Keeping lines of communication open with our adolescent children

[Doran]

All evidence points to the fact that adolescence comes part and parcel with keeping secrets from parents. As the parent of one teen and one emergent teen, I wish that wasn't the case. But having lived through the crisis of pubescence ;), I can say that wishing doesn't always get you very far. I'm sure my mother made a similar wish that wasn't granted.

 

I wasn't a horrible youth. And, I maintained a fairly steady, loving relationship with my mother (sorry, but my dad didn't even make the try outs, let alone the cut, for encouraging communication). Nevertheless, I definitely did things I would never have wanted my parents to know about.

 

I am working diligently right now to determine if and how I can help establish an openness between myself and my daughters that goes beyond what was able to occur between my mother and me. I'm seeing that presenting a level of acceptance is essential. Unconditional acceptance of who they are and what they need has to be wrapped up inside the package that protects them for a time. I am discovering that it will be a great challenge to foster openness from my children, and back again from myself, while keeping firm boundaries at the same time. I don't want to govern my children, I want to guide them. I want to help them see their way to making their own wise choices. And, I'd rather those choices not be based in fear. To do that, I've got to listen to them and allow them to feel that they've been heard. I have to make sure the parameters are clear. Then I have to let them walk all the way to the edges and hope they don't cross the line, but if they do, I have to accept them right where they are.

 

What are you discovering, or did you discover about keeping lines of communication open with your own (pre)teens? What kind of example did you have in your parents? Let's share our concerns and collective wisdom, shall we?

[Jen500]

Well, my oldest dc are only 8, but I work on letting them know NOW that we can sit down and talk about anything, w/o judgment from me or telling them they're wrong about how they feel, etc. I'm hoping they'll still feel comfortable talking to me as they get older. Because by the time I hit middle school, I had already 'learned' that I couldn't talk about problems with my parents. They'd either try to fix it, or tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, or minimize the issue.

I'd love to hear what others have to say on this topic.

[Mandy in TN]

I am working diligently right now to determine if and how I can help establish an openness between myself and my daughters that goes beyond what was able to occur between my mother and me. I'm seeing that presenting a level of acceptance is essential. Unconditional acceptance of who they are and what they need has to be wrapped up inside the package that protects them for a time. I am discovering that it will be a great challenge to foster openness from my children, and back again from myself, while keeping firm boundaries at the same time. I don't want to govern my children, I want to guide them. I want to help them see their way to making their own wise choices. And, I'd rather those choices not be based in fear. To do that, I've got to listen to them and allow them to feel that they've been heard. I have to make sure the parameters are clear. Then I have to let them walk all the way to the edges and hope they don't cross the line, but if they do, I have to accept them right where they are.

 

Sounds good to me.

 

What are you discovering, or did you discover about keeping lines of communication open with your own (pre)teens? What kind of example did you have in your parents? Let's share our concerns and collective wisdom, shall we?

 

I asked to my 17yo ds and 14yo ds.

 

14yo ds talked about boundaries and how many parents give the same discipline no matter what the offense. If no matter what a child does, you scream at them and ground them, then after a time they just tune you out. I try to put mistakes into perspective. Some things are simply more important than others. Hair cuts, clothing... not important. Attitude, school work... important.

 

17yo ds talked about how if you want your kids to talk to you then you have to want to talk to them. Sometimes parents say that want to be close to their kids but they don't want to listen to anything that their kids want to talk about.

 

For my part I try to be familiar with the music dc listen to, the games that they play, the friends that they chat with, etc. This means we listen to their music/ my music in the car. So, I know that oldest ds doesn't like Daugherty, Justin Timberlake, or any sort of rap or "boody" music. He also doesn't like Jane's Addiction or hate music although he does like alternative. If it is important to them, I try to be knowledgeable enough about the topic to discuss it.

 

It means that I have a character on Maple's Story and I give genuine comments regarding the painting of Warhammer characters. With 14yo ds I must be keeping pace really well, because we say the same thing at the same time way too often for it to be coincidence. It's verging on obnoxious.

