PeterPan Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 It doesn't have to be good. If you could just put what he does and the age (6, 7, 8, whatever), that would be helpful. I need to see some ideas of things we could work my ds toward. (Let's just say my ds is WAY too extreme right now.) So don't varnish it. If there's some middle ground, like punching pillows or kid-cursing or stomping or whatever that is in the realm of socially typical, developmentally typical, I'd love to hear about it. :) Thanks! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maela Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 j will be six in about a month. He loves playing board games (our whole family does), but the minute he realizes he's going to lose his behavior goes downhill. He either blames someone else or just gets in a general bad mood (using "bathroom" words, calling people names, saying the game is stupid, etc.). I would love to see some suggestions of things we could do to help him become a gracious loser. He is extremely competitive. Just sending him to his room until the end of the game is not changing anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My kids are all sore losers. I'm fairly certain that they got it from me. In a small scale, we try to play games that are fast with frequent wins and losses and no score keeping. It helps with them develop a "maybe next time" mentality. I have three kids so I've been trying to develop a strategy that works for us. The truth is that most people don't like to lose. My ds25 won't play Risk with me anymore because I beat him once 4 years ago, but he'll play Boggle because he wins 9 out of 10 games. My dd14 won't play Uno with her sister anymore because dd10 wins every single game. Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice. :) We don't allow fits - the games stop if there is a fit. We are all allowed to not play if we can't handle losing. Mostjoin most games and eventually learn to deal with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syllieann Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My 6 yo is on the more extreme side of normal, I think. He will cry, yell, throw himself on the floor, and stomp away. He is generally a perfectionist; making mistakes will usually make everyone around him miserable for the next hour. We're working on it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExcitedMama Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 DS 5.5 will often insist we play the game over and over until he wins. For some unknown reason DD almost 3 always wins games of chance which irritates DS. DH didn't believe me until her much older cousins were visiting and complaining she kept beating them. When it's just the three of us we usually keep playing after DD wins and if DS comes in second but beats me he is ok with it but if I beat him he wants to play again. So far he's been grumpy about losing and often tries to cheat, like if it's a game with a spinner he will lie about the number or try to change it, so I've been focusing a lot on honesty. When playing a game like chutes and ladders I exaggerate in being silly when I get sent down so DS can learn to take it better when that happens to him. Have you tried a game that is more skill based or cooperative? I think DS is more bothered by losing a game of chance since he can't control it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 DS9 is a sore loser. He would alternate between wailing and whining. He stops if no one is paying attention. DS10 is a lot more intense. Until around 5+, he would stomp, throw the cards, board game or whatever he was playing. He would throw pillows at his brother if we were playing board games on the bed because DS9 tends to poke fire. He mellowed around 8+ and now he would just sulk. He kind of get mellower/milder at each growth spurt so probably he now has better control over the intensities. His stimming is less too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My Aspie could not handle losing at a younger age because he felt it meant that he had made wrong decision or was stupid- self criticism was/is a huge problem for him. His therapist specifically worked with him to accept losses better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 sometimes he'll say "aw rats!" or that he really wanted to win, but DS is pretty easygoing in general and since he was little, we've always had a rule that everyone shakes hands and says "good game" after the game no matter who wins. So even if he's feeling mad that he didn't win, he will still shake hands and tell the winner "good game". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SanDiegoMom Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 My ds is 9 and is starting to get better. He adores games, especially games of strategy, and hates to lose. It previously would be throwing the dice down, stalking off to his room, coming back and insisting on playing to win again, getting mad if we didn't have time... Now he only gets mad if it's a new game he likes or one he feels he should be better at. Old favorites he's won enough that he doesn't mind losing. (i.e. He's ok losing Clue but when we played poker for the first time he was devastated to lose and was very bitter the rest of the evening). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 It depends on the time of day. If it is 9 pm, 90 minutes past bed time after a really busy day, and dd7 loses at Scrabble, she will cry. Note to self: do NOT start Scrabble after a late dinner. What was I thinking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 j will be six in about a month. He loves playing board games (our whole family does), but the minute he realizes he's going to lose his behavior goes downhill. He either blames someone else or just gets in a general bad mood (using "bathroom" words, calling people names, saying the game is stupid, etc.). I would love to see some suggestions of things we could do to help him become a gracious loser. He is extremely competitive. Just sending him to his room until the end of the game is not changing anything. My 6 yo is on the more extreme side of normal, I think. He will cry, yell, throw himself on the floor, and stomp away. He is generally a perfectionist; making mistakes will usually make everyone around him miserable for the next hour. We're working on it... DS9 is a sore loser. He would alternate between wailing and whining. He stops if no one is paying attention. DS10 is a lot more intense. Until around 5+, he would stomp, throw the cards, board game or whatever he was playing. He would throw pillows at his brother if we were playing board games on the bed because DS9 tends to poke fire. He mellowed around 8+ and now he would just sulk. He kind of get mellower/milder at each growth spurt so probably he now has better control over the intensities. His stimming is less too. My ds is 9 and is starting to get better. He adores games, especially games of strategy, and hates to lose. It previously would be throwing the dice down, stalking off to his room, coming back and insisting on playing to win again, getting mad if we didn't have time... Now he only gets mad if it's a new game he likes or one he feels he should be better at. Old favorites he's won enough that he doesn't mind losing. (i.e. He's ok losing Clue but when we played poker for the first time he was devastated to lose and was very bitter the rest of the evening). It depends on the time of day. If it is 9 pm, 90 minutes past bed time after a really busy day, and dd7 loses at Scrabble, she will cry. Note to self: do NOT start Scrabble after a late dinner. What was I thinking! Thank you ladies, that's the list I needed! Just typical behavior. I really like the verbal ideas too, with the