Help me be more gracious, or tell me it is ok (Mostly a vent - sorry)

[jen3kids]

My mil is here visiting and I'm having a tough time with her comments about us visiting her this summer. She has been here a week+ and has mentioned it several times. I always reply with, "We don't know yet. It depends on how the rest of our summer goes." I know that she feels slighted because we always go to see my family for 2+ weeks, but they are MY family and dh rarely comes with us. Plus, she visits us at least twice/year for 10+ days each visit, so it's not like we never see her. Mil also tells us how much the cousins miss my kids, etc. The last time we went there, one family of cousins was in daycare the whole time, and the other was on vacation. I certainly don't expect them to change their schedules for us, but it was frustrating.

 

The first half of our summer is packed with a visit from friends, going to visit my parents and then the kids have camp. By that time, it is the end of July and school starts here the last week of August, so we have 3 weeks of summer vacation left.

 

We will likely visit fil as he is dying, but we usually go there only for the weekend. It is 10 hour drive. Mil lives 3 hours from fil so it adds about 6 hours driving time for us if we go there too. And, dh would have to miss more work.

 

I feel like we spend our entire summer in the car, and I hate it, hate it, hate it. At least at my parent's place, we don't have to go anywhere once we're there. Everyone comes to us, and if we want to do something, it's within an easy hour's drive to somewhere we all want to go.

 

I know I'm feeling annoyed with mil this visit because she always wants to go places the kids are not particularly interested in. Plus, with her mobility issues, we can usually only stay an hour (if that) at any place, despite the fact we've driven 1-2 hours to get somewhere - argh!!!! She refuses to use a wheelchair at any of these places. Thankfully there was an electric scooter available for her at the zoo yesterday. But, most places don't have scooters to rent. I guess I should look into renting a scooter for her entire visit the next time she comes. But, neither of us have the money for anything too expensive, so we'll see.

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I feel a bit better now!

[NotSoObvious]

I'm sorry. Family can be difficult.

[mamatohaleybug]

Ugh! I can relate. I'm sorry!

[Dandelion]

Sounds like you're handling it very graciously. :grouphug: Would it help if you and your DH just made a decision now about this summer, so you can let your MIL know? If it was settled one way or the other, she would likely stop asking, and everyone could relax (even if the answer isn't what one party or the other really wants). Hope the rest of the visit goes well. :grouphug:

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

I'd be tempted to tell her what I tell my kids, "If you ask me one more time, the answer will be no.".

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Vent away -- we're here for you!

 

One thing, though -- please remember that although she's the guest and you're the hostess, you don't need to bend over backward to take her everywhere she wants to go. I could understand one or two hour-long drives during her visit, but if she's pressuring you to take her more places, more frequently, and the kids don't even like those places, I think you are fully entitled to say no. Realistically, she's not an overnight guest; she's there for 10 days, and she should be trying to fit into your routine, not force her routine on you.

 

About the summer visit -- as Dandelion said, make a decision and tell her. Well, actually, let your dh tell her. It's his mother, and he should be dealing with her on issues that could cause a conflict, because she might take the news better from him.

 

Anyway, I think you're a saint for being so nice to your MIL and for trying to accommodate her needs and wishes, but remember that you and your kids matter, too. Also, couldn't your dh rescue you and the kids for a day by taking his mom out for some mother & son time? I'm sure you could use a break!

[jen3kids]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Vent away -- we're here for you!

 

One thing, though -- please remember that although she's the guest and you're the hostess, you don't need to bend over backward to take her everywhere she wants to go. I could understand one or two hour-long drives during her visit, but if she's pressuring you to take her more places, more frequently, and the kids don't even like those places, I think you are fully entitled to say no. Realistically, she's not an overnight guest; she's there for 10 days, and she should be trying to fit into your routine, not force her routine on you.

 

About the summer visit -- as Dandelion said, make a decision and tell her. Well, actually, let your dh tell her. It's his mother, and he should be dealing with her on issues that could cause a conflict, because she might take the news better from him.

