Prayers/Advice on making things "easier"

[Rubix]

It looks like I will be single parenting for awhile.  My DH has been moved out (but only into the other half of our duplex) for about 3 weeks.  Finances are way, way too tight for him to stay elsewhere.  We've been trying to maintain some contact, with him coming here and visiting the kids, and most recently having his family over for a Christmas celebration this weekend (they don't know).  This is not working, and I need distance.  He has borderline personality, and is very difficult at times.  Today, as he was working around the house to get ready for his mom to come, he stopped to help our kids win a level on a wii game.  He died in the game, and because my 4 year old DS had put his character into a "bubble", the game ended.  He swore at him for doing that. 

 

I have told him I won't tolerate the yelling, swearing, belittling, and bullying the kids.  He said to me, You're such a _____.  Leaving the word unsaid.  Since he was asked to leave after calling me a bit__ 3 weeks ago, apparently he thought it was fine to just leave that word out.  He basically feels that I need to cut him more slack while he "works" on things.  At this point, he threatens filing for divorce because I said he needed to go back over to his side of the house and cancel the gathering today.  I've got to mamma bear my kids, and that means I'm on my own. 

 

Anyway, I know that we need space if this is to work.  I do love him, and he can be a good man to me and the kids, when it suits him.  It wasn't always this way, but anything involving his family leads to problems.  But, having him here isn't working.  I really need some time to heal from the hurt, he needs time to get counseling and work on his anger issues.  This isn't meant to be DH bashing at all.  I know he needs help.  He was very abused as a child, and unfortunately now it is being taken out on us.  At the end of the day, he does want to be married, but in the heat of the moment, in anger or frustration, he will NOT control himself. Then later he is very upset and sorry, but the damage is done by then, kwim? 

 

My dilemma is that I am SO overwhelmed.  We have a house that is torn up in remodeling, I am 31 weeks pregnant and have a 6 and 4 year old.  I am working part time (and he was the one with the kids while I worked evenings).  My pregnancy is high-risk.  In addition to the homeschooling, and general day to day housework, I have the stress of all of this emotionally, these major projects to be finished before the baby (which I can't / or shouldn't do myself), and 2 kids that are having a hard time too.  Having him here working on projects while we are here is not working at all, because he has such an attitude that he picks fights, acts like a bully to me and the kids.

 

Any thoughts on managing this or getting through the next several weeks?  Hints at keeping things lower maintenance when you've had to parent alone through health issues, pregnancy, etc?   I'm getting some paper plates and cups to cut back on dishes, and the kids are helping, but they are emotional too, asking me why Dad is being so mean to them.  Has anyone actually been able to reconcile with a spouse with anger & mental health issues?  I just would like to cry & sleep but I have these two little ones counting on me to keep them calm and cared for. 

 

Then I start on the possibilities of divorce, what I'll do financially, whether he'll be there when this baby is born, if I'll be able to keep being home with the kids (which was the plan after this one is born), homeschooling, etc.  Then I want to cry & sleep even more.  :crying: Maybe just the venting will help...

 

This is so not what I signed up for. 

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

I agree with checking into what resources are available.  Ask for help from your family.

 

 

There is no one more vulnerable than a woman with a baby.  Get somewhere safe before baby comes.  

[plain jane]

What is the other side of your duplex like? Could you and dh "switch" sides for a while and he can do the repair work that needs to be done on your "home" side and then switch back again? That way the work would get done but you will both get the separation that it sounds is much needed at this time. Of course this would only really work if he is willing to put the effort in to fix up your home for you and your children knowing he may not live there long term. :). Perhaps you can hire out some help of he's not?

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

[Just Kate]

I'm so sorry. Dh and I went through a very rough patch when I was pregnant with dd and it was so stressful. I don't really have any practical advice, but I wanted to give you  :grouphug:  and let you know I will be praying for you.

 

[lmrich]

Schooling can wait. Take that off your plate. Just read and count with your kids watch a Magic School Bus cuddled up in bed. So sorry this is happening.

[Laurie4b]

Do you attend a church or something where people would bring you meals? If not, settle on really easy stuff, like sandwiches or soup (depending on what your kids like) or Cheerios. You can give up totally health eating and settle for "good enough." I agree with letting school be very low maintenance. Any friends who can help you out?

[Rubix]

No advice, but :grouphug:

 

Thanks, sometimes that helps the most :)

 

Can you talk to someone - family (yours), counselor, clergy? There are resources out there. What about calling a domestic violence hotline? They'll have resources they can refer you to. And, yes, his bullying of you and the kids is abusive. Hugs to you.

