Flowing Brook Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 I have a friend that has a newly adopted eight year old son. His bio parents died when he was 2 and he was in foster care until his parents adopted him. Apparently his last foster parents told him to be really good so his new parents would not send him back. Well since J has been part of the family they have noticed that he keeps trying to be perfect so they won't send him back. He keeps talking about his next home. When his parents bought him some new clothes recently he said they felt too new and wanted some older clothes. He loves riding bikes. When his parents bought him a new one for his birthday he seemed afraid to ride it. When they asked him what he wanted for his bday he said a new kitchen floor. Which is what he over heard his mom talking to his dad about. The other day when he accidentally broke a glass. His mom found him sobbing. She finally got it out of him that he was afraid she would send him back for being bad. As I sad before he keeps obsessing about his next placement. Sometimes my friend thinks he starts talking about his next home just so she will reassure him that he is in his forever home. My friend is happy he is such a well behaved child however she does not want him be this way because he is afraid they will give him back if he does something wrong. They want him to realize they we all mess up sometimes. Sometimes it seems as though he is acting out just to see what they will do. So how other than keep reassuring him and keep loving him can they help him realize he is in his forever home. No matter what they love him and are proud of him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 My number one recommendation is to find a councillor who specials in adoption, especially as it relates to attachment disorder as soon as possible. It's definitely one of our would have, could have, should haves. I think we sat with our head buried in the sand hoping for the best but the reality is early help can make a big difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 I have a friend that has a newly adopted eight year old son. His bio parents died when he was 2 and he was in foster care until his parents adopted him. Apparently his last foster parents told him to be really good so his new parents would not send him back. Well since J has been part of the family they have noticed that he keeps trying to be perfect so they won't send him back. He keeps talking about his next home. When his parents bought him some new clothes recently he said they felt too new and wanted some older clothes. He loves riding bikes. When his parents bought him a new one for his birthday he seemed afraid to ride it. When they asked him what he wanted for his bday he said a new kitchen floor. Which is what he over heard his mom talking to his dad about. The other day when he accidentally broke a glass. His mom found him sobbing. She finally got it out of him that he was afraid she would send him back for being bad. As I sad before he keeps obsessing about his next placement. Sometimes my friend thinks he starts talking about his next home just so she will reassure him that he is in his forever home. My friend is happy he is such a well behaved child however she does not want him be this way because he is afraid they will give him back if he does something wrong. They want him to realize they we all mess up sometimes. Sometimes it seems as though he is acting out just to see what they will do. So how other than keep reassuring him and keep loving him can they help him realize he is in his forever home. No matter what they love him and are proud of him? They really need to seek professional adoption counseling. If he is newly adopted, they are in the honeymoon phase. What is most concerning is your statement saying his "last" foster parents. Do they know how many placements he had? He may not be able to form an attachment bond easily. They need to contact a counselor and get support as soon as possible. This is serious stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 I agree with the advice to find a counselor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 My number one recommendation is to find a councillor who specials in adoption, especially as it relates to attachment disorder as soon as possible. It's definitely one of our would have, could have, should haves. I think we sat with our head buried in the sand hoping for the best but the reality is early help can make a big difference. Not just adoption, but with an experienced counselor who has worked with the *foster care*, *trauma*, and *adoption* community. He's going to have neural pathways and brain habits related to all of it. And, there is likely more to the story if his was not in friend/family care after the death of his parents. That may also need specific support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 no Btdt but the above advice sounds good. Both the trying to be perfect and the testing are probably normal but beyond the lay persons abilities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 How long has he been with his new parents? I agree for looking for a therapist comfortable with addressing grief, loss, and attachment issues. I also would wonder if there was abuse in the prior foster homes. The overreaction to accidentally breaking a glass questions whether other accidents were "punished" in a way that others might define a bit differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 <sigh> It upsets me that adoptive parents are not given more resources and training in what to expect and how to respond to it. I sometimes want to scream from a rooftop: LOVE AND STRUCTURE ARE NOT ENOUGH!." "Normal" good parenting is not enough. (That rant is not directed at your friends, but at adoption agencies. They know better.) This behavior is not at all unusual. That doesn't mean it is "normal." It is not and counseling is needed, as pp's have said, counseling by a therapist specializing in older adoptive children. The counseling is for the parents, not just the kiddo. I also wonder how many placements he's had. That "last" set of foster parents were doozies. Ask who would say that to a child and then you know. One of our ministers just preached a sermon on the adopted brother of a friend of his who was like this. It was the first stage of many. Others weren't as nice. However, he is now a well-adjusted adult. So there is definitely hope, but