 

It means that we have real conversations about relationships and what they want in a relationship with a future spouse. It means that we have discussed s*x and why a young lady would engage in s*xual behaviors prior to marriage. It means that we talk about what they see themselves doing as adults. It means that we talk about college credits and costs.

 

I also wake them up with hugs... and the occassional song

Woke up, got out of bed

Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup

 

Wake up Wake up

the sun is up

The dew is on

the buttercups

 

You are my sunshine

my only sunshine

 

And I leave them in their rooms at night with hugs. In this respect they are treated no different than the 5yo, because they will always be my babies.

 

I am sure that I could type all night, but man I need to do that thing I detest... cook.

 

HTH-

Mandy

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ds11 is still a tween and he's right at the age when I left my home to go to boarding school, so take my words with that in mind. I think what Mandy's son said about listening to kids (and having a history of listening to them) is right on. When my ds is having hormonal fits or having the same-old character issue pop up, I'm trying to resist flying off the handle. Instead, I'm sitting down with him as a sympathetic adult with really big ears :bigear: and big shoulders too. I remember those few adults who got me through my teen years in boarding school and that was what they were like - non-judgmental, thoughtful, with high standards and lots of grace to cover anything I might come up with. They never showed disdain for me, or shock or disgust. They listened, gave helpful suggestions if I asked for them and just loved me. I think I'm on the right track - Ds11 came to me just today and said, "I need a hug, Mom. These hormones are making me feel squiggly!" :D He got his hug.

 

Oh, and when I tutored teens, I found that having high standards and fair consequences was a good thing that gave even teens security and a sense of love.

[jeri]

It's Teenproofing (I think) by John Rosemond. Really like his principles but YMMV. Another good one is (I think) Hold on to Your Kids, about having relationships with them as peer pressure gets greater.

 

Jeri

[Remudamom]

I think it's vital for them to know that what they tell you in confidence will remain private. If they can confide in you their dreams and visions and know that you won't leak the info, you'll be privy to much more later on in life.

 

Embarrassing stories of things that happen before age five are all fair game though. 8)

[Cedarmom]

We laugh together. I try (and sadly it's not too hard) to understand and laugh at the same things my son laughs at. I listen to talk about video games, I play Wii, I listen to him discuss video game strategy. If I talk about the little things he is more likely to talk about the big things. I also try(not always successfully) since he's 17 to listen more rather than give advice. Lots of times he just needs to tell me his frustrations and worries without me giving advice or saying I told you so.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I don't try to keep up with teen stuff, or be my teenager's friend. Heck, I didn't make a convincing teenager when I was one. But I don't want be a hands off parent like my Dad, or a overly controlling one like my mom.

 

My natural tendency was to be more like my mom, but it definitely didn't work with my firstborn, and I knew it wasn't working. But I didn't know how else to be a parent. It took a lot of trial and error on my part to figure out that my very emotional motherly feelings that come out as anger or sharpness because of fear or worry needed to be replaced with words. Words that are prefaced with something like, "I love you so much, that I feel I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't bring up....."

 

My kids respond so much better to me when I explain the feelings that I'm having and the reasons for them, and I even admit that what I'm saying may sound irrational. I've been trying to talk calmly about the things I think are important, instead of expecting my kids to know what I'm thinking, and trying not to assume that they already know everything that I think they should know by now.

 

I just realized. It's that difference between being passive-aggressive and assertive! I think passive aggressive parenting really irritates kids. I think they appreciate straightforward parenting without a lot of emotional strings attached. Parental emotionalism is embarrassing, and to be avoided at all costs. I think that is why a lot of kids tune their parents out.

 

In the last few years, if I am not feeling rational about something, I either wait till I can talk calmly or ask dh to do the honors. It seems to be working ok so far.

[Doran]

We laugh together. I try (and sadly it's not too hard) to understand and laugh at the same things my son laughs at. I listen to talk about video games, I play Wii, I listen to him discuss video game strategy. If I talk about the little things he is more likely to talk about the big things. I also try(not always successfully) since he's 17 to listen more rather than give advice. Lots of times he just needs to tell me his frustrations and worries without me giving advice or saying I told you so.

