How do you manage with special needs children?

[happyWImom]

I know that there are so many moms on here that have kids with special needs, and that their issues are lots worse than mine, and I really commend you all for being able to homeschool multiple kids, and handle school & life.

 

My dd has had OCD and anxiety issues for years. She is getting therapy and is on a low dose anxiety med. She has made a lot of progress-a lot. But, it is so draining, emotionally. I feel like I try & try and try, and it doesn't seem good enough. I want to be patient and kind, I want to teach them in a way that makes them want to learn (and they do love to learn) but I feel that it's such a struggle. My poor ds is always bearing the brunt of things, and he just goes along. School is such a hard thing, though. We go through periods where it is fine, and then it seems like we go for stretches where I feel almost nothing is getting done. Attitude & control are big problems with my dd. Because of this, I am constantly changing curriculums, looking for the "perfect" thing. The thing that will make her happy, that won't have her battling me every step of the way.

 

My question for all of you is, how are you able to manage & actually get school done?

 

I know I am whining and complaining, here and my stuff is nothing compared to so many of yours. I just need some advice.

 

Thanks.

[Hunter]

My question for all of you is, how are you able to manage & actually get school done?

 

I know I am whining and complaining, here and my stuff is nothing compared to so many of yours. I just need some advice.

 

Thanks.

 

 

You are NOT whining and complaining! :grouphug:

 

Over the decades, I have come to believe that the best thing we can offer a high maintenance family member is NOT to allow them to become the center of the family schedule, or to gobble up too much time, money and other resources.

 

This often means dropping expectations for them, and that feels so scary and negligent.

 

I'm finding the same techniques work the same when I was raising children, and when I live within a group of single adults. The rhythm needs to be a good one. Efforts need to be made to bring everyone into the rhythm, and sometimes, the needy persons needs go unmet. They just do. But at least they are not so resented they are pushed out of the group, and at least they don't tear apart the group, that they so desperately need. The group comes first.

 

First off, meal on time, proper sleep schedules, holiday/nature rhythms, clutter control and all that.

 

Needy people especially need to focus on the body and soul as well as the mind. Time for self-soothing as a priority; even before academics. Time for exercise as a priority; even before academics. Spirituality as a priority; even before academics.

[sbgrace]

Many hugs. My son has a lot of special needs (autism, ADHD, a metabolic condition that affects energy among other things). But when he developed severe OCD this past year we really couldn't school. He was so focused on the OCD that it was real trial to focus on other things--different than the ADHD focus issues. Beyond that the OCD itself was just so stressful for all of us that I felt we were in survival mode. I'm imagining she's doing better at this point than we were back then. But if OCD is still poorly controlled I could see how schooling would be drastically affected.

 

This may not help at all in your situation. I would, I think, focus on the basic subjects with her first thing in the morning after things like breakfast. I have found that OCD tends to worsen in many as the day goes on and you might be less frazzled then too. Beyond that, getting into a clear routine (maybe even have her mark off each subject each day) might help. I'd keep the less vital subjects for their ages fun and easy--Magic School Bus or Bill Nye videos, documentaries, library books, an experiment book--that sort of thing. This until things get under control in the other areas--OCD and the academic topics.

[freeindeed]

((hugs))

My dd5 has significant special needs. Right now I am using a mix of Oak Meadow Preschool, Wynstone's Kindergarten Series, and A Child's Seasonal Treasury with her: circle time, lots of singing, movement verses, some arts and crafts-lots of fun stuff. I will do these things with her for at least two more years before moving to Oak Meadow Kindergarten. Right now pushing academics with her would be a disaster. Also, we have a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly rhythm that we try to follow. That way dd5 knows when I'll be working with her and when I'll be working with her older siblings. She also knows when I'll be cooking, or doing laundry, or cleaning, etc. and when I'll be taking her outside, to the store, or park and what day we'll have co-op. We try to eat meals and snacks around the same time each day and *try* to stick to a bedtime routine. I say *try* with bedtime b/c my dd5 has sleep issues. Sometimes just knowing what to expect can help our special needs children so much- actually all of our children and ourselves. :)

Find some fun learning activities that both children can do. Cuddle on the couch and read great books together. Get outside and play and take nature walks. Just relax and enjoy each other's company.

