What, if anything, did you do to teach your adolescent\young adult about healthy relationships?

[Catherine]

That says it all, I guess.  I have muddled along for a few years now and I still think I need to be doing more in this area.  I guess I see my kids sometime in situations where they are assuming a caretaking role or are the "counselor".  All of them seem to have a propensity to be attracted to kids who are needy and even sometimes manipulative.  

 

Perhaps so many kids  in this age group fit those descriptions that I am overreacting.  

 

What says the hive?  How have you handled this?  

[Gil]

So far the only thing that I've been able to teach them is that NONE of the adults that they know--even me--were or are in healthy relationships and that they shouldn't do the things that they see the adults around them doing.

 

I figure if I can lead by example then I can also deter by example, no?

[abba12]

We talk a lot about relationships. They're only young now but I intend to continue. I am not one of those parents that doesn't talk about their own failings to their kids. I share my experiences with them to help teach and relate. They know and will know that boundaries are important and a few good friends are more important than a lot of acquaintances and friendship should be give and take and all that other stuff.

 

Having said that, the reason I am alive today is due to the kind hearted people who are drawn to 'needy' kids, and to people with issues. My best friend has something of a knight-in-shining-armour complex, but in the best way possible. I owe him so much. So while manipulative friendships can be bad and children need to learn boundaries, I've been both the needy child and the 'counselor' and sometimes those friendships are instrumental in peoples lives. We're all imperfect, and imperfect does not always mean unhealthy. But they need to learn to tell the difference. There's a difference between a friend who is really struggling with life, and a drama queen looking for attention. 

 

Also, I think in this age group the kids drawn to needy kids, and the kids who ARE needy, are much higher than in the adult population and these friendships are fairly common. 

[Chris in VA]

Dealing with this now. We teach compassion, but (our religious belief--ymmv) that there's only one Saviour, and "you ain't it." It's hard.

[Sneezyone]

My DD is no knight-in-shining armor but she is a very empathic kiddo. This is a child who would cry at seeing another child step on a caterpillar after toying with it. She used to be around a lot of girls with more 'forward-thinking' (for lack of a better term) attitudes toward both girl-girl and girl-boy relationships (physical and verbal aggression, pursuit behaviors/attraction, exclusion, etc). With her, I focused on speaking up rather than just offering a sympathetic glance or hug. It made her feel better to be part of the solution without having to be a 'tattler'.

 

When she shared the things she saw and heard, I'd ask her how she felt, how she thought the other parties felt, which behaviors she saw as more/less right and why, and helped her articulate WHY those behavior felt so off/wrong. Then we'd talk about ways to address the situation. We also talked about why pursuit behaviors at their age were inappropriate and may invite drama that neither she nor her peers are ready to handle. Eventually, she would come to me and say, "Mom, S was mean to Y again today, you know, nice-nasty. I told S that no one would want to play with her if she kept doing that and then went to play with Y and, you know what? Eventually some of the other girls came over too!"

 

We haven't had to deal with any abuse/neglect issues in another child/family or even angsty boy-girl dating stuff (for which I'm eternally grateful). When the time comes though, I can see taking the same approach. Her dad and I have a strong relationship and will use that, and those of other couples we know, as exemplars.

[MBM]

That says it all, I guess.  I have muddled along for a few years now and I still think I need to be doing more in this area.  I guess I see my kids sometime in situations where they are assuming a caretaking role or are the "counselor".  All of them seem to have a propensity to be attracted to kids who are needy and even sometimes manipulative.

 

Perhaps so many kids  in this age group fit those descriptions that I am overreacting.  

 

What says the hive?  How have you handled this?  

 

There is a difference between caretaking and caregiving (according to my former therapist). Caretakers are often codependent. They have problems with boundaries and self worth and give too much of themselves to get something in return -- acceptance, appreciation, love, etc. That is why they tend to attract needy, manipulative, controlling people. The key is to identify why a person is caretaking and to learn how to assert oneself so that healthy boundaries can be maintained. (There are a number of different kinds of unhealthy boundaries, btw.)

 

Many, many people are codependent and don't realize it. My husband and I both grew up with family dynamics that led to both of us becoming codependent. It took a few years of therapy, reading a lot and introspection to make changes and we are still works in progress. I am so glad we did the work, though, because we've learned much healthier ways to engage with others.

 

Anyway, if you are wondering if codependency might be an issue, one of the most helpful books I've read was Codependency for Dummies. 

[kewb]

We talk about relationships all the time. I have always told my kids you want to be with someone who helps you be the best you that you can be. Someone who understands when that when a family affair comes up plans may have to change. Someone who understands that you have a test to study for and you will see them after the test. Someone who supports your dreams.