 

What a great bit of wisdom that is! I have so often wanted this same treatment, generally when I'm venting to dh about something and just want his shoulder to lean on. Being a FIXER (like many men) he tells me what I should do about a problem even when I don't want advice. So, it's easy to know what unsolicited advice feels like. Thanks!

[Danestress]

At how much my oldest son would share with me. I tried to encourage it by being available, especially late at night, and by listening without prying or judging.

 

I was, according to my mother, a very secretive teen. I did not do a lot wrong. I wasn't experimenting with s@x or drugs, and I only drank a couple of times in high school. But I didn't share a lot with my Mom. I wouldn't tell her if someone hurt my feelings or if I had a crush on a boy, for example. I became a Christian in high school, but I didn't talk about it with her.

 

And the thing is, I'm pretty close to my mother. I still don't necessarily tell her *everything* but I would say we are good friends and that I love and trust her. I guess I am just telling you this so that if you do have a daughter who doesn't always want to share, you won't take it too personally. I almost think that, because we did have a good relationship with little conflict and I didn't rebel by being ugly or taking risks, I just had to establish some psychological space. And I did that by keeping some things to myself.

 

Then again, it's possible that it's just personality. I think I am less inclined than some women to establish "closeness" by revealing personal details, though I do some of that. It's just not a way of measuring how good the relationship is, if that makes sense.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

It makes sense to me. :-) Revealing every single thing I did or thought to my mother would have made me feel sort of..naked. Most adults don't go around baring their souls to their parents, why should we expect our kids to do it to us. I don't know if I would even call what teens hold back "secrets," unless there is clear wrong doing or intent to decieve.

[Jenny in Atl]

I think the fact that we are together pretty much 24/7 keeps things real. Dd12 is old for her age (like I was). She is interested in things many 12 year-olds are not. She tends to like older kids, so I'm more watchful that I would like, but still try to give her space. We share a lot in common both in our interests and personality (this can be good and bad).

 

 

I'm aware she needs to experience failure, joy, and even pain w/o me in some form (hopefully safe). So I have been letting her venture out in the world little by little with others I trust. I had a good relationship with my mom, and because I was raised with a lot of trust, I've tried to do the same with Mac. If she goes outside the home for high school, I know the dynamics will change for sure. But for now we are doing good, talking a lot, debating, and exploring what possibilities may lie ahead, and the pitfalls we hope to avoid.

[Nicole M]

I have a friend who once said that when kids enter their teen years you gotta just grab them by the ankle and hang on come hell or high water.

What I see among many parents is a kind of hopelessness - well, they're teens, what can I do? They, the parents, act as if teens live in this bubble that is sacrosanct and impenetrable. There was a big stink here at a local school where some totally inappropriate s*xual behavior happened at a dance, and at a meeting one of the moms said, "I feel as if my relationship with my daughter is so fragile that if I try to talk to her about this, it will irreparably damage what little we have left." How pathetic. So, yeah, I try to keep it real and remember that young man with the deep voice is still my boy. That's my way of grabbing his ankle and holding on.

 

Another thing I've learned is that my teen is tickled to death when I come to him for help (like with my new cell phone that I'm too lazy to figure out) or when I ask him for his assessment or opinion about things. And then I actually do listen.

 

Laughter. Someone mentioned that. The other night my son got ahold of the voters pamphlet, which, btw, I had no idea was so stinkin' hysterical. You gotta love the part of democracy that allows any fruitcake off the street to run for office. Anyway, my son was reading some of the biographies aloud to me and I was in tears. We will both remember that for a long time.

 

You know what I wonder about, though? Yes, adolescence does have very real challenges. But haven't we invented it, adolescence, to some degree? There really was no such thing a hundred years ago. Sure, my grandmother was probably a stinker teen, based on the stories I've heard, but trauma and heartache were not expected during teen years. I guess I'm saying that I wonder if a big part of the hurdle is expecting success, expecting that all will be well with our relationships with our teens.

