Parenting a Choleric

[dauphin]

Or DISC type D. Or Lion. Or Rabbit (Pooh personality types-HA!).

 

Obviously, I'm not. 

 

DD's personality type seems to be becoming more distinguishable (she is 11) and so are the more "difficult" parts (as being personality traits and not simply contrariness, etc.).

 

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here ATM. I remembered reading the 4 types a long time ago and thinking they were fascinating, but...boy...those Cholerics.... ;). Anyway, the subject has come up again in trying to understand and better parent our oldest daughter. I was talking with friends in terms of the MB personality types and I'm definitely not as familiar with that as I am with the 4 temperament types. So I couldn't pin down DD at ALL. When someone pointed out how my descriptors fit a Choleric type, it was like a light bulb "OH!" moment. These are traits, tendencies! That can be addressed while we continue to support the strengths (which are actually strengths, even though they can look like weaknesses at times if not used with judgment).

 

So any words of wisdom? Encouragement? Have you successfully reared a Choleric through college and beyond? Are you a Choleric parented by a non-Choleric? What would you (or your parents ;) ) say you needed most? This may be common anyway, but what about when they are firstborn? And/or gifted? Guesses at MB type?

 

TIA!!!

 

 

 

 

[Garga]

I read your post and thought, "I'm not choleric. I can't help."

 

And then I took a personality test and ... I'm choleric!! I thought, "No way! This isn't me! Ugh!!!!" But when I thought about it in Winnie The Pooh terms, I am totally Rabbit. Hands down. I just don't want to be Rabbit. But I am.

 

I have no advice. What is the specific issue you're dealing with? I need specifics.

[Garga]

Geesh, I never even heard that term.

 

I think you do need to be more specific. I did look the word up, but there were several adjectives associated with that type.

In the ancient world someone came up with 4 personality types. They can be summed up as:

 

Are you Pooh?

Are you Piglet?

Are you Tigger?

Are you Rabbit?

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments

[Tmhearn]

I'm probably a natural choleric. My main piece of advice (coming from my own childhood) would be to refrain from labeling your dd as "bossy" if she is the strong-willed, leader type. I'm not saying that you do that, but it seems like a boy with these personality traits is often looked upon differently than a girl with the same traits.

 

The site I looked at said that the best way to reach these types is through mutual respect and appropriate challenges. I would say this type of child needs to be involved in the control of their life whenever possible.

 

Out of my 4 kids, only 1 seems to have this trait so far. Luckily, it's a boy. Again, I just think that even now in society, these traits are often perceived differently in girls and boys. While things have changed a lot since I was growing up, I still think the world is a difficult place for a head-strong girl.

[swellmomma]

In the ancient world someone came up with 4 personality types. They can be summed up as:

 

Are you Pooh?

Are you Piglet?

Are you Tigger?

Are you Rabbit?

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_temperaments

What if your child is more of an eeyore than those other types? that's what ds10 is referred to by many many people. He is always looking at the worst in a situation with this monotone blah way about him.

 

Op I'm no help on this topic I don't really understand the different personality types

[busymama7]

This uses a different system of identifying energy type not personality but maybe it would be helpful? It's likely there are similarities. The book is The Child Whisperer by Carole Tuttle. It has helped me immensely with my kids.

[texasmama]

I'm a choleric/sanguine cross rearing one choleric/sanguine cross.  Yep, I had a mini-me.  :)  He thrives when given a lot of positive feedback and meaningful responsibilities. I find ways to let him "boss me".  It is kind of a joke between us.  We will go to the store, and he will say, "You have $X to spend on clothes and not a penny more!".  Then he keeps track of it.  He is my most responsible child - and he is only 11.  When he was younger, it was a challenge because he wanted to be in charge of everything.  I found that I could give him responsibilities (real ones, not made up ones), and he would almost always rise to the challenge.  He is adult-like in his thinking process and ability to problem-solve.  He is a planner, and his plans are good.  I often ask his opinion about things, and he gives thoughtful replies.  He is very sensitive and invested in pleasing me.  He is a great kid.  :)

[texasmama]

What if your child is more of an eeyore than those other types? that's what ds10 is referred to by many many people. He is always looking at the worst in a situation with this monotone blah way about him.

