BarbecueMom Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 ... that they really need to see a therapist. It seems a nearly textbook case of a personality disorder, and the characteristics/symptoms are really starting to interfere with work, friendships, and family relationships. Single adult. Lives in my house (can't function well enough to live alone, likely due to said disorder). Would likely be offended if I bluntly said, "You should seek help before you lose your job or someone loses their patience at you." Would also think this is me trying to kick the person out, which isn't really true. I'd like this person to be capable of living on their own, even if we all decided it's best to keep the living arrangement as is. It does have its perks for everyone. This person would probably see what I was saying if given the list of characteristics and, though offended, agree with me about counseling or therapy, but I don't know if telling my armchair diagnosis would be best or if I should let a proper psychologist sort that out. Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat because they are actually part of the person's personality. Most are never diagnosed because the person will not seek help. It's too much like saying, "At your base core, you are not right and no one likes you." It's not going to be taken well. If this person is having behavioral difficulties, you might approach it as, "You are really struggling with this specific situation/problem/aspect of life. Let's get you some help finding better ways to deal with that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Um... I was about to say that you can't really until you said the person lives in your house. Is this a dependent or a relative? Maybe... "I love you and see you struggling sometimes in your interactions. You don't always seem happy. Have you ever thought about getting some professional help?" You say that it's really a gentle suggestion, but if the person is living with you and you might eventually want them to leave, I wonder if it's really more of a directive. Do you have financial power over this person? Are you providing for them? This sounds like a really tricky situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 IME there is no gentle way to tell anyone anything they don't want to hear. No matter how gracious, how loving, or how understanding you may be, people have a way of filtering what you really said so that they don't have to listen. That doesn't mean don't tell people things they need to know, but I am learning that if I have to say something someone doesn't want to hear to say it in a way that reflects my character and that I can live with later. I also say things for maximum impact. If I am going to say something someone doesn't want to hear, I say it bluntly enough that I won't be misunderstood. Then I have to let it go and let people live their own lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 Um... I was about to say that you can't really until you said the person lives in your house. Is this a dependent or a relative? Maybe... "I love you and see you struggling sometimes in your interactions. You don't always seem happy. Have you ever thought about getting some professional help?" You say that it's really a gentle suggestion, but if the person is living with you and you might eventually want them to leave, I wonder if it's really more of a directive. Do you have financial power over this person? Are you providing for them? This sounds like a really tricky situation. It's a parent. She pays a certain amount each month toward shared expenses, and covers her own car/insurance/incidentals. She doesn't make enough to live alone, nor can she take care of her own place without constantly asking my brother or DH to help. I think part of the money situation is because whatever is going on in her brain won't let her consider making changes to be self-supporting. Needs to be taken care of, rather than the caretaker, although I doubt this has ever been a conscious thought. It's not that I want her to leave. I don't want her to feel, because of a personality disorder or any other circumstances, that she must stay here, or for us to feel that she has nowhere to go if things deteriorate or god forbid something happened to us. Does that make sense? Among many other "problems", I am being asked to be relied on for things, like work-related confidences and financial decision making, that are normally reserved for spouses and partners. I have my own spouse for those things. When I put that boundary in place, she'll move on to my brother, who is far less capable of handling it. He has mental health concerns of his own. I want her to talk to someone before that happens. The dependency really needs to stop before someone blows up. DH had been a saint about all this, but even she is starting to notice his acting distant lately on "bad days". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 If you figure it out, LMK. My dad springs to mind. We just set boundaries, meet him where he is at and hope. And privately blow off steam. Nothing we have said has motivated him to see anyone for mental health. And truthfully, it helps to see my own counselor. It's hard to have family you can't help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Nope, I'd never tell the person in my life that I'm very certain has a personality disorder that she needs therapy. It would simply be another thing she would hold against me for the rest of her life. Treating a personality disorder is very very difficult and that's when the person actually wants help and can acknowledge they have a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 In your particular case, because it's your mom, I would say that you should keep your mouth shut about it. It would be hard to bring it up without hurting her feelings. If your father isn't in the picture, I'm not sure why you wouldn't expect that she wouldn't discuss things like financial decisions with you. She lives in your home and you are her family. I don't know about the personality disorder thing, because you haven't really described what she's doing. If you don't mind my asking this, how old is your mom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 If she didn't live with you, I would say keep your mouth shut, or not saying anything beyond a vague sort of we would support you in getting help since you're struggling when the moment might be right. But since she lives with you, it seems like you have to do something to make sure that either the living situation can be stable or that she'll be able to be cared for or self-sufficient. If she stays with you and the whole situation degrades over time to the point that it's destructive to you, to your family, to your marriage, and even to her, then that's not going to do anyone any favors. Still, you can't force someone to get treatment. I think you can only evaluate your own boundaries and what you can do. Where is your line? Where do you feel like you have to say no more? What are you willing to do and not do? How will you know if she has become a real problem for your family and what responses will you have ready? Is there a point at which she would need to be doing certain things in order to continue to stay? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted August 21, 2014 Author Share Posted August 21, 2014 In your particular case, because it's your mom, I would say that you should keep your mouth shut about it. It would be hard to bring it up without hurting her feelings. If your father isn't in the picture, I'm not sure why you wouldn't expect that she wouldn't discuss things like financial decisions with you. She lives in your home and you are her family. I don't know about the personality disorder thing, because you haven't really described what she's doing. If you don't mind my asking this, how old is your mom? Mid 50s. Hits most of the marks on Dependent Personality Disorder, except those which are downright unethical or malicious (so no stealing, harassment, etc.). In regards to the financial decisions, she wants me to make the decisions for her. But if she doesn't like the decision I made, because in her words I'm stingy (which I later found out meant that I don't making money decisions based on feelings... um, duh?), she will then do whatever and complain that the best case scenario of someone magically forgiving her loan didn't work out. I'm not willing to play that game, not now that we are under the same roof and I can't just not answer the phone. There are other things besides this, like answering for the kids when we try to talk to them over dinner, that are minor attention seeking things, but are really about to set either DH or me off. Honestly, the behavior and mannerisms seem to be getting progressively more like the expected behavior from an immature 11-year-old. I don't think I can ignore it much longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Wait until she is searching for help/advice, and then refuse to be her source of information/consolation/support. Instead, refer her out to a more knowledgable source. "Gosh Mom, I'm really not sure how to direct you. Maybe you should talk with a financial advisor. Want me to look up some numbers for you?" "Gee Mom, I wish I knew how to help you with that relationship issue. Maybe a counselor could help. I know of a great one on Main street. Want me to write down her info for you?" "Wow Mom, that sounds really stressful. I wish I had more advice for you. Do you think talking with the pastor at Saint Something would help?" "Oh Mom, you seem terribly down lately. Maybe we should make an appointment with your doctor to see if there is anything they can do to help. May I make the call for you?" And when all else fails ""Mom, I'm not comfortable talking about this. Could you pass the bean dip?" You are not responsible for any reaction she has to your boundaries, including turning to your brother for boundary-crossing support. Your job is to protect yourself and your family. ((Hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 How long has your mother exhibited these behaviors? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 How long has your mother exhibited these behaviors? I didn't notice the extent of the neediness and dependency until a few years ago when my brother got ready to graduate high school. Then moving in here (which happened pretty suddenly for financial reasons) meant my brother had to move out on his own, and that was difficult for her. Their relationship is pretty codependent and not healthy. Anxiety as far back as I can remember. I think she's been medicated for that for seven or eight years now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I didn't notice the extent of the neediness and dependency until a few years ago when my brother got ready to graduate high school. Then moving in here (which happened pretty suddenly for financial reasons) meant my brother had to move out on his own, and that was difficult for her. Their relationship is pretty codependent and not healthy. Anxiety as far back as I can remember. I think she's been medicated for that for seven or eight years now. Has she seen a doctor for a full medical work up and blood work? I think of hormonal imbalances as a possible issue. I had a friend that had a terrible time with menopause and was NOT her normal self. That would be a good place to start even if it isn't a physical issue. Maybe if she went for a full physical and blood work and that was normal at the follow up the DOCTOR could suggest counseling, etc. and that way you are not the bad guy............and if something physical does show up, that would need to be treated first anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I second a full dr evaluation. My grandmother exhibited early dementia symptoms for a loooooooooong time. Like two decades. Nobody believed me. Nevertheless, I saw clearly that her anxiety and paranoia was getting noticeable, and getting progressively worse. Also the dependent behaviors. She became especially dependent upon her youngest daughter, wanting to be given directions or orders for everything. She was happy to just serve her daughter. Her daughter alternated between taking blatant advantage of her mother and being thoroughly irritated by her mother. Once it became apparent that grandma was actually, really suffering dementia, hindsight showed many, many areas in which the decline could be seen over a long span of time. I can trace some of these symptoms to when she was in her late fifties and early sixties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Could you frame it as wanting to get along with her better? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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