A fairly usual socialization lament...

[Aspasia]

When I decided to homeschool and dh had his socialization concerns, I allayed those concerns by listing all the social opportunities that homeschoolers have. You know the ones.

 

The problem is that I almost never do any of them. We live in an area with a very active homeschool community. Our group has multiple activities a week from which to choose. My biggest problem is that most of the activities that would appeal to my dd are always right smack in the middle of my baby's nap. If I decided to skip the nap and power through, it would just be a miserable experience for everyone. I end up not going most of the time.

 

I feel guilty. I feel like my kids are bored. They play outside all day and live for the evening when their neighbor friends come home (no other stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood). And then dd's friends have to do homework, so they can't even play. We go to church on Sundays, so the kids get to be around kids then, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel like they were missing out on something by being homeschooled. :(

[Lori D.]

... We live in an area with a very active homeschool community. Our group has multiple activities a week from which to choose. My biggest problem is that most of the activities that would appeal to my dd are always right smack in the middle of my baby's nap.

 

 

I see a few options:

 

1. ask grandma, relative, or family friend to take DD; they might love to have special regular time with DD

2. plan/organize your own activities that fit your schedule and invite others to join you

3. do what activities DO fit your schedule and give DD the social time she wants (even if it wasn't her first choice activity, she'll have fun with friends); and that also allows you to build relationship with other families and make friends so that:

4. now that you're part of the group, you can occasionally ask if the time could be shifted for an event that DD REALLY wants to do.

5. now that you know the other families in the group and they know you and DD, you can occasionally ask if one of the other parents could take DD to the event, so baby can nap.

6. now that DD has made friends in the group by going to activities, invite the group to a weekly play date or Park Day time once a week that you host

 

 

BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

[My3girls]

I work from home so have the same issue.  I don't have the nap time to contend with, but I have to be hear at the pc and phone so we miss out on those homeschool activities as well.  Everything is always scheduled in the middle of the day never in the late afternoon or evening. I signed my girls up for Cross Country which meets 3 times a week and Girl Scouts which meets three times a month.  I, also, let them schedule play dates and sleep overs.  They are not seeing their friends everyday like they did in ps, but they are seeing friends several times a week, and that is just going to have be good enough.  Are their any extracurriculars that you can look into?

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

Remind yourself that this, too, shall pass. Believe me when I tell you that you are wise to stay home when your dc are so young. Really.

 

Do you have a car? Maybe you can plan one day a week to go somewhere on your own time schedule. Sometimes just getting out of the house is valuable, even if you're not doing something with other people.

[boscopup]

At that age, I really didn't get the kids out to go play with other kids. They had built-in playmates at home. My kids are very good in social situations, despite not having practiced it or having been "socialized regularly" with other kids. In fact, the kid that HAS been to school has the weakest social skills. Go figure. My middle son, who has never been to school, is the one who will go up to a strange kid, introduce himself (I never taught him this!), then introduce the kid to his brothers. They then all proceed to play like normal.

 

So I don't feel guilty about not getting out to play with other kids. My goal is to educate my kids at this point. They get to play some when school is over (there are a couple preschool girls across the street that they play with occasionally), and they see kids at church two days per week and are in a classroom with them. They are all socially normal.

 

I have one friend who doesn't drive (and you can't get *anywhere* here without driving), so her kids don't get to a lot of social things. Her DD is the most social butterfly I've ever seen. A new family will come visit the church, and this girl will go ask a visiting kid to sit with her! I've never seen any of the b&m schooled kids do that at her age (this was when she was 7 or 8).

 

I just don't believe that getting out and being around other kids that often is absolutely necessary for a young child who has siblings (now an only child is probably a different matter - they do need someone to play with).

[Aspasia]

I see a few options:

 

1. ask grandma, relative, or family friend to take DD; they might love to have special regular time with DD

2. plan/organize your own activities that fit your schedule and invite others to join you

3. do what activities DO fit your schedule and give DD the social time she wants (even if it wasn't her first choice activity, she'll have fun with friends); and that also allows you to build relationship with other families and make friends so that:

4. now that you're part of the group, you can occasionally ask if the time could be shifted for an event that DD REALLY wants to do.

