Challenging Teen DD

[Impish]

There's a quote from a comedian that says, "When they were little, I took my kids to the park, and we played on the slides. Now that they're teens, we ride the mood swings."

 

That about sums up Diva these days.

 

She can go from being a snarling, snarky, obnoxious beast to being lovely in about 6.2 seconds...w/no rhyme or reason...and then flip back again.

 

I had a long talk w/her this eve, explaining that it's my job as her parent to equip her w/the skills to be a functioning, healthy, successful adult. *That's* why when she's rude, disrespectful and treating ppl badly in our family, I'm on her about it. B/c that sort of thing as an adult will cost her, badly.

 

I talked w/her about how she presents herself does not = who she actually is. And how her words and tone effect how ppl react to her, respond to her, etc.

 

It seemed to get through. We had a genuine conversation, and she seemed to be really taking in what I was saying.

 

Then, 10 mins later, she was having a minor hissy, nobody wants her to ever have any fun, b/c I held my ground and didn't rescind the 'no Once Upon A Time tonight' grounding.

 

I told Wolf, parenting a teen is like playing Snakes and Ladders. You *think* you're climbing up to a new level, advancing...and WHAM! w/out notice, you're back at the beginning again, wondering wth just happened.

 

I love her. I want to do the best I can for her. I'm just feeling like I'm tap dancing my way through a mine field while blindfolded and balancing a bottle of nitro on the point of a sword.

[PollyOR]

There's a quote from a comedian that says, "When they were little, I took my kids to the park, and we played on the slides. Now that they're teens, we ride the mood swings."

 

That about sums up Diva these days.

 

She can go from being a snarling, snarky, obnoxious beast to being lovely in about 6.2 seconds...w/no rhyme or reason...and then flip back again.

 

I had a long talk w/her this eve, explaining that it's my job as her parent to equip her w/the skills to be a functioning, healthy, successful adult. *That's* why when she's rude, disrespectful and treating ppl badly in our family, I'm on her about it. B/c that sort of thing as an adult will cost her, badly.

 

I talked w/her about how she presents herself does not = who she actually is. And how her words and tone effect how ppl react to her, respond to her, etc.

 

It seemed to get through. We had a genuine conversation, and she seemed to be really taking in what I was saying.

 

Then, 10 mins later, she was having a minor hissy, nobody wants her to ever have any fun, b/c I held my ground and didn't rescind the 'no Once Upon A Time tonight' grounding.

 

I told Wolf, parenting a teen is like playing Snakes and Ladders. You *think* you're climbing up to a new level, advancing...and WHAM! w/out notice, you're back at the beginning again, wondering wth just happened.

 

I love her. I want to do the best I can for her. I'm just feeling like I'm tap dancing my way through a mine field while blindfolded and balancing a bottle of nitro on the point of a sword.

 

Can't tell you how many times I had that conversation with the oldest. Nothing changed until she moved out. Her sisters didn't know what to make of her when she was suddenly nice.

 

I've been having the same success with now 17yo. sigh.

 

Hopefully you'll get through to your teen before she moves out. Best of luck!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I hear ya, Imp.

[Impish]

I'm honestly frightened.

 

I mean...my mother is a freaking cautionary tale. I didn't know any friend's moms well enough to have them as an example. The women I know now have kids the same ages.

 

I don't know WHAT I'm doing.

 

I know NOT to be abusive, NOT to physically hurt my kids, not to purposefully inflict emotional trauma and smirk about it...but simply *not* being evil and rotten and abusive isn't enough, kwim? I've read books after books after books. And feel like I'm screwing up w/her. I want so much for her and I to have a good relationship, and have no freaking clue how to go about that at all.

[AmyontheFarm]

We've walked one through the fire storm, couldn't catch our breath before dd#2 started up. You will live through this, they will live through this. For some reason it helped to imagine their brain cells were miss firing and it was my job to keep retraining their brain. Once I figured out that if I kept my emotions out of the mix, it was easier to not take their moods personally. Also, for some reason I could make a statement 5 times, but Daddy had to just speak once and they got it. I took to reaching for the phone and calling him in from the fields to talk to his girls. It made everything easier.

