How do you train laziness out of a kid

[brookspr]

 

This past month, my DH had me make a checklist for the boys (ages 3, 6, and 8). On the checklist were things like picking up dishes after each meal, cleaning up individual rooms, making sure clothes are not on the floor, etc. My DH wanted me to do this in preparation for a trip for the bigger two to Legoland, and I came up with a reward for the 3 year old (I'll get him "More Starfall", and I'll probably take him to a local play place while they're gone). DH said they needed to earn their checks each week in order to go to Legoland. He also did NOT want me to remind the boys a lot. So all I do now is say, "Did you get all your checks?" and they start hopping around getting them done. I check over their work afterward. If they don't do it, they don't get their check. Because of this, putting dishes in the dishwasher has now become a habit for the kids, especially my child that I just described in a PP, who usually wants to do the bare minimum. They have one more week of the checklist, and I think I'll continue it afterwards as a reminder, because it has really helped a lot. It's something they keep track of, so I'm not the one nagging them to clean something. It's the checklist nagging them. ;)

 

 

I have also done this, but many times I have to remind him to check the checklist which IMO is the same as reminding him to do the chore. I just want him to be able to think that when he is done with something it should be put away, whether it's dirty clothes, dishes, food, empty containers, toys or something as simple as a pencil.

[brownie]

It's easy to say "you just have to make the kid do the chore correctly", "natural consequences work", or "you train it out of him" when you haven't met the kid. We have a minimal chore chart. DS doesn't do the chores. Doesn't even look at the thing until after dinner. Then tells us he doesn't have time. He pays the consequences with great anger. Then additional chores show up the next day on top of any that weren't done and still would need to be done (like folding his laundry). He gets angrier. Now there's no way he could possibly find time to do all that! I explain that when I don't fulfill my responsibilities, most are waiting for me the next day, just like his schoolwork. Yesterday's don't disappear when we don't do them. He doesn't care. He's just furious. And he wins...because when he refuses to do the chores and they theoretically add up and add up, what exactly am I going to do about it? He doesn't care if his clothes smell. He doesn't care if they're wrinkled, especially since he's homeschooled! There really are no natural consequences of any concern to him. We have to impose consequences and that doesn't work long term either.

 

It makes my kid sound dreadful, but there it is. He's not dreadful. He's smart and funny, great with computers,spiritual and intellectually curious. But in this regard he's just darned stubborn...and more strong-willed than I have time to be. I have 3 kids to raise and a household to take care of. We joke that he would require a full-time person trailing him around the house for a month, EVERY MINUTE to train him properly. But honestly it's 100% true. He leaves a trail of trash, posessions and food in his wake everywhere he goes. Until we find a way to follow him around 24/7, he and we will muddle through the best we can, parenting the best we know how which isn't any differently than most people recommend. Except for 1 thing...I don't pretend he's just a naturally industrious kid who needs to be parented properly. I'm not perfect, but neither is he totally innocent. He's 12!

[weederberries]

My dh is very bright. Also he might be considered lazy. His theme throughout school was minimum input, maximmum output. He would rather take a B on a test than study and get an A. If he hadn't needed to keep scholarships, he would have simply coasted through school. If my dh hadn't been so bright, he'd have had trouble big time. However, on the farm he is an extraordinarily hard worker. It's his passion.

 

As far as labeling, I simply remind my kid to serve themselves and they can serve others. Yes, they can be demanding, but I don't see that as laziness as much as self centeredness. That's my job to train out of them..

 

Did we marry the same man? Actually, I'm that way too. We don't own a farm...we're too lazy for that. ;-) But, my husband has earned his position in his software company by hard work. It's passion that drives us self-centered/lazy people.

 

I have 3 children who follow similar patterns. I've never once called them lazy or even used the word to describe their actions to their faces (or in any situation that I wasn't positive they couldn't hear me), but it is a quick and easy way to describe their demeanor. Labels themselves are rarely helpful, but describing a behavior honestly is important to growing. When I speak to or in front of my children, I'm careful to say things like, "he chose not to do his best" or "a little more effort would have made this really excellent."