 

Anyway, I think you're a saint for being so nice to your MIL and for trying to accommodate her needs and wishes, but remember that you and your kids matter, too. Also, couldn't your dh rescue you and the kids for a day by taking his mom out for some mother & son time? I'm sure you could use a break!

 

 

 

Thank you Catwoman.

 

 

Usually dh does take her for one day on each weekend that she's here and they have a wonderful time and that's about as much time as dh can handle spending with her. They didn't have a great relationship when he was a kid, so he does his best now. Unfortunately on this visit, he was away the first weekend she was here and this weekend got messed due to poor planning on our part. She was disappointed when I told her the only place we were going today was to dd's lacrosse game.

 

I feel badly not taking her places because she lives alone and it seems like she doesn't get out much. Her brother and sil live in the same town but do not enjoy the same things she does. She loves museums, art shows, shopping, theatre, etc, so I try to take her somewhere every other day that she is here. During this visit we've been out for breakfast and dinner (on separate days), to the Nature Center, a friend's for Easter Sunday. We've been to 3 different libraries (she used to be a librarian and is amazed by our libraries!), the zoo and a museum. She still wants to go to a local arboretum and one more museum. Thankfully, for me, the museum is closed the rest of the time she is here. We'll see about the arboretum tomorrow....

 

I think I'm way too easy-going in respect to her visits. I feel guilty and want to appease her. She is not demanding, in a loud, obvious way. She just casually mentions a bunch of things she'd 'really' like to do and 'thinks' the children would enjoy. Unfortunately, they have pretty much zero interest in the stuff, or they've already been there a bunch of times and don't want to go back. I don't blame them. I basically told my older two that they had to chose 1 place to go with her and were off the hook for the rest. Youngest is game for anything with anyone, thankfully.

 

Thanks again everyone. Venting is what I need. Dh is a good listener and he completely understands how I feel, but he's more ruthless and not stuck at home with her during the visits.

[Danestress]

Trying to think about it from her perspective, I can understand why she might really want you to come to her - she probably wants her family and friends to see your kids, and for your kids to be on her "turf" for a bit. Honestly, it seems like something an old lady should be able to hope for just for, say, a long weekend. We always drove 9 hours to visit my grandmother every summer, even though we only stayed a few nights. I know it was the highlight of her year. She did come down to us far more often, but she delighted in showing us her home and having us under her roof.

 

It seems to me that you and your husband should at least consider how your lives could be so busy that you can't give her that. Surely your kids are old enough that they can suck up the inconvenience and annoyance because it's the right thing to do. When they are adults and if you are then widowed, you probably will want them to be the kinds of people who visit their mother whether they really feel like it or not, so you could think of this as setting an example, and training them to think that way.

 

I definitely understand why you don't want to. I actually dislike being in someone else's house most of the time, and never loved visiting my MIL (we moved her to our town a few years ago, so now that never happens). I don't like driving, I don't like any of it. But I would do it once a year anyway because this is your DH's Mom and ... it just seems sort of sad that time with your family and going to camp squeeze out visiting her once a year.

 

But that is just based on it sounding like she is a reasonable kind is somewhat annoying person. If she's actually mean or otherwise an unsuitable person to have to visit, that's different.

[Impish]

Since your dh rarely goes w/you to see your folks, could he take the kids to visit his mom, w/out you? You don't say if your family comes to you at all. If this is the once a yr you see them, I'd not be willing to shorten that at all, but if you see them fairly regularily, maybe you take the kids to your folks, and dh takes the kids to his mom, shortening the trip by a few days?

 

Just looking at potential compromises.

[gardenmom5]

It's okay. your mil comes to you. remind her of how much time you spend visiting with her when she comes. I assume your parents don't come to you. people will treat you however you allow them to treat you.

 

I would insist that if she wants to go somewhere - she use a wheelchair, or get used to just sitting down somewhere waiting while you finish. e.g. the zoo - if there hadn't been a scooter, she could sit on a bench and enjoy the view while you took the children around. if she was uncomfortable - well, sorry, but kids can't be constantly be having their schedules changed. I also wouldn't take her everywhere she wants to go if none (or even most) are not child friendly. some are fine, but she 'ostensibly' came to visit her grandchildren, so I would expect her to do things *with* them that they would also enjoy. it will make better memories for them. right now, they aren't going to have good memories of her.