And please don't feel that you are whining or complaining. You are looking for help and support, which we all need sometimes.

[Hunter]

Sometimes just knowing what to expect can help our special needs children so much- actually all of our children and ourselves. :)

 

 

:iagree:

[Rosie_0801]

My kids' special needs are small in the general scheme of things, but I manage by doing what we can do. It is important to remember that we do what we do because hypothetical ideal people don't live here. When you have a choice between what works a bit and what doesn't work at all, what works a bit is the good choice. I'm sure I'm going to find it harder to maintain this attitude as they get older though. They all say ds will toilet train before college...

[PeterPan]

Just as an observation, you have a ton of stuff in your sig. Maybe you're trying to do too much? Maybe if you only actively schedule or lead 3 or 4 things a day and have everything else as something she decides to do or can chose not to do?

 

On a personal level, recharging yourself is essential (time apart, conventions, whatever).

 

As far as how we work together, what got us peace was finally pinning everything down really concretely so expectations were very structured and clear and doable. With that big a list, you might be a bit exuberant. Even if you're not, it doesn't create this consistency of routine that builds confidence, if that makes sense. Think structure, consistent routine, doable. Less things but actually done. 1 science during the summer, 1 history during the school year. If you want to study native americans, you drop the history AND the science and do only the native americans. No overlap, no redundancy. All of it goes on a list that is very concrete. See what that can do for you.

 

PS. People on the SN board don't bite. Come visit us. :)

[Arcadia]

My dd has had OCD and anxiety issues for years. ......Because of this, I am constantly changing curriculums, looking for the "perfect" thing.

 

Changing curriculums frequently might cause more stress and OCD issues. Structure and consistency would help more. Anxiety and OCD feeds onto each other in a way. So the more anxious your child is, the more OCD she might behave.

[Mom-ninja.]

I come here for support when I'm having a really tough time.

 

I try to focus and remind myself what it must be like to be in my child's shoes.

 

Sometimes I have to put myself in time out in my bedroom and take deep breaths, scream into a pillow, or scarf my chocolate stash.

 

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. For kids and myself. I have to exercise. It is incredible how much better I feel. Same for the kids. Fresh air and movement are wonderful.

 

Vent to dh

 

Read a good book at bedtime.

 

Realize that a bad day passes and start fresh the next day.

 

Forgive myself for mistakes.

[sewingmama]

I agree with Rosie...sometimes you just have to lower your expectations and do whatever works even if it only works a little bit.

 

My oldest has special needs. I've found that for her academics need to come second and security and character development need to come first. She is smart enough that whatever academics we miss in childhood she will be able to make up in adulthood if she really needs them. However her character and behaviour issues are what will really hold her back in having a successful life if bad habits become ingrained.

 

I've finally found a math she likes. I don't know if it will produce the highest academic standards in her but its better then the screaming and math refusal of before. The curriculum that gets done is always the best one to use.

 

My 3yo is starting to show signs of anxiety and OCD. He WAS perfectly potty trained for a year ....sigh. I'm so grateful for my middle child....the calm within the storm LOL

 

I forgot to add...I try not to let my DD affect every one else's schooling. If she is having a moment she gets sent to her room and I continue to school the others. She gets to make up her school work later on. If she is in total school refusal mode I let her go about doing her thing.. Until the others are completely done their lessons. Then when they go off to play I begin the battle with her. I try not to engage her in battle when it will disrupt the other kids. The ones who want to work get my full attention and the one who doesn't gets ignored. I'm not going to let my compliant kids pay with sketchy education by wasting time battling with a sibling. I teach the ones who want to learn first and then turn my attention to the problem child.