 

The funny thing now is dd#1 sees what #2 is doing and comes and gives me a hug and says she is sorry for what she put me through.

[PentecostalMom]

I love her. I want to do the best I can for her. I'm just feeling like I'm tap dancing my way through a mine field while blindfolded and balancing a bottle of nitro on the point of a sword.

 

 

You sort of are. I understand about not having a good example and feeling like you are failing. These next few years are going to be difficult but you can do it! I thought I'd never have a good relationship with two older dc and now things are good. Sometimes ds still is snippy with me but I just "smile and wave".

 

We've walked one through the fire storm, couldn't catch our breath before dd#2 started up. You will live through this, they will live through this. For some reason it helped to imagine their brain cells were miss firing and it was my job to keep retraining their brain. Once I figured out that if I kept my emotions out of the mix, it was easier to not take their moods personally. Also, for some reason I could make a statement 5 times, but Daddy had to just speak once and they got it. I took to reaching for the phone and calling him in from the fields to talk to his girls. It made everything easier.

 

The funny thing now is dd#1 sees what #2 is doing and comes and gives me a hug and says she is sorry for what she put me through.

 

 

The part about removing your emotions is so true!! My older dc are one year and two days apart and sometimes they tell me how annoying the other one is, lol. The truth is they are so much alike that they sometimes cannot stand to be around the other! I am hoping this will change with age.

[GWOB]

Imp, I am right there with you!!! My oldest is only 12. She is a genuinely spectacular kid-kind, caring, and helpful. These mood swings? God help me! Just tonight I had a talk with her about choosing her reactions to certain situations. She likes to blame her siblings for her irrational actions. The 5yo kicking her warrants a punch in the face in her mind. :/. I know it's hormonal. I know she is dealing the best way she can. Still, I wonder how I will get through her teen years without massive quantities of Prozac/Valium (for either one of us). And this is my easy child!!! How will I deal with a sensitive, hormonal boy? How on earth will I deal when my divalicious 5yo gets all hormonal? I know people survive puberty in their children, but right now I'm thinking all those stories of people surviving teens are just myths.

[cindergretta]

My oldest daughter went through puberty rather early. :( It was a nightmare and I was scared spitless she and I would end up like my mother and me - no relationship. But over the last couple of years, she has grown and matured SO much and now she is basically my buddy. I can count on her like no other and we just enjoy doing things together, whatever it is.

 

IOW, it does pass. And the reason my mother and I have no relationship is actually because she was extremely abusive and dysfunctional. :( (Still is.) Dd and I fought and bashed heads more times than I can possibly count or remember. There were tears ALL over the place, for probably 2 years. But it was *normal.* There was no abuse or dysfunction. There was honesty and emotion and talking and yelling and crying, but no belittling or demeaning or shredding or humiliating or... I could go on...

 

Keep it real and hang on for dear life. (((hugs))) "This, too, shall pass...." ;)

[tex-mex]

OOoooooh boy, I feel your pain. Got a 17 yr old and I'm menopausal. Eeeee. :laugh:

[Annabel Lee]

I'm honestly frightened.

 

I mean...my mother is a freaking cautionary tale. I didn't know any friend's moms well enough to have them as an example. The women I know now have kids the same ages.

 

I don't know WHAT I'm doing.

 

I know NOT to be abusive, NOT to physically hurt my kids, not to purposefully inflict emotional trauma and smirk about it...but simply *not* being evil and rotten and abusive isn't enough, kwim? I've read books after books after books. And feel like I'm screwing up w/her. I want so much for her and I to have a good relationship, and have no freaking clue how to go about that at all.

 

 

:grouphug: I'm right there with you. I don't have any good real-life examples, mentors, etc. to ask either. It's hard. We just live through it and do the best we can with what we have - there's not a lot more we can do. I've been reading since mine was about 7; she's 16 now. Still reading. You'd think I'd have figured it out. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to not take things personally (even when reasonable to do so) and what Cindergretta said about communication - all forms are OK & good, and you want to keep that door open, but never let vile meanness out of your mouth. I'm learning as I go, so I'm just talking to myself here, pretty much.

