Is this a boy thing vs a girl thing?

[Garga]

My ds is 12 and in 7th grade. Now that he's 12, at church he can choose to stay in his old Wednesday night bible study class or he can choose to move up to "youth." Youth is for middle schoolers but only if they want to come early, and high schoolers. (Once you're in 9th, you must leave the old bible study classes and move up to youth.)

 

In the past couple of weeks, all of his friends have moved up to youth. I didn't even realize it for a while. He didn't even realize it for a while! They just weren't in his class week and week and he finally asked them on a Sunday morning, "Hey, where are you guys on Wednesdays?"

 

I won't do anything about it, but I'm wondering: Why didn't any of them ask my son to come to youth? If these were girls, wouldn't they have all said, "Hey, are you moving up to youth? I'll move up if you move up!" kind of stuff?

 

I guess I'm wondering if my son has been left out on purpose and if so, I might want to try to figure out why. These are kids who have been friends with him since he was 1 and we moved here, so they've been friends for 11 years. Until this youth thing, I thought they were all really tight.

 

Also, and this has me worried: In September, when they were all officially 7th graders, they were moved to the next Sunday School class that has 7th, 8th and 9th graders. All of my son's friends are with him in that class, but after the class he is always subdued. Usually after being around groups of kids he's all chipper and happy, but now he's subdued. When I ask (grill) him if everything is ok, he insists that it is.

 

Oh wait!! Another thing: after that class, I have found him sitting alone while his other friends are gathered around a DS or something together.

 

Oh dang. Typing it out it's clear isn't it? He's being left out. Something has gone wrong and he's not part of his group of friends anymore, is he? Crud. At first I thought that he fact that they all went to youth and didn't tell him was just a guy thing. Girls would totally have talked it over and decided to go together and made a big deal about being in youth together. I thought maybe guys didn't do that. But now I think they just didn't want to ask him and don't care whether he's there or not.

 

Oh dear. Feeling sad now.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can you ask the teacher for his or her opinion on what the dynamics might be?  

[Garga]

Can you ask the teacher for his or her opinion on what the dynamics might be?

I can certainly ask the Wednesday night teacher. He might have insight.

 

The Sunday morning on won't work very well. They keep having different teachers for some reason and he's had 5 different teachers in that class since September, never the same twice in a row. They're always having someone "fill in" for the regular teacher. The regular teacher has rarely been there. I don't know WHAT they're doing over there, but that's a totally different topic!

[Catwoman]

Can you ask the teacher for his or her opinion on what the dynamics might be?

I think this is an excellent idea. If your ds won't talk about it, it might be the only way for you to find out what -- if anything -- is going on.

 

I hope it turns out that he isn't being excluded, but that he is the one who is beginning to prefer a bit of distance from the other boys.

 

But I have to admit that I would be worried, too. :(

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[PeacefulChaos]

Well... I wouldn't think anything based on them moving up.  I can't say that I really see boys doing so as a group - girls, yes.  Boys, meh, they move up when they feel like it.  

 

Is your DS not interested in the same things the other boys are?  That could be a possibility, as well.  With the instance of them all 'excluding' him, it could actually be that he isn't interested, either.  

 

Idk.  Kids are weird.  :lol:  

[Garga]

Well... I wouldn't think anything based on them moving up. I can't say that I really see boys doing so as a group - girls, yes. Boys, meh, they move up when they feel like it.

 

Is your DS not interested in the same things the other boys are? That could be a possibility, as well. With the instance of them all 'excluding' him, it could actually be that he isn't interested, either.

 

Idk. Kids are weird. :lol:

This is good to think about. See, part of me thinks as you're saying, "Well, as they get older, they might still like each other, but naturally fall into different interests." And it's good to know that you think boys would just move up whenever they thought about and not think to ask the other boys to come with them.

 

The protective mama part of me worries that something has happened to exclude him.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Arcadia]

Oh wait!! Another thing: after that class, I have found him sitting alone while his other friends are gathered around a DS or something together.

Does your son have a DS or Wii or Xbox or whatever? Knowing the latest Wii or Xbox games were ice-breakers for my boys when meeting up with boys from public/private schools.

