Disappointing college options, a bit of pathetic lamenting, & Christian Content

[Susan in TN]

I'm feeling rather sad about ds's college prospects this morning.  He has been accepted into the 4 schools he's applied to, and has done very well in his 3 auditions so far (final audition is this weekend).  I'm just feeling a bit down because the 2 higher ranking schools will not likely be financially feasible for us, and the 2 where he may have full rides (or close) are decent schools, but definitely below his scholastic and musical ability. 

 

Back in the summer and fall when it was time to apply for schools ds was just so uncertain of where to apply, except for these 4 (mostly) local choices.  We talked about applying to IU (Jacob's School of Music), North Texas, and others, but ds was just either overwhelmed with the choices or felt he had no way to really make good decisions about them.  So we let them go.  I'd bring them up every so often, but ds was still mostly ambivalent, at least outwardly. Now after his acceptances and auditions, I think he is realizing that he really had many more choices and good options.  I've told him that we can certainly still apply to any school he's interested in and see what happens, but so far he's not shown any real interest in doing that.  The worst part is that he's not excited (yet) about any of the 4 schools he currently has to choose from. 

 

So I'm having to pray quite a bit that I will remember that God is leading ds through these circumstances.  And that a prestigious university is not necessarily where ds needs to be next year.  And that it's OK to eat chocolate for breakfast on days like these. :o

[Starr]

:grouphug:  I don't think they can process all these decisions. Eventually they just get on a train and go with it. Applying and auditioning is, as you know, exhausting but if you seen another good viable choice I would push it, with much encouragement. It's also quite possible to take a gag year. 

 

 

haha  gag year, make that gap year. 

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm sorry you're feeling down.

 

Has your son had a chance to visit the two schools that are realistic financial possibilities and really explore what they have to offer him?

 

My son and I just got back from a weekend at one of the small liberal arts colleges to which he's been accepted. He did some auditions while he was there and also interviewed for an additional scholarship. As part of the scholarship event, the students and parents attended presentations about various special programs offered at the college, including their honors program and a couple of different themed programs that sound really cool.

 

This is definitely not the most selective or prestigious college on my son's list -- the average ACT scores and GPAs of admitted students are lower than my son's stats, and admission to the performing arts degree programs is not competitive -- but he came home pretty enthusiastic about the school, feeling like he could be very happy there if it turns out to be the best bet for him.

 

And, yes, in your place I would definitely strongly encourage my kid to go ahead and apply to a couple of more exciting possibilities and, perhaps, contact the department(s) in which he was interested to ask if there were anything he could do to improve his chances of a late admission.

 

The one thing that I would want to stress, though, is that applying late may also mean there is no or very little scholarship money left. So, consider whether any of the more prestigious schools would be realistic possibilities, financially, if he is not eligible for much or any aid.

 

In your place, I might also remind my son that he is not obligated to remain at whichever college he chooses for all four years. If he buckles down and really shines, academically and musically, at a local school, he might well be able to transfer somewhere else for his junior and senior years. (Obviously, this isn't easy, and some conservatory-type programs don't take transfers. But it might be an option worth considering.)

 

Best of luck working out a good path for your son. I hope he finds a way to be happy and challenged wherever he attends.

[JennW in SoCal]

I'm a working musician, though was not a music major. My thoughts here are based on the people I know and work with.  

 

Some of the most creative and talented musicians I work with are products of just "decent" music programs.  It is a joy working with them because they love music, look at it as a collaborative effort,  and as I'm generally working with them in a church setting, they see music as a ministry.  Their love of music was nurtured at these decent schools, and their network of contacts for gigs started there and continues after graduation. There are excellent teachers at "decent" programs and many opportunities to perform and explore new genres.  

 

As a teen I watched some very talented musicians head off to prestigious music schools only to quit after a semester or year because they couldn't take the pressure.  Or they couldn't get past suddenly being last chair after always being the top in our small city.  The talent pool at those schools is breathtaking, and many of those very talented young musicians are very driven and ambitious.  I wouldn't push a kid into applying and auditioning for such a school unless he was eagerly gunning for such a place. 

 

No doubt you are planning this, but make a point of having your ds spend some time in the music departments where he's been accepted. Wander the practice room halls, look at the bulletin boards, sit in on a class and a rehearsal. See if he can have a lesson with a teacher. Let him find the place that feels like home, where he can safely explore and grow his talent.  

 

Enjoy your chocolate for breakfast!  It is definitely essential some mornings during the college admission season!

[Myra]

I know it is hard when financial reality limits our child's college choices.  From the very beginning, I have told my boys not to pick their top three choices UNTIL we receive the financial aid packages (even though I know that they secretly do!) We make spreadsheets for the colleges we've applied to with their tuition & housing fees then as the acceptances come in with any scholarship aid we add that info to the spreadsheet.  When all the info is in, my kids then can easily see the top three financial choices and make their decision from that.   It is sad for us as parents not to be able to provide the "world" for our children.  It's depressing, but an unfortunate part of being an adult and this college decision is perhaps their first step into that harsher reality that our kids take.  It teaches our kids they can accept the facts, adjust their expectations, and find the positive to thrive in their given circumstances.  Hang in there!  

 

Myra

 

PS

I started a diet today so I'll enjoy that someone is eating chocolate!

[Laura Corin]

Have you thought about a gap year?  He could reapply and in the mean time use his music to volunteer in old people's homes, for example.

 

L

[Nan in Mass]

I'm sorry you aren't feeling excited about any of your son's options.  I don't really have any advice.  I just wanted to offer a hug and to tell you that not being excited is really normal, at least in our family.  We all, parents and children and extended family and friends, felt really ambivalent about going to college.  It is the start of being grownup with grownup worries.  It probably means living away from home.  It means leaving friends and family and beloved pets.  It means hard work.  It is scary.  If you have "potential", you have all the worry of trying to live up to that potential.  You have all the family honour riding on your self-discipline and learning and abilities.  You don't want to let your parents down.  On the parents' side, we try our hardest for our children and want the best for them.  If they have abilities, we are super scared that we won't manage to provide the opportunities that will help them to develop those abilities.  When the choice of college is made, the nebulous is made concrete and we are left facing our regrets and what-if's and should-haves.  And we are about to lose our beloved child.  If you have managed to get your child into a college at the top of what you feel are his abilities, you are scared to death that his upbringing hasn't equipped him to survive socially and academically.  If you are forced to compromise, you are sad about the lost opportunities.  You can't really win.  You just make the best of whatever happens.  You try to find things to look forward to, like more time for your own projects or your parents or your other children, and try to find nice things at the new colleges for your son to look forward to, like clubs or programs or classes.  It is ok to feel ambivalent.

 

O - and I guess I do have some advice.  Eating chocolate for breakfast helps but you probably want to mix that jolt of suger with some protien, like a glass of milk or a handful of nuts, or the sugar spike will leave you feeling even more fragile and dismal in a few minutes.  Peanut m+m's or chocolate milk are good. : )

 

Nan

[Wilma]

He could totally wait a year, right? And start fresh on the application process?

 

I'd encourage him that taking auditions at the more prestigious schools is an interesting experience - I loved auditioning at Northwestern (though I didn't get in) because it was basically a mini-lesson with one of the assistant-principal players in the Chicago Symphony!  She was super gracious and kind and it was a cool day. 

[8filltheheart]

I know it is hard when financial reality limits our child's college choices.  From the very beginning, I have told my boys not to pick their top three choices UNTIL we receive the financial aid packages (even though I know that they secretly do!) We make spreadsheets for the colleges we've applied to with their tuition & housing fees then as the acceptances come in with any scholarship aid we add that info to the spreadsheet.  When all the info is in, my kids then can easily see the top three financial choices and make their decision from that.   It is sad for us as parents not to be able to provide the "world" for our children.  It's depressing, but an unfortunate part of being an adult and this college decision is perhaps their first step into that harsher reality that our kids take.  It teaches our kids they can accept the facts, adjust their expectations, and find the positive to thrive in their given circumstances.  Hang in there!  

 

Myra

 

PS

I started a diet today so I'll enjoy that someone is eating chocolate!

 

Myra this is our reality as well.   My ds is a go with the flow kind of kid and really is stepping back from the process until all of the chips fall, but it is depressing for me that his options are going to come down to pure financial decisions. 

[Elisabet1]

I feel like my daughter had so many options and worked so hard all those years, and then things dropped off when it came to college. She didn't really apply to any reach schools that actually interested her. She is limited to schools she could have gotten in to even if she did far less the last few years. And it is numbing waiting on financial aid offers to know if she can even attend any of these.

[Susan in TN]

I feel like my daughter had so many options and worked so hard all those years, and then things dropped off when it came to college. She didn't really apply to any reach schools that actually interested her. She is limited to schools she could have gotten in to even if she did far less the last few years. And it is numbing waiting on financial aid offers to know if she can even attend any of these.

 

It is hard to go through these things.  Dh reminded me that, really, it's probably not as hard for the kids because going to college is pretty exciting, no matter what school it is.

 

Thanks Everyone!  I'm feeling a lot better.  Some scrambled eggs, less coffee, and more water helped, I think.  :)

 

Jennifer, Dh said about the same thing to me this evening - some of the most "fulfilled" musicians never went to prestigious schools.  And ds and I have discussed the ins and outs of a high pressure conservatory, and I think we both agree that that's probably not the right fit for him.  We will visit each school at least once more, mostly to talk with the applied instrument and composition professors, and I think that will also help him a great deal.

 

[Nan in Mass]

Susan, my extended family has been having a similar discussion about a niece's college choice and the pressure put on her by outsiders to reach higher.  The Family was that for this child, a more comfortable college choice would be better because we want her to be able to develop more parts of her than just her major academics.  So much of what she becomes will depend on her internal development.  We all tend to think that she will get farther internally if she isn't subjected to a ton of external pressure and has more time to develop at her own pace with a some breathing space.  This isn't true of all people, of course.  Some truly thrive on the pressure and wilt and quit where it doesn't exist.  Those peole will go far but not necessarily be happy and comfortable.  We tend to be more happy-and-comfortable type people than go-far type people.  It seems to me, in music, that so much depends on the interior of the musician rather than what he learns externally that a bit of room to develop internally without as much external pressure might be a good thing?  I don't know.  Some of it has to do with mentors and who you find to play with, doesn't it?  It is hard to tell where any particular person will find those particular matches.  We have a friend who was "discovered" by Berklee but decided not to go because it would mean stopping playing with his jazz musician friends.  He decided he would learn more by continuing to play with them than by getting a second degree from a conservatory.  I think all homeschooling mothers should be issued a crystal ball.

 

Nan

[FaithManor]

John Williams was a Julliard drop out. I made good money as a professional pianist before choosing to homeschool full time and my first choice, Oberlin, did not award enough merit aid for me to afford it. I ended up at a decent LAC, most certainly NOT a big name music school since Eastman and Curtis also did not offer enough money. It didn't hurt one bit. If anything, my professors were able to learn to know me for me and figure out how to push and motivate me while not worrying about their super, stellar, conservatory reputation that must not be marred. I had two friends that made into conservatory with enough money to afford it. One was at Eastman and another at New England School of Music and both dropped out after one year...too much pressure, dog eat dog competition. They felt like they couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't live...just practice. They had no lives and ended up deeply depressed. Meanwhile, I was thriving where I was at and learning soooooooooo much!

 

:grouphug:

[flyingiguana]

My daughter, the amazing flute player and singer, is probably going to go to a school that has a "meh" flute teacher.  She's already tried lessons with her and doesn't see the point of ever doing any more with this person.  And there's only one teacher.

 

BUT, there's a guy at the local university where she DOESN'T want to go who would be a really good option as a flute teacher.  So we're guessing that she will do college at the one place, but take lessons with the amazing teacher at the university.  It will cost us more money for the lessons, but that will be way more than offset by the savings at the small college where she's getting a better tuition deal.  (This is assuming she doesn't just continue lessons with the teacher who isn't at either place.)  And it looks like she could do voice lessons with a great teacher at another nearby college,if the teachers at the college of choice turn out to be not so great.

 

She won't be in as challenging an orchestra or band, so that's a disadvantage, but it does look as if the choirs are pretty good.  (I'm hoping this will just mean that she gets to play all the solos ... except that she will likely give a lot of them up just in the interests of fairness.)

 

However, she doesn't want to be a music major.  She wants to major in something else while continuing to work on the music.

 

I mention all this because maybe the best choice is to go to a college with a better tuition break and not so great private teachers IF there's a nearby option that will make up for those teachers.  Is there a college your son has been accepted to that might fall into this category?  One in a city that might have attracted a lot of musicians?  One near a university that has a decent music school?

 

We're a bit fortunate, however, that she will be going to a school very close to a lot of other colleges.  Also, it's very close to where we are, so we have a pretty good idea already as to which teachers are worth spending time with.  As it turns out, she's actually tried lessons with a number of the local flute teachers who teach at the colleges around here.  Many of them really aren't at her level.  Maybe she should have applied to some place like Julliard.  Oh, well, there's always a masters in music.

 

We also have a few professional orchestras near us, so there are teacher options there -- although we've discovered that being able to play really well doesn't always translate into being a great teacher.

 

It is true that being around other good players can both instruct and challenge a student, but probably the biggest thing that will lead to improvement is a great teacher and lots of practice.