5. now that you know the other families in the group and they know you and DD, you can occasionally ask if one of the other parents could take DD to the event, so baby can nap.

6. now that DD has made friends in the group by going to activities, invite the group to a weekly play date or Park Day time once a week that you host

 

 

BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

These are such good suggestions. Here are my hangups:

 

Our families live on the other side of the country, and we just moved an hour away from where we were living before, so no friends yet who I feel comfortable asking for babysitting help.

 

Planning my own activities would be so great...if I weren't already feeling super overwhelmed by life. I don't know, I'm just so tired (and pregnant), and it's all I can do to keep up with the house and "homeschooling". I say "homeschooling", because it's pretty pathetic--just absolute basics, and other than that, dd plays and writes and draws all day (she's extremely creative, so at least we've got that going for us.)

 

So really, I guess my problem has more to do with my own issues than it does with schedules, huh? I'm just really feeling like I can't do everything I am supposed to be doing. Every time I turn a corner in my house, I see something else that needs to be done and it's stressing me out. I just can't get to it all, especially with the way I feel lately (tired and sick). It makes me worry sometimes that maybe I should send dd to public school. I mean, I don't want to deprive her of something she needs just because I'm hung up on ideology. If I were actually homeschooling the way I thought I would, then homeschool would definitely be the best thing for her. But the way I'm currently doing it? I don't know.

[Lori D.]

These are such good suggestions. Here are my hangups:

 

Our families live on the other side of the country, and we just moved an hour away from where we were living before, so no friends yet who I feel comfortable asking for babysitting help.

 

Planning my own activities would be so great...if I weren't already feeling super overwhelmed by life. I don't know, I'm just so tired (and pregnant), and it's all I can do to keep up with the house and "homeschooling". I say "homeschooling", because it's pretty pathetic--just absolute basics, and other than that, dd plays and writes and draws all day (she's extremely creative, so at least we've got that going for us.)

 

So really, I guess my problem has more to do with my own issues than it does with schedules, huh? I'm just really feeling like I can't do everything I am supposed to be doing. Every time I turn a corner in my house, I see something else that needs to be done and it's stressing me out. I just can't get to it all, especially with the way I feel lately (tired and sick). It makes me worry sometimes that maybe I should send dd to public school. I mean, I don't want to deprive her of something she needs just because I'm hung up on ideology. If I were actually homeschooling the way I thought I would, then homeschool would definitely be the best thing for her. But the way I'm currently doing it? I don't know.

 

 

:grouphug: Oh dear, that really sounds like "pregnancy and toddler blues" talking.

 

 

I don't know your 6yo DD... But, as encouragement: I really don't think you're messing her up or depriving her. This is a season where your family is less able to get out for a number of reasons; children need opportunities like that to learn to accept that life does not revolve around them. DD will survive. :) And so will you. :) Actually, NOT going out can be a great opportunity for all of you to learn how to schedule, pull together, and train everyone from an early age to help with the housework and keeping things picked up, long before you have to start expending energy on the academics of homeschooling. You might take a look for threads by various posters who are "moms of many" and how they do it.

 

Or, if DD is very strong willed, has special needs, or is clearly going to fight you every step of the way of homeschooling, then don't feel guilty if you know in your heart that a public school would be best for her. But I would give it more time to know whether part of this is the accumulation of all the transitions -- the house move, a new sibling on the way, and the switch to homeschooling.

 

 

One idea I really recommend: can you afford a "mother's helper" -- a teen or a "grandma" or a neighbor -- to come in to your home 2-3 times a week for 2-3 hours at a time? They would be a new social element for the DC, give you a little time to lay down and rest, and could also do a little light housekeeping to de-stress you. That would also allow you to get to know them in the comfort of your own home while you're there to feel comfortable for possible future babysitting, and they might be able to recommend other babysitters to you.