My ds learned some hard lessons this year with his first serious girlfriend. She did not make him the best he could be. She brought out all his worst qualities and magnified them. He blew off school work to have fun. He was generally a pia to be around. Bad decision after bad decision. It was painful to watch and love through. But part of growing up is learning some of these lessons.

In addition to our original discussions,We now have conversations about how if your sibling can not stand the person you are dating you might want to take a step back and examine the reasons. That people who care about you don't try to drive a wedge between you and your family. People who are secure in themselves don't try to make you choose between them and family/friends.

We also talk a lot about character. Signs of good character vs. a poser.

[Kari C in SC]

I'm a realist. I talk to my kids pretty much without a filter. I've been with my husband since I was 14 years old. In some ways, we have great relationship qualities, in others... Not so much. I have friends going through divorce. I have zero problem talking to my kids about what the heck went wrong there. I find that so many ultra conservative people around me just won't say what they are thinking because they are talking to their "children". Our job is to raise them up to be decent and functioning adults. Obviously, I wouldn't tell a 5 year old that my best friends soon to ex husband is a narcissistic loser that should be dropped off the end of a cliff, but I most definitely tell my soon to be 17 year old daughter that and I give her all sorts of the examples of why. So, I guess in essence I just plain talk to them.

[G5052]

Yes, we just plain talk, especially now that they are teens.

 

I come from a dysfunctional family. My mother was a violent narcissist who battled addiction to prescription drugs. Others on that side of the family didn't/don't have healthy relationships.

 

The sister of one of my younger one just got engaged to a man that she barely knows that she hid from her family. She's pretty much isolated herself and tells her parents that they're getting married in early October at the courthouse without them.

 

We've talked quite a bit about that.

[Word Nerd]

My DD is in a long-distance relationship with someone she met at camp. Even though they haven't seen each other in person since then, I've noticed several red flags and have explained to DD why I think it's not healthy for either one of them. Knowing something in your head doesn't mean your heart will understand or your feelings will diminish, though. Feelings can betray you. It's tough.

[Catherine]

I appreciate the replies!  I think one of my goals is to head off those unhealthy relationships before they happen. Kids\young adults have a hard time being objective about a BF or GF when they are already involved, KWIM?  My question was prompted by my son's persistent interest in meeting a kid who lives 4 hours away from us, and who has made zero effort in the "relationship", such as it is.  I have talked to him several times about the issue of relationships (and I mean friendships here-he is not in a romantic relationship) with people who give nothing, AT ALL, back.  So most recently, we talked again and I just found myself reiterating that there is no relationship if you are the person who is doing all of the contacting, supportive words, sending gifts (yes!) and the other person has not made any similar efforts.  

 

I think he is getting it, slowly.  Some of you have pointed out the value of the real-life examples all around us-and that is an excellent point. Without seeming too judgey, I hope to simply help them see how some choices lead to some outcomes, and also to grasp that healthy friendships are about mutual sharing, give-and-take.  

[Rosie_0801]

There might be some useful stuff in here.

[The Girls' Mom]

I'm a realist. I talk to my kids pretty much without a filter. I've been with my husband since I was 14 years old. In some ways, we have great relationship qualities, in others... Not so much. I have friends going through divorce. I have zero problem talking to my kids about what the heck went wrong there. I find that so many ultra conservative people around me just won't say what they are thinking because they are talking to their "children". Our job is to raise them up to be decent and functioning adults. Obviously, I wouldn't tell a 5 year old that my best friends soon to ex husband is a narcissistic loser that should be dropped off the end of a cliff, but I most definitely tell my soon to be 17 year old daughter that and I give her all sorts of the examples of why. So, I guess in essence I just plain talk to them.

 

This is how it is here too.

 

My oldest attracts needy people like a porch light attracts moths.  She is an extremely caring person and is kind to everyone she meets.  This has put her in a couple of relationships with some very mentally unhealthy people.  My biggest job with her, is to keep reminding her that the actions of these people are NOT her responsibility.  She had a very good friend that was suicidal and had some severe mental health issues.  My fear was that if he ended up being successful at a suicide attempt, that she would somehow blame herself.  Their relationship has petered out, and he kind of vanished from her life, so it never escalated to that point.  But basically, we talked a lot about mental illness, bad choices, and how to be a friend without assuming responsibility.  We also talked a lot about reporting dangerous activity to trusted adults.  

 

We've also tried to model what it is like to be strong and have the ability to walk away from a dangerous/unhealthy situation.  She has been able to successfully set boundaries in a couple of romantic relationships, and even put a halt to one that began to feel too co-dependent.  

 

 

[Joanne]

Google "power and control wheel for teens" and "healthy relationship wheel for teens."

[Seasider]

Plain talk as the kids get to be teens, as many above have said. I also talk to them about coercive speech and behaviors. They should never feel as though they are being manipulated, and I talk with them a bit about what that might look like in a bf/gf relationship.