What would you have said-- if anything...

[lauranc]

I am the mother of a special needs child--  We have a small group of like-minded (and abled) girls who get together monthly, and really enjoy each other's company.

 

Last fall, a new mom and daughter were introduced to me.  It was an awkward meeting as the new mother was pretty negative about her daughter's special needs and her daughter in general, which is  different to how the rest of us talk about our kids.

 

She didn't join our group, and kind of faded away.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.

 

The daughter of the mom joined an activity that my daughter participates in, and I wound up talking with the mom while the girls were enjoying the activity.

 

She was still very negative and kind of unpleasant.

 

This past week, however, I ended up talking with her again.  The daughter  was adopted about 6 yrs ago from China (she is now a young teenager).  The girl was abandoned at the orphanage around age 5. The woman tells me that she really feels that the daughter would have been better off if they had left her in China in the orphanage in which she was living.  She tells me that 'at least there are manufacturing jobs in China' that the daughter could possibly have gotten eventually. 

 

I was so taken aback that all I could say was 'really?!'     The conversation has been weighing on my mind, and I'm wondering what, if anything, others might have said in response to the woman. 

 

The woman is obviously overwhelmed with raising her, and has said that they were 'lied to' and that they had asked for a non-special needs child only to discover that the girl does, in fact, have special needs.  She's pretty bitter.  But to say that the girl  would have been better off at the orphanage and getting a 'manufacturing job' seems cold.  

 

Just curious what other people would have said/thought....

 

 

 

[Elisabet1]

I think it is awful. And you could point out to her that your biological child (assuming she is biological) has special needs and there is no guarantee just because you gave birth. That woman just burns me!

[JustEm]

That is awful. If she were so open about that all with me without knowing me well I'd have no problem telling g her she should consider speaking to a therapist about the struggles she's going through. Maybe a therapist could do a good job helping her through the negativity behind the whole adoption

[regentrude]

The woman sounds as if she is still struggling with accepting that her adoptive daughter has special needs.

From her remark about the jobs, I gather that she is also concerned about her daughter's future - which I can understand. This can be a parent's greatest worry.

 

I do not think anything you could have said to her would have helped her come to terms with the situation with which she is still wrestling after so many years.

I am glad for those mothers who can make their peace with it - but I can also understand that somebody might feel betrayed and unable to cope with raising a child with special needs, and be unable to adjust to a life that may be so different from what they were expecting and hoping for. That woman sounds deeply unhappy; she may be depressed or having other mental health issues - which is not uncommon. She may not be supported by her husband; the strain of raising the child may have put a strain on, or destroyed, her marriage - we do not know.

 

I do not have a special needs child myself, but grew up with a mentally disabled brother. I have compassion for any mother who is raising a special needs child, and especially for those who struggle with it. 

[PeachyDoodle]

I probably wouldn't have had the wherewithal to say anything, honestly.

 

I would have looked for some way to give that child a word of encouragement (or a big hug!), however.

 

 

[Hot Lava Mama]

I'm not sure anything you could have said would have changed her or the situation.  She sounds like she is very negative to begin with.  Perhaps she is overwhelmed and that is bringing on the negativity.  I don't have a special needs child, so I can't imagine the weight that puts on a parent's shoulder.  I think parents of special needs children are incredible people.  The ones I have met have had grace and understanding way beyond what I could ever hope to have.  I do hope she runs into more people like you who can have a positive effect on her.  My heart goes out to her child, and even to her for the weight she is feeling.  Some people are not able to carry that burden as gracefully as you.  Count your blessings that you are as wonderful and understanding as you are.  Your child is very lucky to have you.

:)

Hot Lava Mama

[bolt.]

I think I would have said something like you, surprised, but not overly negative... but definitely not affirming.

 

She is in a very unhealthy place, mentally. It's probably harming herself, her child, and both of their futures. However, me thinking that, and me saying that sort of thing (in any form) on the basis of such a brief relationship... it isn't going to help or change anything. She's doing a hard thing. She's doing it somewhat poorly, and she is in a very dark place. It's not OK, but for me, I give myself two choices -- I can either (1) make and execute an realistic helping plan, one that is likely to actually be of benefit, or (2) walk away without airing opinions that would probably cause upset without benefit. Both of those choices have the same first step: Be a good listener without being supportive of unhealthy choices, but being socially appropriate,respectful, with a supportive attitude.

 

(If I didn't have such good self control, I'd most likely have said, "They also have brothels. No matter how hard it is here, she's better here.")

[lauranc]

Yeah... I agree with all that has been said.  I was totally stunned by her remark. 

 

The first time I met her in the fall (the only other conversation I've had with her except the last 2 weeks) she told me that she had wanted a sister for her other daughter and 'this is what I got'.

 

She's obviously in a very bad place mentally about the whole thing.    To say these things to a stranger is very odd, I think. 

 

 

[Kiara.I]

I would have tried to hide my shock and horror.

 

But honestly, I think the best thing might be to let the shock and horror openly show.

[LostSurprise]

I have a special needs child. 

 

While this sounds terrible, I can understand her anger, frustration, pain, fear. Perhaps her special needs child has attachment problems. Those can be more emotionally challenging than your average physical disability...at least my child can show affection for me.