[GoVanGogh]

I have a newly diagnosed 2e child - gifted and wildly excited about learning, but with neurological issues, learning differences and a physical condition that makes certain skills pure torture. It is terribly exhausting. For me, getting the diagnosis and knowing what I was dealing with was a struggle and hard to process, but it has also been good. Now that we know what we are dealing with, we can actually deal with it. Or so I tell myself.

The hardest thing for me was lowering my expectations. A dear homeschool friend told me that we are now in the slow lane and that is okay. I was really upset at the time, but am finally starting to adjust to the slow lane. My child hasn't, though, and that has been a struggle in and of itself. Therapy has been awful - we are seeing gains so that is great - but the actual therapy is painful and exhausting. Therapy has to be the focus of our days right now, no matter how much we don't like it. I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

((hugs))

Find some fun learning activities that both children can do. Cuddle on the couch and read great books together. Get outside and play and take nature walks. Just relax and enjoy each other's company.

And please don't feel that you are whining or complaining. You are looking for help and support, which we all need sometimes.

 

I have been trying make our school time more relaxing right now - videos from The Great Courses, nature walks, lots of fresh air, cuddling on the couch to read. That time has been good/relaxing for both of us.

One thing that we have dropped, which I regret, is field trips. We used go on so many, but we don't have the time or energy right now. I am hopeful to pick them up again soon.

 

PS. People on the SN board don't bite. Come visit us. :)

 

Love the SN boards!

 

I come here for support when I'm having a really tough time.

 

I try to focus and remind myself what it must be like to be in my child's shoes.

 

Sometimes I have to put myself in time out in my bedroom and take deep breaths, scream into a pillow, or scarf my chocolate stash.

 

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. For kids and myself. I have to exercise. It is incredible how much better I feel. Same for the kids. Fresh air and movement are wonderful.

 

Vent to dh

 

Read a good book at bedtime.

 

Realize that a bad day passes and start fresh the next day.

 

Forgive myself for mistakes.

 

Thank you for this post. Important words to rememeber, especially the bolded parts.

 

 

OP, :grouphug:

I understand totally about looking for the perfect curriculum. (I recently bought my 12th writing program becauase I know there has to be a writing program out there that will magically make my child a writer.) But I am also just now realizing that it stresses us both out. I spend money I probably shouldn't. I have too much curriculum and get overwhelmed - visually looking at them all lined up on the shelves, thinking about how to incorporate them all. My child needs structure and consistency, not me changing curriculum.

A friend with a SN child reminded me a while back that vendors prey on us because they know we are weak and looking for that magic product that will take away all of our child's problems. "It isn't out there. Quit searching," she wisely told me.

[Koerarmoca]

My 7 year old nephew (who lives with us) is bi polar, ADHD and has SPD. He goes to PS and is in SN classes and takes meds to "manage" his mental health. He has an extremely hard time in school and after schooling is very much needed. He has rage episodes where if something is "to hard" he has a total meltdown. It is to the point where I have to make copies of his homework because he almost always rips it up and throws it everywhere. It is extremely difficult but we have been advised NOT to pull him from school because he has always been in daycare/preschool/school and change is VERY hard for him. I often have finished the school day before he gets home so that is a bonus. This will be our first summer with him and we school year round so I'm very worried how it will all play out. He is very behind grade level in all areas and I have the hardest time getting him to do anything at home. It's totally overwhelming at times.

 

I have no good advice for you. I wish I did. All I can say is if you can get help through the local schools it might be worth it to check out any special services they have. There is a little girl in his class who goes to school 2 days a week and HS 3 days a week her mother told me it was the best thing she could do for her and her other kids. This is her 2nd year doing it and it gives her SN dd more structure and allows her more time to focus on her full time HS kids.

[PeterPan]

A friend with a SN child reminded me a while back that vendors prey on us because they know we are weak and looking for that magic product that will take away all of our child's problems. "It isn't out there. Quit searching," she wisely told me.

 

This is SO true.