 

The truth is, and I'm describing myself here, that "lazy" people are really "self-centered" people. We typically mature enough not to demand that others wait on us hand and foot, but that typically means we settle for less than what we would really want when it means we can save a little effort. We excel in areas of passion, but muddle through the "boring" stuff. A B is fine in history class, but only an A+ will do in math. When we find things we're passionate about, be it software, crafts, math, or our marriage, we pursue them with full force and effort.

 

I can relate to the trait appearing at young ages too. None of my 3 children rolled over before 9 months old. Why would they? It took a lot of effort and they could be content wherever I put them. They sat up on the early side, crawled a bit late and didn't walk until 17-20 months old. The plus side? They were content (and extremely easy babies). Where they excelled were verbal skills. It was far easier to learn the word "ball" and ask for it than it was to walk over there and get it themselves - and that's the truth.

 

They display self-centeredness in other areas besides school too. It's a trait we all need to work on as a family. I'm trying SO hard to model selflessness and diligence and to reward it when I see it in them. They come by it honestly and have two "lazy" parents as models. Frankly, it's a hard battle and it's humbling to see your faults laid out before you. The plus side is that we find it somewhat easy to be content with the circumstances we are given.

 

If it helps the OP, modeling the desired behavior, rewarding successes and making lessons of failures is probably your best bet in the long term. Keep pushing him to try new things. Eventually he will find his passion and there will be at least one area where he will excel and that feeling will fuel further efforts in other areas of interest.

[KrissiK]

It's easy to say "you just have to make the kid do the chore correctly", "natural consequences work", or "you train it out of him" when you haven't met the kid. We have a minimal chore chart. DS doesn't do the chores. Doesn't even look at the thing until after dinner. Then tells us he doesn't have time. He pays the consequences with great anger. Then additional chores show up the next day on top of any that weren't done and still would need to be done (like folding his laundry). He gets angrier. Now there's no way he could possibly find time to do all that! I explain that when I don't fulfill my responsibilities, most are waiting for me the next day, just like his schoolwork. Yesterday's don't disappear when we don't do them. He doesn't care. He's just furious. And he wins...because when he refuses to do the chores and they theoretically add up and add up, what exactly am I going to do about it? He doesn't care if his clothes smell. He doesn't care if they're wrinkled, especially since he's homeschooled! There really are no natural consequences of any concern to him. We have to impose consequences and that doesn't work long term either.

 

 

With our kid, a lot of consequences don't work, because he doesn't care. Right now he's under house arrest, he has to either follow dh or me around or be in his room. However, I've had to resort to, "you don't get lunch until this is done, and the kitchen closes at 12:30". I know that sounds like harsh measures, but that's his lowest common denominator. Food. And I can't let chores pile up because he's easily overwhelmed and then shuts down altogether. So, it's like, we do everything incrementally. He doesn't care about missing tv or video games or anything else, but meals.... That's where we have leverage.

[fairfarmhand]

My DH would say he has the makings of a great engineer. Looking for easier ways to do hard things is not always a bad trait to have.

Interesting....my dh is an engineer... :)

[brownie]

Absolutely! I wished I had mentioned self-centeredness in my post. My 12yr old son is a mild Aspie. He is wired to be self centered. I think it has a lot to do with "laziness" or whatever term you want to call it. I was the opposite of self-centered as a child and my 7 year old couldn't be any less self-centered and still be a 7 year old boy. But when a child is self-centered, traditional parenting techniques are not as effective because you don't get the trifecta of consequences, rewards and the desire to please others working together.

