Pondering school choices for next year.....

[HSmomof2]

I'll try to keep this a brief as possible. My dd will be in 4th grade next year, and ds in 6th. Sixth grade here starts middle school. We've had a tough time finding friends throughout our time homeschooling, despite being involved in many groups and activities. We have lots of acquaintances. Ds had two close friends, both of whom have moved to different states. Ds is very friendly, outgoing, and extroverted. During the school year, he has some type of activity every day--with many of the same kids. This summer, though, he's telling me how lonely he is. We went to a BBQ for his taekwondo school. I overheard him talking to a new boy there, and when this boy asked ds where he went to school, ds said the middle school. I didn't say anything to him at the time, but asked him about it later. He said he's embarrassed to say he's homeschooled and feels like people will think he's weird if they know. He says he would like to go to school next year but is afraid. He briefly attended a private school in 4th grade and had a pretty severe situation of being bullied by two boys.

 

I have really mixed feelings about what to do. On the one hand, I see why he is feeling lonely. I see the numbers of homeschoolers his age dwindling as they go to school. I really don't know if I can provide for his social needs at this age. On the other hand, middle school is such a tough age. Would going to school be a bad choice at this age? From what I've heard, our local middle school is pretty good, has a very involved and firm principal. Academically it's ok. I feel kind of between a rock and hard place. If he goes to middle school, I think this would be the year to start, since the sixth graders are feeding in from five elementary schools. He may not feel like the new kid as much. But, if we do try school, and it's a bad fit for him, we will have lost our place in our co-op and other homeschool classes---all the co-ops/classes here have waiting lists. Any suggestions or experiences welcome.

[Starr]

I wouldn't want to send a child to middle school but other think differently.  :grouphug: Middle school is when life went crazy here with home school bullying.

[CrunchyGirl]

At that age I'd take his feelings heavily into account. If he wants to try school, let him try it. Give it an honest shot and don't worry about the waiting list issue. You can deal with that later if it becomes necessary. In reality this experience is probably going to shift everyone's perspective anyway. Even if he ends up coming home, the classes and activities you have him in now may not be a good fit going forward.

[HSmomof2]

We hadn't planned to send him in middle school, probably high school. But three more years with the struggle the last five have been socially for ds is a long time. Dd is much quieter, easygoing, and content to do things on her own or with a friend. I truly think she'd do fine in any school setting.

[MiMi 4under3]

DD12 started middle school this past January because according to her, I "kept her cooped up in the house all day without seeing any other people." :o 

 

She said she didn't mind homeschooling, but wanted to make new friends. We let her try it, and she's happy to have something to call her own. She's made the friends she'd been longing for - and has grown socially and academically. 

 

Ideally, I wish she was still home, but school is the best option for her at this time.

[Reefgazer]

Do you have the option of enrolling him in individual classes at a local private school?  The option of playing sports with the local public school?  I think many boys bond over sports.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Can you put feelers out in your co-op group and classes and find out how many other boys his age are enrolled? Maybe you can start some kind of club for boys of the same age? Surely many of the other boys his age are in the same situation.

 

What outside activities does he do? I think some lend themselves to making friends more than others. My kids do swim and the team hosts team events for the kids to get together, which gives them time to get to know each other. They also have vast chasms of time to fill at swim meets while they wait for their events. This is where my DS has made his best friends, and they all go to PS. In fact, LOL, my kids have never really had good friends who homeschool. Weird.

 

Lately I have been considering starting up a group (DIY.org club, Curiosity Hacked, Destination Imagination) especially to give my kids, particularly my DS11 (going into 6th grade also) more diverse outside opportunities. I would like him to meet a broader group of people as he gets older. We are also looking at volunteer opportunities.

 

You may have answered this but does your son crave lots of friends or does he just need one good friend? If the former, I would consider school more seriously. If the latter, I would work hard to find that single strong connection. Personally though, I prefer to avoid middle school. I don't like the dynamic, for starters, and I think academics are generally weak.

 

Also, I would work hard on having him look at the positive side of being homeschooled. My kids tell everyone and every single time the other kid had expressed envy.

[Alte Veste Academy]

You say he is lonely now, but is he happy during the school year? The answer may lie in finding him summer camps and activities, not necessarily putting him in school.

[HSmomof2]

Our closest private school doesn't have part-time attendance for homeschoolers. He could attend public school part-time. He's not really athletic, at least not team sports, but he could be in band and/or PE. I don't know if he'd want to do this or feel too out of place, but it would be a possibility.

