taking too long. It helps us be grateful for the beauty and love and joy that we do have -- and to purposely cultivate it -- because it is precious. 

 

Evil and suffering can stir up fear but it can also stir up compassion. I find that's a healthier way for me to process it. Yes it feels good to live in my bubble of a safe neighborhood and full pantry and healthy children and a day at Disney for a pick-me-up. But there is suffering all around us and it's not just in Paris. That's a lot to process as well because the amount of suffering can be overwhelming. But it should help us to be more compassionate to every single person around us. Because that driver that cut me off and that cashier who's taking too long? I have no idea what pain they may be carrying. 

 

I hope you're able to find a bridge and opening to have some healthy conversations with her. If there is clinical anxiety, then there is more to it than just talking it out. But I can remember as a young person having some *irrational* fear that I wouldn't have now that I'm older and have lived more of life. 

 

 

[goldberry]

It may sound trite, but look up what Mr. Rogers had to say about dealing with horrible events. In short he says his mother told him to focus his thoughts on the "helpers" - those who when bad things step forward to help others. It may help her to see that in all the bad there is still good in the world that can over come it.

 

What an awesome way to look at it.

[Pawz4me]

Based on your post (#7) I'm not so sure that focusing on immediate current events is going to be all that helpful.  I would consider if she's had subtle but long standing symptoms of anxiety, and her age combined with recent events are making the anxiety more noticeable.  The teenage years are prime time for anxiety disorders to become evident.  I'm not the kind to jump to say see your (her) doctor/see a counselor, but I think maybe you should consider it.  Logic and rationalizing things just don't work for anxiety.  Nor can it be prayed away. I say that as someone who has dealt with anxiety in the past, and who has a son the same age as your DD who is currently dealing with it.

[PinkTulip]

Gavin de Becker, author of the books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift, wrote an excellent book titled Fear Less: Real Truth About Risk, Safety, and Security in a Time of Terrorism. Reading that really helped me with similar feelings.

 

Also, I never watch TV news, but still subscribe to the newspaper instead. That way, I can read the headline, choose if I want to know more about what happened in depth or not, and not have visual images replaying over and over in my mind.

[sbgrace]

If you can financially,  I would want to see a cognitive behavioral therapist to help her make new thinking patterns to reduce her anxiety.  This would likely help with this specific situation now, but would also give her better coping skills to deal with her anxiety in general--a lifelong gift.