 

I am not saying everyone with a lazy child is Asp. That's just my situation. However, I did want to support the OP. Having a lazy kid does not mean you are parenting incorrectly, any more than having a kid who is slow to read or do math is your fault. I wish people would suggest "have you tried this technique?" instead of jumping to "how could you say something so awful about your kid?" Even better, if you had a kid who WAS lazy and you were successful at nipping it in the bud then you know where I'm coming from. Personally, hearing from people whose kids were always perfect with regard to the virtue I'm working on is not typically helpful. Sometimes, but not often.

[KrissiK]

My lazy boy is incredibly self-centered. He literally thinks the world revolves around him and he should just get to do whatever he likes and "because I don't want to" is a completely valid reason for why he shouldn't have to do schoolwork or chores.

[Ariston]

Alot of what people have said has gotten me thinking. I actually do not think of him as easy going too much. I think unmotivated might be a better word than lazy alot of the time. He likes to put minimal effort into things, even sometimes things he otherwise enjoys (ie soccer). The only reason I gave the 7months old example is because of the idea that he has always been a bit like that. When he was 7 months old (maybe older I cannot remember) I realized he could sit unsupported when he didn't realize it. IE I would notice when he was on my lap and "thought" I was holding him he would hold himself up just fine. But if I put him down he couldn't. Despite what everyone here probably thinks of me I actually do have quite and extensive knowledge in child development. I have a bachelors degree in Human Development and Family Studies with an emphasis in infancy and understand that there are often HUGE ranges in typical development in all areas.

 

 

I think for now I am going to focus on a few goals for him.

 

One. He says he wants to do the bicycling merit badge for boy scounts this summer. This is a pretty difficult thing to accomplish andI think it will be really really hard for him but I am going to try my hardest to praise, encourage, and cheerlead him through. I think it will be a big deal to accomplish and I want him to experience working hard for something and reaping the reward. Like I said I am not sure he has ever really had the chance to work hard at something he isn't that good at and accomplish something big.

Christina

 

I think this is a great idea. Your son reminds me of myself at that age. I had a ton of things I wanted to do, and I was very bright, but I just didn't work hard at anything. My parents were very passive and had an attitude that when we found our life path, we would be self directed and motivated. Well that might work for some kids, but I really needed a lot more than that. Later i realized that what I wanted was for my parents to help me identify goals, and then to help me achieve them. I didn't know it at the time, but i really needed more external structure. It looked like I was lazy (and I was, in the sense that i didn't work hard at things) but I did want to work hard and feel a sense of accomplishment, it was just.....well, hard!

 

Maybe your son is similar?

[Ariston]

I have 3 kids to raise and a household to take care of. We joke that he would require a full-time person trailing him around the house for a month, EVERY MINUTE to train him properly. But honestly it's 100% true. He leaves a trail of trash, possessions and food in his wake everywhere he goes.

 

 

This is actually what my husband and I did recently, and it worked pretty well!! :lol: We made them deal with their messes immediately (or as soon as we saw them.) It took a week or two before we noticed improvement, but now we are seeing it. We'll see what happens in the future...if we can stick with it or not. :)

[KrissiK]

 

 

I think this is a great idea. Your son reminds me of myself at that age. I had a ton of things I wanted to do, and I was very bright, but I just didn't work hard at anything. My parents were very passive and had an attitude that when we found our life path, we would be self directed and motivated. Well that might work for some kids, but I really needed a lot more than that. Later i realized that what I wanted was for my parents to help me identify goals, and then to help me achieve them. I didn't know it at the time, but i really needed more external structure. It looked like I was lazy (and I was, in the sense that i didn't work hard at things) but I did want to work hard and feel a sense of accomplishment, it was just.....well, hard!

 

Maybe your son is similar?

