Would you want to know?

[Scarlett]

I don't agree when there is an affair involved. I've never seen it help, but only hurt, when the aggrieved party pushed for details. To know the who, why, when, how the deceit was accomplished is important, but a lot of details about the what... only hurtful. I think that's what the pp was getting at.

Are you saying you would keep an affair a secret from the wronged party? I am not sure I am following you.

[Parrothead]

If it were money, addiction, cheating - even just a one night (afternoon) stand, or abusing the children (or another child) I'd want to know.

[Parrothead]

Here's my problem with this thread -- not that anyone cares what my problem is, but I'm posting it anyway.

 

If the guy isn't secretly gay, and he hasn't cheated, gone out to strip clubs every night of the week, used drugs, robbed banks, or done anything that would cause his wife to leave the marriage, why can't you just stop being so cryptic and mysterious and just tell us what he did?

 

Seriously, there is no way that any of us can be of any real help to you if you don't tell us what's going on, and judging by all of your posts to this thread, it's not something that will land the guy in jail or ruin anyone's life, so I'm finding all of the pussyfooting around to be kind of irritating.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know someone is going to get annoyed with me and say that you're guarding your friend's privacy and I shouldn't be so nosy, but on a forum where no one knows your real name, let alone your friend's name, I don't see why you wouldn't post what's going on. If you want to know what people would do in your situation, it's pointless to start a thread about it if you're not going to give us the slightest clue about what that situation actually is.

 

Shoot, Cat!  The only thing left is cross-dressing.

 

[Catwoman]

Shoot, Cat!  The only thing left is cross-dressing.

 

And if he's a cross-dresser, she should definitely be told, because if nothing else, she could double her wardrobe. ;)

[Barb_]

Ok here's an example. Husband say she's going on a business trip, which is true, but leave four days early to see a concert and doesn't tell his wife. She has a newborn, homeschools, and a son with aspergers who is a handful. It's deceitful and a crappy thing to do, but a concert isn't something someone would get upset about. It's the circumstances that are problematic. Some guys lie in order to do what they want to do instead of what they should do.

[Aspasia]

We really can't say if he's a jerk, unless we know what's going on.

 

I'll give you an example of my own DH's "deceitful" behavior. When we were both students, I once vented to a friend that we didn't have any money, and that I thought DH's eating out while at work was wasteful, and that I was planning to make sure he took home made lunch to work. So we chatted away, and that was done.

 

Then DH and I talked about it, and it really made sense for DH to buy lunch as it was important social time for him and his coworkers and his boss. And that was done.

 

Months later, my "friend" shared, with much drama, that she's been observing DH eating at the food court almost daily (she worked in the same building). Yep, she was sharing his "secret" with me. She was sure I'd be appalled. She was sure that DH was lying to me about not eating out. I, on the other hand, was quite irked that she was "observing" my DH for me.

 

The OP seems to be quite genuinely upset, so possibly it is not something like our eating out "deceit" of the days past, but she hasn't shared any relevant information here. She also implied that she's disgusted with the deceit, not necessarily with the actual act that is being supposedly lied about. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the DH is necessarily a jerk.

Really? After YOU involved your friend (inappropriately, in my personal opinion) in a marital issue...after YOU chose to confide in her and sort of invite her onto your "team"...you got mad at HER for trying to look out for you? That is a strange interpretation of friendship to me. Of course, I don't personally find it appropriate to gripe about my spouse to my friends. But if I did, and then that friend tried to help me out in my gripes, I can't imagine being perturbed with HER.

[Aspasia]

Ok here's an example. Husband say she's going on a business trip, which is true, but leave four days early to see a concert and doesn't tell his wife. She has a newborn, homeschools, and a son with aspergers who is a handful. It's deceitful and a crappy thing to do, but a concert isn't something someone would get upset about. It's the circumstances that are problematic. Some guys lie in order to do what they want to do instead of what they should do.

Um...I would absolutely want to know about that. If my husband lies to do what he wants to do, I consider that symptomatic of a deeper problem--like, he obviously feels trapped to some degree, where he can't do the things he wants to do without LYING to his wife. We would need to chat about how to meet his needs while also meeting mine.

 

Also, doing this when wife has a newborn and homeschools and has a child with special needs means she's married to a selfish jerk, and she has every right/need to know that.

[Excelsior! Academy]

If a man lies to his wife, he would lie to anyone.  It is a character issue.

