Why do we REALLY teach table manners?

[Tranquility7]

I've always been in the camp of teaching good manners to show consideration to other people.

 

However, when DS and DD are sitting at the table by themselves, neither cares if the other is using good manners.  Frankly, DH doesn't really care that much either.  I really DO care - slovenly eating with huge bites shoveled in while hunching over the plate leaning on elbows, lips smacking, food dropping out, dirty glasses from not wiping mouths before drinking, etc. - it is all just so unpleasant, and so contrary to my upbringing.  But I'm the only one who *really* cares.

 

When we have guests or are guests, I think manners are important, and if we are not practicing them at nearly every meal (guests or not), they will not magically appear when others are at our table.

 

However... I feel like I can't make a good argument for why they really matter.  After all, good table manners seem to be yet another area for judging others.  Am I doing that when I am so aware of my childrens' horrendous manners?  If I teach them that all the habits I mentioned above are wrong/rude/inconsiderate/etc. and then we have a guest who exhibits them all, how do I keep them from thinking that the guest is wrong/rude/inconsiderate? 

 

I want to teach them  to simply love others and to never judge others by their manners, and yet I also want to teach them to *have* good manners themselves, and in doing so I am CONSTANTLY noticing, pointing out, and correcting their manners!  So what am I modeling to them??

 

And also, when we visit a family with really good table manners, DH and I both feel somewhat uncomfortable knowing our own family's table manners are not at that level.  I wouldn't say we feel judged (our friends are gracious and I'm sure do not judge us!), but I would say we feel inadequate, embarrassed, or something.  And so if that family is showing good table manners to be considerate to others, and yet it simply leaves guests feeling insecure and inadequate, is that really considerate?  Or is the problem just our own dumb pride?  If we ever get to a place where we actually have good table manners, I don't want others to feel inadequate at our table!  

 

Sorry, I know this post is rather rambling and nonsensical, I just have this all swirling in my head and only a minute to express it... Anyone understand what I'm getting at, though?

 

[TravelingChris]

Okay, here is an answer.  Like it or not, all of us are making judgements all the time and a lot of it is subconscious.  There have been many studies that have shown this.  So unless you think it doesn't matter how your kids will eat at that company annual dinner  or that lunch interview they may have, it would be wiser to teach good table manners. 

 

And look, I have no idea how much or little table manners have helped my dh rise in his career.  But somehow, I kind of think that if he was eating boorishly at the one or two times his senior rater ever saw him in person, he wouldn't have gotten a promotion.  No, he didn't get a promotion because he eats politely.  But, if the only time his senior rater ever personally met him, he was eating as a slob, I could definitely see it negatively affecting his career.

[dsmith]

Unless your family's manners are truly horrendous, I doubt the host is critiquing manners. Basic table manners, such as not talking with your mouth full of food so as not to spray it over the table, are easily taught. I think as long as the basics are followed, it is ok to be unsure which utensil is for what, etc. My parents were big on manners. My mother always told the story of her date correcting her manners at a nice restaurant. She was never taught proper table manners, and she was mortified. Of course afterwards she realized the poor manners of her date in correcting her, lol. The type of manners I find rather shocking when out would be talking with your mouth full of food, chewing like a cow, anything that would cause me to see the food in your mouth, elbows on the table especially if a head is leaning on a hand, and being especially loud in conversation. I have a cousin in law who is the nicest guy in the world, but when he eats it is just amazingly disgusting. It blows my mind. Everyone stares, lol. I'm sure your family is nothing like him.  :001_smile:

[Ellie]

Your children will not always be sitting across the table from each other. Believe me when I tell you that the rest of us don't want to see them "slovenly eating with huge bites shoveled in while hunching over the plate leaning on elbows, lips smacking, food dropping out, dirty glasses from not wiping mouths before drinking, etc." Neither you nor Mr. Glory should be subjected to it, either.

