Foster parents---how do you make things "fair" or do you?

[Ottakee]

Right now we have an 11 year old foster boy. He is doing very well and my kids really enjoy him.

 

Issues though are coming up as my kids (all adopted through foster care but all have been here for over 16 years) have more "things" than he does.

 

Right now we are looking to buy 17dd another horse as hers had to be put down. He wants to ride too but is very overweight (over 200 pounds at 4'10" and doesn't have the riding skills needed to ride on his own. That limits him to being lead around on my horse who is stocky enough to hold him but isn't beginner safe for him to ride alone on.

 

Then 25ds has a quad/4wheeler. Foster boy had one years ago with his birth family but it was sold. I understand him wanting to drive my son's but reality is the quad is $$$$ (it is a 4 wheel drive farm model that has a plow) and ds paid for it himself.

 

How do you handle things like this? We do try to treat him as much like one of our own kids as possible but reality is that he came with almost no clothing but did have a flat screen TV (my girls don't have this) and a dvd player and a Nook and about 50 DVDs.

 

He is also 5 years younger than our youngest so some things just won't be fair due to age differences.

 

I hope to see about horseback riding lessons for him through a therapeutic place that can do counseling, etc. as well.

 

How do you handle this? Before when we had our other 100+ foster kids they were either babies or toddlers or our own kids were much younger and didn't have these things.

[NotSoObvious]

Well, we didn't have other kids when we fostered, but now that our girls are adopted, I can only answer from what we would do if we fostered again, now.

 

I think part of being treated as one of the family means that things won't always be fair and equal. That's ok. Just focus on his needs and desires and try not to compare too much. There would still be unfair things even if he had always been with you because of age.

 

The therapeutic riding sounds great and can be "his" thing. I think as long as he has something to find identity within, it doesn't have to be exactly the same as your other kids. I also think 11 is old enough to talk with him about his feelings and help him understand and deal with it all. I would also mention it to his therapist (hopefully he has one) and he/she might ave some good ideas.

[Starr]

It's really kind of you to sort this out. I can't imagine having an 11 year old riding the quad or needing to buy him a horse. If he's with you for some time the riding will sort its self out. I can see an 11 year old thinking that the quad is cool though. :D

[Greenmama2]

Not a foster parent but how would I deal with it? I would get him riding lessons ASAP and talk with him about his feelings (then talk some more). The quad bike would be completely off the table despite his previous experience simply because your DS paid for it himself. It's not a "family" item IMO.

[bettyandbob]

I'm not a foster parent, but fair does not mean same.

 

Your ds is much older than your dfs. Maybe dfs road a 4 wheeler before, but you ds's 4 wheeler was purchased by your ds, an adult who saved his own money for it. It is not free for anyone in the family to use. Perhaps it is used by others for chores, but it's probably not a general recreational toy for anyone in the family to grab since your ds is the one who saved for and purchased it.

 

With regard to horseback riding, I'd keep leading him on the horse you have and get lessons at an appropriate stable. If the lessons cannot be scheduled frequently I would look for a recreational activity he enjoys that you can do frequently that can be "his" thing.

[Ravin]

I'm going to agree with the "fair is not the same" camp. He's 11yo. When your DS24 was 11, did he have a quad? Was he allowed to ride one? I would think it would be reasonable to tell your foster son that if he was older and had brought one with him that he owned, you'd let him ride it. Also that the quad your son has is not only his own personal property (therefore as long as you're satisfied with the safety it should be up to him if he wants to let foster bro ride it), and also that it's an expensive farm tool, not just a recreational "for fun" vehicle.

 

Does he have SOMETHING to ride around on? How about a bicycle? If he doesn't have one, that would perhaps be a reasonable acquisition for him. Riding lessons also sound like a very good idea, and start him learning how to take proper care of the horses if he's interested in them.

 

I grew up with foster siblings. I drove the same used "sooner or later a teen will total it" car 2 older foster sisters did before me. Fair. Foster sibs who were interested were usually gotten bicycles if they didn't bring one with (I can only think of one who did), with the exception of my sister J who didn't know how to ride and didn't care to make learning a priority (she was 13 when she moved in with us). That didn't mean they were allowed to use our bikes, though.

 

It can be hard being the youngest kid around, too. Acknowledging that might help.

[Anne]

Another thought ~ if he is probably going to be moved in the not-too-distant future, maybe helping him develop an interest that was more widely/easily accessible would be useful?

 

Blessings to you & your family as you bless this young man!!

 

Anne

[gardenmom5]

fair =/= equal. fair is he get's what he needs to develop appropriately.

