Why do some people ALWAYS need to feel validated?!

[PeacefulChaos]

yeah...I get this. Every year, I sort of cringe when our church has a BIG MOTHERS DAY deal. I know that in a congregation of our size there are women who a. have a bad relationship with their mom because their mom was not so nice. b. never had the chance to be a mom. c. are unmarried but still contribute to our church in HUGE ways. I wonder if the big MOTHERS DAY celebration is kind of like twisting a knife in the backs of so many women who hurt for lots of reasons. Why couldn't we appreciate and love on all the women who make our church great?

 

I see this need for affirmation mostly in very young moms. The ones in the trenches who are not getting much feedback besides 2 yo tantrums, pee and spit up. It gets easier as the kids get older and can give back. You also have a greater sense of "wow! They really do get it!" every now and then.

 

A good friend of mine always felt awkward on Mother's Day because her mom passed away when she was a child.  (Heck, I felt awkward on MD even though my mom was alive, since she didn't live with us and wasn't a presence in my life - I always had to ask to write 'Happy Mother's Day, Grandma' which sometimes the teachers balked at.... nowhere near what my friend went through, by any means, though!! )  

After she struggled with getting pregnant on top of that, she began skipping it all together.  I don't blame her.  I can see that being hard.  

Now that she has children I believe they celebrate to an extent.  

 

 

A day later, I just want to thank everyone for your responses!! (I'm the OP)  More than anything I just was annoyed and didn't have anywhere to vent my annoyance lol. ;)  Didn't want to say anything on FB and cause a stir!!  

One of my new friends from my trip posted her Thailand pictures on FB last night... UUUGGGHHH it makes me SO want to show off all mine!!!  I'm trying to hold off though... :D

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

We all need validation at times. Why did you post this today? To have your feelings validated? I think most of FB and the chat board is about validation.

 

Kelly

 

Well, you don't have to get all rational about it!  :tongue_smilie:

 

This is a good point. Sometimes I do catch myself thinking "I should post this on the board" or FB or whatever, and then I have to think about what exactly I'm looking for from it. Usually it IS some kind of validation, and instead I pat myself on the back and keep on keepin' on. I do agree that everyone needs validation from time to time, but most often I see that kind of stuff from people for whom the majority of their FB posts are that sort of thing. It can get tedious. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

A good friend of mine always felt awkward on Mother's Day because her mom passed away when she was a child.  (Heck, I felt awkward on MD even though my mom was alive, since she didn't live with us and wasn't a presence in my life - I always had to ask to write 'Happy Mother's Day, Grandma' which sometimes the teachers balked at.... nowhere near what my friend went through, by any means, though!! )  

After she struggled with getting pregnant on top of that, she began skipping it all together.  I don't blame her.  I can see that being hard.  

Now that she has children I believe they celebrate to an extent.  

 

 

A day later, I just want to thank everyone for your responses!! (I'm the OP)  More than anything I just was annoyed and didn't have anywhere to vent my annoyance lol. ;)  Didn't want to say anything on FB and cause a stir!!  

One of my new friends from my trip posted her Thailand pictures on FB last night... UUUGGGHHH it makes me SO want to show off all mine!!!  I'm trying to hold off though... :D

 

Do it. Pictures of exotic trips are awesome (unless you're trapped in someone's house looking at hundreds of them!). 

[a27mom]

I wonder if the big MOTHERS DAY celebration is kind of like twisting a knife in the backs of so many women who hurt for lots of reasons. Why couldn't we appreciate and love on all the women who make our church great?

 

I see this need for affirmation mostly in very young moms. The ones in the trenches who are not getting much feedback besides 2 yo tantrums, pee and spit up. It gets easier as the kids get older and can give back. You also have a greater sense of "wow! They really do get it!" every now and then.

The big Mother's Day celebration was like twisting a knife in my heart, almost literally, I would get a sharp pain in my chest. I usually volunteered to work Mother's Day Sunday before we finally had kids. Even though now it is not an big issue for me, I love that our pastor emphasizes all women in our church on Mother's Day.

 

I do need to remember to have patience with younger moms. That's a good reminder. Even when I had young kids I was an older mom, I think that gave me more perspective. I can see where basically going from being a student to being a mom in just a year or two could be tough. I need to remind myself to be gracious.

 

Someone said something about saying "look at me, I'm amazing". I think saying that is just fine. I can celebrate with people. The problem is when you say, "look how much more amazing I am (or we are) than other people"

[musicianmom]

I feel the same way about all the cheesy rah-rah for teachers I see on Facebook.

[Catwoman]

but, but, you mean it isn't?  what about

?