I have one of these, too.  The exact same child.  I find him very challenging to parent because my emotional response is to feel demoralized and that nothing I do matters one little bit in the scheme of his day.  He will just be his eeyore self.  lol  I have no real answers, but I do think it is hard to be eeyore. 

[Garga]

I have one of these, too.  The exact same child.  I find him very challenging to parent because my emotional response is to feel demoralized and that nothing I do matters one little bit in the scheme of his day.  He will just be his eeyore self.  lol  I have no real answers, but I do think it is hard to be eeyore. 

 

My husband can tend to be an Eeyore.  He says that what works best is if everyone else can be their happy selves without expecting him to join in.  He doesn't mind if everyone is happy around him and he can just sit there watching.  But if people say, "Hey!  Garga's DH!  Come on over and play this game with us!" and expect him to be "up" causes anxiety for him. It bothers him if people point out that he's being quiet and "down."  He's happiest if you don't try to cheer him up, in other words.

 

Of course I find it terribly irritating and depressing to be around him at times and just wish that he would "play nicely with everyone" instead of always holding back.  I would imagine it would be very hard to parent a child like this.  I can't make my husband change, but it would be tempting to try to change a child (especially since I'm Rabbit and like to tell everyone else what to do.)  

 

I have been backing off more and more with my dh in trying to cheer him up.  I mostly leave him alone when he's being a full-on Eeyore.

 

I feel for you.  

[texasmama]

My husband can tend to be an Eeyore.  He says that what works best is if everyone else can be their happy selves without expecting him to join in.  He doesn't mind if everyone is happy around him and he can just sit there watching.  But if people say, "Hey!  Garga's DH!  Come on over and play this game with us!" and expect him to be "up" causes anxiety for him. It bothers him if people point out that he's being quiet and "down."  He's happiest if you don't try to cheer him up, in other words.

 

Of course I find it terribly irritating and depressing to be around him at times and just wish that he would "play nicely with everyone" instead of always holding back.  I would imagine it would be very hard to parent a child like this.  I can't make my husband change, but it would be tempting to try to change a child (especially since I'm Rabbit and like to tell everyone else what to do.)  

 

I have been backing off more and more with my dh in trying to cheer him up.  I mostly leave him alone when he's being a full-on Eeyore.

 

I feel for you.  

This is helpful.  Thank you.

 

My father is eeyore so that complicates it for me a bit, I think.  I joke with my dh about my dad that I told him something and his reply was , "We're doomed!  We're doomed!".  lol  Not exactly but some version of it. 

 

My eeyore son never gets excited about anything.  Ever.  I'd pay him to get excited.  lol  (Well, sometimes he gets really happy when I make something he loves for dinner.  :D )

[Garga]

This is helpful.  Thank you.

 

My father is eeyore so that complicates it for me a bit, I think.  I joke with my dh about my dad that I told him something and his reply was , "We're doomed!  We're doomed!".  lol  Not exactly but some version of it. 

 

My eeyore son never gets excited about anything.  Ever.  I'd pay him to get excited.  lol  (Well, sometimes he gets really happy when I make something he loves for dinner.  :D )

 

You know what?  My DH is the same way about a good dinner! Good food is the one thing he can get really happy about. (Which is sad because I hate cooking and make only so-so food.) 

 

I promised DH that when the kids grow up I'll get a job and we will use my money to go out to eat for dinner every single night.  I don't think I've ever seen him happier than at that thought.

[swellmomma]

This is helpful.  Thank you.

 

My father is eeyore so that complicates it for me a bit, I think.  I joke with my dh about my dad that I told him something and his reply was , "We're doomed!  We're doomed!".  lol  Not exactly but some version of it. 

 

My eeyore son never gets excited about anything.  Ever.  I'd pay him to get excited.  lol  (Well, sometimes he gets really happy when I make something he loves for dinner.  :D )

 

 

You know what?  My DH is the same way about a good dinner! Good food is the one thing he can get really happy about. (Which is sad because I hate cooking and make only so-so food.) 

 

I promised DH that when the kids grow up I'll get a job and we will use my money to go out to eat for dinner every single night.  I don't think I've ever seen him happier than at that thought.

 

Interesting on the food thing, my eeyore is also happiest when it comes to food.  He LOVES food, eats like a horse and is truly only happy when cooking or eating.  