 

It is our obligation as parents to teach our children the things that will help them when they are outside the family. Good table manners is one of those things.

 

If I teach them that all the habits I mentioned above are wrong/rude/inconsiderate/etc. and then we have a guest who exhibits them all, how do I keep them from thinking that the guest is wrong/rude/inconsiderate?

 

 

You won't keep them from thinking that the guest is wrong/rude/inconsiderate. There's nothing wrong with thinking that someone who eats by shoving huge bites of food into his mouth while hunching over the plate has poor table manners. It is not a reflection on his *character,* only that his mother didn't teach him good manners (and it could be a character issue if he knows his manners are dreadful and disgusting but chose not to do better). Your obligation would be to teach your children not to comment on a guest's manners during the meal (or the guest's visit), while giving you the opportunity to point out (afterwards, of course) that yes, shoving food into one's mouth while hunching over the table is, in fact, disgusting, which is why you are teaching your children not to do that.

[NotSoObvious]

I agree with Ellie 100%. It's the same reason I teach my kids to write thank you notes, to not interrupt, to be respectful, to make their beds, etc.

 

It doesn't mean that we are strict all the time, or that we as adults even do these things all the time. It jut means that we are communicating to our children what society expects of them. I want my children to grow into adults who know how to keep a clean house and know that while our homes get dirty, it's best to clean them before company comes, you know?

 

I suppose it's all very relative to your own community and your own expectations, but I expect my children to be in situations and socialize with people who expect them to chew with their mouths closed.

 

Keep it up, Mom.

[happi duck]

...want to teach them  to simply love others and to never judge others by their manners...

 

I think you can look at it this way:

 

It is loving to the people you are eating with to not be gross.  So it is loving to chew with your mouth closed, take reasonable bites that won't cause dropped food, don't make gross chewing sounds etc. etc.

 

Also, if one is invited to be someone's guest at a nice restaurant or a formal dinner it is loving to act appropriately.

 

That said, I don't see manners as something that need to be taught harshly.  Everyone messes up sometimes.  We can be kind towards ourselves and others when we do mess up.

 

Summarizing, imho, we teach table manners because it is loving to not be gross.  We should teach manners non-harshly in a matter-of-fact way.  We don't judge the lapse in manners of ourselves or others because it is loving.

[DianeW88]

I agree with Ellie.  I am a stickler for etiquette.  If you don't have decent manners, you will appear to be low and common.  Not ok with me.

 

Also, manners must be practiced to ensure they are second nature.  Therefore, we do use proper table manners in our home for every meal.  Otherwise you risk your children neglecting them when they are out in public.  And believe me, seeing an otherwise well-respected colleague in his field, slurping, talking with his mouth full, or leaning over his plate with his elbows on the table is NOT what you want to happen at an important business function.  People will excuse a seven year old who loudly slurps up the last of his drink with a straw...they will NOT excuse a 35 year old.  They will simply think he's boorish.

[Dandelion]

Ellie summed it up perfectly.

 

Just one thing to add:  good manners aren't just a way of showing respect to others.  They're also a reflection of whether we respect ourselves enough to care about the impression we make.  

[Haiku]

However... I feel like I can't make a good argument for why they really matter. 

 

Good manner make it easier to live with one another ... both in your home and outside it. That's what manners are for.

[gardenmom5]

my bill's table manners were atrocious.  NO ONE, and I *mean* NO ONE, wanted to sit near him.  though he was really handy at appetite killing if you were on a diet. 

we have table manners because we do want to show respect for others.

[Mom-ninja.]

I teach and require good manners to be learned and followed because humans have moved beyond our caveman days. If my kids want to eat slovenly or ignore good manners they are welcome to go find a cave to live in.

 

Yeah, I'm mean. I own up to it.

[Luanne]

To me it is all about habit.  If they are in the habit of eating like pigs when it is just the two of them, then they will do it when there are other people at the table as well.