Bullying at camp....

[KrissiK]

So, ds comes home from camp Friday afternoon, says he had a great time except that J (a boy his age, a friend, I thought, who is also in our hs group) was picking on DS's friend D. It was even getting physical. Ds said he and the rest of the boys stuck up for D, though. Ds was pretty mad. Then I get to church today and talked to D's mom found out that J (the bully) was not only picking on her son, but on my ds and using racial slurs (ds is bi/racial). Apparently the rest of the cabin defended my ds as well, so that's a good thing. I haven't talked to other moms to find out if their kids were picked on, too. I'm just very disturbed by what went on and I'm not sure what to do. We go to a different church than the group that our boys went to camp with, but we are very affiliated with this church (I grew up in it) and our boys attend Awanas there, so our boys knew the kids, weren't really outsiders, etc. and I know J's family. I grew up with his parents. They seem like a really solid family. I'm not sure where this anger and bullying ugliness could be coming from. I think I should talk to the youth pastor at that church, I know the mom quite well from just life, and she's on leadership at our homeschool group. Do I talk to her? What do I say? Right now I'm so angry and disturbed I'm not going to do anything, but when I calm down.... then what? Dh isn't sure how it should be handled either.

 

And I just realized that I posted on the wrong board and have no idea how to move this to the other board. Sorry about that.

[swellmomma]

I would go to leadership.  ds9 went to a spring break camp, when he came home he had scabs from cuts and scratches and a broken suitcase thanks to the bullying he endured.  As well as all the comments that were said to him.  He never told anyone there.  The one time he tried he got told that the incident had been an accident (though ds said it was not-it involved a basketball to his face).  I contacted the camp director as soon as I heard about it, and she was appalled.  His cabin leader was suspended (they run all summer too) after it was learned that he knew about ds's biggest injury and did not only not report it, but did not take ds to the nurse for medical treatment(he had been pushed over one of those raised cement things in the parking lot, you know that cars pull up to, and took a chunk out of his shin, he has a nice scar from it now).  Anyway, she was very concerned, there was a full investigation as to the cabin leaders, the kids involved, the policies etc.  I was very satisfied with the end result. 

Anway, I would go to the camp leadership not the mother.  Let the leadership deal with it, because chances are it is not going to go well if you go right to her. At least that has been my experience in dealing with the parents of bullies.  There is a reason the kid is a bully, because he can get away with it.  So go to the leadership, inform them and let them take it from there.  I also think the leadership needs to know incase this bs carries over into awanas etc.

[Ravin]

What Swellmama said, plus talking to the youth pastor at the bully's church, especially since they might interact in that community again.

[Tammyla]

Your poor son and his friend.  I detest bullies and even adults that ignore or allow them to flourish.  I'd talk with the leadership and have them set up a conference with the bully and his parents.  That kid needs to be called on this and helped to find a better path for the future. 

[Harriet Vane]

Your poor son and his friend.  I detest bullies and even adults that ignore or allow them to flourish.  I'd talk with the leadership and have them set up a conference with the bully and his parents.  That kid needs to be called on this and helped to find a better path for the future. 

 

:iagree:

[Laura Corin]

I do think you should speak to the leader.  Hobbes was bullied on a cub scout camp once.  The leader (once she'd talked to a few boys and got a full picture) told the perpetrator that if she ever heard such a thing of him again he would be out of cubs and scouts for life.  Problem solved.

 

L

[KrissiK]

Thanks for the advice. It's along the lines of what I was thinking, too. Don't think going to the parents would do much good.

[warneral]

Well first, I am so sorry about this! Seeing that camp is over and the counselors are now on to other camps, I would first want to take the biblical route - if your brother sins against you go to that brother. So I would go to the mom and tell her what your ds said. If she doesn't take it appropriately, then bring in another witness (perhaps other kid's mom). From there I would go to leadership.

 

Matthew 18:15 from the words of Jesus

[warneral]

by the way, I think it would be hard to hear that my kid was bullied. It would be even harder for me to hear my kid was bullying someone! To hear it from my church youth pastor (realizing my friend told him instead of me) would be very hurtful. If she doesn't handle it appropriately (is defensive for instance), then by all means you will need a witness or mediator. But right now, you don't know how she'll handle it

[Pen]

What others said.  But, I also think it would be good to talk with the parent directly.  I have known a situation where a mom did not know her child was acting like a bully until told, and it seemed to be coming from a school situation that was allowing it.  It was only when the mom of the bully learned and she herself wanted it stopped that it did stop, because the school had been minimizing and denying the situation. And the parent was upset not to have been told sooner, since in that case the leadership never did anything about it, nor even tell her about it the complaint.  So the only way to know for sure the parent knows is if you say something to her, and that will also tell you much about her reaction.

 

I would also try to find out if this was new for J this summer, or if it has a past history from AWANAS time.  And trying to learn more about whether it was just the two boys, or more, and so on, might also be helpful.

 

I have bi-racial situations in my family also, and have been terribly saddened by the amount of racism encountered.  You (or your dc) may be reaching an age and stage where you have to deal with that more.

[KrissiK]

 

I would also try to find out if this was new for J this summer, or if it has a past history from AWANAS time. And trying to learn more about whether it was just the two boys, or more, and so on, might also be helpful.

.

Well, it was pretty surprising to me. Tis boy is my boys' age and they've had a lot of contact with him, he's been over to our house to play before and I've never heard of this sort of behaviour from him. Now, he can be a bit of a stinker, so when ds told me this I wasn't shocked beyond belief, but I think this is a little out of the ordinary. I will be talking to a couple other moms tomorrow of boys in that cabin. Hopefully I'll get more info.

[SorrelZG]

If it was my son, I would want you to let me know. You said you know the mom and I saw that you have reason to believe talking to her about it wouldn't accomplish much -- I'm sorry that is the case. I would still go to the parents first though, choosing to hope the best, and then deal with the situation from there.

[fraidycat]

I would go to the other Mom first.  Kids can be brats, and it's not always the fault of (or condoned by) the parents.

 

How many times a day do my children disobey me, or act inappropriately?  More than I care to count.  From the mundane, such as not tossing their trash in the trashcan or putting their dirty dishes away without reminders, to calling names, and to the much larger physical assault if they get really frustrated at each other.  I do NOT condone it, continuously correct or redirect, discipline, try to model and explain appropriate behavior, but kids will still be kids.  They seem to be a lot nicer to their friends and when out in public, but still....  In a case like this, I would want to know about the behavior so I could, once again, try to correct it.

 

 

[swellmomma]

I agree if this was simple bratty behaviour to go to the mom but there is a difference between bratty behaviour such as johnny played nice at camp all week, but this one day he was kicking and being mean.  That is a go to mom situation for sure. And out right bullying behaviour.  WHen it comes down to bullying going to the parents seldom works.

I prefer when people come to me about my kids bratty behaviour.  I get after them pretty darn quickly for it.  But they are not thought to be bullies at all.  Things like the racial slurs being said are taught, generally in the home, though not always.  Dealing with a parent who's child was throwing around racial slurs and targetting multiple kids etc is not going to go over well.  

Dealing with children who bully and their parents over the years I can say I have never gone to the parents of a bully and had a positive response.  Of bratty kids, I sure have and they have been thankful to find out what was going on so they could address it, I am the same way.  But I have had the parents of bullies, claim my kids deserved the treatment for whatever reason, I have had the parents flat out tell their kids in front of me that perhaps my kids need to be pounded harder next time to learn to not tattle, I have had the parent themselves fly off the handle and threaten violence, using derogatory remarks etc. 

Bratty behaviour is normal for kids from time to time, bullying is taught imo, especially when the child is using racial slurs.  Kids may bicker and get physical occasionally, but they don't use those phrases unless taught they are okay to use imo.