 

he has a flat screen tv, and paraphenalia. those are all indoor things. if he wants to get a job and earn the money - he can buy a four wheeler as your son did. perhaps riding lessons so he can develop riding skills - and then as he develops those skills (and loses weight?) he can have more horseback riding options. if you're able to find an appropriate horse you can afford, it could be good for him (and would get him outside and some exercise - good for core). but I'm sure you know horses are expensive. (they are here- between land and feed and . . . . )

 

or maybe coming up with something else appropriate for him. (and if it gets him outside, so much the better.)

[LMV]

In general we focus on meeting the needs of all of our children. We also try to accommodate their reasonable wants but in the context of looking at the big picture (safety, age appropriateness, other wants/activities) and what is feasible in the context of the family. We don't try to give them all the same thing because that would be silly.

 

Our thirteen year old (who happens to be a L10 gymnast) would be very unimpressed with an expensive horse but our now seventeen year old got one the Christmas she was fourteen. She had been riding for almost twelve years (she started young because we have horses and DH, big brother, and I all ride) at that time and was competing in equestrian eventing. She was ready to have a horse that could help her go to the next level. She continues to enjoy and appreciate that gift. She also makes it a point to attend her sister's gymnastics meets whenever possible. Her sister has little interest in horses but has sat through quite a few soccer tournaments and made a huge banner when her sister achieved her national qualifying score and had it out on the front lawn when we came home. I love that the girls have individual interests but support each other.

 

Our eight year old just started formal riding lessons (our oldest taught her a lot last summer and fall and she definitely has the love horses bug) we'll support her wherever this goes. Our three year old has dabbled a little in both soccer and gymnastics (as much as a three year old can dabble) following her big sisters' lead but I'm beginning to wonder if swimming is going to be her real passion. She loves the water and has several very proficient strokes already. She may throw in the towel tomorrow or there may be years of Chlorine ahead of us. We'll follow her lead on that.

 

I will admit that our four year has been so miserable that I would probably gladly sign her up for the first safe and age appropriate activity she asked for. She probably also has more than her weight in stuffed animals because all that she seems to want to do is curl up somewhere and sleep. We probably do indulge her a little more than some of her siblings but her situation is different right now and we're just trying to do what she needs.

[Pamela H in Texas]

There just are differences in situations/people/etc in life. That is the fact regardless. For foster kids, unfortunately, it is a LOT more obvious sometimes. But in this situation? Not really. He has different things because he is a different person, younger, not buying his own "toys," etc.

 

I think that hippo-therapy could be a great thing. I also think that it may be wise to consider activities he can continue should he leave if that is a real possibility. I wouldn't skip the hippo-therapy though. It is one connection to your family, known to be of help, and may be of help long term. Also, it is perfectly okay to have an experience for a time even if you cannot continue it later. I'm sure most people can think of something like that in their childhoods.

[Ottakee]

I do plan on calling the therapeutic riding place tomorrow and seeing about starting lessons ASAP.

 

He did mention to my friend that watched him last night that he knew he couldnt' drive our quad as it says on it "no one under 16" on the stickers........so that will help. 25ds though does not seem 25 as he has fetal alcohol and is more like a 13 year old (so much more similar in ages developmentally)..........and yes, at 11, ds was racing motorcross and had his own dirt bike, etc.

 

This boy is very good, despite his very large size, at basketball and baseball. I hope to get him involved in those things if he is here longer. It is too late to sign up for baseball for this summer and honestly, we had court last Friday and it was 50/50 whether or not he would still be with us at the end of the day. We have court again in 6 weeks and then there is about a 75% chance he will move to a relative.

 

I would like to see about signing him up for a YMCA day camp for sports if he will be here when they are open. Church camp would be nice as well but all these things are $$$ and we dont' know how long he will be here. I will call and ask though about refunds if he is moved before those dates as he would be moving 4 hours away.

 

He is doing a lot of asking about doing x or having y but not really complaining. He did want a cell phone as he heard my girls only pay $10/month for theirs...........until I asked if he also heard that they had to be 16 to get a cell phone. Then he was OK with it.

[NoseInABook]

I agree, I would get him into therapeutic riding and see if he wants to continue the horseback riding lessons after he tries it. Get him into sports if you can. Do you have local leagues or sports centers?

[Ottakee]

The problem with local sports is that the seasons have all started already. I did find 1-2 YMCA summer sports camps that he might like. They are pricey but he might qualify for a discount which would help as the camps cost more per day for 2 1/2 hours than his foster care rate pays plus we would have to bring him and pick him up and we are 15 miles away each way.

 

Once we know the long term plan we can figure out more. I think he could do some community rec or school club stuff in the fall again.