[elegantlion]

Exdh is choleric to a T. I expected ds to be, but he got blended with phlegmatic, so he's easier to deal with. 

 

I have loads of experience living with a choleric, just not a lot of experience parenting a strong one. 

 

1. Everything has to be their idea. I used to suggest to dh something, and ask his opinion. What do you think if you would try this instead of this? ... knowing full well my way would work. It had to look like his idea. Often, it would be a day and I'd hear him state how he thought we should do (insert my way). 

 

2. They like to be in charge, they don't often care to ask the details. One day at church dh came to me and told me a Pastor needed my help with a project and that he'd basically volunteered me. I almost cried. I was sitting at a table trying to sell stuff for a MOPS group, I was overwhelmed. So I asked what the details were, dh had no clue. We had a long discussion about him volunteering me for something without getting the details (or my permission). I'm melancholy - I need details. 

 

3. Cholerics believe its better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. They shoot then aim. 

 

4. LIfe is NEVER boring

 

5. They think in high gear. They are often intuitively right, but can't/won't bother to explain how they know - sometimes they just know without being able to explain why. 

 

6. Conflict is a challenge, not something to be avoided. 

 

7. They are good leaders if they are open to having someone under them who can trim their sails if needed. 

 

8. They are passionate and like to jump in the deep end on projects. If they find something they enjoy, watch out. 

 

9. They can come across as brash, even if they don't mean to. 

[dauphin]

Lol my dad was an Eeyore I'll bet. We joked that he could find the dark lining in any silver cloud. Ha!

 

DH is also probably pretty Eeyore. Typical compliment when I ask how he likes what I've cooked? "It's alright."

[swellmomma]

Exdh is choleric to a T. I expected ds to be, but he got blended with phlegmatic, so he's easier to deal with. 

 

I have loads of experience living with a choleric, just not a lot of experience parenting a strong one. 

 

1. Everything has to be their idea. I used to suggest to dh something, and ask his opinion. What do you think if you would try this instead of this? ... knowing full well my way would work. It had to look like his idea. Often, it would be a day and I'd hear him state how he thought we should do (insert my way). 

 

2. They like to be in charge, they don't often care to ask the details. One day at church dh came to me and told me a Pastor needed my help with a project and that he'd basically volunteered me. I almost cried. I was sitting at a table trying to sell stuff for a MOPS group, I was overwhelmed. So I asked what the details were, dh had no clue. We had a long discussion about him volunteering me for something without getting the details (or my permission). I'm melancholy - I need details. 

 

3. Cholerics believe its better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. They shoot then aim. 

 

4. LIfe is NEVER boring

 

5. They think in high gear. They are often intuitively right, but can't/won't bother to explain how they know - sometimes they just know without being able to explain why. 

 

6. Conflict is a challenge, not something to be avoided. 

 

7. They are good leaders if they are open to having someone under them who can trim their sails if needed. 

 

8. They are passionate and like to jump in the deep end on projects. If they find something they enjoy, watch out. 

 

9. They can come across as brash, even if they don't mean to. 

 

hmmm, based on all of that I am a choleric....still can't be of help to you op lol but now curious as to what the kids would be, I am suspecting maybe dd14 is also choleric though perhaps a blend with something else, she is like me in many ways but in others not so much.

[dauphin]

I read your post and thought, "I'm not choleric. I can't help."

 

And then I took a personality test and ... I'm choleric!! I thought, "No way! This isn't me! Ugh!!!!" But when I thought about it in Winnie The Pooh terms, I am totally Rabbit. Hands down. I just don't want to be Rabbit. But I am.

 

I have no advice. What is the specific issue you're dealing with? I need specifics.

 

I don't know. It's just hard. Harder than with the other kids. I've always said the "strong-willed" thing, but I was saying lately "is this just early adolescence?" Let's see....butting heads with parents/sister, trying to run over/"influence"(manipulate?) siblings. Loud. Always right. Always winding others up, as if she thrives on (needs???) the increased activity level/disorder/noise. Lots of great ideas but no follow through - there's got to be a whole lot of (intense) sanguine in there too, but without the positive emotional/sociability aspects associated with that temperament. Just the forgetfulness - which is a pain because the temperament that doesn't like to be told what to do is having to be frequently reminded/redirected/prompted to complete tasks. 