name calling and bad talking. Not that we want him to do that, but with his apraxia that hasn't necessarily been part of his repertoire. If we can teach it to him explicitly, it might give him some developmentally appropriate ways to respond rather than the way he does respond. And if it makes y'all feel any better, his response is so bad (and so entirely unresponsive to typical discipline/punitive techniques) that pretty much anything listed in this thread would be moving up. ;) I think we're going to try something called shaping (actually I have no clue what I'm talking about), but basically the book said to practice the behavior at various levels (mild to horrific), so they can then get the idea of ramping it down, that their might be a middle level of response. In our case, that would be a huge improvement. I was just trying to figure out what that middle response was. :) Yes, "Rats!" is one of the phrases the SLP taught him. He hasn't really adopted it as his own, but maybe we can incorporate it into some of these levels of response and see what happens. And yes, the shake hands and congratulate has been what we've been doing. So he'll do that and THEN blow up, sigh. sometimes he'll say "aw rats!" or that he really wanted to win, but DS is pretty easygoing in general and since he was little, we've always had a rule that everyone shakes hands and says "good game" after the game no matter who wins. So even if he's feeling mad that he didn't win, he will still shake hands and tell the winner "good game". My Aspie could not handle losing at a younger age because he felt it meant that he had made wrong decision or was stupid- self criticism was/is a huge problem for him. His therapist specifically worked with him to accept losses better. Ok, spill the beans. What did she do? :) When I've brought this up on threads before, I've gotten responses from punitive (if you'd just not accept it it wouldn't happen) to always play cooperative games (not all of life is, that's not a complete solution) to... This idea of shaping some milder behaviors, praising partial improvements, that's new for me. We LOVE playing together. We just don't like how it ends, sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelmama1209 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 10yo dd starts screaming , crying, and stomps away to slam a door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbes Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 My 5yo will just refuse to play a game she doesn't think she'll win. I know that sounds calm, but I'd like her to at least be willing to engage in a game where losing is an accepted possibility... them we could begin to work on how to handle it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 My 8 yo ds is not a hood loser most of the time. We are working on it, but it is slow going. He just pouts and doesn't want to play any more. He has improved since he was 5 or 6 and would throw cards or upset the game board etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 One of my girls is extremely competitive. She mainly makes horrible comments about herself. "I am just so stupid." "I should leave. No one will ever want to play a game with me again." "I'm just a brat. Go ahead and hate me!" "I'm going to go lay in the street." I want to mention that we do not talk that way to her. She is getting better with age. She had a sports class last year and that really helped. She will be doing that again this fall. We play a lot of card/board games so this comes up daily. I'd say she freaks out about every third day. Sometimes more extremely than others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Oh Reign, the verbal precociousness of it makes me smile. :) I'm thinking "I'm going to go lay in the street," is NOT one I'll teach ds, lol. I started broaching some of these ideas with him. It's amazing how frequently you can stomp and say "I HATE..." when you think about it. :) And Scout, thanks for the thought that it did improve in your case with age. That's a good thought for the day. :) PS. Dh is not so sure he likes that I'm teaching him to stomp and say he hates things, but if it tones down the worse stuff I'm all for it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 We tickle the winner of board/card games. It takes the sting out of losing. Having spent considerable time with someone who is both a poor winner and a poor loser, we don't tolerate any behavior that smacks of bad sportsmanship. But tickling (briefly)...seems to dissipate strong feelings before they happen most of the time. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 We tickle the winner of board/card games. It takes the sting out of losing. Having spent considerable time with someone who is both a poor winner and a poor loser, we don't tolerate any behavior that smacks of bad sportsmanship. But tickling (briefly)...seems to dissipate strong feelings before they happen most of the time. Oh that is hilarious!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 PS. Dh is not so sure he likes that I'm teaching him to stomp and say he hates things, but if it tones down the worse stuff I'm all for it.I come from a big extended family. I am pretty sure all of us has gone through the stomp away, slam a room door and yell "i hate this game" phase. ETA; My boys has the mildest tantrums with Bingo compared to Monopoly or Scrabble or Risk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 I was the sorest loser there could be when I was a child. My dh and I realized that if we were going to stay married we would not be playing chess or similar games together. When my two oldest were 6 we went to a homeschool sports day together. Dd would have a fit every time she lost a relay and Ds thought that the relays were stupid and didn't want to be a part of them even though he was winning most of them. I realized that for that day I was going to have to be the weird homeschool amongst a group of homeschoolers and just go hang out on the playground until the races were done. It just wasn't worth subjecting my dc to the pain of doing relays for no reason or being upset to the point of a fit every ten minutes. Dd still pout when she loses and ds just doesn't like competitive games much at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternallytired Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 My DS 6.5 can't stand being wrong or losing, so he just makes excuses. "Oh, I knew that was a bad move, but I was trying to be nice and let you win." Or, "I wasn't really paying attention, so I didn't do very well this time." More annoying yet is when it is some game the kids make up and he just changes the rules so he can claim he didn't lose. (His sister hates that!) DD 5.5, on the other hand, is so uber-competitive about every aspect of life that she just bursts into tears and shouts about the unfairness of it all--all the time. Over everything. *sigh* We don't play many games around here, though I need to start again. I used to have a once-weekly session where I rewarded them for being good sports, but then we got to a period where DD could never keep it together, so it was too frustrating for everyone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Arcadia, that's a good point about trying a game where he is less passionate to work on this, hmm. EternallyTired, that's pretty good with saying he just let them win. That would resonate with him and help him save face! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 5 year old: "I lost! Let's play again!" 4 year old: "I don't want to lose!!!" <<kicking, screaming>> "NO!! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE!!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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