Elena

This comment really made me think. We've had our lazy son on house arrest for various offenses, and he's actually done very well. He's been more cooperative and pleasant, and it's made me wonder, are we not giving him enough guidance? Are we expecting him to "just know" certain things and not "teaching" him enough? The last several days his life has not been his own, but for some reason he's been a lot more cheerful. Strange. It makes me wonder if that's the problem with a lot of kids. They're told to "follow their dreams" but they don't know what their dreams are or how to follow them and parents are too wrapped up in their own careers or whatever to really guide their kids and help them along the way. Child psychology tells us to let our kids make choices and not to control their lives, and maybe in a way that's backfiring a little.

[HS Mom in NC]

Maybe I should specify what makes my nephew lazy. He's 10 years old and has been perfectly capable of tying his shoes for years. He'll still ask someone to do it for him-no one ever does, but he asks anyway. If he wants something sitting nearby (his jacket, a toy, etc.) he'll ask someone else sitting in the same room he's in to get it for him, even though he has no physical or mental impairment. He still asks people to buckle his seat belt for him even though he can do it himself. His dad, my brother, always says in a neutral tone of voice, "No, Nash. It's your job to do that." then the kid does. How is mother handles it, I don't know-they have joint custody.

 

All he does like to do is play video games, but I don't allow much of that around my house-especially since he's a cousin coming over to play, so once screen time is up it's outside. It takes him a few minutes to accept the idea that I won't let him continue watching TV. Then he complains about going outside. He tries to talk the kids into something that involves sitting, but then after a few minutes of that he finally gets involved in the active play going on.

[goldberry]

I agree that laziness can be a genuine personality trait and cannot always be "parented" away or relabeled as something positive. My DD, who is always very honest with me in discussions, will sometimes just flat out admit, "I was just being lazy." I am very careful about not using this label for her. But when we are discussing why something can't seem to get done, she will sometimes just come out and admit that.

 

I myself have a weakness with laziness, luckily growing up it was balanced by a fierce desire for for praise and success. I wanted the praise and success enough that it won out over the laziness. So I agree that at the root of the problem is the inability to see the benefit. Her desire not to put out the effort to do something is not outweighed by any perceived benefit. The problem is that she is so much an "in the moment" kid, even when you discuss the benefits with her, she still can't SEE it.

 

Of course, I don't want her to be motivated as much by the need for outside praise like I was, so instead we talk about, "What kind of person do you want to be? Do your actions match what you want to be?"

 

Our favorite oft-repeated saying is, "Sometimes it's easier to just do something that to feel bad later about not doing it." I'm hoping it will one day sink in, but who knows?

 

:grouphug: to OP!

[I.Dup.]

The self-fulfilling prophecy stuff is something I'm very skeptical about. It could just be that a parent, who lives with their child 24/7 (give or take) from birth is able to see their own individual personality and characteristics develop, and call them on it. Never in history has it been bad, until very recently, for a parent to call out their child on their bad behavior (now it is even taboo to label any behavior as "bad"). Also, from a morality standpoint, we are to be our children's consciences until their own develop, so that voice we hear in our head of "you're being selfish, you're being lazy" that sounds like our parent...just might be true.

 

I have one child who would fit the definition of "lazy", although I have always defined him as "mellow" instead of lazy, probably because he has such a pleasant temperament so that makes things easier. I can understand the OP's point that they have been like this from infancy. I saw these "mellow" tendencies in this particular son from birth as well. He would lay around all day nursing, not moving, and be perfectly content. :)

 

My dh is much the same way. I am more inclined to err on the side of unschooling this child than pushing him too hard, because there is a stubbornness that can turn around and bite them in the butt later on if they are forced to do things. My dh practically failed out of high school and fled into the military just to spite his overbearing mother.

[claluck]

I thank everyone for their imput. I agree with much that has been said. For a bit I will admit I was upset by some of the replies. I had decided not to even reply any more. I did not intended to come on here and bash my son. He really is a wonderful caring child with a great personality. He just has some traits that can be super frustrating. (Just like we all do). I was very frustrated after last weeks fight with him all week. We forgot about it all weekend and started fresh this week. Monday was better (not great) but hopefully continures. I also see some of the beginning signs of puberty in him and some of that attitude that comes with it. I have never had a ton of patience for adolescent attitude. That is my husbands strength lol.

