planner Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 My mom told me so. My crime: I changed my facebook settings and made my friend list private. My mom told me she didn't quite know how to broach the subject with me but she just doesn't understand how she has a daughter who would buy shoes for a homeless man and then turn around and change her facebook settings. Yes, she seriously brought up one of the nicest things I've done lately and then acted like changing my settings was the opposite evil of that good. I told her I wanted more privacy. Truth is, I'm just really tired of hearing her talk about what she read on facebook about my friends. I don't call her to have a playback of my faceback feed. I told her she didn't need me, that she could type a name in the search bar if she wanted to find out about a person. Besides, she still has access to my sibling's friend lists, many of which are my friends as well. Don't quote because I will delete in a few days just in case my mom gets some crazy awesome google skills. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm sorry. It's hard when you have a narcissistic parent. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm sorry. It's hard when you have a narcissistic parent. Hmmm. I've never thought about that before and I'm not sure I fully understand narcissism. What makes you think she's narcissistic? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gil Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Its okay, I've been told I'm a petty a$$hole for not allowing my kids around my family for more time than it takes to make our exit from the premises. Mom has a hard time accepting that I choose not to associate with my kinsman any more than absolutely neccessary. During the summer and holiday months it becomes a big problem for my relatives. Its like they really just can't understand why I refuse to let my sons be around the same folks who turned me into an addict during adolescence. ("Okay, so you drank and used when you were a young--you didn't have a problem with it then and you went to college anyway so its not like it ruined your life!" Yes, someone actually said that too me.) Yeah sure, WTF ever. Don't know if your situation is as extreme as mine, but if so heed the PSA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 She may not be. This is the first thing I've ever read about her or you, so take my comments with a grain of salt, but the fact that she thinks that your friend list is any of her business was the thing that made me say that. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Its okay, I've been told I'm a petty a$$hole for not allowing my kids around my family for more time than it takes to make our exit from the premises. Mom has a hard time accepting that I choose not to associate with my kinsman any more than absolutely neccessary. During the summer and holiday months it becomes a big problem for my relatives. Its like they really just can't understand why I refuse to let my sons be around the same folks who turned me into an addict during adolescence. ("Okay, so you drank and used when you were a young--you didn't have a problem with it then and you went to college anyway so its not like it ruined your life!" Yes, someone actually said that too me.) Yeah sure, WTF ever. Don't know if your situation is as extreme as mine, but if so heed the PSA Sorry for your situation. My parents are fine to be around. I would have no problem letting my kids hang out with anyone in my extended family and they have many different lifestyles and belief systems. Typing that out made me rethink my alcoholic cousin but I would let them be with him as long as I was there too.I just don't like the unending gossip so I did my part to hamper it but for my mom to make that an evil action is what blows my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Just smile sweetly as you say, "Well mom, at least I didn't block you completely." 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 It's all about HER isn't it? I think it's kind of a leap to internet-diagnose her with Narcissistic Personality Disorder based on one incident but if this isn't a shocking reaction from her, you might want to read up on it. Or the related and not quite as awful but still pretty bad Borderline Personality Disorder. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renai Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm sorry she seems you're so evil. How do you make your friends list private? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Did you actually tell her that you don't want to hear about them when you talk on the phone? Because I'm thinking that is lost on her and she is going to continue to do that. No, I haven't told her. I know that would upset her so I just haven't gone there. She is going to continue and I'll just have to deal with the gossip or her wrath. I'm choosing gossip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm sorry she seems you're so evil. How do you make your friends list private? You just go into the settings and there are different options to choose. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I'm trying to figure out something... is she already friends with them? If not, she is relying on public posts? Maybe your friends need to change their settings to "friends only." She is only friends with her children and grandchildren. She refuses to be friends with anyone else. She is relying on public posts. Everyone is free to choose for themselves their privacy settings. I'm certainly not going to tells someone what their settings should be. That's a personal decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Narcissism or BPD popped in my head too. It's alllllll about them! And they don't like when you set boundaries. My conversations with my mother are relegated to text almost exclusively. Texting rocks. ;) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 People who have had extensive relationships with narcissists do tend to jump to that conclusion. Once burned, twice shy and all that :) And really, the advice that children (and other family members) of narcissists give can be very helpful even if our own personal PITA is just mildly annoying and not abusive or narcissistic or anything like that. In this case, the go-to advice is "boundaries are healthy. do not engage with people who do not wish to be reasonable", that is, you can do whatever you like with your FB feed, and if your mother doesn't like it, she can go stew. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 have you read any of the threads on narcisstic personality disorder? (whether it is npd or not, the information can be very useful.) have you read the book "boundaries, when to say yes, how to say no"? have you heard the term - passing the bean dip? when your mother get's this way - offer her some. you've taken your first step to a whole new world. hang on, the ride gets bumpy from here. (people with no boundaries, tend to get very persnickety and loud in their objections when someone deigns to introduce boundaries to their relationship.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 There's a difference between being narcissistic (adjective) and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. While I'm not willing to say your mom has NPD, I am willing to use the adjective. It's not just that she got upset, but her use of "vindictive" to describe what you did. :grouphug: 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Sounds like my mother. Advise: don't engage. Don't dwell on it. You can't change how she feels about you or what you do. It has absolutely nothing to do with your character as a person. It may sound harsh to you. It was my life until about 4 years ago when I decided to end the madness. I could never do anything right, unless it was exactly what she wanted. I got cornered in my sons room because I fed my kids food she didn't like. I didn't dress modest enough for her, so I was called names, I didn't have her over enough, or gossip enough with her about others, so I was called cold. Ugh. It really is a no win. I chose freedom, so I no longer have her in my life. It was so hard, and still puts me in an anxiety state if I dwell on it. I am really truly a nice person, and a people pleaser. That is why leaving a narcissistic parent was so extremely hard on me. My heart goes out to you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You didnt stay in your assigned role. That's bad. You will be punished with more than a verbal remark. Watch for it. I agree whole heartedly. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 No, I haven't told her. I know that would upset her so I just haven't gone there. She is going to continue and I'll just have to deal with the gossip or her wrath. I'm choosing gossip. Her wrath? For telling her you don't want to hear gossip? Umm. And this is a perfectly lovely person you have no problem keeping your children around? These statements seem rather incongruent. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planner Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Her wrath? For telling her you don't want to hear gossip? Umm. And this is a perfectly lovely person you have no problem keeping your children around? These statements seem rather incongruent. Wrath is too strong of a word. She would be hurt, she would let me know. She wouldn't scream at me or anything like that. She just wouldn't understand why I had a problem. That would make me the problem in her eyes. My mom's getting older. I'm not sure she's 100% competent these days. I think she's slowly losing reality. My mom has really never done anything in front of my children or behind closed doors that I would limit contact over. Her biggest flaw is that she's judgmental and can't perceive others points of view. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Sounds like my mother. Advise: don't engage. Don't dwell on it. You can't change how she feels about you or what you do. It has absolutely nothing to do with your character as a person. It may sound harsh to you. It was my life until about 4 years ago when I decided to end the madness. I could never do anything right, unless it was exactly what she wanted. I got cornered in my sons room because I fed my kids food she didn't like. I didn't dress modest enough for her, so I was called names, I didn't have her over enough, or gossip enough with her about others, so I was called cold. Ugh. It really is a no win. I chose freedom, so I no longer have her in my life. It was so hard, and still puts me in an anxiety state if I dwell on it. I am really truly a nice person, and a people pleaser. That is why leaving a narcissistic parent was so extremely hard on me. My heart goes out to you. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I'd just let her vent and ignore the complaints. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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