lovinmyboys Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I know lots of people here have a spouse who travels/works a lot. How does that parent stay connected to the family? Dh has been gone for more of the kids lives than he has been here. Then, when he is here, he works a lot of hours. When he is here, he is awesome at making sure he spends pretty much all his free time with the family. We go places, he plays games and catch, reads bedtime stories, etc. I don't really know how to explain it...the kids love their dad and are definitely bonded to him. However, when he is gone they never ask for him or seem to miss him. And, for his part, Dh seems to forget what little kids are like while he is gone. When he gets home he is stressed by normal little kid behaviors. I also feel like he doesn't know the kids that well. He is a really good dad-I can't really say anything bad about his parenting. I grew up with a dad who worked 7-3 m-f my whole childhood and was very involved in my life. This isn't our reality and I am trying to figure out how to make the best of it. I guess I think it would be better for the family if he could be around more, but that obviously isn't going to happen anytime soon. How do you keep everyone connected when they are apart? Nothing we have done seems to work. Do you just enjoy each other when you are together and do your own thing when apart? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Would it help for him to talk to the kids every day while he's gone, either over the Internet or on the phone? My dad travelled a huge amount when I was a teenager and his phone calls every day made a difference. If you connect over the internet, he can see everyone (and not forget what kids are like) and it might feel like he's not so far away. I think it's easy for the parent who is far away to get caught up in work and not feel like there's time to call, or it can be hard to deal with huge time zone differences, but I think that even a very short daily connection is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Try to make a point of Skype for a few minutes each day, whenever it fits in for him, such as right after dinner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Oh, one other question. Do you try to keep the rules the same when the other parent is home? Dh and I disagree on a few things and since I am the one here I do things my way. But, then, when he is home, he tries to enforce rules he would like to have but I don't actually have. That frustrates everyone. I would like to just say "we don't do it that way," but he wants to have a say in how things are done. He does have a say, but if he isn't here I am not going to enforce things I don't care about. Should I just work with the kids to understand that rules are fluid depending on circumstances? So, when dad is home, things may be a little different. Or do I just tell Dh that it isn't fair to the kids to change rules when he is home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 DD is gone much of the summer working. One thing that helped though is that he didn't start that job until DD was older, about 10. He had a chance to take a better job that required travel when she was younger, but we decided not to, just for the reasons you are describing. We were worried about bonding, etc. When he is gone, he does nightly calls or Skype. This is mostly for DD as sometimes I don't even feel like talking! ;) Sometimes they even played games over skype when she was younger. Another important thing is that I communicate with him about what is going on with her. If she is going through a phase where she is worried about something, or acting a certain way, or whatever, I talk to him about it. I have to go out of my way to do that. I really think this helps him interact with her (even on the phone or skype) in a way that reflects more knowledge than he would actually have without being home. He knows where she is at right know, if you know what I mean. I think that is really important. Sorry :grouphug: . It's not easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Try to make a point of Skype for a few minutes each day, whenever it fits in for him, such as right after dinner. We do this some. I feel like it is more effort than it is worth, but I may be wrong. The kids go crazy seeing themselves on the screen. You would think the novelty of that would wear off eventually 😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I think you need to have a nightly skype with him. Perhaps you should both talk about the good parts of the day and the bad parts too. Dh needs to see that kids make messes, are loud, etc. and this will help you both vent a bit and give him a reality check on what the difficulties of life with small kids are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Yes, FaceTime and Skype are good ideas. I need to work through the hard parts (finding a time that works for both of us and the increase in energy it gives to the kids). I am grateful to live at a time that it is possible to have very good communication with people far away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beaniemom Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 One thing we have done is set a routine, Daddy does songs and prayers with each child every night. I get the teeth brushing and actual putting to bed. Then when he will be away we record songs and prayers for each child and play it at that time every night. When my dh is away we often have no acess to Skype so if you have a similar routine maybe set the Skype time specifically for this purpose. For your dh, it really is an adjustment period each time. I also gave some different rules than my dh. It can make it hard. If your kids are old enough work together to have a set of "core" rules and put them on the fridge. I keep it simple but this gives some stability. I wouldn't worry to much about them not asking about dh. Kids are often absorbed in the "now" and as long as they seem connected when he is there I think tou guys are fine. It could be they understand your explaination for his absence and accept it. Also the novelty never seems to wear off. My 3 always fight to get more of them than their siblings on the screen when we are able to Skype. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Skype at a convenient time for your DH. Skype to Skype is free, worldwide. My wife went out of town 7 days ago, because her mother was in the hospital. DD was fine until Monday morning and then she was very sad and depressed. I sent a text message to my wife. Previously my messages to her were "We are OK" and about what was going on here. That day, my wife started talking with DD on Skype. Yesterday, almost all day, they had an open connection on Skype. At this time I can hear what is going on in the house where my wife is, about 5 hours from here... Your situation is for a much much longer time frame. Skype is your friend and it is free. Use it as frequently as your DH is available. It will help your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Lanny is right. Skype is a wonderful thing. My only other advice is to get on the same page about the rules. In this, he needs to bend. The reality is you are single parenting, so he needs to acquiesce to what works for you and not have other expectations. It is confusing to kids to have rules for each of parent, and especially when those two parents are still married and maintaining a single home for them. I would say the reason that the kids do not miss him is that simply this has been going on for so much of their young lives, they do not have a framework of ever having daddy around a lot so they are completely adapted to the situation. It might seem sad from your perspective, but it is best for them that they are adapted and do not deal with a lot of emotional fall out when he leaves again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saw Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 There's a fun app called High Low Glitter that I've used with my three big kids, who are all away on various programs this year. We are all part of one group, and each individual is supposed to write about the high point of their day, the low point and the "glitter", or unexpected funky part of the day. Mine don't don't do it every day, because we end up speaking by phone or texting a lot most days, but on those days when they're super-busy with school and activities, it's a great way for us all to keep in touch. I like that it's not just about good parts but also about the down side to the day. I also like that one update from DD in China updates me, her sister and brother. Your kids might be a bit youngish for it, but I imagine they could do it with your help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 My dh travels for work. Lots. My kids never knew anything else, so it seemed normal to them for him to be gone all the time. They talked on the phone quite a bit - skype didn't exist then, but if it had, we would have used it! Rules - you and your dh really need to be on the same page mostly. Some difference is okay, of course, but dh needs to understand that single parenting is HARD!!! You might consider which of his rules you could enforce, but really - you're the Boots on the Ground and you can only do what you can do! This will need a lot of communication between you and dh to keep him in the loop. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 My dh travels for work. Lots. My kids never knew anything else, so it seemed normal to them for him to be gone all the time. They talked on the phone quite a bit - skype didn't exist then, but if it had, we would have used it! Rules - you and your dh really need to be on the same page mostly. Some difference is okay, of course, but dh needs to understand that single parenting is HARD!!! You might consider which of his rules you could enforce, but really - you're the Boots on the Ground and you can only do what you can do! This will need a lot of communication between you and dh to keep him in the loop. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 My husband's travel is sporadic, but when he is in a season of traveling he's gone a lot. He makes a point to call or FaceTime the kids daily, I don't try to have a conversation with him during this time, only act as a translater if he can't understand what they are saying. I let my oldest text dad whenever he wants. Some days that's 8 times, other days it isn't at all. I frequently text pictures of the kids or funny things they say as well. We talk about dad a lot, not in a missing him way but just looking at the map of where he is, guessing where he might eat etc. On longer trips we draw pictures or write notes to share with dad when he gets home. The longest he is gone is usually a week and it takes a day or so to get back in sync with parenting. We have different standards too but are mostly on the same page. I gently remind him of this as he is transisioning back into dad mode. When he is home I try my best to make sure that I'm not completely dumping all parenting duties on him, it is hard when I'm ready for a break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 WhatsApp is extremely popular (I think in Asia and in Europe). My stepson uses it a lot. I thought it was only for text messages, but a few minutes ago DD and my wife had some audio communications with it. It is free. My wife was using it on a Samsung Galaxy (Android) phone and DD was using a Nokia Asha phone,which I believe is a Messaging device related to Microsoft. From what I overheard on this end, it was understandable, but not with the quality of talking on a cell phone. But, it's free... ETA: Skype to Skype calls are usually crystal clear audio. Perfect most of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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