 

Right now we're working with a pastor at our church.  However, with all the holidays communication with him has been scarce.  They're gone until New Years Eve, so I'm hoping to hear from them when he is back in the office after the holiday.  They've offered to help move him out, etc, but the only way we could really afford for him to live elsewhere would be if I were to pick up extra shifts at work, which won't really work well. 

 

My family is here, my mom has been helpful with some day to day stuff, making sure I eat, and ear to listen, and some company.  She's also homeschooling my 3 younger sibs and working PT so it isn't consistent.  If I need to I can see if my older brother can help finish the kids room.  He's done floors like this before and can help with moving the stuff I can't lift. 

 

The only people who know right now though are my parents and younger sibs, and now possibly his family as he stormed out last night and went to his mom's house, and has not come back.  I was trying to keep his issues private, but I don't think that is workable long term. 

 

:grouphug:

 

I agree with checking into what resources are available.  Ask for help from your family.

 

 

There is no one more vulnerable than a woman with a baby.  Get somewhere safe before baby comes.  

 

Thanks, I haven't looked into outside resources, I'll have to start.  I wish this didn't all happen during this pregnancy, I know the stress is such a bad thing. 

 

What is the other side of your duplex like? Could you and dh "switch" sides for a while and he can do the repair work that needs to be done on your "home" side and then switch back again? That way the work would get done but you will both get the separation that it sounds is much needed at this time. Of course this would only really work if he is willing to put the effort in to fix up your home for you and your children knowing he may not live there long term. :). Perhaps you can hire out some help of he's not?

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

 

Well, here's the thing.  My parents and siblings live there.  He's living with my younger brother right now.  We were in a position where he HAD to go, my BP was up, I was facing bedrest / pregnancy complications if I continued to deal with the stress and abuse.  But, there was no $ for a hotel / apartment, his family is the source of a lot of his anger issues and were not a good option.  He doesn't do well in relationships and doesn't have friends to stay with. 

 

There's room for him there, but adding me and 2 kids to a 3 bedroom half duplex that already has 2 adults and 3 teens would be tight.  I may try to leave during the weekends if he's willing to do the work and just take the kids somewhere all day so he can get the stuff done.  I *think* he would do it, but I'm not willing to have him hurting me and the kids if we are in the house at the same time. 

 

If I am able to get help, it would have to be someone who would help out just to help.  There's not really anything I could pay them with, without not paying something else unfortunately. 

I'm so sorry. Dh and I went through a very rough patch when I was pregnant with dd and it was so stressful. I don't really have any practical advice, but I wanted to give you  :grouphug:  and let you know I will be praying for you.

 

Thank you :) 

Schooling can wait. Take that off your plate. Just read and count with your kids watch a Magic School Bus cuddled up in bed. So sorry this is happening.

Thanks :)  I need to let go of my plan for getting stuff done.  We have so many library books we can snuggle and read which would be nice for all of us. 

 

Do you attend a church or something where people would bring you meals? If not, settle on really easy stuff, like sandwiches or soup (depending on what your kids like) or Cheerios. You can give up totally health eating and settle for "good enough." I agree with letting school be very low maintenance. Any friends who can help you out?

 

Thanks for the ideas.  I should look into church more.  The pastor knows the issues going on, but probably not how much I'm struggling.  Other than him and his wife, we haven't shared much.  I need to let go of my desire for privacy, which is hard.  This isn't *my* problem, but it is embarrassing to me to admit what is going on, or ask for help.  I've been making a big meal and eating leftovers for a few days.  We don't go through as much with just the 3 of us.  I need to get some easy groceries too, and of course the kids have allergies and intolerances which always makes grocery shopping easier....or not. 

 

 

Thanks everyone.  I really appreciate the hugs, support, and advice.  I know we'll make it through it, one way or another, but when facing the day is overwhelming, looking at the next 2 months is just depressing!  I need to remember to take it one day at a time. 

[jrn]

:grouphug: I can relate to some of it.  I'll be praying for you.

[maize]

I sent you a PM.

[Joanne]

Rubix,

 

Please get some accurate information. You believe some myths about abusive men - and that misinformation is making you vulnerable.

 

A good place to start would be "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

[Guest]

 

 

The only people who know right now though are my parents and younger sibs, and now possibly his family as he stormed out last night and went to his mom's house, and has not come back.  I was trying to keep his issues private, but I don't think that is workable long term. 

 

The one thing I will say is that you should NOT keep his issues a secret.  That is helping to enable his behaviour.  His problems are HIS problems, and I am guessing in the past, he has leaned on the fact that you wouldn't tell anyone how he was.  Your concern right now should be you and the kids.  As much as it hurts to want to change him, he needs to want the help before it can be given.  Praying for you.

[Χά�ων]

This is excellent advice!

Rubix,

Please get some accurate information. You believe some myths about abusive men - and that misinformation is making you vulnerable.