[HSmomof2]

During the school year, he's expressed feeling lonely off and on. More so lately that he doesn't have anything to talk about with the ps kids at his activities. And he thinks they think he's weird because he's homeschooled (no one has said this, though). He has one close friend at church (the only other child his age that attends). He usually spends the afternoon with this boy either at his house or ours. That's just once per week though, as this boy goes to ps and lives about 20 miles from us. There are a couple kids in our neighborhood that he plays with but they're a few years younger.

 

For activities, we do a weekly co-op, taekwondo twice/week, Awana, homeschool PE twice/week, a weekly writing class, weekly art class, and music lessons.

[Alte Veste Academy]

During the school year, he's expressed feeling lonely off and on. More so lately that he doesn't have anything to talk about with the ps kids at his activities. And he thinks they think he's weird because he's homeschooled (no one has said this, though). He has one close friend at church (the only other child his age that attends). He usually spends the afternoon with this boy either at his house or ours. That's just once per week though, as this boy goes to ps and lives about 20 miles from us. There are a couple kids in our neighborhood that he plays with but they're a few years younger.

 

For activities, we do a weekly co-op, taekwondo twice/week, Awana, homeschool PE twice/week, a weekly writing class, weekly art class, and music lessons.

About having nothing to talk to the PS kids about... Others may disagree, but I deliberately expose my kids to "normal" pop culture stuff. I keep it in balance, but I think it does kids a disservice if they feel they have nothing in common with 95% of their peers. What are kids at his activities into? I would find out and encourage him to familiarize himself with those things. Surely some common ground can be found? Minecraft and Poke'mon are big here with my son's friends. DS is into LEGO/Mindstorms, along with almost ever other tween boy on the planet. Anyway, it sounds like your DS would have more friendships if he felt more confident and less different. Just to be clear, I think it is fine to be different, and I wouldn't allow my kids to fake interest in things to gain friends. But they don't. DS is interested in these mainstream things.

 

Also (and keep in mind I know nothing about your DS, so I mean no offense!), does he need any coaching on starting and maintaining conversation? You can be extroverted and still need explicit help with tools of friendship. Recently, after noticing that one boy my DS wanted to strike up a conversation with (by talking about things he liked and thought would interest the other boy) wasn't warming up, I told him that a big secret of friendship is to try not to talk too much about yourself, but to ask questions, because (generally) people like to talk about their own interests and feel friendly when people listen to them. He actually looked shocked, LOL, like this had never occurred to him.

 

Anyway, your DS feels he has little in common, but won't that be a problem in school too? That is a lot of activities and interaction, so maybe he just needs a self-esteem boost and an "in" to conversation. Another thought is (and keep in mind that I am unfamiliar with the dynamics of some of these activities) that this is a great set of activities but pretty scheduled/organized, I would think. Another idea is to look for outside activities with more non-instructional down time for kids to chat and play together?

[HSmomof2]

I 'think' he's fine initiating and carrying on conversations. He seems to be well-liked at co-op and his other classes. But, I will do some more observing of his interactions with others. We also don't shelter them completely from 'pop culture'.....he plays Minecraft, has Pokémon cards, they watch the Disney channel, etc. His self-esteem really took a hit after the bullying, and I think he is really afraid of that happening again. He was actually punched, kicked, choked (in the classroom) and ambushed in the restroom at the private "Christian" school he attended on multiple occasions. His teacher witnessed all but the bathroom incident and said it was completely unprovoked, yet nothing happened to the boys involved. Anyway, ds did have about 8 months of counseling after that because he was having panic attacks and nightmares. He's doing a lot better, but I've noticed he's not as comfortable around groups of kids as he was before. I think that's where he's struggling now. He says he'd really like to try school, but can't go through something like that again. I agree, that would be emotionally devastating to him.....and with the general middle school environment, I think he's more likely to run into trouble there than in high school. Still, I don't want him 'not' to do something just because he's afraid of the possible 'what if's'.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Wow, hsmomof2! I am so sorry he had such a terrible experience! That is appalling. I am disgusted that anyone would get away with that, especially when it was witnessed by teachers. I think it is remarkable, in a positive way, that your DS is willing to try school again.

 

I hope you find a solution.

[Mandy in TN]

Maybe he needs some more counseling? Although it is more obvious in girls, boys also go through changes as they enter puberty that impact their moods, and young people go through shifts in how they see the world. When these things happen, sometimes they also dredge up things from the past. Because of his past experience with bullying, lying about where he attends school to avoid peer disapproval would concern me. I don't know that I would want him in middle school when he can't even stand up for himself over something so minor. What kinds of trouble could he get into in middle school while doing and saying things in order to fit in?

