Granny_Weatherwax Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 what type of agreements do you have for chores, paying bills, sharing household responsibilities, etc? Would your arrangement be different if your college student had a child? What is 'reasonable expectation'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in NY Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm watching this thread because we'll be there next fall. I'm thinking that they should keep the shared vehicle's gas tank full, pay for their own gym membership, buy their own books and materials, and help with chores on Saturdays unless they're working. We'll see though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Running the race Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 My 18yo has a job. He pays for everything except tuition. That would include gas, his share of car insurance, and any money spent on food or entertainment. We provide room and board and car maintenance. If our entire family goes to a movie or restaurant, we pay. We ask him to be respectful as another adult living in the household and let us know when he'll be home at night and if he'll be eating dinner with us. He has food allergies, so his presence has a great impact on our menu items. He doesn't bring someone over without asking, but our house isn't that big. He hasn't had any girlfriends yet, so we haven't dealt with that issue. He also does a few chores. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen in VA Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Our freshman pays for all her own expenses like textbooks, gas, meals out with friends, and random personal stuff. (She has a job.) We provide room and board, car insurance, and laundry services. She has a crazy-busy schedule involving academics, practicing, and several paying jobs. From early high school days, I know that she CAN maintain a household but we prefer her to focus on academics, her music, and her multiple jobs. (She has calculated that she makes music for nearly 40 hours per week on top of her academics. A few of those hours are paid resume-building jobs; all of them are worthwhile. She is a BUSY person!) Her only chores are chipping in when asked, which happens rarely. We may be unusual, but we regard this time when she is living at home as a surprise gift. We are cherishing her time with us and not having her do much in the way of chores is our gift to her during this VERY stressful crazy-busy time in her life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 we're paying for everything & I don't expect chores from the eldest due to her particular circumstances. While our kids are getting their first degrees they're welcome to live with us w/ free room & board. If it comes to second degrees, I'll have to think about it.... We are at some point finally going to finish up a basement suite. We live in a city w/ "second-highest housing prices in the world when compared to local incomes" so adult students, and actually even working adult children, living with parents or in basement suites etc is pretty normal here. eta - my dd does work 10h/week during the semester & pretty much full time at all breaks. She has a fairly comfy bank account now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalea Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 What I want to know is, what are your expectations for cleanliness? I've never been the greatest housekeeper. Usually the kitchen is fully cleaned once a day, but throughout the day dishes gather, stuff gets left out, counters accumulate a bit of cooking mess, same with floors. My dd has just turned 17 and goes to community college she has sports activities that take up much of her time. She will make breakfast and leave the mess for me. Eat dinner in her room when she gets home at 9 PM and leave dishes in her room. Don't get me started about the state of her room. The bathroom is not cleaned without being asked. Yes, I did train her better than this. However, now she is just so "busy" all of the time. For now, I am cleaning up the mess. This DD will go off to undergrad and then likely return home to attend graduate school. She will be maybe 20 or 21 at that time. If she returns expecting me to continue to be her cook and maid - I will lose my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 what type of agreements do you have for chores, paying bills, sharing household responsibilities, etc? Would your arrangement be different if your college student had a child? What is 'reasonable expectation'? Our daughter is a freshman. By next August she will have completed 49 credits. We really evaluated closely whether she should get a job. However, she made dean's list and she's carrying excess hours. She gets up in the morning, goes to every class, studies hard, drives home, studies more, goes to bed. She is saving more by getting good grades and taking excess hours than she could earn at a part time job. She is actually contributing less to the family workload than at any point in her life since about age eight. Heck, I'm doing her laundry which I've not done in the last four years. HOWEVER, this kiddo is working and working hard. And as long as she's giving 100% then we're wiling to support that. She got a scholarship to pay for books and gas and tuition. We're covering her car, insurance, phone, etc. Would my expectations change if she had a child? Well, obviously I'd expect her to parent but I'd also think her time in school would be even MORE important to focus and having a part time job would take time away from parenting. It would be really rough. :( I dropped out of college because I couldn't do it all and do a decent job of it all. Blessedly I was married to an amazing man. He actually did pull off doing it all. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 My college student is living primarily with her dad, as he is closer to her college than I am. We expect of her what we believe she is able to contribute, which may be different than what another college student (or our other kids) are able to contribute. For her, that means that we pay for all school-related expenses, cell phone, car insurance, medical needs, and food. She has a very part time job, and she pays for gas (with some help here and there), clothing, make up, coffees, eating out and other "fun" stuff. She does not function well with too much on her plate, so our expectations are pretty low at this point. If she had a child, I'm sure I would contribute some financially to the care of the child as needed and provide baby sitting. I would want her to have her attention on school and on parenting and not be weighed down by too many other responsibilities, as it seems to me that finishing up with schooling and doing well would be the key to becoming self-sufficient. I might ask that she get a part-time job, but that would greatly depend on how she was functioning with her other responsibilities and on babysitting arrangements. It if helps to know this, I am kind of a softie where my kids are concerned. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel-in-CA Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 My 18yo has a job. He pays for everything except tuition. That would include gas, his share of car insurance, and any money spent on food or entertainment. We provide room and board and car maintenance. If our entire family goes to a movie or restaurant, we pay. We ask him to be respectful as another adult living in the household and let us know when he'll be home at night and if he'll be eating dinner with us. He has food allergies, so his presence has a great impact on our menu items. He doesn't bring someone over without asking, but our house isn't that big. He hasn't had any girlfriends yet, so we haven't dealt with that issue. He also does a few chores. This is pretty much where we are with our 20yo. He pays us for his car insurance, drives the "teen car" but will soon buy his own, works 3 days most weekends and buys his own gas and does repairs on the car, buys his clothes & toys. He also buys his own produce most times because he is a smoothie fanatic and I just can't keep up with him. When we go to a movie or out to eat, all working kids are expected to pay their own way (so this applies to the high school senior, too). If we bring food in, parents usually pay. Once in a while, when we are short I will talk ds into buying....he always has loose cash because he gets good tips. LOL He really doesn't have chores except for dishes a couple nights a week (sometimes gets done @ midnight) and dumping wastebaskets, mostly because he works long, hard days F-Sun. He supposed to keep his room clean and not leave a mess in the bathroom he shares with his sisters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 What I want to know is, what are your expectations for cleanliness? Mmmmmm.... The nitty gritty, eh? I've really struggled with this. She gets home and she's ready to tell us about her day, an assignment, a test, a lecture, and everything drops - the backpack, the coat, the shoes. Last semester I had piano music everywhere and half scribbled homework scattered. She gets dressed in the AM and whereas before she was home for me to say, "Hey - you left your make-up out," or, "Pick up that and take it to your room," she's gone early by 7AM. Our rules: 1. Keep my horizontal surfaces clear. 2. You're an adult. It's not fair to force someone to either look at your stuff or clean it. I admit I lost it a bit last week, took some of my dirty laundry, my shoes, and my paper and tossed it on her floor. I explained she could either look at it or clean it up. She apologized. I apologized. I think she got the point. I do her laundry IF it's put in the laundry room properly. I will wash & dry it. She folds and puts it away. I will do her dishes but you eat in the kitchen or at the dining room table. You eat supper with us so we can see your pretty face, not in some room or something different. Take your stuff downstairs at night. Don't leave your makeup out for toddlers to wear. Clean your room on the weekend at least once COMPLETELY. It has been a bumpy transition but that's where we are. We're trying to walk the fine line of respecting that she has this whole other life and set of responsibilities, but at the end of the day, I'm the mama - not the maid, so a whole lot of respect and gratefulness goes a long way for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Our freshman has the same chores they had in high school. They just got a job so until now I have still paid for most things though have limited any money for fun extras to motivate them to get a job. They do not have a car or license so no expenses there. I do a ton of driving for them and that got old fast. Hoping the new job will lead to more options and more transition into the adult world. If had a child I would not expect rent if I didn't need it. I was a teen mom and it was hard getting through college as a single mom. I mostly survived because of romantic relationships that helped cover cost of living - if living at home had been an option it would have made things much easier and allowed me to thrive versus struggle so much, most likely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Thank you all for the replies. This is something with which we have been struggling for three years and it looks like we have a couple of more to go. I am trying to be gracious and do what I can but, to be honest, I have a bad attitude some days. I want to acknowledge and respect her adulthood and mothering but I find it difficult when I think back to what I was doing at her age. I know I shouldn't compare her to me and I certainly wasn't the best housekeeper when I was in my early 20s. Our situation (which I am sure is not uncommon so by no means am I thinking this is unique) is difficult. 5 people, 1200sqft home, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. There's not a lot of space for us and nowhere to go to escape from each other, especially with the snow and cold weather. We all have cabin fever. DH and I are at a loss for what boundaries to set and how to enforce them. How do you discipline an adult child? What consequences are appropriate that don't make the rest of us suffer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enjoyinglife365 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 [quote name="ScoutermominIL" post="6165540" timestamp="DH and I are at a loss for what boundaries to set and how to enforce them. How do you discipline an adult child? What consequences are appropriate that don't make the rest of us suffer? :bigear: :bigear: :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muttichen Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 This article made dh and I (who had college kids in and out last week because their school is on a weird schedule and they were between first and second semester) laugh out loud: http://www.wsj.com/articles/a-week-in-the-life-of-the-tiger-mother-amy-chua-1422632082. Scoutermom -- All I can say is that I sure am glad I don't deal with this year round. I love my kids dearly, but living with them while they are becoming adults (not to mention waiting on them when they think of themselves as guests) wears thin pretty quickly. I feel bad for my mom now -- I know what a pain in the neck I was at that age! Does your dd know anyone who might want to share an apartment??? :huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Does your dd know anyone who might want to share an apartment??? :huh: There are too many complications with her being a young mother. :( We are just going to have to keep on keeping on until she graduates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 They are supposed to pay what they can. I would not sit back while they shop and party while I struggle to pay for everything. They are expected to work and do chores. The chores are not a lot. It would be clean their room, clean their bathroom, and do one other thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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