 

Oh. One last thought. Doran, we are so much cooler than our mothers were, I think that helps, don't you?!:D

[Doran]

I'm appreciating what you wise women have to share on this matter. Being available. Straighforward parenting. Laughter. Check, check, check. And, alongside the other helpful thoughts, Nicole, I'm thinking of having this tattooed on my person somewhere! :lol:

 

 

Oh. One last thought. Doran, we are so much cooler than our mothers were, I think that helps, don't you?!:D

[Amy in Orlando]

I'm armpit deep in teens right now (one about to turn 16 and two about to turn 15). I don't have much to add to the great responses you've already received here. So far, so good with us.

 

What I think is working so far is that I am available to listen (and listening and keeping my mouth shut is really hard); I DO ask them for help quite often. They're taller and stronger than me now and they can see how much time and effort they save me and they like that (the guy fix-it thing); I'm very upfront when I'm uncomfortable with something and WHY - sometimes they can change my mind, sometimes they can't, but I'm open to discussion.

 

I'm trying very hard to give them space when they need it and to close in on that space when they're really needy. I "think" it's working out, but I guess I'll have to wait another 10 years or so to see if it really is working.

 

I do make a point of getting to know their friends parents - sometimes to the boys' horror. That makes a huge difference at this age, imo.

 

And, slowly, I'm trying to let go. With each year, I leave more of the decisions up to them - what subjects to study, what they can/cannot read or watch, etc. I'm a bit of a control freak so this is hard, but I think it is essential so I'm sucking it up as best I can.

 

I have to say that, for the most part, I'm enjoying my boys as teenagers. They're fun. They're funny. They're also snarky sometimes and they make me angry and frustrated and sometimes they hurt my feelings without knowing it. But, we're all getting through it pretty well. I think.

 

Thanks for this thread, Doran.

[KatieJ]

I onlly have one teen left and since he is starting college soon, I guess I am qualified to answer this one. Altho, even after parenting 3 kids to adulthood, I don't feel qualified for much. I always see my failures rather than my successes.

 

One piece of advice I gave a firend a long time ago and she always quotes back to me is, Be available to talk when they are ready to talk. If that means midnight, then you stay up and talk.

Some of the most productive times of growth and airing grievences was at 2am! My 6'5' tall son sat in my lap many times in the middle of the night and cried. Don't tell him I shared that with you all.

[Amy in Orlando]

I onlly have one teen left and since he is starting college soon, I guess I am qualified to answer this one. Altho, even after parenting 3 kids to adulthood, I don't feel qualified for much. I always see my failures rather than my successes.

 

One piece of advice I gave a firend a long time ago and she always quotes back to me is, Be available to talk when they are ready to talk. If that means midnight, then you stay up and talk.

Some of the most productive times of growth and airing grievences was at 2am! My 6'5' tall son sat in my lap many times in the middle of the night and cried. Don't tell him I shared that with you all.

 

Oh that makes me weepy. Thanks, Katie.

[8filltheheart]

One thing that I think is totally and completely foreign if I compare my relationship with my parents vs my relations with our children is simply how well we know eachother b/c of the enormous amounts of time we have spent togehter. This really is huge. There are a lot of times that I know way more than a mouth will ever share simply by tiny mannerisms or behaviors b/c I have seen them repeatedly since babyhood. There are times when I can put all the puzzle pieces of their lives together in my mind better than they can themselves. It is so incredibly different than when I was a teenager and my parents were clueless as to who my friends were, what classes I was taking, what my stress level was, what the stressors even were.

 

My oldest ds, who is an adult, is not emotionally verbal. He never has been. He internalizes a lot. With him, a hug shares more than our words ever would. There are times when I want to know more than he wants to share, but I don't press. I would far rather have him know we are there to support him than to drive him away by constant questioning.

 

Overall, we play games and talk and simply try to act like a family. ;) I don't want to be my children's friend or make them feel like they need to share everything with me. I love when they share with us but I want it to come from them and not in an obligatory way. I absolutely want them to know that our love is unconditional and that we are there for them. I'm not sure how much more than that we can do.