[NorthwestMom]

 

I know I'm feeling annoyed with mil this visit because she always wants to go places the kids are not particularly interested in. Plus, with her mobility issues, we can usually only stay an hour (if that) at any place, despite the fact we've driven 1-2 hours to get somewhere - argh!!!! She refuses to use a wheelchair at any of these places. Thankfully there was an electric scooter available for her at the zoo yesterday. But, most places don't have scooters to rent. I guess I should look into renting a scooter for her entire visit the next time she comes. But, neither of us have the money for anything too expensive, so we'll see.

 

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

My MIL is a crazy narcissist, so I totally get not enjoying a visit with your MIL. However, it looks to me like you are being controlled by the "enjoyment factor" of both your kids and your MIL. First, your kids are old enough to go do what an older relative wants to do and suck it up. They won't die if they have to revisit a museum for an out of town guest. It sounds like you MIL is lonely at home and really looks forward to seeing you all. Activities are not always going to be "kid centered". This is just training for adulthood.

 

Next, you can tell your MIL that you are not going to make such a time and travel commitment to go to an activity if she can't either physically endure it or be willing to use a wheelchair. That's just ridiculous.

 

I hope this does not sound harsh. I just want to encourage you to set some boundaries around what you will and will not allow. You don't have to accommodate the immaturity of MIL or the kids.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[jen3kids]

Are there any senior trips she could go on when she's at your place? Something sponsored by your church, your community, your library? The ones in this area are accessible and it's helping us with MILs need to get out, but not feel that she's a part of the group 15+ years her senior (even though she has less mobility than most of them).

 

 

There's no way she would go on a day trip without one of us. Maybe if I went with her...

 

Trying to think about it from her perspective, I can understand why she might really want you to come to her - she probably wants her family and friends to see your kids, and for your kids to be on her "turf" for a bit. Honestly, it seems like something an old lady should be able to hope for just for, say, a long weekend. We always drove 9 hours to visit my grandmother every summer, even though we only stayed a few nights. I know it was the highlight of her year. She did come down to us far more often, but she delighted in showing us her home and having us under her roof.

 

It seems to me that you and your husband should at least consider how your lives could be so busy that you can't give her that. Surely your kids are old enough that they can suck up the inconvenience and annoyance because it's the right thing to do. When they are adults and if you are then widowed, you probably will want them to be the kinds of people who visit their mother whether they really feel like it or not, so you could think of this as setting an example, and training them to think that way.

 

I definitely understand why you don't want to. I actually dislike being in someone else's house most of the time, and never loved visiting my MIL (we moved her to our town a few years ago, so now that never happens). I don't like driving, I don't like any of it. But I would do it once a year anyway because this is your DH's Mom and ... it just seems sort of sad that time with your family and going to camp squeeze out visiting her once a year.

 

But that is just based on it sounding like she is a reasonable kind is somewhat annoying person. If she's actually mean or otherwise an unsuitable person to have to visit, that's different.

 

 

 

I know. I know. Hence, the guilt and vent.

 

As for her wanting to 'show us off to her friends and family' - totally true and she freely admits to it. That doesn't make me feel any better about it though. I hate when my mom does that, and it feels even worse when mil does it. At least at my mom and dad's I kind of know the people I'm being shown off to - most of them I'm related to in some fashion (small town).

 

She is not mean or unreasonable - she's very nice, which is why I feel like such an awful daughter in law. My kids are old enough to suck it up, but it also makes them a bit resentful, which I understand.

 

Since your dh rarely goes w/you to see your folks, could he take the kids to visit his mom, w/out you? You don't say if your family comes to you at all. If this is the once a yr you see them, I'd not be willing to shorten that at all, but if you see them fairly regularily, maybe you take the kids to your folks, and dh takes the kids to his mom, shortening the trip by a few days?

 

Just looking at potential compromises.