 

I'm probably a natural choleric. My main piece of advice (coming from my own childhood) would be to refrain from labeling your dd as "bossy" if she is the strong-willed, leader type. I'm not saying that you do that, but it seems like a boy with these personality traits is often looked upon differently than a girl with the same traits.

 

The site I looked at said that the best way to reach these types is through mutual respect and appropriate challenges. I would say this type of child needs to be involved in the control of their life whenever possible.

 

Out of my 4 kids, only 1 seems to have this trait so far. Luckily, it's a boy. Again, I just think that even now in society, these traits are often perceived differently in girls and boys. While things have changed a lot since I was growing up, I still think the world is a difficult place for a head-strong girl.

 

I have definitely used that term, but primarily limited to her interactions with her siblings. You're absolutely right about the problem with how society receives females with these traits. I think that's part of why I keep seeing the "strengths" as having a high likelihood of being weaknesses due to the social consequences of them. Along with the issues also of being a bright confident learner, especially in the STEM fields, which she loves. Sigh.

 

 

This uses a different system of identifying energy type not personality but maybe it would be helpful? It's likely there are similarities. The book is The Child Whisperer by Carole Tuttle. It has helped me immensely with my kids.

 

Very interesting. I've 'picked up' (i.e., not finished reading) many parenting books and finally cut myself off. This one looks really neat and possibly worth breaking the informal rule!

 

I'm a choleric/sanguine cross rearing one choleric/sanguine cross.  Yep, I had a mini-me.  :)  He thrives when given a lot of positive feedback and meaningful responsibilities. I find ways to let him "boss me".  It is kind of a joke between us.  We will go to the store, and he will say, "You have $X to spend on clothes and not a penny more!".  Then he keeps track of it.  He is my most responsible child - and he is only 11.  When he was younger, it was a challenge because he wanted to be in charge of everything.  I found that I could give him responsibilities (real ones, not made up ones), and he would almost always rise to the challenge.  He is adult-like in his thinking process and ability to problem-solve.  He is a planner, and his plans are good.  I often ask his opinion about things, and he gives thoughtful replies.  He is very sensitive and invested in pleasing me.  He is a great kid.  :)

 

See, was he -always- the most responsible child? It's the opposite here, due to forgetfulness/distractibility.

 

Exdh is choleric to a T. I expected ds to be, but he got blended with phlegmatic, so he's easier to deal with. 

 

I have loads of experience living with a choleric, just not a lot of experience parenting a strong one. 

 

1. Everything has to be their idea. I used to suggest to dh something, and ask his opinion. What do you think if you would try this instead of this? ... knowing full well my way would work. It had to look like his idea. Often, it would be a day and I'd hear him state how he thought we should do (insert my way). 

 

2. They like to be in charge, they don't often care to ask the details. One day at church dh came to me and told me a Pastor needed my help with a project and that he'd basically volunteered me. I almost cried. I was sitting at a table trying to sell stuff for a MOPS group, I was overwhelmed. So I asked what the details were, dh had no clue. We had a long discussion about him volunteering me for something without getting the details (or my permission). I'm melancholy - I need details. 

 

3. Cholerics believe its better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. They shoot then aim. 

 

4. LIfe is NEVER boring

 

5. They think in high gear. They are often intuitively right, but can't/won't bother to explain how they know - sometimes they just know without being able to explain why. 

 

6. Conflict is a challenge, not something to be avoided. 

 

7. They are good leaders if they are open to having someone under them who can trim their sails if needed. 

 

8. They are passionate and like to jump in the deep end on projects. If they find something they enjoy, watch out. 

 

9. They can come across as brash, even if they don't mean to. 

 

Yup. And see, when you're a Phlegmatic, #6 feels like a "problem" with how they deal with life. Seek out and enjoy conflict? Are you kidding me?!?!? 

 

Lots of tips to take from this though! #1, if I could be more intentional about it, could possibly work wonders! What do you do with #3 and #9 though?

 

AMEN to #4. Never a dull moment. At all. Ha!

[EndOfOrdinary]

MB helped immensely with my son. I do not know the terms well, but depending upon gender the most important thing you can do is be rather brutal about how society feels toward certain characteristics.