A good place to start would be "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

[maize]

A thought on helping the children get through things: I think you are right to stand up to your husband and call him out on inappropriate behavior, and to place limits (he can't be in the house if he treats the family badly). I think it can help to explain to kids that sometimes people have illnesses that affect their brains, and when that happens the person sometimes is not able to really see and understand what is going on around them, or to understand how they are hurting people. Your kids are young, but they can understand a little of that and it can help them understand that they are not in any way responsible for making their dad angry, there is a reason for his anger that is completely out of your or their control and in some ways out of his control. You and the children can't fix that problem, you love him but you need to protect yourselves from his hurtful behaviors.

 

I'll try to think of any practical tips for surviving right now. It's especially hard when there are special dietary needs since that can rule out a lot of easy pre-packaged foods. No extra money makes things even harder. Have you looked into any assistance programs you might be eligible for? This is the time to take advantage of whatever is out there.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I just want to say "Good for you!" for asking him to leave, even though you are so vulnerable right now.  I can tell you have a strong character, which is going to serve you well. 

 

I think you need to put your needs and the needs of your kids above his needs, and proceed from there. Have you had an explicit meeting with your family, those who live in the other side of the duplex? You must.  They need to help and support you, and they have a right to know why your DH is living with them, and the possible outcomes if his personality disorder is pointed at them.

 

Call and see if you can get a free consult with a divorce lawyer, just so you know what your rights are and what his are.  This can be done on the phone instead of in-person, if you can't get out alone. If you are concerned about him having custody of the kids, you need to know what to do to get any abusive behavior documented. Remember, talking to a lawyer does not mean you have to go and file.  It allows you to know what to expect if you choose to file in the future, and plan accordingly. Knowledge is power.

 

IF you must keep working (and that might not be worth it due to the high risk pregnancy), can the kids go to the other side of the duplex, so others will be there while he watches them?

 

Your kids are SO young. Let homeschooling go, or do only fun projects that aren't taxing. Read together, or watch children's films of good literature. (I just watched James and the Giant Peach with my girls and it was fantastic). If you 6yo wants to go to school, consider it. He will be in safe, structured environment for 6 hours a day. If things are very tense at home, it might be a relief for him to get out. You can always resume homeschooling when things are better.

 

Take care of yourself and let everything that is not critical go. I hope your family and church will help you.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Rubix]

Rubix,

 

Please get some accurate information. You believe some myths about abusive men - and that misinformation is making you vulnerable.

 

A good place to start would be "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

I requested it at the library...thanks for the recommendation. 

[Rubix]

A thought on helping the children get through things: I think you are right to stand up to your husband and call him out on inappropriate behavior, and to place limits (he can't be in the house if he treats the family badly). I think it can help to explain to kids that sometimes people have illnesses that affect their brains, and when that happens the person sometimes is not able to really see and understand what is going on around them, or to understand how they are hurting people. Your kids are young, but they can understand a little of that and it can help them understand that they are not in any way responsible for making their dad angry, there is a reason for his anger that is completely out of your or their control and in some ways out of his control. You and the children can't fix that problem, you love him but you need to protect yourselves from his hurtful behaviors.

 

I'll try to think of any practical tips for surviving right now. It's especially hard when there are special dietary needs since that can rule out a lot of easy pre-packaged foods. No extra money makes things even harder. Have you looked into any assistance programs you might be eligible for? This is the time to take advantage of whatever is out there.

 

Thank you.  They are much more peaceful when he isn't here, but until things change, if they ever do, we're just dreading him being around. 

 

I've stressed to them that this is him, not controlling himself, and that it is not them.  I see them though, trying to "suck up" for lack of a better term to him, when he is here.  I can see that they are on eggshells, trying either to not make him mad, or to make him happy with them. 

 

I haven't looked into assistance.  I know that we don't qualify for anything when we count his income.  I don't know how it works since he's technically still living at this address, we're not legally separated, etc.  I'll need to look into it more. 

[Rubix]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I just want to say "Good for you!" for asking him to leave, even though you are so vulnerable right now.  I can tell you have a strong character, which is going to serve you well. 

 

I think you need to put your needs and the needs of your kids above his needs, and proceed from there. Have you had an explicit meeting with your family, those who live in the other side of the duplex? You must.  They need to help and support you, and they have a right to know why your DH is living with them, and the possible outcomes if his personality disorder is pointed at them.

 

Call and see if you can get a free consult with a divorce lawyer, just so you know what your rights are and what his are.  This can be done on the phone instead of in-person, if you can't get out alone. If you are concerned about him having custody of the kids, you need to know what to do to get any abusive behavior documented. Remember, talking to a lawyer does not mean you have to go and file.  It allows you to know what to expect if you choose to file in the future, and plan accordingly. Knowledge is power.

