m0mmaBuck Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 and I don't know how to help him. It turns out that one of his former soldiers was a serial killer. Story here. We've known about it for a few months, since the FBI knocked on our door to question us about the guy, but now that he has killed himself and more information is coming out, DH is really struggling. He feels like he missed something about the guy. He feels like somehow he could have stopped him. It doesn't help that the dates that the guy says something snapped in him was at a time when DH should have been with him but instead was Medivac'd from the Sinai for kidney stones, leaving his mortar section in the hands of another soldier. Honestly, the kid was one of his best soldiers. He was smart. Stayed out of trouble. Always did things right the first time he was asked. Polite. Friendly. Respectful. Anyway, he has been very short with everyone and very moody since Keyes killed himself. He went to Church, lit a candle, and prayed (very uncharacteristic of him). I asked him to make an extra appt with his PTSD counselor because he is obviously struggling. Otherwise, I'm at a loss but I'm tired of seeing little things set him off knowing that we are not the reason, Keyes is. Does anyone have any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm sorry. Will he talk to you about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: That's so hard. I can't imagine trying to deal with something like that. Your dh probably just needs more time to process it all, but if he seems to get worse rather than better, I'd start to suggest he get some counseling. I know that I would absolutely need some professional help to deal with something like that. Also, from what I've heard and read, serial kiilers tend to be very smart and good at fooling the people around them. I remember that, back when they caught that BTK guy, his own wife was shocked and completely clueless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm so sorry. Your dh is clearly not to blame for anything that happened, but obviously he is upset and not thinking clearly about it yet. It must be so hard when someone for whom he has been responsible, turns out so incredibly badly, but perhaps a good, experienced counselor can help him recognize all of the good that he has done for all of the others that he has worked with over the years, so he realizes how much good he has done for them. It's not like anyone else he knows has turned into a serial killer. Not being there for a short time with this one guy did not turn the guy into a serial killer. For all anyone knows, the guy could have been killing people for a lot more years than he's admitting to. The guy sounds like a real loon, and he must have been very clever and cunning to have hidden his evil personality from everyone around him for over 14 years -- and I'll bet he had major issues well before then. This guy was a pro. Realistically, your dh was incredibly lucky that the guy never turned on him. Sending :grouphug: and prayers to your dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 the only advice I have is time. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: It takes a huge amount of time for the mind to process something like this. feeling a little bit responsible is just one of the stages of grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 That's a huge thing to deal with. :grouphug: I hope your husband has easy access to counselors - it sounds like he's going to need it. By the killer's own admission, though, no one really knew him. And his duplicity had been going on for years. I hope your husband finds peace soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Sociopaths can fool just about anyone. Your dh shouldn't feel responsible, but I know that's easier for me to say than it is for a leader to let go of that responsibility. If he calls military one source, then he can arrange for ten counseling sessions with a military family life consultant just to deal with this one issue. Those counselors will meet with you anonymously, if would feel more comfortable with that for *this specific* issue. They will also meet you in any public place. That can be a lot easier than making an office appointment. 866-966-1020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0mmaBuck Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 DH does see a counselor for PTSD issues (he was in the 82nd Airborne company that was hit with mustard and saran gas and also had close combat during the 1st Gulf War) and I suggested he make another appointment (he usually only goes once every few months) to talk with her about Keyes. It's so surreal. I mean, we had the kid at our house for holidays. We would go out for dinner with the guys on occasion. He seemed.... normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0mmaBuck Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Sociopaths can fool just about anyone. Your dh shouldn't feel responsible, but I know that's easier for me to say than it is for a leader to let go of that responsibility. If he calls military one source, then he can arrange for ten counseling sessions with a military family life consultant just to deal with this one issue. Those counselors will meet with you anonymously, if would feel more comfortable with that for *this specific* issue. They will also meet you in any public place. That can be a lot easier than making an office appointment. 866-966-1020 Thank you! I had no idea that this was available! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 DH does see a counselor for PTSD issues (he was in the 82nd Airborne company that was hit with mustard and saran gas and also had close combat during the 1st Gulf War) and I suggested he make another appointment (he usually only goes once every few months) to talk with her about Keyes. It's so surreal. I mean, we had the kid at our house for holidays. We would go out for dinner with the guys on occasion. He seemed.... normal. I suggested the MFLC route because you can often see someone the same day instead of waiting for an appointment (especially if he's going through the VA or something). Hopefully, there will be a counselor in your area who can do this. I'm not sure how available they are in non-military areas, but I know that they have some assigned to National Guard units, so there *should* be *something*. Sociopaths are very good actors. I can see how that would be extremely disconcerting. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 It's so surreal. I mean, we had the kid at our house for holidays. We would go out for dinner with the guys on occasion. He seemed.... normal. FWIW, if he didn't seem normal, he probably wouldn't have become a particularly successful serial killer. That's how they manage to get away with their crimes for so many years. And that's a very important thing for your dh to consider. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Please have him contact a Military Chaplin. Dh says they may refer him from there but to start with the Chaplin. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 No additional advice -- just get him to his counselor and get him there as frequently as necessary. Also, don't be afraid to be tough with him and shove his butt through the counselor's door if his behaviour starts getting verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abusive towards you or the kids. Extreme situations like your dh experienced can produce aberrant behaviours in men who you would never guess. The key is to make sure he gets the professional support he needs. That is what they are there for. My mom went through something very similar with my dad in the early 70's. A lot of guilt over something that wasn't really within his control. It changes a person. Take advantage of every support the military offers. Make him go if you have to. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Praying for you husband. Do have him contact his priest or military chaplain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 What a devastating situation for all involved. Your dh will benefit from talking about his thoughts and feelings - to a professional counselor, to you, to friends, to pastoral counselors...really any trusted person who will listen. An important part of discharging the emotional weight of a trauma is talking about it, sometimes repetitively. It helps desensitize the person to the shock and trauma of the experience and makes it a more emotionally manageable one in time. It does sound like your dh has access to support, and he is wise to use it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through this. FWIW, if he didn't seem normal, he probably wouldn't have become a particularly successful serial killer. That's how they manage to get away with their crimes for so many years. And that's a very important thing for your dh to consider. This. Totally. You guys didn't pick up on him being a sociopath because that's how sociopaths work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Please have him contact a Military Chaplin. Dh says they may refer him from there but to start with the Chaplin. :grouphug: I would only contact a chaplain if you do not have an available MFLC in your area. Referrals take time. You don't need a referral to get counseling with a MFLC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I have no advice but I just want to say how much my family and I appreciate the sacrifice your family and other military families make for our freedom. I'm saddened when I hear the stress and strain so many ilitary families have and continue to go through. I know it's no consolation but I felt the need to share. God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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