 

Rather than talking-about-it-counseling (which may be exactly what he needs now), at some point maybe he could go to life-coach-transitions-counseling before transitioning into a classroom.

HTH-

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

Double Post

[snowbeltmom]

 

Therefore, if you give traditional school a try, set realistic expectations for your kid and yourself.

 

:iagree:

 

In my kids' experiences, it can be difficult to make friends during the school day because the kids don't have much time to socialize, even during lunch.  When my kids were in public school, their friendships were formed during the after-school activities.

 

Is there anyone that your son knows from his current activities that he would like to get to know better?  Maybe invite a couple of boys out to play putt-putt or over to your house to play video games, etc.

 

Imo, I also wouldn't read too much into the conversation you heard where your son said he went to the middle school instead of saying he was homeschooled.  My kids hate to get the "dreaded question" of where they go to school because 95% of the time, the reaction is not a positive one.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Luckymama]

And remember, every kid at that age, even the "popular" ones, feels like the odd ball.

 

Dd began homeschooling in fifth grade. She missed her friends during the day, but realized they only could talk the few minutes before school started, during lunch/recess, and on the way out of the building at pickup time. Those friends were more the friends-of-convenience, the ones with school only in common. Her true friends were involved in the same activities----ballet, Girl Scouts, and FLL.

 

Summers were more difficult, especially since her very best friend moved far away. She would do a few day camps and go to camp (and later, intensive) at ballet. I had to make an effort to get her together with a friend or friends on the off weeks. Once she hit the summer after sixth grade, she and her friends would schedule getting together, as by then they all were allowed to text or email. That helped a lot.

[mom2scouts]

My dad was a middle school teacher for many years.  He had one request if I ever decided to put my children back into school.  He asked me to put them back in elementary or high school, but NOT middle school.  I also have a son that age and I understand about the difficulty finding friends as they get older, but I would look in other places.  However, you have to listen to your child and do what is best for your family.

[Chris in VA]

You can see by my signature below that we put dd in school in 5th grade (3rd, too, but homeschooled 4th). I really wanted to pull her in 7th grade, simply because middle school is a tough time, and I wanted to protect her a bit and build her up a bit.

 

I wish with all my heart I had.

 

Middle school starts in 7th here--it's 7th and 8th, at the same school as the high school (they are on separate sides of the same building). The kids don't really mix.

 

7th grade was ok--she did fine academically, and hung around with the same kids as she knew in elementary school. The school intentionally put kids from the same elementary school in the same locker corridors, to ease the transition.

 

Then 8th grade--she started honors courses, and I thought had some pretty "good" kids to hang around with at school. Academically, it was ok--not as rigorous as I'd like, except for math, but still solid. She seemed to thrive.

 

But what really happened socially was that the values we had demonstrated and taught at home and at church/youth group were totally and completely trashed. (I mean primarily the boy/girl stuff, but also other things--not everyone, but really, so many!) She started listening more to what she was surrounded with 7hours a day than what she'd grown up with for years.

That's the power of the peer group at school.

 

I had been worried about bullying, but after her successful social entry in elementary, that worry subsided. She didn't have the perceived social "disadvantages" of some--I mean, she didn't have any obvious things to pick on, like the way she looked or spoke or interacted. That sort of lulled me into thinking it'd be ok; I was concentrating on the bullying and not on the total experience.

 

So, while we got through everything, and, who knows what homeschooling her might have done negatively, I do really wish we'd just kept the homeschooling course. There were definite advantages to sending her, but socialization was NOT one of them.

 

I know you can't generalize from personal experience, but honestly, I'd wait until high school in your situation. Keep doing the activities you are doing (as long as they are fulfilling and all that)--sometimes it takes a couple of years or even longer for kids to deepen friendships.

 

 

[almondbutterandjelly]

Is there a different private school he could go to?  Or one of those University Model schools?  And always keep in mind that you can pull him out if things go bad.  (Remember to get the tuition insurance so you're not on the hook if you do pull him out.)  Bullies can be anywhere, but aren't necessarily everywhere.  Best wishes for you all.  ((hugs))

[LLMom]

I think you are right that 6th grade is the time to send them if you do so he won't feel so new.  I think it is best to listen to the child's wants at this age. I put one of mine in at middle school.  She loves it, and it has helped our relationship.  She is a very social kid.  Remember nothing is permanent.  

[HSmomof2]

Thank you all for your replies and wisdom...dh and I are talking and praying about our options for next year.