S/O Do you change things at other people's homes?

[Anne in CA]

I once upset my mother terribly by throwing away some expired coupons and have not messed with other people's things since, lol.

[TeachingTwins]

Never. But, my MIL seems to feel like she can change or add anything she wants in our house. She has planted plants in our yard without asking us. And she'll bring knickknacks that she doesn't want anymore, but can't bear to donate or toss, and puts them somewhere on our shelves. Very annoying.

[JeneralMom]

Never. But, my MIL seems to feel like she can change or add anything she wants in our house. She has planted plants in our yard without asking us. And she'll bring knickknacks that she doesn't want anymore, but can't bear to donate or toss, and puts them somewhere on our shelves. Very annoying.

 

 

My mother is very much a "changer without permission". We have had many, many blow ups about it, but it was only in the last month, after reading Love Languages, that I realized her love language is Acts of Service and she is trying to show her love by helping. However, because she is a martyr with BPD she couches it as "jenr is completely incapable of taking care of herself or her family so I have to go do it for her, poor me." I learned to ask her to do big jobs when she visits (my walls get washed, for instance) and she has gradually learned to ask before doing small things. However, the last time she visited, she decided to be helpful by cleaning out all my dead outdoor plants, washing out the pots and stacking them out on my front porch. I flipped out because they were perenials that I had spent a ton of money on and had been planning on giving to friends when we moved. She should have felt bad, but she didn't because what she really wanted was the pretty, expensive pots so she took those home with her.

[JennyD]

My first reaction was, "Of course not," but then I realized that I blithely change the thermostat, etc. at my parents' house. I do not alter my mother's cockamamie kitchen setup -- when I clean up I try to put things back in the daffy places she keeps them-- but I certainly make fun of it. And when my mother comes here she doesn't really change things on purpose, but she does put everything back in the totally wrong spot, switches out my light bulbs to brighter ones, and requests that we move lamps around for her. It's fine with me.

 

I also told my parents a couple of years ago that their house was starting to smell bad and they were honestly very grateful. They couldn't smell it at all themselves and as they said, if I didn't tell them, who would? They did some serious deep cleaning and now the house is much fresher. Periodically they ask me to sniff around and make sure it's still OK.

[wapiti]

My mother is very much a "changer without permission". We have had many, many blow ups about it, but it was only in the last month, after reading Love Languages, that I realized her love language is Acts of Service and she is trying to show her love by helping. However, because she is a martyr with BPD she couches it as "jenr is completely incapable of taking care of herself or her family so I have to go do it for her, poor me.".

 

 

We have the same mother (minus the BPD but including the martyr). She doesn't understand why I'm not grateful for all the "help" rearranging my spice cabinet, my desk, the shirts in my closet... Oh yes, there was a time she rearranged the living room furniture in my first apartment with DH while we were at work. I can't leave for fear of what she'll do next. Today she said she would buy me a new kitchen trash can because it looks so awful and said most people would be thankful. Thanks...

 

She's here *right now*. Four days down, six to go :glare:

 

Tomorrow her job is to organize the puzzles, which are all mixed up (the pieces)

 

(Plus, just venting, she is a major extrovert and I am a major introvert. She does. not. understand. me.)

[MrsBasil]

I will say that anyone who feels the need to clean is welcome to come over to my house anytime.

 

 

Cleaning is one thing, IMO. My friends and I help each other with dishes, fold laundry, and all that. But I dislike when someone moves things around. Like my FIL who re arranged my kitchen one time, because he thought his way made more sense. Who does that? Why? My kitchen! Mine!

 

I was childless at the time, so I gave him parenting advice next time I saw him. He took it the same way I took my re arranged kitchen and we declared a truce. Now I keep him OUT of my kitchen.

[Impish]

 

 

My mother is very much a "changer without permission". We have had many, many blow ups about it, but it was only in the last month, after reading Love Languages, that I realized her love language is Acts of Service and she is trying to show her love by helping. However, because she is a martyr with BPD she couches it as "jenr is completely incapable of taking care of herself or her family so I have to go do it for her, poor me." I learned to ask her to do big jobs when she visits (my walls get washed, for instance) and she has gradually learned to ask before doing small things. However, the last time she visited, she decided to be helpful by cleaning out all my dead outdoor plants, washing out the pots and stacking them out on my front porch. I flipped out because they were perenials that I had spent a ton of money on and had been planning on giving to friends when we moved. She should have felt bad, but she didn't because what she really wanted was the pretty, expensive pots so she took those home with her.

I would've kept the dang pots!

 

I think this illustrates the basic issue. Respect.

 

Those we have a respectful, close and loving relationship w/can do things that are taken in a positive light, whereas those we have a more challenging relationship w/it's automatically taken as criticism.

 

B/c ppl's motivations are very much a factor.