[happyWImom]

Just as an observation, you have a ton of stuff in your sig. Maybe you're trying to do too much? Maybe if you only actively schedule or lead 3 or 4 things a day and have everything else as something she decides to do or can chose not to do?

 

On a personal level, recharging yourself is essential (time apart, conventions, whatever).

 

As far as how we work together, what got us peace was finally pinning everything down really concretely so expectations were very structured and clear and doable. With that big a list, you might be a bit exuberant. Even if you're not, it doesn't create this consistency of routine that builds confidence, if that makes sense. Think structure, consistent routine, doable. Less things but actually done. 1 science during the summer, 1 history during the school year. If you want to study native americans, you drop the history AND the science and do only the native americans. No overlap, no redundancy. All of it goes on a list that is very concrete. See what that can do for you.

 

PS. People on the SN board don't bite. Come visit us. :)

 

 

I can't believe I've been on here for all of these years & not known about the SN board!! I will check it out.

 

Also, Thank you for pointing out my siggy. You're right, I am trying to do too much. I have soooo much stuff here, I should open a store. I know simple is better, but I think all of this curriculum has something to do with my issues. :001_smile: I need to do something about it.

[happyWImom]

I have a newly diagnosed 2e child - gifted and wildly excited about learning, but with neurological issues, learning differences and a physical condition that makes certain skills pure torture. It is terribly exhausting. For me, getting the diagnosis and knowing what I was dealing with was a struggle and hard to process, but it has also been good. Now that we know what we are dealing with, we can actually deal with it. Or so I tell myself.

The hardest thing for me was lowering my expectations. A dear homeschool friend told me that we are now in the slow lane and that is okay. I was really upset at the time, but am finally starting to adjust to the slow lane. My child hasn't, though, and that has been a struggle in and of itself. Therapy has been awful - we are seeing gains so that is great - but the actual therapy is painful and exhausting. Therapy has to be the focus of our days right now, no matter how much we don't like it. I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

 

I have been trying make our school time more relaxing right now - videos from The Great Courses, nature walks, lots of fresh air, cuddling on the couch to read. That time has been good/relaxing for both of us.

One thing that we have dropped, which I regret, is field trips. We used go on so many, but we don't have the time or energy right now. I am hopeful to pick them up again soon.

 

 

Love the SN boards!

 

 

Thank you for this post. Important words to rememeber, especially the bolded parts.

 

 

OP, :grouphug:

I understand totally about looking for the perfect curriculum. (I recently bought my 12th writing program becauase I know there has to be a writing program out there that will magically make my child a writer.) But I am also just now realizing that it stresses us both out. I spend money I probably shouldn't. I have too much curriculum and get overwhelmed - visually looking at them all lined up on the shelves, thinking about how to incorporate them all. My child needs structure and consistency, not me changing curriculum.

A friend with a SN child reminded me a while back that vendors prey on us because they know we are weak and looking for that magic product that will take away all of our child's problems. "It isn't out there. Quit searching," she wisely told me.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Yes, I am overwhelmed with it-but I'm afraid to get rid of it! I'm also afraid to slow down with school. I really did take it slowly up until now (well, I've gone through spurts, but mostly slowly) but now that dd has just turned 11, I'm freaking out a little.

[happyWImom]

I come here for support when I'm having a really tough time.

 

I try to focus and remind myself what it must be like to be in my child's shoes.

 

Sometimes I have to put myself in time out in my bedroom and take deep breaths, scream into a pillow, or scarf my chocolate stash.

 

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. For kids and myself. I have to exercise. It is incredible how much better I feel. Same for the kids. Fresh air and movement are wonderful.

 

Vent to dh

 

Read a good book at bedtime.

 

Realize that a bad day passes and start fresh the next day.

 

Forgive myself for mistakes.

 

 

I know exercise would be good. You should see all of the exercise dvds that I have, as well as the Xbox. I just can't seem to do it, though. I feel like I'm accomplishing something if I get through a day of school, but I just can't seem to fit the exercise in. The kids do spend a ton of time outside, and they are getting fresh air & exercise, at least. Reading is my escape & my salvation, I guess.