 

Also, what about something like a weekly "MOPS" group (Mothers of Preschoolers) or other "mom's morning out" type of group that would give you the opportunity to drop off your children in a safe environment for 2 hours, and go home and put your feet up or take a nap, while they have some social time.

 

:grouphug:  Best of luck in finding the best options for this year! Warmest regards, Lori D.

[briansmama]

We just recently stopped homeschooling because of social reasons- my oldest (4th grade, always homeschooled) really wanted to go to school to connect with his friends from sports. For academic reasons I said no for a long time and finally let him go this year. He's thriving (though it has only been a week). My youngest (1st grade) begged to go too. At first I said no way, but then I realized that having two kids on opposite schedules meant that I'd need to be at the school for pick up/homework in the afternoons and wouldn't be able to get to homeschool park days/play dates with my youngest. So he's trying it too.

 

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I think it's great that you are considering your dc social needs. I'd suggest letting your dc tell you if they aren't getting enough socially though. My oldest is very social and he didn't require much when his little brother was a toddler and still needed his naps (which meant we didn't do many park days). He started asking for more around 3rd grade. My youngest only wants more because he sees his older brother playing with his friends and he gets frustrated trying to keep up with kids 3plus years older.

[songsparrow]

Consider also using a mother's helper or babysitter to help you meet your dd social needs - they could take her to some homeschooling functions while you stay home and rest with your baby.  That way she will get the socialization while you get some much needed rest!

[duckens]

We have had dd6 scheduled in regular after-school activities on almost a daily basis.  Gymnastics, swimming, whatever.  She's not necessarily with her preschool chums, but she has friends wherever she goes.

 

As others have said, this is a season in your life.  Two years from now, the baby's schedule will be different, and possibly not napping at all.  Are there any special-but-more-complex pr ojects your dd could do right now as "me-time"?  Learn to knit?  Do a latch hook? Draw all of the animals in an Ed Emberley book?

 

Time can be considered gained or lost, depending upon how one views it.

[...................]

Well I have a few thoughts..

 

Your oldest is 6 years old.  She won't miss THAT much.  However, I do not think that you can necessary stay home for another 2 years every afternoon, because of the nap.  I thought that most gymnastics and dance classes have the classes later in the day around 4:00.  IN fact, almost all the classes I knew of started then.  So I don't totally understand that you can't get to anything because of the nap.  If the baby is still napping at that time, then it will be no big deal to bump the nap up a bit.

 

6 is the perfect age to start dance, gymnastics, and even some sports such a soccer.  I am pretty sure you can find something after 4:00 or EVEN in the evening.  You can also look into a church AWANA program- these are always in the evening at a local church and provide a wonderful program for ages 4 and up, and sometimes even age 2 and up, in the Puggles program.  our church even provided nursery care in addition to AWANA if you wanted to stay and attend the Bible study we offered.  

 

I do NOT think that you need to run around like a chicken with your head cut off.  But I do think you need to look around for options.  

 

((HUGS))

 

 

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

Stay home. Keep them away from other children. I may or may be saying this because we've been getting colds non-stop from the kids at our co-op. 

[...................]

Stay home. Keep them away from other children. I may or may be saying this because we've been getting colds non-stop from the kids at our co-op. 

LOL! So true.  

[Kathryn]

I was always at home for older son's nap. Younger learned to nap on the go if needed. I certainly didn't schedule something during nap time every day, but once a week or so isn't going to be the end of the world. And if you're pregnant again, you're in for quite a few more years of limiting yourself if you're not willing to try to be flexible sometimes.

[lovinmyboys]

My fourth (and last) is 18 mos and I still really limit what we do due to his naps. My kids have never done well with naps on the go, so the activity that causes us to miss a nap has to be really good. I am going on 7 yrs of operating around naps. I figure by this time next year we will be more flexible and my oldest will only be third grade. Now, sometimes toddler will nap earlier or later depending on what is going on that day. Honestly, my 3 and 5 yr olds really still need rest time and my 7 yr old needs down time during the day. I think it is fine to stay home most days in the afternoon. I am a big believer that quality sleep is a need, so I do prioritize it.

