Ahhh... what to do with ds 9???

[kroe1]

Sorry, I have not read the other posts. But, my kiddos would be up playing video games if I ever left them during school hours. I had to sit at the table the entire time until about age 14.

 

To break it up, we changed subjects every 15 minutes or so, even if that meant coming back to the work later. Also, there was always multiple physical activity things throughout the day. Finally, we moved around throughout the house and outside.

 

HTH

[Melissa in Australia]

If he works best late at night, could you jump-start him one day, so that he gets "special permission" to stay up late as long as he's doing TOMORROW's work?

 

(I don't know if that would work or not, but it's the premise we use for doing school in the summer. If we were still dragging out last school year, we'd all be dying, but by "getting a head start" on NEXT year's work, we're all willing to put it 45 minutes a day or so, and we shave off a significant chunk of work that lightens our load during the year. Perhaps the parallel would help him?)

 

Or what we're doing with a 9yo boy in this house (+ a few other kids, LOL) - go to the science museum for a week straight! :) It's March! Get out of the house!

That is exactly what I have found works with ds11.

[Jasperstone]

That is true. :-) But that shouldn't be one of the first things that a parent suggests when her child doesn't do what she thinks he should do.

I said that because I *KNOW* he can do the work, when he wants. He isn't struggling at all. He just wants to go and play Lego all day long instead of schoolwork etc..

[Tanaqui]

I said that because I *KNOW* he can do the work, when he wants. He isn't struggling at all. He just wants to go and play Lego all day long instead of schoolwork etc..

 

But you're not letting him play Lego. At all. So your child has randomly decided to act unreasonably stubborn when it won't get him what it wants? That doesn't make much sense.

 

How do you know he can do the work? Is it review work, is that it? Or...? My parents* and teachers *KNEW* I could do the work too. They were just wrong. They *KNEW* I could make friends, and tie my shoes if I tried hard enough, and write neatly "if I just tried', and write essays on demand, and dredge up the executive function required to handle my homework or in-class work without assistance, and do all the things that other kids could do easily. And they were wrong. Couldn't convince them, though, even now.

 

* My parents knew most of that stuff I really couldn't do, they just didn't have any good way to help me. Though to this day, my mother thinks it was laziness that kept me from learning my times tables until 12. No, it was actually the side effect of people "knowing" I could do things I couldn't - I habitually played a game called "If I Don't Try, It Doesn't Count That I Can't Do It". There were so many things I couldn't do, despite being lauded everywhere as being quite bright, that if something was a little difficult I avoided it. Letting people see how hard it was to do something new might make them think I wasn't just lazy or stubborn, but also stupid, and I really couldn't afford that. Of course, I wasn't any of those things.

 

My now 16 year old openly admits that the struggles that I had with him for 2 years were just him being stubborn about not wanting to do work that was boring (and no, he admits, there is nothing on this earth I could have done to make most of it interesting to him, he still finds math just as boring, but he sucks it up and does it).

 

Well, maybe. People often internalize what other people think of them, though  - especially the opinions of people important to them, like their parents. My own perceptions of my school-related issues have changed through time as I grew older and gained a different perspective and spoke to others with similar problems. When everybody around me thought I was lazy, it was hard for me not to think it too, especially as I was young and simply didn't know much yet. When I learned more, and realized it wasn't laziness, that I had legitimate issues that made it harder for me than for others, it became much easier to tackle my actual issues. (Also helped my depression. There's something that can make you look lazy! Funny thing, thinking you're lazy because you can't dredge up interest in the world is not actually helpful.)

 

Like, wasn't there a study where they took several grade school teachers and informed them that tests had shown that certain students (whom they named) were going to make great leaps that year? And then a year later they really did test those students and, lo and behold, those students were ahead of the control group? There was nothing really different about those kids, they were randomly chosen. But the teachers believed they were gifted, and even though they didn't say anything overt, their reactions affected how the kids learned. It's not a stretch to suspect that this works in reverse. If you believe you, or somebody in your life has this or that bad character trait, even if you conscientiously don't say it aloud, they'll still get the message.

 

 

[Jasperstone]

Tanaqui-

 

How do you know he can do the work? Is it review work, is that it?

 

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Maybe because he flew through it this morning....... and maybe because some mothers can work out if it's a genuine struggle, or an attitude etc...

 

 

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Tanaqui-

 

But you're not letting him play Lego. At all.

 

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How do you come to that conclusion? Were you there before we started at 9.30 ish?

[Ellie]

I said that because I *KNOW* he can do the work, when he wants. He isn't struggling at all. He just wants to go and play Lego all day long instead of schoolwork etc..