 

Well, thanks for nothing.  :glare:

 

I didn't even click on the link, but I still have the Hollies singing in my head. :ack2:

 

If the link is for a different song, let me know and I'll click on it, because any other bus stop song has got to be better than the one in my head!  :D

[Catwoman]

I feel the same way about all the cheesy rah-rah for teachers I see on Facebook.

 

Yeah, I know. They're all HEROES.  :rolleyes:

[MrsMommy]

I'll tell you one of the reasons I wish more people would validate me...

 

I have a Facebook "friend" (using the term rather loosely), who has dozens of people to affirm every single thing she says. I'm not even kidding. Whenever she posts about a struggle or a bad day or whatever, she has all of these people telling her how amazing and wonderful she is. How she could never do wrong. How she's the best mother ever.

 

I wish I had one person in my life (other than dh), who felt that way about me. When I see other people (OK, one other person), receiving that kind of support, I can't help but want it for myself. It annoys me that I feel that way, but it's just the way it is.

 

So, jealousy, I guess. That's why I want to feel validated. It's so not ever going to happen, though, so I just keep on keeping on, and doing my job. :)

[Catwoman]

I'll tell you one of the reasons I wish more people would validate me...

 

I have a Facebook "friend" (using the term rather loosely), who has dozens of people to affirm every single thing she says. I'm not even kidding. Whenever she posts about a struggle or a bad day or whatever, she has all of these people telling her how amazing and wonderful she is. How she could never do wrong. How she's the best mother ever.

 

I wish I had one person in my life (other than dh), who felt that way about me. When I see other people (OK, one other person), receiving that kind of support, I can't help but want it for myself. It annoys me that I feel that way, but it's just the way it is.

 

So, jealousy, I guess. That's why I want to feel validated. It's so not ever going to happen, though, so I just keep on keeping on, and doing my job. :)

Not for anything, but those people may be posting those comments because they know it's what your friend wants to hear. They're being nice, but they aren't necessarily being sincere.

 

When a person has a habit of fishing for compliments, many people would rather appease them, because sometimes it shuts her up for a while. Otherwise, the person will keep whining until someone finally tells them what they want to hear.

 

Sorry to sound cynical, but it's not like the people are rushing to her house to give her a big hug and take her to lunch. They're just taking 5 seconds to post a quick note on their computer. I sincerely doubt that any of them truly believes she's incredibly wonderful or that she is the best mother ever.

 

You are probably far better off with one sincere comment from someone who really matters to you, like your dh.

[MrsMommy]

Not for anything, but those people may be posting those comments because they know it's what your friend wants to hear. They're being nice, but they aren't necessarily being sincere.

 

When a person has a habit of fishing for compliments, many people would rather appease them, because sometimes it shuts her up for a while. Otherwise, the person will keep whining until someone finally tells them what they want to hear.

 

Sorry to sound cynical, but it's not like the people are rushing to her house to give her a big hug and take her to lunch. They're just taking 5 seconds to post a quick note on their computer. I sincerely doubt that any of them truly believes she's incredibly wonderful or that she is the best mother ever.

 

You are probably far better off with one sincere comment from someone who really matters to you, like your dh.

 

And I know you're right. She's a very needy person, and I'm pretty sure her Facebook friends know that, and are trying to throw her a bone.

 

There's something about seeing it in print, though, that makes it seem more "official" or something. Like she's really fantastic (and I'm not). But I keep reminding myself that she's just fishing for compliments, and her people are satisfying that need for her.

 

It's still annoying (and a bit discouraging), though!

[Catwoman]

And I know you're right. She's a very needy person, and I'm pretty sure her Facebook friends know that, and are trying to throw her a bone.

 

There's something about seeing it in print, though, that makes it seem more "official" or something. Like she's really fantastic (and I'm not). But I keep reminding myself that she's just fishing for compliments, and her people are satisfying that need for her.

 

It's still annoying (and a bit discouraging), though!

Sometimes, it must be very tempting to post something snarky, just for fun. :D

 

I can understand feeling kind of frustrated when it seems like someone else is getting all kinds of recognition and accolades and you're not. Just try to remember that your "friend" has probably spent years cultivating a group of people who will kiss up to her and tell her what she wants to hear. If something really went wrong in her life, I'll bet almost all of them would disappear.

 

Also remember that she probably deletes any negative comments as soon as they are posted, so all you see are the complimentary ones.

[MrsMommy]

Sometimes, it must be very tempting to post something snarky, just for fun. :D

 

I can understand feeling kind of frustrated when it seems like someone else is getting all kinds of recognition and accolades and you're not. Just try to remember that your "friend" has probably spent years cultivating a group of people who will kiss up to her and tell her what she wants to hear. If something really went wrong in her life, I'll bet almost all of them would disappear.

 

Also remember that she probably deletes any negative comments as soon as they are posted, so all you see are the complimentary ones.

 

I needed to hear that (from somebody that is not dh). Thank you! :)

[PeacefulChaos]

We all need validation at times. Why did you post this today? To have your feelings validated? I think most of FB and the chat board is about validation.

 

Kelly

:lol: 

No.  

:lol:

[Guest submarines]

What's wrong with wanting validation, anyway? We are social creatures, and validation is part of how we relate to each other. Don't we strive to validate our children's feelings when they are upset?

 

I think we tend to be most unsettled / critical about others wanting validation or others getting validation when we feel under validated ourselves.

 

I personally get very little validation for what I do from DH. He's not a validating type of guy, not verbally, anyway. I can pat myself on my back all I want, and believe me, I have to, because no one else would do it, and it keeps me going, but it is not the same as validation that comes from one's partner or someone who cares.

 

I think I've used up my quota for the word "validation" for this year. It even stopped sounding like a real word. Is it a real word? :lol:

[Sisyphus]

There are women who the receiving end of very jaw droppingly rude comments about staying home with kids, I'm one. I used to do the job dh has, naturally I know quite a bit about what his coworkers talk about. I can converse intelligently on topics they discuss, but people are usually shocked to hear I don't work. I've heard, in all earnestness, "don't you miss having a real job?" and "why are you wasting your time at home?" when they find out I stay home and especially we homeschool (we are the only ones in his professional circle who do). It really happens, it isn't a fictitious mommy wars trope.

 

I vividly remember when my kids were small being at a function and getting the "so what do you do?" question, and the asker, a man about my age, exclaimed how wonderful it was I was home with my kids. How his mom was too and it meant the world to him she had been there. I actually got TEARY, it was so wonderful. Since then, the politest response has been "wow, I could never do that!".

 

So possibly they are feeling a bit vulnerable and those sappy Facebook odes to mothers and mothering make them feel better? I'm not defending them really, the sappy posts, but the poster herself I guess I am. It is a form of self validation, but sometimes, in this job, that's all you'll get!

[RanchGirl]

I hear what you're saying and although I haven't felt that way myself about motherhood posts, I do feel that way about the "all teachers are heroes, sacrificing their lives for your child" posts (not saying I don't have great respect for many individual teachers I know) and the "sisters are awesome, repost if you have a great sister."  Ugh.

 

But when the topic is motherhood it usually gets a pass with me because I feel it is so undervalued in our society.  Moms who are focused on their families are doing something important and practically invisible - no widgets get produced, no taxes get paid, and a daycare facility is too often considered a fine substitute for daily mothering in our society.

 

It's the same way I feel about the term "Home Executive." :rolleyes: The lady doth protest too much methinks.

 

Really, though, if you look at all the tasks a mom does as jobs, none of those jobs are "oooh! how interesting and well-compensated!" Professional cooks, professional cleaning ladies and professional daycare/nanny workers I strongly suspect get a similar response. Maybe if you're a chef at the Ritz-Carlton or the swanky 5-star restaurant in town, but other than that, no one would be asking people in those professions, "So, what do you think about what happened in the Senate today?! Oooh, you're a surgeon, how smart you much be! You save people's lives! Oh, you're a CEO? How rich you must be! Tell us about your latest European vacation and your most successful business strategy to date." Hence, the need to overcompensate.

 

The SAHM has chosen on average 3 of the least appreciated job positions in society, combined them into a 24/7 job (except for ladies night out) and has chosen to receive no pay for it. Of course she's miserable, and she's trying to convince herself that she's not by calling herself a "Home Executive" and saying that she's doing The Most Important Job IN THE WORLD. ;)

 

I think this kind of thinking is part of the problem.  Cooking, cleaning and daycare/nanny jobs are great and most moms do some of these same tasks each day, but my focus is on raising my children, meeting their individual needs, preparing them for the future, giving them a happy childhood and a happy family.  You can't hire someone to do that.  It's not overcompensating to think that being a mother is more important to my children specifically and in general to society at large than simply keeping said children's bathtub scrubbed.

 

Being a SAHM is not unimportant or boring.  Cleaning toilets is not terribly interesting, but finding the best way to run your home, researching child development, putting parenting techniques into practice and seeing these little people grow each day is extremely interesting in my opinion.  "Home executive" sounds to me like a woman (or man) who takes the job of managing a family seriously, striving to do her (or his) best for that family.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with that and think it would be a great thing if more families had "home executives".

 

And just so you know, I can find something interesting to talk about with just about anyone I meet, from my CFO friend to my housekeeper.

 

 

 

 

[Hikin' Mama]

We all need validation at times. Why did you post this today? To have your feelings validated? I think most of FB and the chat board is about validation.

 

Kelly

I agree! Most FB posts seem to be asking for some sort of validation. And who cares? The people I'm friends with on FB are people I like in real life. When they are happy or feeling positive about themselves, I am happy for them. When they are sad, I am sad for them.

[Catwoman]

I think I've used up my quota for the word "validation" for this year. It even stopped sounding like a real word. Is it a real word? :lol:

:lol:

 

I just wanted to validate your use of the word, "validation."

 

It seems totally valid to me.

 

Not that you needed validation from me about the validity of using the word "validation" or anything.....

[SquirrellyMama]

:lol:

No.  

:lol:

 

Hmmm, two smiley guys.  I think you are overcompensating.  Here is a validating hug :grouphug:

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm sorry you don't understand it.  It is the way we are.  Yes, I need a pat on the back or I have failed...  Just the way I am.

Yes! I totally get that.  I am the same way.

 

I agree! Most FB posts seem to be asking for some sort of validation. And who cares? The people I'm friends with on FB are people I like in real life. When they are happy or feeling positive about themselves, I am happy for them. When they are sad, I am sad for them.

Most of what I post to FB is about validation.  It might not seem like it at first glance since sometimes the validation comes from how many "likes" I can get, not the praise from words.

 

Kelly

[Hikin' Mama]

I don't do Facebook, but perhaps I can shed light about being one of THOSE people who need validation.    I have absolutely no clue what it would mean to just be happy in what you are doing out of just yourself.  My entire world is based on other people and their reactions and happiness.  What other benchmark would it be.  I was a better teacher when I was evaluated.  I'm a better homeschooler because I will be judged on how my children do when they leave here....if they fail, I failed.  My love language is words of affirmation.  My husband has finally realized that I need it.  Today he thanked me for folding his underwear and putting it in his drawer and for washing his travel mug the way he wants (taking all elements apart).  Before he would only mention what wasn't done.  Why do I need this, I don't know.  But how do I know if I have done something right? something worthy? if someone doesn't tell me.  What standard to I use?  I use the Bible, but even that I can go to lots of people and get lots of interpretations so how do I know.  I love school.  You can get an A+ on a test and you have done great.  Life, marriage, parenting...how do I know....

 

I'm sorry you don't understand it.  It is the way we are.  Yes, I need a pat on the back or I have failed...  Just the way I am.

I think if most people are honest, they like validation. I do! So yay for you for being honest!

[PeacefulChaos]

Hmmm, two smiley guys.  I think you are overcompensating.  Here is a validating hug 

I'm assuming this is sarcastic (I certainly hope so! ;) ) so I'll take it that way.  

 

Again, I never said validation was bad.  I'm not sure why this thread turned into people feeling like they need to defend being validated - I think I was pretty clear about what I meant, that it was a vent about specific circumstances and people, and that I wasn't really looking for people to jump on me about it.  

 

I didn't post it for personal validation either.  Honestly, I posted it because I was hella pissed at those women for their actions and wanted, more than anything, to say something snarky on their 'make all the moms feel good' posts on fb.  I chose not to, and to vent my annoyance somewhere which has absolutely nothing to do with the people I know IRL.  I vented to DH, too.  I felt better after I wrote it, and trust me, I'm well aware that most parents do not share my views on how important children are.  So no, validation is not something I expect on my views.  

 

I don't make my choices in life for other people, period.  I guess some people think I'm lying about that, but I'm not.  I really don't care about stuff like that - not even when it comes to DH.  His approval doesn't matter to me.  I do what I do because it's what I do.  No one else has anything to do with that.

 

(That may come off sounding very rude, which is not my intent.  I'm just trying to be clear.  I kind of was getting the feeling my motives were being questioned or that I was being called a hypocrite of sorts.  I may have read that wrong, in which case, I apologize. :) )

[mommymilkies]

I like the exotic expat photos as well as the bus stop updates on FB. I like to see cute kids,  the pix of your dinner, and I am glad there wasn't a long line at the bank.  ;)  I'm sorry. lol

 

PS I do ignore Candy Crush invites. ;)

:iagree:  

 

I read some books on Nonivolent Communication years ago that really stick out.  Try to be compassionate in your interpretation of others' actions and words.  Perhaps the people posting are one of the many overworked and under appreciated out there who want a feeling of understanding from others who have btdt.  Easier said than done, I know.  I try to give the benefit of empathy when I see things like this.  It gets difficult when I'm inundated with the super cheesy pat on the back posts sometimes.  The ones that are over the top are few and far between, luckily.  I don't think every mother deserves respect simply for being a mother.  I think all peoples deserve a certain amount of respect, though.  