[readwithem]

I think having "history" together helps. We have travelled extensively and everybody loves to retell the stories - it sounds corny but it's part of having a relationship.

 

Also we play games together. A lot. We laugh. A lot. We watch movies together, not a lot but again we all enjoy each other's company.

 

And I totally agree about being there when *they* want to talk. You can't put your kids into your daytimer, because it's going to happen on their timetable. And there's something about a dark room, late at night, that encourages them to want to talk.

 

Knowing you *can* trust your teens makes you willing to *not* know every little secret. ;)

[Laura Corin]

Another good one is (I think) Hold on to Your Kids, about having relationships with them as peer pressure gets greater.

 

Jeri

 

Laura

[Colleen]

Great replies here thus far, but Nicole's in particular resonated with me.

 

What I see among many parents is a kind of hopelessness - well, they're teens, what can I do?

 

Exactly ~ and I can not abide this attitude that's permeated our culture. This assumption that teenagers will be difficult. The word "teenager" sends a shiver down some people's backs, although the term itself didn't even exist until very recently.

 

Another thing I've learned is that my teen is tickled to death when I come to him for help (like with my new cell phone that I'm too lazy to figure out) or when I ask him for his assessment or opinion about things. And then I actually do listen.

 

Too true! That's definitely the case here, too. And laughter, yes, as you mentioned.

 

You know what I wonder about, though? Yes, adolescence does have very real challenges. But haven't we invented it, adolescence, to some degree?

 

Yes, I think so. And this goes back to the point you made earlier about the hopeless attitude with which adults regard the teen years. We've set ourselves up to expect the worst and to a degree, I think it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think my fear, Doran, is that some parents are trying to take this to an extreme. I like my kids. I talk to them ALL the time. We have an open relationship. But there are some things that I don't care to know (we each have our own interests for example) and if they just handle them, no reason for me to know. And I think that getting to that point in their lives is important also.

 

So I don't know everything or care about everything (and they know that!). And I think that that is more than okay, it's RIGHT.

 

The lines of communication here are open and anyone can see it obviously, but we aren't focused on it. I think some people accidentally get to being too buddy-buddy or micromanaging their teens. I think that causes MORE issue than a kid having a few secrets from mom and dad.

 

We already gave our kids the skills and tools of life. We already taught and guided them. We already developed a relationship with them. We've already proven ourselves trustworthy, helpful, wise, etc. By trying to do extra now, I think we HINDER them, not help them. And I think they can "feel" where we are in processing who we are as their parents and they are as maturing young people. Don't we want that "feeling" to be that the relationship is as open as they want/need it, that we trust them, that we believe they are capable? I think I've done my job and now is a time of maintaining the relationship, not building. Now is the time for them to soar (and trip) a little on their own, while we're here with a safety net, some antibiotic ointment, and a hug if needed.

 

I feel as if I'm not explaining myself very well. I guess I just think that some great parents may be overthinking the "open lines of communication" thing and actually holding their kids back, overprotecting, micromanaging rather than giving them the messages that could be more helpful.

[Pamela H in Texas]

well, what I didn't say well was touched upon in some other posts so hopefully it makes some sense in the context of the thread.

[Nicole M]

The lines of communication here are open and anyone can see it obviously, but we aren't focused on it. I think some people accidentally get to being too buddy-buddy or micromanaging their teens. I think that causes MORE issue than a kid having a few secrets from mom and dad.

 

We already gave our kids the skills and tools of life. We already taught and guided them. We already developed a relationship with them. We've already proven ourselves trustworthy, helpful, wise, etc. By trying to do extra now, I think we HINDER them, not help them.

 

I totally get what you're saying. I think this is about respecting our teens and trusting them, right? Absolutely critical. I think this is what I was trying to say, that even though adolescence comes with issues, there isn't a magic day when, poof! We suddenly have to work at communicating because teens have turned into something awful.