 

I also suggested, as have others, that there may be other reasons that he isn't doing the work. 

 

You asked our opinions. We're telling you what we think.  Several have told you about their own situations, both themselves and their children, and have made suggestions on things you could do. And many of us are telling you pretty much the same thing but you're getting kind of cranky about it.

[Jasperstone]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Very well said. And it is why flames shoot through me when someone suggests that her child won't do whatever-it-is because he is "lazy" or "stubborn."

Funny you say that, as I read yours above ↑↑↑ and thought the same..... that it has a cranky tone etc....

[Jasperstone]

I also suggested, as have others, that there may be other reasons that he isn't doing the work.

 

You asked our opinions. We're telling you what we think. Several have told you about their own situations, both themselves and their children, and have made suggestions on things you could do. And many of us are telling you pretty much the same thing but you're getting kind of cranky about it.

And I have taken *on* those suggestions that apply to my son. Those that don't, I'll correct. I don't see how that's a problem.

 

I had to highlight the 'know' as it gets a bit much when I've explained that it's an additude problem, but some just won't believe it.

 

I do know my son.

[Jean in Newcastle]

And I have taken *on* those suggestions that apply to my son. Those that don't, I'll correct. I don't see how that's a problem.

 

I had to highlight the 'know' as it gets a bit much when I've explained that it's an additude problem, but some just won't believe it.

 

I do know my son.

I re-read your OP to see if I could figure out what it is that you want from us.  Do you think that your approach is working after 3 days (or possibly more now) of this?  Why are you using that same approach day after day?  Do you want suggestions on how to change his attitude?  to change his behavior so that he is conforming to your plan for him to sit at 9 years old at a table doing work by himself?  What would you think of a public school teacher who was maintaining an approach like that with your son for 3 days straight? 

[Jasperstone]

I re-read your OP to see if I could figure out what it is that you want from us. Do you think that your approach is working after 3 days (or possibly more now) of this? Why are you using that same approach day after day? Do you want suggestions on how to change his attitude? to change his behavior so that he is conforming to your plan for him to sit at 9 years old at a table doing work by himself? What would you think of a public school teacher who was maintaining an approach like that with your son for 3 days straight?

I have gotten some great advice. So, I'll apply what made sense to me.

 

I also got some acknowledgement that sometimes kids play up, so change the scene, and not to make it into a battle of wills etc...

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to leave it now, as I can see some people are on the verge of wanting to start arguing.

 

Again, thank you all that have replied to this thread with helpful advice.

[Joker]

And I have taken *on* those suggestions that apply to my son. Those that don't, I'll correct. I don't see how that's a problem.

 

I had to highlight the 'know' as it gets a bit much when I've explained that it's an additude problem, but some just won't believe it.

 

I do know my son.

 

I just think some are trying to show that the attitude problem may not all be with your son. You may also need to change yours and how you do/view things. Parenting has been the hardest and most humbling thing I've ever done. It's also been the most rewarding when I've been able to change not just my dds but myself.

[Jasperstone]

I just think some are trying to show that the attitude problem may not all be with your son. You may also need to change yours and how you do/view things. Parenting has been the hardest and most humbling thing I've ever done. It's also been the most rewarding when I've been able to change not just my dds but myself.

 

Yep, I took that advice on, as well.

Especially, about not having to *win*. I always thought I'd need to, otherwise my dc would walk all over me etc... I've adjusted my thinking there.

[texasmama]

Yep, I took that advice on, as well.

Especially, about not having to *win*. I always thought I'd need to, otherwise my dc would walk all over me etc... I've adjusted my thinking there.

This is such an important piece, OP.  With kids who are strong-willed and a parent who won't compromise or allow the kid to save face, you just end up at an impasse often and nothing is gained. 

 

One of my kids is WAY stubborn. He comes by it naturally.  ;)  He needs to argue a bit before complying and sometimes we "go there".  But I give him quite a lot of leeway in how he approaches life, and it works better for all of us.  The point is not to get him to army drill stand at attention saluting immediate obedience.  The point is to get him to adulthood emotionally intact and with the knowledge that he cannot always be king of the world but that he can have an impact on his little piece of it.  It is an inexact science at best, but I've been at this since birth with him so I've found some things that work.

 

Amusing story that is tangentially related.  My dh was gone with my two boys (compliant boy and king of the world boy) for a week out of state to a bball tournament.  While there, my boys had to share a bed at a hotel.  King of the world boy intuited that compliant boy had picked his nose and a booger had fallen on the bed so he refused to sleep in the bed and got in a small chair.  Dh told him to get back in the bed.  He refused due to boogers.  Dh told me that they argued back and forth some when it dawned on him that king of the world boy NEEDED dh to insist that he MUST get back in the bed in order to save face.  There was a protocol that had to be followed in order for it all to work.  So dh then insisted that king of the world son get back in the bed, and he did.

 

I don't say all of that to recommend us as parents of the year.  We're flying by the seat of our pants here.  But I do know a couple of things.  It helps immensely to let stubborn kids save face, and it doesn't cost you anything but maybe a little bit of your pride.  I personally had pride to spare so it was not bad that I had to give up a piece of it.  ;)  I figured out a few miles back that this child would not be controlled by the brute force of my will and the authority vested in me by God and the state of Texas, but that he needed a different approach.  The older he gets, the easier it gets because he matures.  He needs room to be who he is, and he needs clear information when he crosses a line. 

 

Maybe any of that is helpful.  :)

[Jasperstone]

This is such an important piece, OP. With kids who are strong-willed and a parent who won't compromise or allow the kid to save face, you just end up at an impasse often and nothing is gained.

 

One of my kids is WAY stubborn. He comes by it naturally. ;) He needs to argue a bit before complying and sometimes we "go there". But I give him quite a lot of leeway in how he approaches life, and it works better for all of us. The point is not to get him to army drill stand at attention saluting immediate obedience. The point is to get him to adulthood emotionally intact and with the knowledge that he cannot always be king of the world but that he can have an impact on his little piece of it. It is an inexact science at best, but I've been at this since birth with him so I've found some things that work.

 

Amusing story that is tangentially related. My dh was gone with my two boys (compliant boy and king of the world boy) for a week out of state to a bball tournament. While there, my boys had to share a bed at a hotel. King of the world boy intuited that compliant boy had picked his nose and a booger had fallen on the bed so he refused to sleep in the bed and got in a small chair. Dh told him to get back in the bed. He refused due to boogers. Dh told me that they argued back and forth some when it dawned on him that king of the world boy NEEDED dh to insist that he MUST get back in the bed in order to save face. There was a protocol that had to be followed in order for it all to work. So dh then insisted that king of the world son get back in the bed, and he did.

 

I don't say all of that to recommend us as parents of the year. We're flying by the seat of our pants here. But I do know a couple of things. It helps immensely to let stubborn kids save face, and it doesn't cost you anything but maybe a little bit of your pride. I personally had pride to spare so it was not bad that I had to give up a piece of it. ;) I figured out a few miles back that this child would not be controlled by the brute force of my will and the authority vested in me by God and the state of Texas, but that he needed a different approach. The older he gets, the easier it gets because he matures. He needs room to be who he is, and he needs clear information when he crosses a line.

 

Maybe any of that is helpful. :)

Yes, it is! Thank you!!! :-D

[MomOfABunch]

Thanx. I sat with him all morning already, and it didnt help. Sooo over it.

 

I keep thinking you can lead a horse to water....

 

Is it a common 9-10 boy thing, do you think?

Yes. 10 was a hard year for DS. And for me too. Everything was a freaking power struggle! He still has his moments now at almost 13, but from 8.5 to 10 was really tough. I had to really work on myself to not get sucked into the power struggles. It was hard for me to realize that. The relationship between us over time is what I started focusing on rather than the daily nagging. If he didn't to X today, well then it would still be there tomorrow. 9 was our first year of year round schooling....

[Southern Ivy]

You need a hard reset. Both of you.

 

Therapist trick for resistant kids...I let them choose one activity and I choose the next one. Alternate until time is up or the work is done, in your case. Get outside some to start your day. Keep him at elbow. Move from the table, and sit in the couch. Eat popcorn during school. Anything to push the reset button.

 

You are in a control battle, and no one wins these. Switch things up to shake you both out of your bad rut. Let him save face.

I'm not homeschooling yet, but I do teach 23 9-year-olds every day. :) I agree with texasmama. Reset. 

Today was horrible in my classroom. The kids needed to interact and talk and we were getting NOTHING done except for raising my stress and frustration level. So, instead of forcing it, I pulled out all of my Language Arts board games. They did board games for 40 minutes. Perfect reset. 

 

My mom (a private school administrator) had a student (3rd) absolutely refusing to do his work, causing a scene, etc. She gently spoke with him, got to the base problem (boredom) and gave him a couple Mini-M&Ms. She told him they were sweet pills and that they'd give him the energy and power to complete the work. That was his reset. 

 

Find a reset that works for you both - change it up. Do the work at the park, the library, on the porch, etc. 

Good luck!