 

Girls are bossy in society. That ain't changing anytime soon! As a girl still called bossy, I really wish someone did not give me roses colored glasses of calling them leadership skills. I needed someone to outright say, "As a female, you need to pose your question/opinion/statement differently." It isn't fair, but it is honest.

 

Girls are supposed to be highly snugly, emotive, sensitive people. Again, not right, not fair, definitely not cool, but honest. As a non-snugly girl this has been very detrimental to friendships. No one clued me in on how my lack of giggles was coming across. I was supposed to be really huggy, or it seemed standoffish. I just don't do touching, and like personal space, but it didn't appear that way to others.

 

I am not telling you that you should tell your daughter to change. Merely have a frank discussion with her about her personality and ways to smooth it over when necessary. As an INTJ (Myers Briggs) female, I am most likely to be called the intellectual bitch and/or Ice Queen. I am also the most likely to be someone's well paid boss, but money doesn't buy you friends. High school was very hard.

 

ETA: After reading up, I was choleric up through high school. It was very difficult as a female without a support system. I had my son, got married, and have since greatly retreated. From Rabbit to Piglet. Now I am much more phlegmatic/melancholy. Had someone talked to me, I do not know if that would have happened.

[Chris in VA]

ETJ would be my guess for your dd--let me go to a MB site and see. 

Does this sound right, with maybe a little extra distractability thrown in there? ETJ in Children

Or maybe this? ESP kiddos.

 

 

[BugsMama]

What if your child is more of an eeyore than those other types? that's what ds10 is referred to by many many people. He is always looking at the worst in a situation with this monotone blah way about him.

 

Op I'm no help on this topic I don't really understand the different personality types

I was going to say the same thing- mine isn't any of those- I have an Eeyore! Very negitive, sees the worst, emotional, sensitive, worry wart. Sigh. No ideas on what to do with him.

 

[elegantlion]

I don't know. It's just hard. Harder than with the other kids. I've always said the "strong-willed" thing, but I was saying lately "is this just early adolescence?" Let's see....butting heads with parents/sister, trying to run over/"influence"(manipulate?) siblings. Loud. Always right. Always winding others up, as if she thrives on (needs???) the increased activity level/disorder/noise. Lots of great ideas but no follow through - there's got to be a whole lot of (intense) sanguine in there too, but without the positive emotional/sociability aspects associated with that temperament. Just the forgetfulness - which is a pain because the temperament that doesn't like to be told what to do is having to be frequently reminded/redirected/prompted to complete tasks. 

 

 

I have definitely used that term, but primarily limited to her interactions with her siblings. You're absolutely right about the problem with how society receives females with these traits. I think that's part of why I keep seeing the "strengths" as having a high likelihood of being weaknesses due to the social consequences of them. Along with the issues also of being a bright confident learner, especially in the STEM fields, which she loves. Sigh.

 

 

 

Very interesting. I've 'picked up' (i.e., not finished reading) many parenting books and finally cut myself off. This one looks really neat and possibly worth breaking the informal rule!

 

 

See, was he -always- the most responsible child? It's the opposite here, due to forgetfulness/distractibility.

 

 

Yup. And see, when you're a Phlegmatic, #6 feels like a "problem" with how they deal with life. Seek out and enjoy conflict? Are you kidding me?!?!? 

 

Lots of tips to take from this though! #1, if I could be more intentional about it, could possibly work wonders! What do you do with #3 and #9 though?

 

AMEN to #4. Never a dull moment. At all. Ha!

 

#3 from a parental perspective, I don't know. Consequences, maybe? If you do A, then B will happen. Is that what you want? 

 

#9 Conflict resolution training - learning how to be empathetic and essentially put them in someone else's shoes for a bit. There are books we used for that when ds was little. It can help with communication skills and active listening. 

 

Another subject I highly recommend for cholerics is logic and critical thinking. informal logic, formal logic (upper middle or high school), learning how to argue properly. Ds got the "negotiate everything" gene and we started logic early, he knows how to create a sound argument now - (Hint: make sure you learn before or with them, otherwise it gets used against you ;) ). 

 

Another subject that might be helpful is etiquette training. Not just what fork type stuff, but how to network through a room, navigate social situations and feel in control of their own response. 

 

 

My MIL is also choleric and was in a position of leadership in her career for many years. What helped make her a success was her driven personality, what kept her there was an ability to relate to people. 

 

The format in which you present materials is important too. Books are good, hand them books, find movies that convey an idea or theme you want them to consider. Then they discover it themselves without us ever having to tell them they're wrong. 

 

 

[elegantlion]

I was going to say the same thing- mine isn't any of those- I have an Eeyore! Very negitive, sees the worst, emotional, sensitive, worry wart. Sigh. No ideas on what to do with him.

 

 

I'm an Eeyore. Some of us just see the world differently. Probably the most important thing for me is that someone does not trivialize or mock my worry. You don't have to play into it either. I need space and time to think through things. Unlike a choleric who sometimes doesn't think about consequences - I see them all. When I get to a decision, I see the good decision, bad decisions, and the neutral ones - it takes a while to get through all of them in my head. I actually function better if I can look at the worst case scenario and ponder it for a bit. An Eeyore also seems to have empathy mode on high all the time. It's good to a point, but it can feel overwhelming when you realize how much suffering is in the world. 

[texasmama]

See, was he -always- the most responsible child? It's the opposite here, due to forgetfulness/distractibility.

 

Quote from OP above.

 

He has always been this way.  We have no ADHD issues in our genes, though, which helps.

 

 

 

 

 

[Deee]

I'm a choleric. DH is a melancholic (Eeyore). DS is a melancholic. Except on the days when he is being choleric. Their innate gloominess drive me insane if I stop to think about it (after 20 years of marriage, I have learned not to think about it often). Many's the day when I have stopped myself running about the house yelling, "Oh just bloody CHEER UP." This would be soothing to my choleric soul, but unhelpful.

 

I need to go to bed (not something cholerics are good at especially if there is a chance to show off our superior knowledge on a great topic like, well, us!) but I promise to come back tomorrow. Meanwhile, there is much info to be had about cholerics, melancholics, phlegmatics and sanguines in Waldorf literature, much of it fabulously unscientific but interesting nonetheless.

D

[sbbulliv]

http://waldorfessentials.com/blog/2013/07/temperament-parenting-part-5-mrs-bossy-pants-the-choleric/

 

So, I don't know how to paste a link, but I did my best up above. This is for a series by Melisa at Waldorf Essentials written from the perspective of how to work with your own temperament while parenting, but you might find some nuggets for your daughter. Also, it is the Waldorf perspective on temperament which has its own flavor, but is interesting IMHO.

[sbbulliv]

Yeah! It works!

[swellmomma]

I don't know. It's just hard. Harder than with the other kids. I've always said the "strong-willed" thing, but I was saying lately "is this just early adolescence?" Let's see....butting heads with parents/sister, trying to run over/"influence"(manipulate?) siblings. Loud. Always right. Always winding others up, as if she thrives on (needs???) the increased activity level/disorder/noise. Lots of great ideas but no follow through - there's got to be a whole lot of (intense) sanguine in there too, but without the positive emotional/sociability aspects associated with that temperament. Just the forgetfulness - which is a pain because the temperament that doesn't like to be told what to do is having to be frequently reminded/redirected/prompted to complete tasks. 

 

 

I have definitely used that term, but primarily limited to her interactions with her siblings. You're absolutely right about the problem with how society receives females with these traits. I think that's part of why I keep seeing the "strengths" as having a high likelihood of being weaknesses due to the social consequences of them. Along with the issues also of being a bright confident learner, especially in the STEM fields, which she loves. Sigh.

 

THis is my dd14, After searching this stuff out more yesterday I honestly think she is choleric/sanguine.  Girl is brilliant and a natural leader but would lose her head if it weren't attached, and will get ticked off with any little reminder of things.  Though maybe the forgetfulness is more about her adhd than being sanguine. I have always said she will either be CEO of some fortune 500 company or run the mob, it could go either way and ultimately comes down to attitude and emotional/social side of things. 

 

 

Very interesting. I've 'picked up' (i.e., not finished reading) many parenting books and finally cut myself off. This one looks really neat and possibly worth breaking the informal rule!

 

 

See, was he -always- the most responsible child? It's the opposite here, due to forgetfulness/distractibility.

 

 

Yup. And see, when you're a Phlegmatic, #6 feels like a "problem" with how they deal with life. Seek out and enjoy conflict? Are you kidding me?!?!? 

my sister is definitely a phlegmatic, her and I couldn't deal with #6 because I want to deal with things head on and she would be avoiding them, when it came to conflict between the 2 of us it just never got resolved.

 

Lots of tips to take from this though! #1, if I could be more intentional about it, could possibly work wonders! What do you do with #3 and #9 though?

 

AMEN to #4. Never a dull moment. At all. Ha!

some of my reply is bolded above.

 

So last night I did some pondering/searching/thinking about these temperaments and while trying to figure out what my kids and I are.  I *think* I am a weird mix of choleric/phlegmatic which means I drive myself crazy, both ambitious, planner, practical, good in an emergency but mixed with lazy, stubborn and fearful of change.  

 

As for the kids: I am thinking ds15 is melancholic/choleric which I think is why we have so many issues with this emotional/mental state of mind.  dd14 I think is a choleric/sanguine.  ds10 is my eeyore so melancholic, though I can see some phlegmatic in him.  dd6 is sanguine.

 

So now the issue comes on how to parent/teach each of them when they are so different yet so similiar to me and I have this weird mix of wanting to be the boss and permissive at the same time....

[dauphin]

Bumping this because the s/o has gotten more esoteric/philosophical/political, and I'm ISO pragmatic! Definitely hoping for Phlegmatic parents of Cholerics could chime in! Am I the only one who feels like she doesn't get to BE phlegmatic? 

[dauphin]

And this quote illustrates part of the reason why. From http://lifeworksministries.com/most-popular/choleric-rabbit

 

"They tend to look at rules more as guidelines, set in place to help less intelligent people get safely through life (there’s that arrogance confidence showing up again). If they break a rule in school, like throwing snowballs on the playground, it is not necessarily rebellion against authority so much as they know they’re not going to get hurt. And if they do, they aren’t going to cry to the teacher about it. A Rabbit would look at a rule like “no throwing snowballs†and figure it’s to protect little kids who can’t handle getting hurt, so it doesn’t apply to them."

 

:banghead:

[Shamzanne]

I love this thread. I am a first born choleric/lion/Rabbit/INTJ. I'm not sure what my parents are, but they had no idea how to deal with me. They took my confidence and brashness, and my general disposition as a rejection of them, and instead of trying to find a way to relate they pretty much just let me be. I really wish they had made an effort to care about the things I cared about. As it was, they had very little regard for the things that moved me, sometimes to the extent of mocking me.

 

The best things I can think of at the moment (realizing this might not apply):

-be thoughtful in gift giving. Give gifts based on what she wants or is interested in not what you want her to want.

-Be patient with her words and the way she says things. Try to help her understand the way her words come across to others. She most likely has no idea how harsh/rude/dismissive she sounds.

-Try to give her a reason behind decisions you make or rules you enforce. She wants to make logical sense of her world and will resist authority, especially if she can't see its purpose.

- every compliment, thanks, or kind word she gives you, magnify by 10. She probably means and feels way more than she is capable of saying.

[dauphin]

Shanzanne, your perspective is incredibly helpful. I really think she (and others like her) don't intend to be rude/dismissive but can easily come across that way. I also never considered how this might also be reflected in her (in?)ability to show appreciation/thanks/kindness, which can come across looking entitled, and self-centered. I don't really take it as rejection, but I thought there was some insensitivity at best and outright disobedience/defiance at worst. So about how to talk to and treat others, it seems that what some temperaments naturally understand, these individuals may need more explicit instruction, perhaps? I have heard things about the Michelle Garcia Winner curriculum/materials....

[fairfarmhand]

Exdh is choleric to a T. I expected ds to be, but he got blended with phlegmatic, so he's easier to deal with. 

 

I have loads of experience living with a choleric, just not a lot of experience parenting a strong one. 

 

1. Everything has to be their idea. I used to suggest to dh something, and ask his opinion. What do you think if you would try this instead of this? ... knowing full well my way would work. It had to look like his idea. Often, it would be a day and I'd hear him state how he thought we should do (insert my way). 

 

It's all about framing isn't it? Ideas need to be framed as suggestions to be considered, rather than demands. And you can't suggest that "It'll be better my way." The knee jerk response to that is a bristling, rather than a consideration of the merits of the thought.