how parents respond and how soon they get help can make a big difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 I agree with the others. This is big stuff. I wish them luck finding the best counselor available. I would also suggest that they communicate a clear plan of expectations and consequences for misbehavior - one they can stick to. Clear boundaries are comforting. It's good to know that all you're expected to do / not do is abc and all they'll do to you if you screw up is, at the worst, xyz. Then the child is likely to test these rules and boundaries, which is healthy and normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabinfl Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Professional counseling for the kid (check with their county/state, places like Caholic Charities, or caseworker for free or low cost options). The parents need help, support, and individual counseling as well -- local foster parents' support group might be a start for that as well. I rotate age-appropriate story books about adoption through our bedtime stories, esp. ones that talk about permanence. Even though we adopted infants, my kids have occasional questions about whether they will go back to their birth parents or elsewhere (they have half-siblings in long-term foster care). It's not the whole answer, but having it reinforced in many contexts can only help. They might also find ways to open discussions about their future together as a family -- plan a vacation for next year, talk about high school or what he wants to do when he grows up, things like that. Let him paint or decorate his room. Things that you would with any kid, but perhaps a bit more intentional and thoughtful. Show him that this is forever in actions, not just words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted August 3, 2013 Share Posted August 3, 2013 Counseling is a very good idea. It may be free for kids adopted out of the system. Those previous foster parents need their license revoked. His behavior reminds me of my sister J, who was fostered to majority by my parents from age 13. My mom said after the fact that when she started acting out in "normal" teen ways when she was 16 she knew she had grown secure in her place in the family and would be OK. But she recieved counseling the entire time she was with us, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 I have been led to believe ( by adoption training) that this would be a pretty typical insecurity about ever having a permanent home issue that just about all adopted from the foster system children have. The parents should have had this in training. I recommend they contact the agency for guidance. Here (Vic Aus.) the agency provide support for a minimum of 2 years to help new parents deal with these exact things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CyndiLJ Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 Counseling? Sure, it would probably help, and I agree that the parents need someone to talk to as much as the child does. But...this really is not surprising behavior. Not at all. We have experienced it to some degree with all three of our children adopted at older ages. It is heartbreaking to watch, and know that still they do not yet feel a sense of permanence (we are totally there now, with all feeling this is forever). Sometimes I think we just expect too much too fast. By that I don't mean 6 months, but 2-3 years of solid parenting and relationship building. A child who has been tossed around a lot will take a very long time to feel safe and recognize this one will stick. We want it to feel more comfortable for them, but it is rational and realistic for them to doubt and question. Frankly, it would be more odd if they didn't! We parents need to recognize that our adoptive children are actually acting quite normal, based upon their life experiences. It might be outside the norm compared to others, but for what they have been through, sometimes what we see are signs that they are processing things appropriately. There are things that can help with this specific issue though. Traditions and involving them, things that send the message this this is forever...like writing their name in cement on a patio, creating photo albums of all the events they have been engaged in with their new family and having it be a FAMILY album, not an album of the child that they can take with them if they leave (as they anticipate might happen). Christmas ornaments with them included as a family member (those personalized ones with faces for everyone), things like this send a stronger message than mere words, I have found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 Counseling and time are needed. But it concerns me that your friend is "happy he is such a well-behaved child." This child is clearly terrified, which is NOT the same as well-behaved. It sounds like a honeymoon to me, and when it's over, it may be over with a bang. (We, on the other hand, never had a honeymoon. Our daughter caused problems right from the start! :D ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 I really want to encourage your friend to make the commitment NOW in her heart that she will work through this NO matter what. What *I* think will happen? The kid may do whatever it takes to get them to get rid of him because he thinks it'll hurt less when it is done on HIS timetable rather than theirs. And it can be REALLY bad (my guess is that it can be much worse with an older kid. At least mine had a few things working against them due to age, experience, ability, etc). But if they will work through it and can say NO MATTER WHAT, it'll calm down in time. BTW, the time is much longer than most people would guess, me included. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 BTW, the time is much longer than most people would guess, me included. It took 6 1/2 years for things to settle down here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 It took 6 1/2 years for things to settle down here. I was gonna say, my kids have been home for almost 6 years and I'm still not willing to say we're on solid ground. Does the new adoptive parent have any other children in the home? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 4, 2013 Share Posted August 4, 2013 Find an licensed attachment therapist with experience in helping older adopted foster children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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