 

Tell.  If it is bothering you enough to post for advice, then it probably IS a big enough issue to tell.  Be gentle when you tell and prepare for the possibility of losing a friend.

[SKL]

If a man lies to his wife, he would lie to anyone.  It is a character issue.

 

Tell.  If it is bothering you enough to post for advice, then it probably IS a big enough issue to tell.  Be gentle when you tell and prepare for the possibility of losing a friend.

 

Not really responding to this comment in particular, but just a general thought that a lot of comments bring to mind.

 

It seems to me that a thing would have to be VERY horrible to justify disrupting both a friendship and a marriage.  Because where does that leave the wife?

 

If it was really bothering me, I'd rather cut off contact with the guy or look for a way the wife could "accidentally" find out.  Or if the guy was someone I could talk to, I'd try to talk him into stopping whatever it was before his wife could find out.

 

Another thing.  If a person is a liar by nature, then that's who he is.  Telling his wife isn't going to change that.  (And, she has probably already noticed that.)

[Barb_]

Not really responding to this comment in particular, but just a general thought that a lot of comments bring to mind.

 

It seems to me that a thing would have to be VERY horrible to justify disrupting both a friendship and a marriage. Because where does that leave the wife?

 

If it was really bothering me, I'd rather cut off contact with the guy or look for a way the wife could "accidentally" find out. Or if the guy was someone I could talk to, I'd try t

 

o talk him into stopping whatever it was before his wife could find out.

 

Another thing. If a person is a liar by nature, then that's who he is. Telling his wife isn't going to change that. (And, she has probably already noticed that.)

Exactly. And it's a lot easier to work through these things with communication, patience, tears and maybe a little therapy without the scrutiny and knowledge of outsiders. The above post proves I'd be right to worry my friend was secretly loathing the husband I decided to stick things out with, or worse, considers me a controlling b*tch.

[Aspasia]

I just shared this quandary with my dh and he reminded me that I am in a similar position. My friend's husband told my dh that sometimes he takes vacation days from work and then goes to lunch and a movie, all while his wife thinks he's at work. When dh told me this, I was so angry for my friend. I mean, I knew this guy was a total jerk, but this really upset me.

 

Would I want to know if the situation were reversed? Oh, yes!

 

I have not told my friend about this behavior. But the reason I haven't is because I want to protect dh. This guy isn't like his best buddy or anything, but we do have a sort of family connection to these people, and we see them regularly and will forever. I didn't want to make THAT relationship--between my dh and hers--uncomfortable.

 

But I do hate knowing this information. I know that this friend knows a lot of other crappy things her husband does. He's really selfish, and she knows that. So I'm sure it wouldn't shock her, but I still hate knowing it without telling her. :(

[Scarlett]

Exactly. And it's a lot easier to work through these things with communication, patience, tears and maybe a little therapy without the scrutiny and knowledge of outsiders. The above post proves I'd be right to worry my friend was secretly loathing the husband I decided to stick things out with, or worse, considers me a controlling b*tch.

How can you work through an issue that you don't know exists? People have the right to know the truth about their own life.

[Alessandra]

Shoot, Cat! The only thing left is cross-dressing.

 

My thought, fwiw, the dh is looking to change jobs, has been doing a lot of interviewing. The job change would mean either a drastic cut in income, or a move to a new area, or both.

 

But, really, it would help to know about gambling or cross dressing. The advice could be quite different.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My thought, fwiw, the dh is looking to change jobs, has been doing a lot of interviewing. The job change would mean either a drastic cut in income, or a move to a new area, or both.

 

But, really, it would help to know about gambling or cross dressing. The advice could be quite different.

Or the dh is looking to hire a divorce attorney. . .  and/or is shifting assets.  

[momto10blessings]

It's difficult to gauge (for me, in this situation) if this is a "minor" thing to this lady or not. One thing I've learned from years on this forum is that what one person sees as major is just meh to another and vice versa.

 

Also, it's not a one time thing. For example he didn't sneak out to *A* football game once. He's going out to all the football games. Maybe this was a poor analogy but i am trying to remain vague. Please don't tear my example apart. :). That's more why I felt she should know. If it were a one time thing there is the whole bad judgment call, moment of weakness thing. Now it's premeditated and purposeful.

Next time it came up with him, I'd just say "listen, I can't keep this a secret from my friend anymore. Stop telling me about it/ do it in front of me or I will have to tell her"