 

I think too I can be too harsh and critical of him at times. On the other hand I feel that it is important to call your children out on their misbehaviors. That is my job as a parent. To raise a person who is an acceptable and contributing member to society. Who has a set of moral values to govern him. That doesn't mean I should bash him in and tell him he is horrible all the time, but it does mean I should help him to better himself constantly. We all should have that as a goal. I feel that I should teach him to look to his future. Not to stress about it but an occasional reflection on where you might be in a few months, or next year, or a few years is not a bad thing. Even for a kid. Especially for a smart kid. I think it is a lacking trait in our soceity (hence overwhelming debt in individuals and our nations).

 

I think both sides of the replies on this topic have helped me to think through MY issue with this. The criticism has made me think more about how I can improve and the commiseration and comfort has helped me feel like I am not the horrible sludge of a parent I blame myself for being at times and helped me reflect as well. I do believe laziness is a real thing, I do not believe I created it in my son, I do think I can push him without being afraid of ruining him so long as I do it the right way, and I do think i should guide and correct his actions as he grows, not just ignore them or pretend they aren't there or are something they are not. As the pp said I need to be his conscience at times.

 

I also need to remind myself that he is only 11 years old and that he deserves my attention when he is being wonderful and delightful as well. I need to focus on those times more.

 

Christina

[lakotajm]

 

If, on the other hand, the parent looks for opportunities to catch the child working hard or being helpful, the parent can then build on those opportunities. The parent can tell the child directly how hard-working or helpful they are at that moment. Later, the parent can tell another adult about how hard-working or helpful the child was - making sure the child can "overhear" the praise. The child is now labeled as hard-working and helpful, and begins to think of him- or herself that way, and so is more likely to behave in a hard-working or helpful way in the future (which again can be positively reinforced by the parent).

 

If the child is behaving in a manner that the parent considers lazy, instead of labeling the behavior (and the child, because they often can't make that distinction), the parent can figure out what it is that they'd like the child to do differently and teach the child how to get to that result. For example, if the child asks the parent to get something for them, and the parent thinks the child shoud do it for themsleves, the parent can just tell the child sorry, but they'll have to get it for themselves.

Well, yeah, duh.

I have read and applied numerous parenting books' advice to that effect. Catch them being good, praise their efforts out loud where others can hear, etc. Been there, done that but it has never made my lazy kids not lazy. Neither have the explanations about expectations that at 8 they can get it themselves. I have to make them be helpful-ie threaten them with consequences if they don't help and then thank them for being helpful (which they of course did not actually want to be).

 

I guess I am just saying a stinky shoe is a stinky shoe. At some point I am going to get tired of calling it a rose in the hopes that it will magically turn into a rose when it has been a stinky shoe for years and has no interest whatsoever in being anything other than a stinky shoe. ;-)

[lakotajm]

I have also done this, but many times I have to remind him to check the checklist which IMO is the same as reminding him to do the chore. I just want him to be able to think that when he is done with something it should be put away, whether it's dirty clothes, dishes, food, empty containers, toys or something as simple as a pencil.

 

Sigh, yeah. We've tried checklists. It works somewhat for the Aspie who loves order but the really self-centered kid would rather not do it, rip up the list and yell at me. With regards to the idea that the checklist takes the fall: It is not the checklist making her do it-she's intelligent enough to know who came up with the checklist! I fell for that with timers. She has torn up 5 timers so far. And she knows who buys them and who sets them. She is not mentally deficient and apparently has not read all those brilliant parenting books.

With a very impulsive kid who cannot see the value in delayed gratification, there simply is no consequence nor any reward motivating enough. And parenting these kinds of kids is truly worthy of a medal.

[Free]

Well, yeah, duh.