 

I get what you are saying about the socialization, though. I think that is the hardest part for me in having four kids. I always feel like I am short changing one to give another what they need. Also, my 2nd grader is starting to really want friends..not just seeing random kids. I am trying to figure out ways to meet his needs. Lately, I have been letting him have kids over on Friday afternoons so he can play while toddler naps. I also have invited kids over on evenings and weekends. He also does extra curriculars twice a week in the evenings.

 

Having said all that, I think six is young enough that she doesn't really need to socialize yet. By this time next year, it may be easier to arrange more time for socializing. Don't be too hard on yourself!

[PentecostalMom]

Give yourself a break.  Like myself, you have a lot of littles.  As Ellie said, this too shall pass.  Sooner than you think, you will be shuttling them around to sports and practice and music and sleepovers and scouting, and, and, and.....

 

They are little, they (and you) will be fine.  Look at this as an opportunity to build family relationships and for the dc to be best friends.  It will pass all too quickly.

 

I do know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed and I have been feeling that way a bit since my littlest was born a few short weeks ago.  Breathe.  Slow down.  Learn to live with the mess a bit messier than you want and tackle one thing at a time.  I can think of ten things I want done in my house right now.  Extra things like cleaning the oven, not normal things like laundry.  I have been trying to do two "extra" things a week since dd was born, along with sort of keeping up with everything else.  The last two months of my pregnancy we only did the basics, and for the first two weeks after she was born.  I have slowly been adding other things in, but have more I'd like to do, in my little fantasy world, but right now it isn't happening.  I have pared down and am trying to do extras when I can. If we get done with the 3 r's on a daily basis I call it good.  If we get to something else, it's all gravy.

 

It will be okay really.  It is okay to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and exhuasted.  We all do at some time or another.  Some wise person once said, "When your children are little, the days are long, but the years are short."  I recite that to myself when wiping bottoms, or faces, or cleaning yet another spill.  It will be gone sooner than I want it to be. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[lllll]

..

[Susan in TX]

How much socialising do you think they would get if they were in school? And how much of it would be negative? And what would they be missing out on if they went to public school?

 

When my kids were in a local charter school, they didn't have recess and they weren't allowed to talk during lunch. There was very little time for socialising with the other kids. Then they came home and spent the few hours they had available in the afternoons doing homework. There was no time to play.

 

I think that for young children, socialisation outside the family is overrated. Sure, kids need playmates but that's what siblings are for. Ideally, there would also be other neighborhood kids to play with, but we don't live in an ideal world and putting them in school won't change that.

 

Susan in TX

[...................]

Oh yeah, I definitely want to agree with the previous poster, that school would not be any better.  They are so overburdened with schoolwork, homework, and testing these days.  Half the elementary schools have cut recess to once a day, and one school that I was zoned for in FL cut recess COMPLETELY 3rd grade up.  Can you imagine that?  I thought it was just a rumor but then I had two adult friends whose kids attended the school.

 

Your daughter might enjoy getting out and about and you might enjoy it more than you think, if you can find ONE thing once a week, other than church.  I personally like to get out a little. Just keep looking and patiently praying.  The right thing will come at the right time.

[mathnerd]

How much socialising do you think they would get if they were in school? And how much of it would be negative? And what would they be missing out on if they went to public school?

 

When my kids were in a local charter school, they didn't have recess and they weren't allowed to talk during lunch. There was very little time for socialising with the other kids. Then they came home and spent the few hours they had available in the afternoons doing homework. There was no time to play.

 

I think that for young children, socialisation outside the family is overrated. Sure, kids need playmates but that's what siblings are for. Ideally, there would also be other neighborhood kids to play with, but we don't live in an ideal world and putting them in school won't change that.

 

Susan in TX

I agree. My child goes to school and I afterschool. The school is rigorous and has rigid structure - no chatting in class, no lingering at lunchtime. My DS plays with his classmates at lunchtime recess and morning recess (25 mins total). We afterschool, so he does not hang out with neighbors (who also afterschool)! The only socialization he gets is if he goes to play T-Ball, soccer, martial arts or to the birthday parties and playdates. So, because your DD is not ging to school, she does not miss out much on the socialization.

