Laurie4b Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 You don't know what you will do until you have to do it. I agree. This happens in many areas of our lives. People are not particularly good at predicting what they will do in a given situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I dunno. I'm pretty sure of what I would do - and I'm just about as sure that I'll never have to deal with it. Others may not be. What anyone does is totally up to them IMO. But if our partnership gets broken, it's broken. Period. Richer/poorer? BTDT no big deal. Sickness/health? Would be there. Him (or me) with another? It's not "us" and wouldn't be "us" anymore. People are wired differently. I know my wiring. I'm not dependent enough on anyone to keep with them if I don't want to. I wouldn't need it financially. I wouldn't need it for the kids. I wouldn't need it for a place to live. I wouldn't need it for the companionship. We stick together because we love each other and want to. We're best pals/friends as well as partners. If that were to change - it's over. I'm ok if other choose differently due to their differing needs or different wiring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 You don't know what you will do until you have to do it. The judgements in this conversation are killing me....of the spouse who stays, and the spouse who cheats. True, and it is an individual decision (to stay or to leave if a spouse betrayed). Perhaps what the other poster meant is that she could not imagine staying because she would feel someone made a fool of her. I view this thread as more reflective of what we think we would do. For a few who have experienced this situation, it is what they have done. Mercy and Grace are often something we feel others don't deserve until we need it ourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 My relationship with hubs is the same as Creekland describes with hers. I am not is a siruation where I am that dependent on my husband to have to have to stay. We choose each other. We are best friends. I will not settle for less. I know myself well enough to know that I am not capable of remaining, dealing with the loss of trust. Dh feels the same. We discussed this line in the sand when we talked about marriage before becoming engaged so we knew each other's expectations before we said I do. I have known others that did not feel so strongly and could overcome the betrayal. I have known more who were not able, but stayed due to dependency. It did not work out well for either spouse or the children. Maybe the key to how it works out is the offending spouse knowing the other could leave thus more of an incentive to work on it. I don't know. I just know my now my relationship and my own mind and heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 People who get cheated on are not fools. A "fool" and "make a fool out of me" are not the same thing to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 My relationship with hubs is the same as Creekland describes with hers. I am not is a siruation where I am that dependent on my husband to have to have to stay. We choose each other. We are best friends. I will not settle for less. I know myself well enough to know that I am not capable of remaining, dealing with the loss of trust. Dh feels the same. We discussed this line in the sand when we talked about marriage before becoming engaged so we knew each other's expectations before we said I do. I have known others that did not feel so strongly and could overcome the betrayal. I have known more who were not able, but stayed due to dependency. It did not work out well for either spouse or the children. Maybe the key to how it works out is the offending spouse knowing the other could leave thus more of an incentive to work on it. I don't know. I just know my now my relationship and my own mind and heart. I get your and creekland's POV too. It is too precious to be anything less. I think some people, be it for economical reasons or otherwise, choose to try again - some with success, some in vain but perhaps with good intentions. Now I should bow out too since I have not BTDT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I know that there are some marriages that HAVE survived an affair. I know that mine could not. We've worked through some pretty serious trouble and we were even separated and one court date from a divorce at one point. We recovered, and have been married for 22 years, 7 since the separation. I love him dearly. But if there was an affair, it would wreck me and would destroy my ability to stay married to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I don't think its a fair assumption to think people are trying to make it work because they're dependant somehow... I think thats probably way off the mark in many (most?) cases. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I don't think its a fair assumption to think people are trying to make it work because they're dependant somehow... I think thats probably way off the mark in many (most?) cases. Agree....circumstances and couples vary so much, and I don't think there's an absolute answer to whether they should stay together or not. Without going into too many details, we had an 'incident' early in our marriage. We both had good jobs, no kids yet, hadn't purchased a home yet, so in many ways it would have been fairly easy to go our separate ways. But, after a lot of prayer and a year of professional counseling, together and separately, we decided we did love each other and wanted to make things work. It was a one-time event that was way out of character for the person involved. It took time, but our communication and understanding of each other did greatly improve. We are best friends today and don't have lingering trust issues. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary, and I am so thankful we decided to stay together. So yes, IME, a marriage can survive and thrive after an affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmomma Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I have known three that did. One couple managed to create a decent relationship. The other two "survived" and by that I mean that they decided either for finances or for kids that they would not divorce. The couple was very depressed to continue living with each other and were a shell of a marriage. Later when their kids became adults, they said they would have preferred their parents divorce. Though the parents tried to be cordial, kids pick up on this stuff and it's emotionally draining to them. They sense "faking it" as well. So, very mixed results. One would have to decide what their meaning of "success" would be. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 This is why so many therapists and counselors recommend not having close friendships with the opposite sex. Marriage doesn't suddenly put a force field around the partners. They have to make a conscious effort to set boundaries of what is and what isn't appropriate. And those boundaries should be something far more innocent than "I won't have sex with other people." It's the sharing and intimacy of a close friendship that creates the affair. I mean, that's dating, after all. By the time the cheat can rationalize actual sex, the relationship is usually well-established... I know I have shared this story before. When I lived in AZ, and was married to my kids' Dad, things were hard. :) There was a time when I felt an attraction to a man in AA. He had an English degree. ;) We talked about a lot of things. I felt giddy and feminine around him. I found myself dressing with more intentionality and wearing makeup and going to meetings hoping he'd be there. I had to *intentionally* and deliberately stop my thinking and behavior in order to turn around the (what I believe) to be the natural process of attraction leading to intimacy. Honestly, there were already reasons/justifications that seeking outside the marriage affirmation would have been understandable, but it still would have been a violation of the vows and agreement as I understood our agreement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Joanne, I had a similar experience with a co-worker. And frankly, my marriage wasn't even rocky or distant or anything. It was just…eh. Stale? Trap wasn't doing anything wrong, but a new attraction is exciting. It's fun. It makes us feel desirable. And It's still full of possibilities of being everything we've ever wanted. Trap commented on my attention to appearance one day, though and it registered in my head what I was actually doing. I sure wasn't being mindful for him, contrary to what he thought. Fortunately, I had the perspective of having watched a friend's marriage go through the exact, same thing recently. So we talked about it and while there was definitely a part of me that wanted to be selfish and keep my new…whatever it was…going, I knew I had to be a grown-up and deliberately create that distance, just like you were talking about. But, consequently, I can see how very easy it is to make a new connection with someone that is fun and consuming and even fulfilling. And it doesn't take much to convince ourselves that we deserve something like this. Nor does it take much to make the new (though quite fake at that point) relationship seem so much better than the existing one... And it was all on me. My husband wasn't doing anything wrong. He had no idea what was going on entirely within my own head. For that matter, I didn't even realize I was looking until it fell it my lap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Berta Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I put up with a lot of garbage in my first marriage but I drew the line on another woman. My answer is absolutely NO WAY would I even think about working on a marriage built on that kind of deceit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I know of three marriages where the man has had an affair, and it is known throughout the circle of friends that he cheated, and the marriage has stayed together. Two of them appear fine, and one they appear to be thriving. But all three have children, and sometimes I wonder if they are staying together just until the kids are out of school. Time will tell. Interestingly, in the marriages where I know the woman cheated, all have gotten divorced. I don't know what I would do if my husband had an affair. I might be able to forgive and not hate him as a person, but I wouldn't be able to forget and have complete trust again. I don't think I could ever sleep with him again, and I don't think he could live in a marriage without sex. It would just never ever be the same. We would likely muddle through until the kids are up and out and then separate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
txmom23 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Yes. I would recommend following the guidelines in Marriage Builders. It has greatly improved our marriage. There are very specific things that need to be done in order to restore a broken marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 A very good friend and her husband fought like crazy to save their marriage. They started intensive counseling because there were A LOT of serious issues. They basically changed their entire lives to save the marriage. They have worked very hard and were both 100% commited. I truly think they are the exception. But they are also a testimony that even badly damaged marriages can survive. God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Just something I am wondering due to something a friend is dealing with. I'll say yes, but both parties much be willing to do the work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 This has been a very interesting discussion - thanks for all of the replies! I can tell you my friend never expected any of this - she is floored. And she, too, said she would kick him to the curb if he ever cheated. And now here she is and she has not, at least yet. So I do think it is VERY true that if you haven't walked in the same shoes you truly do not know what you would do in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Yes. I would recommend following the guidelines in Marriage Builders. It has greatly improved our marriage. There are very specific things that need to be done in order to restore a broken marriage.I've heard a number of people over the years, both those affected by infidelity as well as counselors, recommend Marriage Builders... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 This has been a very interesting discussion - thanks for all of the replies! I can tell you my friend never expected any of this - she is floored. And she, too, said she would kick him to the curb if he ever cheated. And now here she is and she has not, at least yet. So I do think it is VERY true that if you haven't walked in the same shoes you truly do not know what you would do in the end. I think it's totally up to her what she decides to do. Others have shown the marriage can be saved if she's interested in that (him too I suppose). What I wrote in my posts was for ME. We're all different and get to make our own choices based upon what we want and what we feel is important. I'd support any of my friends regardless of which direction they chose (BTDT). I firmly believe in to each our own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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