I have read and applied numerous parenting books' advice to that effect. Catch them being good, praise their efforts out loud where others can hear, etc. Been there, done that but it has never made my lazy kids not lazy. Neither have the explanations about expectations that at 8 they can get it themselves. I have to make them be helpful-ie threaten them with consequences if they don't help and then thank them for being helpful (which they of course did not actually want to be).

 

I guess I am just saying a stinky shoe is a stinky shoe. At some point I am going to get tired of calling it a rose in the hopes that it will magically turn into a rose when it has been a stinky shoe for years and has no interest whatsoever in being anything other than a stinky shoe. ;-)

 

 

Quite clearly you don't see this, but perhaps this is the problem? That you fervently hope that by magic or affirmation the stinky shoe which you seem to not appreciate or value will turn into a rose that you seem to hold as some sort of ideal. You seem to believe that the only right way to be is to be a rose?

 

As long as as you keep comparing the reality of the stinky shoes to the fantasy of the rose you will continue to be disappointed and the shoes in turn will continue to feel inadequate and quite incapable of ever matching up to your ideals.

 

Quoting Professor McGonagall seems appropriate here when she said to Neville Longbottom "It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have." :tongue_smilie:

[Free]

I do believe laziness is a real thing, I do not believe I created it in my son, I do think I can push him without being afraid of ruining him so long as I do it the right way, and I do think i should guide and correct his actions as he grows, not just ignore them or pretend they aren't there or are something they are not. As the pp said I need to be his conscience at times.

 

Laziness may be a real thing, but I believe that the label of "lazy" can provide no real value to either parent or child. The label "lazy" cannot provide guidance to the child in how to behave or what is expected of him and it does nothing for the parent other than to create a sense of inadequacy and frustration. The problem becomes more black and white and the label fails to acknowledge the many nuances of gray.

 

It would far better to adopt language that actually helps you in guiding the child without feeling frustrated, e.g. "My child currently needs lots of supervision during school work and my aim is for him to be able to do his school work with progressively less supervision over time". Now expressing the problem like this gives you a positive framework with which you can look for real tools and solutions for the specific issue. And you can work step by step with the child instead of asking the child to take what might look like a massive leap.

[stripe]

Never in history has it been bad, until very recently, for a parent to call out their child on their bad behavior (now it is even taboo to label any behavior as "bad").

In many cultures, historical and contemporary, very young children (such as infants, or children under 7) are not expected to be particularly obedient or accomplished. There certainly are cultures where some adults are phenomenally lazy, and no one thinks bad of it. In fact, I was just listening to an interview yesterday on the BBC with Lucy Lethbridge, author of Servants: A Downstairs History of Britain from the Nineteenth Century to Modern Times, and she was discussing how the wealthy did NOTHING for themselves, and didn't know how. She mentioned reports from American women who married into wealthy British families and were shocked at how incompetent their husbands and families were. You can listen at

 

There have always been parents who try to cover for their children and help their bad behavior, to preserve the family name/honor, rather than expose their sins to the scrutiny of the world. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

[Trilliums]

I have two teenage sons (14 yo & 16 yo). Their work habits at age 11 bear little resemblance to their work habits now. My older son in particular, who is 2e (LD/gifted) and has perfectionist tendencies, seemed like a total slacker throughout the elementary years. Right around when he turned 14, he changed, on his own. It was not due to any training or deliberate coaching on my part. My son, who wouldn't or couldn't do elementary math, worked through pre-alg and alg in grade 8 and then geometry and alg 2 in grade 9 so that he could enroll in precalc and AP Physics at the high school for grade 10. Three years ago I was scratching my head wondering how in the world he would ever manage any kind of job. Yesterday he found out he was accepted to a competitive summer research program at our local Univ. :hurray: They change SOOOO much. In the younger grades, he saw no reason to do the kind of school work normally associated with elementary studies. Why challenge yourself to do pointless stuff? Now we have to have conversations about not overdoing it because sometimes he works too hard.