[AmyontheFarm]

Could you try kid swapping with another Mom?  You offer to take her sleepy head napping toddler for a "sleep/nap over" and she can take your non-nappers to the event.  Then next time, you bring your sleepy head over for a "sleep/nap over" and then take her non-nappers to the event.  This way your child(ren) gets to the events more often and you won't have to worry any longer about "socialization".

 

I just went back and read the rest of the posts.  Honey, you are busy with life and having babies and toddlers is tiring.  I can honestly promise you that your child will not come back to you and yell at you on her wedding night that you didn't socialize her enough when she was 6!  Once I started putting things into that prospective, I was suddenly much nicer to myself and easier on myself.

 

Remember, if they won't complain about it, to you on their wedding night, then don't worry about it.  In 10 years you'll be writing about how you just wish you could stay home for more that 1 day at a time! LOL

[birchbark]

Planning my own activities would be so great...if I weren't already feeling super overwhelmed by life. I don't know, I'm just so tired (and pregnant), and it's all I can do to keep up with the house and "homeschooling". I say "homeschooling", because it's pretty pathetic--just absolute basics, and other than that, dd plays and writes and draws all day (she's extremely creative, so at least we've got that going for us.)

 

So really, I guess my problem has more to do with my own issues than it does with schedules, huh? I'm just really feeling like I can't do everything I am supposed to be doing. Every time I turn a corner in my house, I see something else that needs to be done and it's stressing me out. I just can't get to it all, especially with the way I feel lately (tired and sick). It makes me worry sometimes that maybe I should send dd to public school. I mean, I don't want to deprive her of something she needs just because I'm hung up on ideology. If I were actually homeschooling the way I thought I would, then homeschool would definitely be the best thing for her. But the way I'm currently doing it? I don't know.

 

I hear ya. We live rurally and my oldest is very social as well as being a lot older than his siblings. I am not social, and am the type that can't handle a lot on my plate. So I understand the feeling of being maxed out with just housekeeping and school, yet wanting to provide social opportunities for your kiddo.

 

The fact is, everything in life has its pros and cons. Sending a dc to school may solve some problems, but you will gain others. I had to realize that for us, there were more pros than cons for our current lifestyle. Like you said, I had to come to grips that I can't do it all, and not everyone in the family is going to have every need met all the time. As others mentioned, you can take comfort in the fact that this is a season that will pass.

 

What has worked here is having my very social DH do things with the kiddos when he can. He took my oldest to Cub Scouts one eve a week when he was younger. Now he is taking the older two to the homeschool choir each week. Between that, church, and normal gatherings with friends and family we are good.

[Rubix]

Would there be a way to pick just one activity, a day a week (or even just for a short time, something like an 8 week YMCA class) where you can bring baby along?  Hope for a nap in the car or something?  Or just plan to go to the park one day, or a library program.  Then you're not committed but can have a regular schedule.  We will pack up some schoolwork and go do it in a room at the library.  It's a change of pace, scenery, and they have to be quiet ;)  Then they get books, or even a movie if I am feeling extra kind. 

 

My kids are similar ages (except no 1 year old here) and I am also pregnant.  It's overwhelming to have too many activities, sometimes it is overwhelming to have any!!

 

I have let my DD choose - do we do Classical Conversations, Tae Kwon Do, Gym classes at the YMCA, or Awana? Not doing all 4!  She gets to pick and choose, and doesn't get overwhelmed with going too many places.  I still (sometimes!) feel like we have enough time for school and housework. 