[Nicole M]

A few other thoughts, since I've been a-thinkin' on this all morning, out in the garden, watering....

 

I want to be very clear about that this business of inventing adolescence and expecting success. I did not mean to say that this is not a good question, that we should not be consciencious about maintaining open lines of communication, we absolutely should. But I was glad, Doran, when you said, check, check, check, because it struck me that you, for crying out loud, are the most incredible, marvelous parent, and are not really the person who needs to be asking, kwim? The parents who probably need to "work" on maintaining open lines of communication may not even think to ask the question. Does that make sense?

 

I also know that many parents here on this board have been outstanding, loving parents and have heartbreaking situations brewing with their teens and I do not in any way mean to imply that they "invented" those problems or that they are the result of self-fullfilling prophesy. It occurred to me that a person might interpret my words that way, and I would never, ever want anyone to feel hurt by my take, which is based soley on what I've observed IRL and in my own small circle.

 

Also, I wonder if it's different with boys and with girls? I have only sons, and while they don't talk much, they're pretty doggone clear. No emotional undercurrent, no hidden agenda. I'm thinking of myself as a teen, and I was much more... complicated, you know? I don't mean to stereotype, but I do wonder about that.

 

This is what happens when I spend time puttering in the garden at 5am. The wheels just start going....

[Mekanamom]

What are you discovering, or did you discover about keeping lines of communication open with your own (pre)teens? What kind of example did you have in your parents? Let's share our concerns and collective wisdom, shall we?

 

Oh my gosh, I don't have much personal experience... my 11yo (12yo in 3 months) is fairly quiet and private, which I respect. I don't push her, but I'm always there to listen if she wants to talk. And of course I bring up important things with her even if she doesn't seem to want to talk about them... some things are too important to not talk about.

 

But, I have to say that the best, most open parent/teen relationship I have ever seen is between my step-dd and her mom. (Step-dd lives with her mom; she visits here a couple times a year.) Those two nearly always manage to surprise me with the level of their communication. I don't know exactly how they did it (do it). It just seems so natural to them- their conversations are like flowing water- maybe a couple bumps here and there in the stream, but for the most part flowing without interruption. It's inspiring.

 

Part of it may be that no topic is taboo for either of them. They talk about everything under the sun with huge amounts of respect for each other. I mean, they have different opinions, and sometimes they tease or argue, or get frustrated with each other, but they somehow validate each other too.

 

I'd love to know the secret to that kind of communication!

[Mandy in TN]

Also, I wonder if it's different with boys and with girls? I have only sons, and while they don't talk much, they're pretty doggone clear. No emotional undercurrent, no hidden agenda. I'm thinking of myself as a teen, and I was much more... complicated, you know? I don't mean to stereotype, but I do wonder about that.

 

I think that you may be onto something here. I also have all boys and they are different than I remember myself or my friends.

 

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

I am divorced from the father of my 2 older boys. They completely understand that I am the parent. They understand when I have to pull rank and fulfill my role as parent- whether that means discussing the facts of life, helping them find a college, or teaching them to do laundry. However, parenting a teen is not incompatible with friendship.

 

My mom is my best friend. I do want to be my children’s friend and I want them to be mine. I can't think of anyone or anything that I would put in front of my friendships with my family.

 

While I do feel that I am here to assist my children on the journey to independence, that trip is a short one, in fact it is almost over for my oldest, and I would like for us to be friends for life.

 

Mandy

[Doran]

However, parenting a teen is not incompatible with friendship.

 

 

I have a similar feeling, and I appreciate that you've brought it up. I think what most people mean when they say they are not their child(ren)'s friend is that they don't blur the boundary between being chummy and being in charge. "Friend Parents" are afraid to come down hard on their kids because they're afraid the child will be angry or withdraw. Or they're more interested in being similar, understanding, or cool than they are in being the disciplinarian when that's what is wanted/needed. But, like you, I hope that I can be a "Parent Friend" in order to help my kids understand that I am on their side, that I respect them and enjoy their company, and that I'm an okay person to turn to when they're looking for advice.