 

2. They like to be in charge, they don't often care to ask the details. One day at church dh came to me and told me a Pastor needed my help with a project and that he'd basically volunteered me. I almost cried. I was sitting at a table trying to sell stuff for a MOPS group, I was overwhelmed. So I asked what the details were, dh had no clue. We had a long discussion about him volunteering me for something without getting the details (or my permission). I'm melancholy - I need details. 

 

3. Cholerics believe its better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. They shoot then aim. 

 

4. LIfe is NEVER boring

 

5. They think in high gear. They are often intuitively right, but can't/won't bother to explain how they know - sometimes they just know without being able to explain why. 

 

I need my dh to explain things several times. He tends to get frustrated because I don't intuitively "get it" as quickly. I've learned to shrug off his frustration.

 

6. Conflict is a challenge, not something to be avoided. 

 

These types love a good debate. They love to change your mind and demonstrate that they had it right all along.

 

7. They are good leaders if they are open to having someone under them who can trim their sails if needed. 

 

8. They are passionate and like to jump in the deep end on projects. If they find something they enjoy, watch out. 

 

Sometimes you have to gently tell them that they are driving you bonkers with their passions. They sometimes have to be encouraged in moderation.

 

9. They can come across as brash, even if they don't mean to. 

 

I do better with my dd when I remind her to change her tone of voice because "I know you didn't mean it that way, but you are being rude/bossy/disrespectful."  I do better that way than just punishing for disrespect. She gets do-overs.

 

This is my dh and my oldest dd. THey don't get along well at all.

 

It takes a lot of maturity for Cholerics to learn to consider others and moderate their impulses.

[fairfarmhand]

And this quote illustrates part of the reason why. From http://lifeworksministries.com/most-popular/choleric-rabbit

 

"They tend to look at rules more as guidelines, set in place to help less intelligent people get safely through life (there’s that arrogance confidence showing up again). If they break a rule in school, like throwing snowballs on the playground, it is not necessarily rebellion against authority so much as they know they’re not going to get hurt. And if they do, they aren’t going to cry to the teacher about it. A Rabbit would look at a rule like “no throwing snowballs†and figure it’s to protect little kids who can’t handle getting hurt, so it doesn’t apply to them."

 

:banghead:

 

This is my dh and my dd to a T.

[fairfarmhand]

Bumping this because the s/o has gotten more esoteric/philosophical/political, and I'm ISO pragmatic! Definitely hoping for Phlegmatic parents of Cholerics could chime in! Am I the only one who feels like she doesn't get to BE phlegmatic? 

 

This is me.

 

Those Cholerics do take a lot of energy and input. Which is the last thing I want to do at the end of a long day. Add to that my dh being a classic Choleric.

 

Sometimes navigating the energy and emotion and ideas around here leaves me exhausted.

 

I've said it before that my oldest takes more parenting energy than the other 3 kids COMBINED!

[Shamzanne]

Shanzanne, your perspective is incredibly helpful. I really think she (and others like her) don't intend to be rude/dismissive but can easily come across that way. I also never considered how this might also be reflected in her (in?)ability to show appreciation/thanks/kindness, which can come across looking entitled, and self-centered. I don't really take it as rejection, but I thought there was some insensitivity at best and outright disobedience/defiance at worst. So about how to talk to and treat others, it seems that what some temperaments naturally understand, these individuals may need more explicit instruction, perhaps? I have heard things about the Michelle Garcia Winner curriculum/materials....

You are giving your daughter a great gift by trying to understand her perspective. Regarding this statement: "So about how to talk to and treat others, it seems that what some temperaments naturally understand, these individuals may need more explicit instruction, perhaps?" (I can't use bold for some reason) I sometimes feel like I am autistic in my difficulty navigating this. Actually, I generally think I am totally fine in how I relate to and speak to others, but time and feedback has told me that my perception differs from reality of how I come across. It is a constant battle and I've had to learn to check in with folks about how something came across to avoid hurt feelings.

 

Your girl is lucky to have you!

[dauphin]

Again, that's helpful to hear your perspective Shanzanne - that you desire to get along well with others, but that your "social sense" sometimes lets you down?!? I get Autism Spectrum Disorders, there might be a touch of the 'tism in my extended family. But never thought (until this discussion about personality/temperament) to couch any of her difficulties in that way. I was considering the social skills curriculum by Michelle Garcia Winner...now I'm leaning toward it even more!!! It can't hurt!