 

IF you must keep working (and that might not be worth it due to the high risk pregnancy), can the kids go to the other side of the duplex, so others will be there while he watches them?

 

Your kids are SO young. Let homeschooling go, or do only fun projects that aren't taxing. Read together, or watch children's films of good literature. (I just watched James and the Giant Peach with my girls and it was fantastic). If you 6yo wants to go to school, consider it. He will be in safe, structured environment for 6 hours a day. If things are very tense at home, it might be a relief for him to get out. You can always resume homeschooling when things are better.

 

Take care of yourself and let everything that is not critical go. I hope your family and church will help you.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Thank you.  It was a very hard thing to do. 

 

They definitely know, they have seen and heard enough to know what was going on, and my mom is pretty protective of the kids and this new baby.  They're not having him there as a help to him, or to take his side, but really to keep him away from us.  When he's there, and there are no expectations of him, no one bothering him, and he can just work and pretty much do whatever he wants, he is not acting out at them.  If he started, I know my mom wouldn't subject her kids, my siblings, to this and would ask him to leave, regardless of the fact he has no where else to go. 

 

I'll look into a consult.  I don't want to get divorced, especially with custody issues.  That is really what scares me.  I do need to document, and find out the procedures for doing so.  The actions are never physical, but instead consistent verbal and emotional abuse.  As much as it's not what I want, it is getting closer to being necessary.

 

I would love to just take off work, I'm far along, exhausted, my BP is creeping up.  The two considerations I have are money, as we are counting on my 1-2 shifts a week for the next 4 weeks.  Also, I know that it will really tick him off if I don't work.  If I was officially on bed-rest or unable to work that would be ok for him, but if he feels like I am making the choice not to, it will make things difficult.  Maybe I shouldn't care!  My mom has said she can help watch them, but only part of the time I am at work, because her kids have activities where they are gone from 630-930/10 the nights I work....which is most of the shift the kids are awake for. 

 

We did some art projects which was relaxing.  DD is officially enrolled in a virtual school (although we choose our own materials and schedule so nothing is required to be turned in or done on their schedule).  She wants to be home for sure, and DS because of his b-day can't do 4K anyway, he's happy here too, and I am trying to take advantage of the quiet time and get in some extra love for them. 

 

I have a lot to think about this week!  Thanks for the encouragement. 

[Joanne]

You need some kind of formal and legally backed agreement. A formal separation if not a divorce. In your current situation, you are too vulnerable.

[Alicia64]

Everything Joanne said. And I'll add re: your kids. I had to explain to my kids that their grandparents have mental issues -- and they do. The main thing I emphasize over and over is that it's not their fault. None of it is their fault. Wrong place, wrong time.

 

I know this sounds lame w/ everything you have happening, but I agree w/ the poster who said "cuddle and watch Magic School Bus." Seriously. Cuddle, have hot chocolate, watch fun shows. LOVE your paper plate idea. Do whatever you can to make life easier.

 

Here's another wacko idea that came from a survivor of the Holocaust: as you go through your difficulties imagine what you'll say one day to other women about how to survive. Explain -- in your mind -- in detail how you first contacted a lawyer, but didn't like him so found a new one. How you ate a lot of pizza and watched a lot of cartoons to soothe the little guys. How you relied on your church. (This idea is from Victor Frankl and really works.)

 

One other thing: my husband was once out of a job when my twins were two. We never once thought about food stamps. Simply never occurred to us. Don't be too proud to take any of that kind of help.l I want our taxes to help moms in your situation.

 

And. . . I'm so, so sorry. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Alley

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Rubix. :(

 

I have to say, though, that I am incredibly impressed with your determination to protect yourself and your children, and that even though you're pregnant and have young children, you're not giving in and putting up with your dh's behavior just to "keep the peace." You did the right thing by no longer allowing him to live with you and the kids.

 

I do think, however, that you need to see a divorce attorney immediately, even if you're not planning on divorcing your dh at this time. You need a legal separation agreement that provides for you and the kids and that establishes some sort of custody arrangement. If your dh is unstable, you need everything to be legal and in writing.

 

Sending you lots of :grouphug: and support. Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need to vent.

[maize]

One other thing: my husband was once out of a job when my twins were two. We never once thought about food stamps. Simply never occurred to us. Don't be too proud to take any of that kind of help.l I want our taxes to help moms in your situation.

 

And. . . I'm so, so sorry. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Alley

Given the high risk pregnancy combined with all the stress, your OB might be willing to order bed rest if you suggest it. Find out if you would qualify for benefits if you didn't have the income from your job, if you would you may not really be gaining anything by working. And don't feel bad about taking any help that is available, you cannot carry the whole weight of this situation on your own shoulders and you should not have to.