[jhschool]

Driven, self-motivated children are a rarity. They exist but I haven't noticed them to be the majority.

 

 

This is true. A few are interest-driven. The key is to find what motivates them and

then they often take off. I think.

[kiwik]

 

 

I think this is a great idea. Your son reminds me of myself at that age. I had a ton of things I wanted to do, and I was very bright, but I just didn't work hard at anything. My parents were very passive and had an attitude that when we found our life path, we would be self directed and motivated. Well that might work for some kids, but I really needed a lot more than that. Later i realized that what I wanted was for my parents to help me identify goals, and then to help me achieve them. I didn't know it at the time, but i really needed more external structure. It looked like I was lazy (and I was, in the sense that i didn't work hard at things) but I did want to work hard and feel a sense of accomplishment, it was just.....well, hard!

 

Maybe your son is similar?

Elena

 

 

This resonates with me too - as an 8 to 10 year old I wanted to study history, classics and Latin. I didn't know how and I needed someone to help me. I settled for just reading every historical novel I could get my hands on. It is what appeals to me about a classical education.

[laughing lioness]

I am currenlty listening to "Habits" on audio. It sounds like it might be a helpful book for you. They talk about the innovative KIPP program (Knowledge is Power Program- it's a charter and they've had phenomenol success in bottom of the pit public schools). They "teach" self-control. Lots of good food for thought in there.

[I.Dup.]

In many cultures, historical and contemporary, very young children (such as infants, or children under 7) are not expected to be particularly obedient or accomplished. There certainly are cultures where some adults are phenomenally lazy, and no one thinks bad of it. In fact, I was just listening to an interview yesterday on the BBC with Lucy Lethbridge, author of Servants: A Downstairs History of Britain from the Nineteenth Century to Modern Times, and she was discussing how the wealthy did NOTHING for themselves, and didn't know how. She mentioned reports from American women who married into wealthy British families and were shocked at how incompetent their husbands and families were. You can listen at

https://soundcloud.c...r-author-of-new

 

There have always been parents who try to cover for their children and help their bad behavior, to preserve the family name/honor, rather than expose their sins to the scrutiny of the world. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

 

 

That's interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of Asian cultures where it's common for parents to call their children derogatory names and hold them to very high standards, call them out on any bad behavior, and no one would bat an eye. Yet here in America, referring to a lazy child as "lazy" is taboo.

[stripe]

That's interesting. I was thinking more along the lines of Asian cultures where it's common for parents to call their children derogatory names and hold them to very high standards, call them out on any bad behavior, and no one would bat an eye. Yet here in America, referring to a lazy child as "lazy" is taboo.

Sometimes downplaying one's kids accomplishments is more modesty (including false modesty) than true denigration. "Oh, my son only got into Harvard, I am so upset!" may not be true sorrow.

 

On the other hand, If you listen to the Diane Rehm interview with Amy Chua, you will find some Chinese American (and other Asian Amerians) who spoke about how damaging they found their childhood and parental expectation/high stress atmosphere of performance.

Transcript at http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-01-12/amy-chua-battle-hymn-tiger-mother/transcript

The most touching part of Chua's story is really about her own mother's relationship with Chua's sister, who has Down syndrome.

 

Yet (are we on our third hand?) many Japanese kids (and husbands) are allowed to be very lax, even what some may find rude at home. Young kids are not expected to be particularly disciplined at home. In public, yes, but not so much at home. Letting their hair down, and so on. Rather than the Tiger Mom. You can read criticism of this in Tobin's Japanese Preschools and the Pedagogy of Selfhood in Japanese Sense of Self.

http://books.google.com/books?id=0yMyYZ5FffUC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false

[carriewillard]

I think your kid sounds normal. I have 7, and they are all lazy in different areas. Heck, *I* would much rather read a good book than clean house! ;)