 

In general I think Special Needs groups should be safe places to be sad or angry (away from the child of course). I would feel sadness for this woman and her child, and I would listen (because most of the time this is all they want from you) and I would gently steer her to getting professional help for herself. 

 

It's a long road. There are days I'm angry, sad, depressed...and I have a sense of attachment to my child and a normal birth/infancy/toddlerhood I can fall back on. I can't imagine how hard it would be with an unattached teen.

 

 

 

Of course, maybe all this would change with time. There are people who feel deeply sorry for themselves and can't pull themselves out. It's harder to watch a person demean a child or be overly strict. It would be much harder to remain compassionate in that circumstance.  

[Plink]

Adoption of a 5yo (+?)  is hard.  Dealing with special needs is hard.  Coping with feelings of betrayal from the authorities is hard. 

 

She has a right to feel miserable.

 

She also needs to recognize that she is doing significant damage to express those feelings in front of her DD.

 

What would I have said?  I have no idea, but I'm sure that I would be rehashing the conversation just like you are.  Give that teen a hug and pep-talk for us the next time you see her.

[lauranc]

Thank you, all.    Your responses have helped!

[DawnM]

I would have spoken up immediately, but I think I am in a very unique situation in that I can very easily.  I am an adoptee AND I have adopted a "special needs" child from China.  I also have a 16 year old with Asperger's.  

That poor, poor child!  

[bettyandbob]

Is the girl your dd's age?

 

If I thought it possible, I'd invite th girl to activities your dd does, do that the girl might have some nice things to do with other kids. Then if the mom comes to things and you do have more conversation with her you could talk up the the things you do or programs that have helped your dd when the mom says something negative. IOW when the mom says "Susie is never going to learn to add." You can counter with "I found this great multi sensory program" or " do you know Mrs. smith, she is a fabulous tutor and has worked wonders with my dd."

 

mostly, I'd be inviting the girl to activities mostly so she'd have fun stuff to with other people who be positive and might have other adults who might be positive to her in these activities. If the mom got to talk to me and I passed some info on to me that would be bonus.

 

I don't think pointing out her terrible statements will help her improve the way she acts, her resentment, or anything else. It will just make her defensive and maybe avoid activities which may her the dd more.

 

BTW I have a special needs child. It's hard. It can be hard for some people to get through the grieving stage and come to a point of acceptance. So, I sort of understand, but the mom still has a serious problem.

[catz]

I'm not sure I would have had the presence of mind to say something on the spot, but honestly, I'd suspect she had depression or something else going on.  :(  

[Heatherwith4]

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be quick enough on my feet to say much. I would certainly feel sorry for the kid, but since I don't have any special needs or adopted children, I don't think I'd have any business saying too much anyway.

[lauranc]

You are right about her daughter's special need--- similar to my daughter and your son.  She seems to know what's out there with regards to 'help' (at least she has mentioned it). 

 

I think you are right... she is stuck.  This isn't the daughter she had 'hoped' for.    And she's just stuck in this anger and resentment--  a bad place to be for anyone.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lauranc]

Oh, I totally agree with you..    She needs some help.  She was telling me all the different things that are 'wrong' with her daughter, and I kind of wanted to say:  you might try looking at your own issues.    But, you know... she's basically a stranger to me.  :mellow:

 

I've only had a few conversations with her, and in all of them she says the same basic things:  this isn't want she 'signed up for', she was lied to, etc..

 

It's bringing me down just thinking about it again.  Yikes.

[Alessandra]

I would have just listened sympathetically. Her *words* must be hard to hear, but her *actions* in bringing her dd and herself to the group are good. I would not want to do anything that might make her hesitant about continuing with the group.

 

I like what a pp said about having her dd and your dd get together.

[*Lulu*]

That is hard because, as others have stated, there is a legitimate grief when you come to terms with the fact that your child may never have the life you hoped they would. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I spent months feeling like I had been run over by life when our oldest started the process of receiving his official diagnosis.

 

Thankfully, at some point I realized that I was fretting over the very thingwe had spent years working for, getting a professional to take seriously our concerns and not just write us off because "he makes eye contact".

 

The realization that you have got to face the reality of the child before you and not the child you'd imagined is a great burden.

 

It is also a great gift.

 

Every parent should recognize the specialness of their child, the strengths, the weaknesses, the passions, the fears. I see parents who are giving thier child the experiences they feel they ought to or they wish they'd had instead of what their child wants and needs. I see parents with teens pushing them down paths to careers that are meant to launch them from the nest but are not what that child needs to soar. In a perfect world, wouldn't every child be treated as who they are and not who someone else hoped they'd be?

 

I think being able to see the positives, get past the disappointment, and enjoying our children for who they are makes a massive difference in how the day in and day out difficulties of parenting children with special needs are managed. That and having support. I leaned on this board heavily in the early days if our diagnosis. Even now, I read a great deal on the learning challanges board when I need inspiration and encouragement. I have the Hive, I have some supportive family, wonderful friends, and a terrific team of PT and OT therapists to bolster me when I think I cannot go any farther.

 

Maybe she is just one of those people who is never really happy.

 

Maybe she is stuck in her disappointment and can be directed to help.

 

Maybe she is just in need of someone hearing her and empathizing.

 

Whatever you perceive it to be as you continue to deal with her, ((hugs)) because it is hard to deal with someone who drains you emotionally even when you really do want to support and help.