Boys would come up to me to chat when I am gaming but not girls.

 

Boys do have group mentality too. I have plenty of male cousins and seen it happen.

 

ETA:

Girls seems more intentional though than boys in excluding people.

[Farrar]

Having taught slightly awkward middle school boys, I'll agree that you shouldn't jump to conclusions too much. I've had many a conversation with a 12 yo boy where i said something like, "Did you mean to leave out soandso when you started playing basketball at lunch/planning that gaming club/sharing those cookies?" and gotten a blank look followed by, "Oh, um, no." and a rectifying of the situation. Not always - sometimes it's growing apart or purposeful exclusion or something... just... I do think kids this age can be really thick. Thicker than when they're younger.

 

Also, even if they have been excluding him, coming in like a mama bear won't necessarily fix it. Especially if it's not out of cruelty but rather because they have a shared interest in something your ds doesn't or because as they grow up friend personalities tend to matter a little more.

 

 

[kewb]

Never apply malice when stupidity will suffice.

Most likely there was not a secret meeting to exclude your son. Your son didn't even notice at first that they were gone.

Many factors at play here. Hormomes, changing interests, awkward trying to fit in stuff, group dynamics.

Have you talked with him about his thoughts on his friends switching classes or if he feels like he wants to switch?

[Reefgazer]

Instead of asking "Is everything OK?", could you perhaps ask "What happened between our friends and you that you no longer hang out with them?"  IOW, make it the assumption that something happened and give him the clear opening to tell you what. 

My ds is 12 and in 7th grade. Now that he's 12, at church he can choose to stay in his old Wednesday night bible study class or he can choose to move up to "youth." Youth is for middle schoolers but only if they want to come early, and high schoolers. (Once you're in 9th, you must leave the old bible study classes and move up to youth.)

In the past couple of weeks, all of his friends have moved up to youth. I didn't even realize it for a while. He didn't even realize it for a while! They just weren't in his class week and week and he finally asked them on a Sunday morning, "Hey, where are you guys on Wednesdays?"

I won't do anything about it, but I'm wondering: Why didn't any of them ask my son to come to youth? If these were girls, wouldn't they have all said, "Hey, are you moving up to youth? I'll move up if you move up!" kind of stuff?

I guess I'm wondering if my son has been left out on purpose and if so, I might want to try to figure out why. These are kids who have been friends with him since he was 1 and we moved here, so they've been friends for 11 years. Until this youth thing, I thought they were all really tight.

Also, and this has me worried: In September, when they were all officially 7th graders, they were moved to the next Sunday School class that has 7th, 8th and 9th graders. All of my son's friends are with him in that class, but after the class he is always subdued. Usually after being around groups of kids he's all chipper and happy, but now he's subdued. When I ask (grill) him if everything is ok, he insists that it is.

Oh wait!! Another thing: after that class, I have found him sitting alone while his other friends are gathered around a DS or something together.

Oh dang. Typing it out it's clear isn't it? He's being left out. Something has gone wrong and he's not part of his group of friends anymore, is he? Crud. At first I thought that he fact that they all went to youth and didn't tell him was just a guy thing. Girls would totally have talked it over and decided to go together and made a big deal about being in youth together. I thought maybe guys didn't do that. But now I think they just didn't want to ask him and don't care whether he's there or not.

Oh dear. Feeling sad now.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well, from my limited perspective, I think you might be overthinking this.

 

 

[J-rap]

You might be overthinking it.  Also, if you asked your son what was going on, he probably wouldn't even know.  Does it bother him, or does it bother just you?  I would talk to the teacher to see if she has any ideas.  If it is bothering your son, I'd reassure him that he's still a great kid!  My son was a little bit of a loner at that age.  He had a couple close friends, but just was never a group person.  He was content with that.  I didn't always understand it when he was young, but now that he is older and his personality is "set," it all makes sense to me in hindsight.  He's a very thoughtful, creative perfectionist -- :).  If you think it is bothering him, then bring it up and help talk him through it.  You can walk through different situations, and even role-play.  But most importantly, I think you should continue to build him up and help him feel confident in who he is.  It's okay if he isn't into all the typical boy-group stuff.