 

 

Dh has never taken the kids to visit his family on his own. I have taken them many times without him. I'm a saint, I know. :Angel_anim:

 

My family visits us once a year or less and our families live 2 days drive from each other.

 

It's okay. your mil comes to you. remind her of how much time you spend visiting with her when she comes. I assume your parents don't come to you. people will treat you however you allow them to treat you.

 

I would insist that if she wants to go somewhere - she use a wheelchair, or get used to just sitting down somewhere waiting while you finish. e.g. the zoo - if there hadn't been a scooter, she could sit on a bench and enjoy the view while you took the children around. if she was uncomfortable - well, sorry, but kids can't be constantly be having their schedules changed. I also wouldn't take her everywhere she wants to go if none (or even most) are not child friendly. some are fine, but she 'ostensibly' came to visit her grandchildren, so I would expect her to do things *with* them that they would also enjoy. it will make better memories for them. right now, they aren't going to have good memories of her.

 

 

I feel badly having her wait for us, and I had to force her to sit in a wheelchair while we waited for the scooter at the zoo. She was tottering around complaining about how unsteady she was - the wheelchair was right there, for pete's sake :banghead:

 

She wants to do things with the kids, but her interests are so different from the kids, it's laughable sometimes what she thinks they may like. The kids and I do brainstorm activities she might like to do, but they are often not accessible to her, or so expensive it is prohibitive.

 

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

My MIL is a crazy narcissist, so I totally get not enjoying a visit with your MIL. However, it looks to me like you are being controlled by the "enjoyment factor" of both your kids and your MIL. First, your kids are old enough to go do what an older relative wants to do and suck it up. They won't die if they have to revisit a museum for an out of town guest. It sounds like you MIL is lonely at home and really looks forward to seeing you all. Activities are not always going to be "kid centered". This is just training for adulthood.

 

Next, you can tell your MIL that you are not going to make such a time and travel commitment to go to an activity if she can't either physically endure it or be willing to use a wheelchair. That's just ridiculous.

 

I hope this does not sound harsh. I just want to encourage you to set some boundaries around what you will and will not allow. You don't have to accommodate the immaturity of MIL or the kids.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

Thank you. All very true. And, I will feel better if I do.

[AMJ]

It could be that in addition to showing you off she has some concerns about her living situation that she finds too uncomfortable to bring up, or it could be travel is getting very hard for her. Perhaps if you could manage to visit every other year... Don't mention it to her, but once FIL passes on you could perhaps visit her every year.

 

In the meantime, thank her for coming to see you. Tell her that it has made it so much easier to get to see her, what with DH's work schedule and the costs of traveling and all. Let the implication lie that you don't know how you'd manage to get all of the visiting done (what with one of the kids' grandfathers being close to death and all) if she wasn't so great about coming to you.

 

Then tell her how exhausting everything is at home. Tell her how infrequently you get to see your own mother, and it means a lot to get to have a "mother/daughter" talk with her. Reminisce about when the kids were younger, and let her tell you about when DH was a boy. Tell her you are just not up to frequent outings, and ask if you could hold the day trips to 2 or 3 while she is here, so you have time to just rest and visit, too, and stay caught up on the never-ending housework.

 

Sometimes older people just want to know they are still important, and worth the bother. It might seem to her like she wouldn't be visited if she didn't come to you (irrational, but a very real feeling at times). Just let her know she is appreciated, and you recognize and value her willingness to come to you.

 

Oftentimes giving them this recognition and appreciation will help them ease off of the polite guilt-trips.

 

Hang in there, and come to vent anytime.

[kiwik]

Surely going to a few places they are not interested in won't harm your kids - especially if she can only manage a few hours.

 

Couldn't the cousins at day are been collected by one of you to visit?

 

I understand not wanting to stay at other peoples places but if you don't make the effort what will happen?

[Lisbeth]

Hmm. If dh can only handle her for one day, I would not expect my kids to, or me to. The one who should probably be mature and do something uncomfortable is dh, not the kids. But then, my rule is that dh always be present if his mother is, period. I would tell her the summer thing won't work, and leave it at that. I would probably also tell her flat out that the kids would preferthis or that activity.