Aubrey Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 So I've been thinking. I mean, I'm scared. I tried this AM on my own, & only made it about 5 min. Dh was here, & I really don't know how I'd have done it w/out him. When he went to the bathroom, I was ready to break the door down. LOL But this baby...the thing is (& I can't remember if I told y'all this on the old boards or not)...I dreamt that we were pg every night after we moved here. It was to the point that I told dh I figured we should just assume we're already pg--I wasn't sure if abstinence would even make a difference. (J/K) Anyway, I know I've told y'all that we were told while I was pg w/ #3 that we might not be able to have more children. We tried for her for over a yr, & since we were only 27-28 when she was born...well, I guess that falls into the category that they suspect problems. They *found* them after I was pg, so who knows what hit when? My point is, while I believe that all children are from the Lord, there are some that...seem to be a special delivery? I don't know if that's the right way to phrase it. But sitting here in the middle of my overwhelming fears of how on earth I'm going to make it through the next year or two (or three???) of trying to mother & hs & diaper, feed, discipline, & keep alive these 4 dc, I can see the Lord's hand. I can't fool myself into believing that this is my own problem that I brought upon myself & now I'm stuck dealing w/. I *know* this baby--timing & all--is from the Lord. And I'm finding that as I accept that He put baby here, & not just *here* but *now,* I have a peace that allows me to look at the situation more broadly. And I can see how it's changing me & how it's going to change me. Not that I can see it all, by any means, just that I can see *something* lol. I mean...I've got a pretty short temper & perfectionist-type standards anyway. On top of that, I don't handle pg hormones well. I can be a beast. The no a/c thing wasn't pretty. Kwim? But you know how one can panic over the wrong color shoes or a stain on a blouse or something small like that? But then in a true emergency, one can be amazingly calm & can *see* what's necessary? It's like that around here. (At least, so far, lol.) I'm speaking so softly & gently to my dc. My hs goals are changing. In seeking mere survival, I'm finding what really matters. We're spending more time together. We're reading more stories. When dc get in trouble, the discipline I"m doling out is more restorative than punitive. Kwim? The most important thing amidst the chaos is that you know I love you. And I have a feeling that as I let my academic goals go by the wayside for the yr (as in, take a backseat to something else, not just abandon them), we'll actually learn more. Retain more? And I don't mean on a philosophical, spiritual level, but actually academically. Well, all of it, really. I guess I'm coming to see that the only way we *can* survive this is if we let it change us. And while I can see that that will be messy & painful, I also see something beautiful being formed in the darkness. I'm trying to embrace & cherish the coming storm because I know how life is. No matter how hard a season seems, there will be things we miss about it once it's over. That's all. It was a hard day, & I'm just anticipating a few more to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 I guess I'm coming to see that the only way we *can* survive this is if we let it change us. And while I can see that that will be messy & painful, I also see something beautiful being formed in the darkness. I'm trying to embrace & cherish the coming storm because I know how life is. No matter how hard a season seems, there will be things we miss about it once it's over. That's all. It was a hard day, & I'm just anticipating a few more to come. You rock Aubrey! (someone give this girl some rep...I'm all out) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 What a beautiful sentiment! And given that the post-pg hormones are probably raging now, you seem to have clarity that could only come from God. Blessings to you and your family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8filltheheart Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 You know Aubrey, even though the days are hard when they are all so little, it is a blessing that they are all there together. I posted on one thread that my biggest regret is not being able to simply revel in them being little anymore. With my older kids we were spontaneous. We would go hunting for adventures....bird nest, squirrels, tossing food on an ant nest.....anything. I feel so trapped by the responsibilities of my older kids that I feel guilty for not being able to do the squishy between the toe stuff with my little ones. I think you have been given a great gift of insight. These moments are fleeting. Our oldest turns 19 in 2 days and it feels like a blink of an eye since he would look at a piece of paper and make one swipe across it and declare the picture colored. Trust your instinct on this one. It is right on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in CA Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 :grouphug: Aubrey, I don't really know you, but I can see courage, grace, strength, and incredible trust in the Lord in you. May God continue to reveal Himself to you and shower you with blessings during this time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E_Edgerton Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Wow, what a post! Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. I am out of rep. points, but thanks.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Oh sweetie, what a beautiful post! :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 \ I'm trying to embrace & cherish the coming storm because I know how life is. No matter how hard a season seems, there will be things we miss about it once it's over. That's all. It was a hard day, & I'm just anticipating a few more to come. Hey there. Good to see ya! I am soooo excited for you! And eagerly anticipating my own baby soon.... I love that line about the storm. We do miss things that were good when the season is over. And in years to come, the storm never seems to have been so intense, we remember mostly the good and the bad seems minor. You have the right attitude! Is there anyone else who is looking in on you? Bringing food? Taking the children out to play for an hour so you can breathe? Anyone stopping by to wash a sink full of dishes and sweep your floor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 And I have a feeling that as I let my academic goals go by the wayside for the yr (as in, take a backseat to something else, not just abandon them), we'll actually learn more. Retain more? And I don't mean on a philosophical, spiritual level, but actually academically. Well, all of it, really. I had a friend do this last year for health reasons. She was not disappointed with the results. You speak words of wisdom Aubrey. If you are in God's plan, nothing will bring you down. Blessing to you and yours. These weeks fly by fast! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 I mean...I've got a pretty short temper & perfectionist-type standards anyway. On top of that, I don't handle pg hormones well. I can be a beast. The no a/c thing wasn't pretty. Kwim? But you know how one can panic over the wrong color shoes or a stain on a blouse or something small like that? But then in a true emergency, one can be amazingly calm & can *see* what's necessary? It's like that around here. (At least, so far, lol.) I'm speaking so softly & gently to my dc. My hs goals are changing. In seeking mere survival, I'm finding what really matters. Holy cow how did you get in my head? I am like that too, panic over mundane crap but in a real emergency am calm as can be. I am sorry to hear you had a rough day but it sounds like you are making some awesome changes. When I had my dd at the start of last school year, I put academics on hold until close to Feb, and just went into survival mode of getting through eah day, bonding as a family etc. In feb we started actual school and the kids blew through most of it, I was amazed at how much they had growna dn learned even when we didn't do school for so long. I have alo been undergoing a transformation since my youngest was born. I have a lot longer to go before I have the insight that you already do but it is a work in progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 No matter how hard a season seems, there will be things we miss about it once it's over. So true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in VA Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You are blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Hang in there Aubrey! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 But sitting here in the middle of my overwhelming fears of how on earth I'm going to make it through the next year or two (or three???) of trying to mother & hs & diaper, feed, discipline, & keep alive these 4 dc, I can see the Lord's hand. But you know how one can panic over the wrong color shoes or a stain on a blouse or something small like that? But then in a true emergency, one can be amazingly calm & can *see* what's necessary? It's like that around here. (At least, so far, lol.) I'm speaking so softly & gently to my dc. My hs goals are changing. In seeking mere survival, I'm finding what really matters. Way to go, Aubrey. I am proud of you, really! I just repped you and it went through w/o my name...tried to pm you to tell you and your inbox is full! Wonder why! ;) Anyway, that was me, and you need to clear your inbox. :grouphug: and prayers for a great day today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Aubrey, you are a truly beautiful person! Thank you for sharing with us! Your post just brightened my morning! -Robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 Dh has been home until last night. He's done EVERYTHING. Every dish. Every load of laundry. All the discipline. Everything. We have never had more than one meal when a baby comes, & that's always been from mil. (She's bringing one tonight, btw.) But this time? So many people are cooking for us, it's ridiculous. Actually, I think maybe they've seen my cooking, & it's an intervention. My point is, I'm *completely* spoiled. Yesterday was hard, but not in a very bad way. Not in a dh-went-back-to-work-&-I-can't-do-this way. (That might be today, though, lol!) We tried to get baby's pics made. You know how that should take an hr but often ends up taking 3? It took 7. :blink: But it *did* get done, which is what mattered most to my hormone-induced craze. And my inbox? Can you believe I've got chores to do on the boards, too? There are people I want to reply to, but I have to make room to even do that. I think I need to print sweet pms & hit delete. Uh-oh. Baby cries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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