 

For example: SpecialMama came over for coffee, and asked if she could clean my kitchen. She asked b/c she knew I'd been having a rough patch w/RSD, and it was genuinely motivated by nothing more or less than her caring about me. I had a really, REALLY hard time w/her doing it, even so. Pride, yanno? But, I knew that it wasn't a judgement from her,it was a genuine desire to help, an act of service from her.

 

Now, my mother/MIL?! Ack!

 

Last time my mother was at my place, she didn't say anything, just examined things w/what I now think of as 'cat butt face'. Eyes narrowed, brow furrowed, mouth puckered.

 

MIL came right out and told me my house was a disaster. (This after I'd sent myself into several bad flareups way overdoing things so the house would meet Her Royal Highness standards). I told MIL to tie her right arm behind her back, and have at it...see how easy it is to clean house 1 armed.

 

MIL was easier to deal w/than my mother. Saying something, I could respond. Cat butt face, there's no responding to, b/c she denied she was looking that way.

[Hwin]

I'm so afraid of doing something the wrong way at other people's houses that I am less helpful than I should be. Especially because when you start asking "which cloth do you use for dishes" and "where do you put the clean bowls" the response is usually "oh no, you sit down blah blah blah." So that just makes it more awkward.

[gardenmom5]

when my mother comes here she doesn't really change things on purpose, . . . , switches out my light bulbs to brighter ones,

um - that seems contradictory. not change things on purpose - BUT switches out light bulbs to brighter ones. sounds deliberate to me. unless it was burned out, and she couldn't read what wattage you had in your lamp and mistakenly replaced it with the wrong one. we keep our bulbs where only the residents of the house know where they are so no guest could possibly replace a burned out bulb without us knowing.

Never. But, my MIL seems to feel like she can change or add anything she wants in our house. She has planted plants in our yard without asking us. And she'll bring knickknacks that she doesn't want anymore, but can't bear to donate or toss, and puts them somewhere on our shelves. Very annoying.

sounds like my mil. she once painted my bathroom scale the night before I had a shower for my-side sil at my house. the color clashed with everything. she'd also TAKE knickknacks she liked and claim they were hers if she was caught.

 

I have no problem sending to a thrift store something she sends to me. "where's the __ I left last time?" I wasn't able to use it and needed to pass it along. at worst, she'd rant and never give me anything again.

she's still alive, but seriously slowed down and barely walks with two canes. at least part of the time she's using a wheelchair now.

 

Tomorrow her job is to organize the puzzles, which are all mixed up (the pieces)

 

so, was this a planned/arranged activity for her to keep her busy? or did she volunteer to do that? my sil would always have projects planned to keep mil busy at her house. after all -busy people with nothing to do will find something to do so in self-defense you should help them find something to do to keep your house and family safe and sane.

 

I would've kept the dang pots!

 

I think this illustrates the basic issue. Respect.

 

MIL was easier to deal w/than my mother. Saying something, I could respond. Cat butt face, there's no responding to, b/c she denied she was looking that way.

I would have kept the pots too. even if it was just to drive home the point - these were MY things in MY house.

 

My brother did that with things I gave to my mom. He liked them (his ex-wife was worse.) so he'd just take them home with him (mom didn't give him permission). I retrieved things from his house quite a few times, along with delivering a lecture on respecting other people's property. It wasn't that I particularly wanted them back, and if he hadn't been such a piece of work, I might have given them to him. I even thought about giving him one of the items for his birthday - but I've come to the conclusion he's NPD. (and his ex has some kind of PD too.) I'm certainly not going to feed that.

 

cat face deserves aggressive dog face. Might I recommend a rottweiler.

[gardenmom5]

Oh, Imp - if you want to have some fun with your cat-faced mother. I told my mil I was so glad I was able to meet her need to be critical and fix things, etc. she ranted for a good 30 minutes about how that was not true. It's been nearly 30 years, so I don't remember everything she said. I was rolling on the floor the whole time. It was amazingly destressing.

 

last summer she went off on a rant towards favorite gdd's fiance and insisting gdd call off the wedding. we told him to consider it a mark of approval and welcome to the family.

[Impish]

My mother is no longer an issue, but I'll keep that in mind w/MIL!

[Dustybug]

You really don't care about which way the toilet paper goes? Really? There's two of us! I'm not alone! I'm not a freak! Okay, we're both freaks! ;)

 

 

I don't care either and think it is ridiculous to worry about toilet paper.

 

I was once at someone's house and they had this basket of towels in there. Well I took one out and used it. She later asked me why I took her display towel out to use. I said I thought they were there to use. She said no those are my display towels. Ok then. They were all plain colors and on the counter stacked in a basket. I figured they were there because she had more people over. This was a sewing club type thing. I was so embarrassed and kind of ticked that she made a fuss over it. I just made a joke of it but that really made me consider EXTRA how not to be petty.

 

That is weird. Simply weird. And rude of her.