 

 

I hope I'm not one of those annoying people on fb.  :lol:  I think of it like a big friendly group.  If you're on my friends list, I like you and what I say is stuff that would come up in conversation. I'm fairly isolated here, so I'm pretty talkative on there.  It's nice to connect with others, and "friends" are free to unfriend me if they don't want to know my kid had a book recital or my hands really hurt.  I do try to post a lot of positive articles on mothering and homeschooling though, too.  I've been trying to be more positive overall, so posting about my love of motherhood isn't a condemnation of others, but a way for me to share something with other mothers I know so we can reaffirm ourselves and our lives. And I have some friends I know that need that message reaffirmed to them.

 

I'm sorry those people are annoying you with what you see as them needing to be validated.  Perhaps it's time to cull the friends list and find people you have more in common with?  I don't mean that rudely.  I cull my friends list rather frequently. :coolgleamA:  

[PeacefulChaos]

:iagree:  

 

I read some books on Nonivolent Communication years ago that really stick out.  Try to be compassionate in your interpretation of others' actions and words.  Perhaps the people posting are one of the many overworked and under appreciated out there who want a feeling of understanding from others who have btdt.  Easier said than done, I know.  I try to give the benefit of empathy when I see things like this.  It gets difficult when I'm inundated with the super cheesy pat on the back posts sometimes.  The ones that are over the top are few and far between, luckily.  I don't think every mother deserves respect simply for being a mother.  I think all peoples deserve a certain amount of respect, though.  

 

 

I hope I'm not one of those annoying people on fb.  :lol:  I think of it like a big friendly group.  If you're on my friends list, I like you and what I say is stuff that would come up in conversation. I'm fairly isolated here, so I'm pretty talkative on there.  It's nice to connect with others, and "friends" are free to unfriend me if they don't want to know my kid had a book recital or my hands really hurt.  I do try to post a lot of positive articles on mothering and homeschooling though, too.  I've been trying to be more positive overall, so posting about my love of motherhood isn't a condemnation of others, but a way for me to share something with other mothers I know so we can reaffirm ourselves and our lives. And I have some friends I know that need that message reaffirmed to them.

 

I'm sorry those people are annoying you with what you see as them needing to be validated.  Perhaps it's time to cull the friends list and find people you have more in common with?  I don't mean that rudely.  I cull my friends list rather frequently. :coolgleamA:  

Oh I totally love FB for all of the above reasons.  Most things I scroll past if they annoy me, if one particular person posts a lot of things that annoy me, I hide them if I don't necessarily want to unfriend them but just don't want to see their crap (even if it's a political view I agree with, for example, I don't need to see 50 videos per day on WHY IT IS RIGHT :lol: ).  I've unfriended people plenty, but usually unless it's someone who I really just see no reason in keeping a connection with on FB for some reason, I don't want to delete friends on FB who I know IRL and see on a regular basis.

Sometimes I wish some people wouldn't be so serious on FB.  Like they have 6 kids but never have a funny story to tell - come on!!  That's some of my favorite stuff - weird/silly/funny things kids do, and I love pictures.  I'll look at everyone's pictures because I like to.  

I didn't mean this to relate to anything like that at all.  I rarely post articles and stuff but that's because I only usually read them from there and I don't want to repost something that other people have already shared - I figure a fair number of my friends have already seen it.  I did share a blog post once, just so that I could say how much I DISagreed with it - yeah, that turned out great. ;)  But I've definitely read articles and stuff that other people post, especially if they don't seem to be about the same ol' thing (pick something - why insert current polarizing parenting thing here is bad/good/etc, because I've already made up my mind; or anything sappy about why parenting is so wonderful/being married is _____/God is so awesome/etc.  I feel like a lot of those are all repeating each other and I've read it all before.  I don't begrudge others for reading them or even sharing them with their friends publicly - it's the throwing in the *we are so awesome and we sacrifice everything to be moms so we need to remember how great we are!* and pretending that everyone should feel just the way they do that makes me cringe.)

I post tons of pictures, status updates every few days at least, just depending on if I think I have anything interesting to say, etc.  

I posted our family pics today.  I think FB is great.  :D

 

[Desert Strawberry]

All of those "Hardest Job in the World" posts make me think these ladies haven't had too many truly difficult jobs in their lives.