 

We just recently got rid of T.V., though, so I am hoping to get to bed earlier & get up earlier so that I can exercise.

[happyWImom]

((hugs))

My dd5 has significant special needs. Right now I am using a mix of Oak Meadow Preschool, Wynstone's Kindergarten Series, and A Child's Seasonal Treasury with her: circle time, lots of singing, movement verses, some arts and crafts-lots of fun stuff. I will do these things with her for at least two more years before moving to Oak Meadow Kindergarten. Right now pushing academics with her would be a disaster. Also, we have a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly rhythm that we try to follow. That way dd5 knows when I'll be working with her and when I'll be working with her older siblings. She also knows when I'll be cooking, or doing laundry, or cleaning, etc. and when I'll be taking her outside, to the store, or park and what day we'll have co-op. We try to eat meals and snacks around the same time each day and *try* to stick to a bedtime routine. I say *try* with bedtime b/c my dd5 has sleep issues. Sometimes just knowing what to expect can help our special needs children so much- actually all of our children and ourselves. :)

Find some fun learning activities that both children can do. Cuddle on the couch and read great books together. Get outside and play and take nature walks. Just relax and enjoy each other's company.

And please don't feel that you are whining or complaining. You are looking for help and support, which we all need sometimes.

 

 

I am hoping that OM will help, because it will give her the choices she needs (control issues) and let her use her creativity. I just need to force myself to stick with it & not switch again.

 

I do know that rhythm & consistancy is important, especially for her, and again, something I really need to work on.

[freeindeed]

Oak Meadow really works well for my special needs daughter.

[merry gardens]

I can't believe I've been on here for all of these years & not known about the SN board!! I will check it out.

 

Also, Thank you for pointing out my siggy. You're right, I am trying to do too much. I have soooo much stuff here, I should open a store. I know simple is better, but I think all of this curriculum has something to do with my issues. :001_smile: I need to do something about it.

 

No wonder you're doing so much if you've been on this board for years without every discovering the special needs board! I only venture occassional to other boards because it's overwhelming seeing all the things we can't do. One thing that helps me manage is to not compare myself to other homeschoolers too much.

 

(edit: That isn't to say that I'm not open to getting inspiration from other homeschoolers, because I love coming here to get ideas and support for our homeschooling. But I've had to learn that sometimes less is better, as long as the "less" is done well and the materials fit the child's and parents need.)

[Clarkd]

Ideas that have helped at our house include: structure, consistent schedule, maintaining routines, excercise times throughout each day, schooling every day, schooling year round, consistent meal times, consistent bed times, adequate time for sleep, having a dog, no caffeine, limited sugar, kids write daily in journals, I maintain a hs progress journal so I can see we are moving forward.

[sandst]

I do not know how to do multiple quote but from Hunter...

 

Over the decades, I have come to believe that the best thing we can offer a high maintenance family member is NOT to allow them to become the center of the family schedule, or to gobble up too much time, money and other resources.

 

:iagree: I wish someone had said this to me years ago.

 

Hunter also said:

 

This often means dropping expectations for them, and that feels so scary and negligent.

 

I'm finding the same techniques work the same when I was raising children, and when I live within a group of single adults. The rhythm needs to be a good one. Efforts need to be made to bring everyone into the rhythm, and sometimes, the needy persons needs go unmet. They just do. But at least they are not so resented they are pushed out of the group, and at least they don't tear apart the group, that they so desperately need. The group comes first.

 

First off, meal on time, proper sleep schedules, holiday/nature rhythms, clutter control and all that.

 

Needy people especially need to focus on the body and soul as well as the mind. Time for self-soothing as a priority; even before academics. Time for exercise as a priority; even before academics. Spirituality as a priority; even before academics.

 

With all our drama and uncertainty I am leaning towards this... I am printing thiso can read when needed. :grouphug: