albeto Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't generally consider a "safe home" to be one where you're considered an unholy abomination by the adults present, especially considering the sky-high suicide rate among gay teens. Sorry. This is hugely important. This fact cannot be ignored. Abuse doesn't always result in bruises and broken arms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I didn't call anyone that. The worst word I'd ever use wrt to homosexuality is sin or disordered. But even if I agreed with your wording... Let me get this straight.. You don't think he would be safe with me, bc I follow Roman Catholic beliefs. Yet you presume his parents will think him an abomination and that's why you wouldn't tell them of his danger - bc you dont want to risk the people who think him an abomination kicking him out? So you think he should continue living with those same parenabominations hunk would make him feel like an abomination? Um. What? Seriously? That's some seriously convoluted thinking going on there. *confused* I think that, given his age, he doesn't have much of a choice about whether or not he lives with parents, at least not until he builds a better support system. I don't know what the parents believe, but it sounds as if they wouldn't be supportive. However, living with people who believe you to be "disordered" and "sinful" because of who you are as a person has driven more than one gay teen to commit suicide. So no, I don't think he'd be safe with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 DEFINITELY tell the kid about what has happened in the past to other teenagers who have had a relationship with people they met online. There must be news articles somewhere??? Unfortunately I don't know where. But I bet you can google it. The kid should have the information FIRST. I have no advice on telling the parents. That is too hard a question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't think who anyone is as a person is based on who they are sexually attracted to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I don't think who anyone is as a person is based on who they are sexually attracted to. You just call them "disordered". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I am stunned that so many think the parents should not be informed that their 14 yo is in such danger. Wow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 You just call them "disordered". Yes. Saying an ACTION or inclination is disordered is not at all the same as saying a PERSON is an abomination. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 No it isn't odd to think that just because I don't agree with who or why someone has sex with another person that I wouldn't kick them to the curb or offer them a safe home. People do all kinds of crap I think is sinful and it doesn't mean I would abuse them or not offer them safety and kindness. I'm rather disturbed everyone seems to be okay keeping his dangerous situation from his parents bc they seem to think letting him continue to live with parents they seem to expect will abuse him is better? *confused* smh I think it's a lesser of two evils thing. I think his odds are better with parents (who are not abusive as far a we know) than with a random person he met online. The parental situation doesn't appear ideal (though we don't really know) and he may run away anyhow, but outing him will likely tip him over the edge to running away AND take away his potential safe option (the OP - because I can't imagine he'd want to stay with the person who outed him). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 So we're choosing between abominable parents, insufficiently accepting relatives and CPS...with statistics suggesting strange online men the most likely winners? Ugh. The Comet can't come fast enough. At least the cousins knew what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Yes. Saying an ACTION or inclination is disordered is not at all the same as saying a PERSON is an abomination. What you call an action is part of who he is. Despite what you erroneously believe, the two cannot be separated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I think it's a lesser of two evils thing. I think his odds are better with parents (who are not abusive as far a we know) than with a random person he met online. The parental situation doesn't appear ideal (though we don't really know) and he may run away anyhow, but outing him will likely tip him over the edge to running away AND take away his potential safe option (the OP - because I can't imagine he'd want to stay with the person who outed him). No. It's choosing a known evil over the possibility of an evil. (ETA: not MY choice of wording!) We KNOW: (what you are claiming is the "lesser evil") He is behaving dangerously, untrustworthy, and secretively (and not just about being gay) That he is seeking inappropriate activity. That online strangers are seeking him, encouraging risk and he is responding to them. He has claimed he is willing to go with them if the opportunity presents itself. We think possibly: (what you are claiming is the "greater evil") His parents won't react well to him being gay. (there are plenty of negative possibilities to that possibility, but it's ALL possibilities. And even so, the odds of them being decent about it are higher) Why am I the only one who can see that what we KNOW is "evil" far out weighs the possible "evil"? And I don't think anyone even needs to mention the gay aspect. It's not like men don't prey on straight unhappy boys too. But seriously, telling younger cousins is not the best way to keep a family secret. I think whether he likes it or not, the parents are going to find out. I'd strongly urge him to tell them. I'd go with him. Or maybe he can write it on a letter that I could give them. Something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 What you call an action is part of who he is. Despite what you erroneously believe, the two cannot be separated. Sexuality is a part of humans. Many people choose to remain single and celibate for their entire lives. I imagine the reasons are varied...but none of that has ANYTHING to do with a 14 yo boy who has put himself in very dangerous situation. His parents need to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 No. It's choosing a known evil over the possibility of an evil. (ETA: not MY choice of wording!) We KNOW: (what you are claiming is the "lesser evil") He is behaving dangerously, untrustworthy, and secretively (and not just about being gay) That he is seeking inappropriate activity. That online strangers are seeking him, encouraging risk and he is responding to them. He has claimed he is willing to go with them if the opportunity presents itself. We think possibly: (what you are claiming is the "greater evil") His parents won't react well to him being gay. (there are plenty of negative possibilities to that possibility, but it's ALL possibilities. And even so, the odds of them being decent about it are higher) Why am I the only one who can see that what we KNOW is "evil" far out weighs the possible "evil"? . You aren't the only one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Why am I the only one who can see that what we KNOW is "evil" far out weighs the possible "evil"? I would consider the nephew's situation triage right now. As an aunt, I would want to save his life before finding the cure. There are several issues: * Lying and sneaking (may or may not be due to his parents' attitude) * Parent/child conflict (may or may not be parent driven) * His s*xuality (parents' reaction is unknown) * Threat to runaway and meet strange men The last would be my priority. I wouldn't reveal what my children told me, because they broke a confidence (correctly in my view) to tell me the truth. I would encourage my children to tell nephew I'm a safe harbor. I would let nephew know that I'm concerned, I'd invite him over, I'd feed him often, and I'd listen. I'd repeat, over and over, "If ever you need me, call me. I will be there." I'd make sure he has my home phone, cell phone, and email. I would read up on the various websites suggested here so I could pass the message along and expand the support system. I would contact those organizations and ask for advice. If nephew chooses to reveal his orientation to me, I would be ready to offer assistance. I would encourage nephew to tell his parents, but I would leave it up to him. I've seen loving, attentive parents damage the relationship with their child because they cracked down too hard, often out of fear and misunderstanding. IME, I know a teen who assumed, with little reason, the parents were narrow bigots. The parents did their best in a tough situation; it wasn't until adulthood that the grown teen was able to see the love and care the parents had offered. Unless the OP knows different, I wouldn't make any judgement regarding the parents. OP, you are in a tough situation. :hugs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I was one that said to be the go to person and not tell the parents and it had little to do with being gay. That is a part of the big picture with him, but in fact I was referring to the self destructive behaviours in general, such as going on this website in the first place. Even if he was a 14 year old straight girl I would be saying the same thing. I am saying that as a mother of a 14 year old boy and a almost 14 year old girl. If my kids felt they had to be secretive and were contemplating running away with some strange man off the internet I would rather they found a trusted adult to speak to and have someone guiding them in the right choices than have my kids feel like they had proof that adults could not be trusted (telling the parents) and therefore them take even more drastic bad choices. While I would absolutely tell the parents if I learned the child was packing up to go, or meeting up with these strangers I still don't think at this juncture of him just talking online it is time until I spoke to the teen myself. IMO, as someone who only knows the story as written here, and not the full dynamics what I see is a teenaged boy with a troubled spirit, confiding in his cousins as a call for help. He didn't confide in a friend or other person outside of the family. He confided in his cousins who are clearly very open and attached to their parents. My guess is he wanted them to tell the OP instead of asking for help himself. I see this as him cracking open the door and you have to find a way to open that crack further which can only be done with trust. If once I spoke to the teen and say where his head was at this point, and felt he was actually on verge on meeting with someone, or more than just saying someone would put him up if he ran away and actually planning on doing so etc than of course I would notify the parents. I just don't feel that with a teen it is necessary to go running to them right away. As it is the OP is getting this 2nd hand from her kids. I would want to touch base with the nephew and hear it from the horse's mouth so to speak before I stirred up any problems at home. Again the problems may not be due to the parent's acceptance or not of him being gay. But due to fury over a now 3rd hand account fo what the boy was actually doing. For all we know he was posturing to the cousins and it was all lies for attention. We don't know that, and I don't think stirring up strife between a teen and his parents where the relationship is clearly troubled already would serve to help the boy at all. I certainly hope my kids always feel they can come to me about anything, and continue to be open with me. But I would be very grateful if I knew they had a safe adult they felt they could confide in when life gets confusing and messy and they feel they can not speak to me about it. WHether out of fear, embarassment, shame whatever. It's not about my pride or proprietorship over them, I want to know that no matter what they have someone to speak to, to turn to, to be safe with even when they aren't feeling that from their parents. For me is not about the lesser of 2 or 3 or 10 evils. It is about a troubled boy with no one to turn to, whether the parents like it or not, they clearly are not someone the boy feels he can count on in a situation like this. For me it is about showing this boy that there is an adult there that cares about him deeply enough to be that safe haven when there is 1 or 2 or 3 or 10 evils. That he doesn't have to choose between any of those because he has a trusted adult that he can go to and it will be a good choice to make, and who while help him find his away past those evils without choosing them in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 IMO, as someone who only knows the story as written here, and not the full dynamics what I see is a teenaged boy with a troubled spirit, confiding in his cousins as a call for help. He didn't confide in a friend or other person outside of the family. He confided in his cousins who are clearly very open and attached to their parents. My guess is he wanted them to tell the OP instead of asking for help himself. I see this as him cracking open the door and you have to find a way to open that crack further which can only be done with trust. [...] I certainly hope my kids always feel they can come to me about anything, and continue to be open with me. But I would be very grateful if I knew they had a safe adult they felt they could confide in when life gets confusing and messy and they feel they can not speak to me about it. WHether out of fear, embarassment, shame whatever. It's not about my pride or proprietorship over them, I want to know that no matter what they have someone to speak to, to turn to, to be safe with even when they aren't feeling that from their parents. For me is not about the lesser of 2 or 3 or 10 evils. It is about a troubled boy with no one to turn to, whether the parents like it or not, they clearly are not someone the boy feels he can count on in a situation like this. For me it is about showing this boy that there is an adult there that cares about him deeply enough to be that safe haven when there is 1 or 2 or 3 or 10 evils. That he doesn't have to choose between any of those because he has a trusted adult that he can go to and it will be a good choice to make, and who while help him find his way past those evils without choosing them in the first place. Well said. Thanks for posting this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Some resources for the OP's consideration: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://www.trevorspace.org/ http://www.1800runaway.org/ https://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2 http://www.nyclu.org/issues/lgbt-rights/lgbtq-youth-project Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. Over the course of today, more information has come to light about the situation. We have found out that nephew has been to a therapist over the last few months and is on anti-depressant medication. He is meeting with his therapist again this week and has said that his parents are going with him to the meeting. At that meeting, he wants the therapist to tell his parents he is gay. He has not told the doctor about the chat site and some of the other things, but his older brother has caught him on the site and told his parents about it, which is why he has had his phone and iPod taken away. So, we feel that the parents may know more than we thought they knew. As such, my dh has decided to talk to his brother and offer support in dealing gently with this situation. We already offer a safe place for nephew and he is always welcome here, and is here a lot. I have not come right out and said to him that i know he is gay (because he is just not receptive to things like that from adults), but our kids make it known that we are a loving family and accept him the way he is. Hopefully over time, he will begin to trust us and know that we are safe for him to open up to. Clearly, he does feel that to a degree or he wouldn't hang out here as much as he does. To answer some of the concerns about his family... They do love him, but are really floundering over what to do in this situation. They are very well known in this town and have perfected an image that doesn't include a gay son. They have two older boys who are "perfect" and are extremely concerned about maintaining that image. Brother in law works for the school district and is the deacon of the church and the wife is running for public office in the fall, etc. Perfect image....so, this is really throwing them for a loop. However, this gentle child has been like this since day one so I am not sure why suddenly everyone is expecting him to be different. He is the child who for Christmas asked for pink dress up clothes and all the strawberry shortcake DVDs. Tell me why they are surprised now? My heart breaks for him and I do feel very angry and frustrated over how they are handling this boy. Thank you all, again, for your insight and responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you for the update. It sounds like his parents do want him to be okay, but like my family had an image to uphold and the child who didn't fit the mold was sol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Good on him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 At 14, this young man is really still a child so I believe you need to consider his safety first. He doesn't seem particularly mature for his age considering that he though your children were the appropriate people to confide in about his sexual and relationship issues. Therefore I would be doing whatever is necessary to make him see sense. He needs to understand that he isn't in an either/or situation where he must choose between reckless behavior vs staying in the closet. If his parents are not the right people to support him at this time, he needs to link up with other sources of support. But honestly, I don't think it's being gay that's the main issue. It's the fact that he is a 14yo and you can't tell whether some 'friend' online is a genuine person or a predator. Even if his parents disapprove of him identifying as gay, surely they would be more concerned about keeping his safe and encouraging him to have a healthy social life whatever that might lead to down the track. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I hope it goes well for him, and glad to hear he has therapy support in place and that the parents are monitoring his online activity. Though the nosy parker in me wonders what his parents' reaction was to the request for Strawberry Shortcake. I'm guessing from the OP's cautiousness that it wasn't to simply give him what he wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Sounds like they are much more involved and concerned than you thought. As far as the pink clothes and strawberry shortcake DVD.....I am assuming that wasn't a recent Christmas request. My son played with dolls and pink was his favorite color. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Hang in there, Maddykate :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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