 

I think with kiddos so little, the time with you, and you being calm is better than running all over for activities, with a stressed out mama!  No need to compare to what other people do. The amount of extra activities one family does will not work for everyone.  A good friend has a DS 8 weeks older than my DD.  He is in multiple activities (boy scouts, swimming, chess, t-ball, etc, etc).  They are gone 3-4 evenings a week at activities, nearly year round.  I personally could not handle that.  My DD couldn't either.  But, I need to see that my friend's family is different- one kid vs 2 and one on the way, and many more differences.  He's in school so they have to get all their activities in on the weekend and evenings.  I can take a day and decide on a whim to go to the zoo/park/library/museum.  When I start to question the limited activities, I remind myself  that it's ok that we do things differently.  Good luck with whatever you decide works for YOUR family :) 

[Tarreymere]

My older kids attended public school in the elementary years. Really, they were always told to "be quiet" and not socialize all day long! They were able to talk to other kids on the bus ride to and from, but that was about it. From the moment they hit the school doors they were expected to stand in line quietly, file into classrooms and sit quietly, not allowed to talk at lunch, and recess when they had it at all was fifteen minutes either before or after lunch. When they got home they had a lot of homework but I did try to let them run around outside for an hour or so first, though they were nearly always the only kids in our area who were allowed to do that. The other kids got home and had to get started right away on homework or went to after school daycare programs. What social activity took place in elementary school wasn't encouraging either. It was mostly name calling, teasing, or the like. The kids struck me as stressed, irritable, and competitive. 

 

I guess that the last few years in our district the schools have been a bit different. They have classrooms that have something called 'learning stations' and the kids get broken down into groups to cycle through four or more of these stations during the day. So, I guess that now the kids do get to talk to each other a lot more but I have some serious reservations about how they can possibly be learning math, for example, when six or eight kids go together to a 'math station' with one paper and have three or four math problems to work out 'together'. 

 

I tend to think kids do just fine in much smaller groups and with much fewer activities that are pretty closely supervised by adults. I'm not trying to raise socialites, I'm not trying to encourage my kids to think 'socializing'  or playing with other kids is a priority, and I think any kid's 'social needs' can be met by interaction with other humans that may or may not be the same age or gender in situations that may or may not involve playing, so I'm not about to make my entire family crazy trying to ferry the kids to age and gender segregated play activities every night of the week. You have several children and honestly, if you try to go down that road you are just going to make yourself more stressed for no good reason.

 

Kids play just fine by themselves and with any other kids they happen to come across. "Best friends" type of relationships don't usually start to happen until around age nine or so, and they are still fairly fluid and superficial until the teen years. Even so, I think learning some self discipline, appreciation, and patience by not seeing the 'best friend' or group of friends on a frequent basis are much better traits to foster than encouraging kids of any age to think that frivolity and parties with age mates are their due. 

 

 

 

[Hunter]

Sorry, I didn't read most of the thread, but my general response to socialization is:

 

Other children are like candy. A little is fun, but too much will make them rotten.

 

Children who spend lots of time with attentive and loving adults and have little contact with other children grow up to be well adjusted adults. Often more well adjusted than children who spent lots of time with children and had less adult contact.

 

Children cry for candy and they cry for more time with other children. Neither is necessary, and in fact can be harmful.

 

Let go of the guilt. Build a HOME. The children will be fine. See if you can read some biographies of children raised out in the jungles, in the arctic, and on boats who seldom even saw other children, never mind played with them.

[justme824]

Sorry, I didn't read most of the thread, but my general response to socialization is:

 

Other children are like candy. A little is fun, but too much will make them rotten.

 

Children who spend lots of time with attentive and loving adults and have little contact with other children grow up to be well adjusted adults. Often more well adjusted than children who spent lots of time with children and had less adult contact.

 

Children cry for candy and they cry for more time with other children. Neither is necessary, and in fact can be harmful.

 

Let go of the guilt. Build a HOME. The children will be fine. See if you can read some biographies of children raised out in the jungles, in the arctic, and on boats who seldom even saw other children, never mind played with them.

I love this and agree 100%. My ds9 is in 1-2 classes at a time and gets together with a friend maybe once a month. My toddler has plenty of time to be a toddler and get the sleep he needs. But most importantly, my kids haven plenty of time to develop a relationship with one another and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I don't feel like the nine year old is lacking anything socially.