[Lolly]

Try to remember that she is reacting to hormones. She is NOT herself at those moments. Give a little grace. Smile and wave is a good motto. (Stolen from PentecostalMom) Do your very best not to project your worries about family history onto her! This will pass. It is NORMAL. So, how do you get through it? Humor sometimes works. A hug is sometimes the best bet. More one on one rarely hurts. Make sure you are treating her more as an adult than a child. (This one can do wonders to attitude.) Let her make decisions about her life if they are not life/death. Disengage whenever possible. When all else fails, remember to smile and wave. These battles are most often not monumental in life, even though they seem like they are at the time. A hormonal teen does not equal an adult who is going to act that way.

[fairfarmhand]

I'm honestly frightened.

 

I mean...my mother is a freaking cautionary tale. I didn't know any friend's moms well enough to have them as an example. The women I know now have kids the same ages.

 

I don't know WHAT I'm doing.

 

I know NOT to be abusive, NOT to physically hurt my kids, not to purposefully inflict emotional trauma and smirk about it...but simply *not* being evil and rotten and abusive isn't enough, kwim? I've read books after books after books. And feel like I'm screwing up w/her. I want so much for her and I to have a good relationship, and have no freaking clue how to go about that at all.

I totally understand. My kid is a GREAT kid. But not so much to everyone at home.

 

Mine is getting a job this week. My real estate agent friend wants her to help with filing and such one afternoon a week for several hours. My thoughts, "Hallelujah! She'll be out of the house for a whole afternoon!"

 

The scary thing is that you never know with kids that you have done a good job until it is too late to change anything.

 

I'm with you.

[J-rap]

Wow, I think you sound like a terrific mom! The talk you had with her sounded great. Can you put a little humor into it, and have a funny secret phrase between the two of you that you can say when she acts that way, as a reminder to her to change her attitude? Humor can change so many situations into something more bearable.

 

Teens are often very defensive. I had times when my children would take something I said that in no way was meant to be unkind or judgemental AT ALL, but they would take it as a put-down. I had to constantly check my words and how they might be interpreted.

When you do "advise" her, try and keep a gentle tone (I'm sure you do that). I found that just by being careful with my words and tone of voice makes SUCH a difference. By saying gently, "This is how I think others would interpret what you are doing right now..." instead of condescendingly saying "Stop acting like..." can sure make a difference.

 

Keep the communication lines open, reinforce all the good things in her often, be honest and humble (don't always act like you know everything, even if you do :)). Take time out with her just to ask questions about her life and interests, and listen.

 

Anyway, those are some things I have found helpful. :)

 

I think you are doing a great job. She won't change overnight! But keep at it; you are laying a good path for her.

[Sunshine State Sue]

My favorite teen parenting book is Get Out of My Life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf. This sentence comforts me:

Yet if parents want to know what their children are really like, if they want to get a sense of who their children will become as adults, the more accurate gauge is behavior away from home.

How does your dd behave away from home?

[Impish]

Away from home, she's delightful for the most part. Other adults think she's wonderful.

 

Her interactions w/peers...that gets difficult. She can be very sarcastic, very aggressive in her approach at times. I talked to her about that last night, telling her I recognize that she's doing that from a place of feeling shy, uncomfortable, vulnerable, afraid, so she puts on this act. I explained the reason I knew was that *I* did the same thing at her age.

 

I talked to her about changing her approach. Not *who* she is, but the way she approached new relationships. Pointed out that she's *not* who she's representing herself to be in those situations, and it's doing her a disservice.

 

Honestly, we talk a fair bit, really.

 

But, 10 mins later, the world is out to get her, we don't want her to have any fun, etc. Getting her to realize her responsibility in situations is so hard, b/c she'll insist she's the innocent martyr victim, whereas the reality of it is, she pushes, and argues, and back talks, and snipes and snarks, and even when repeatedly told to stop, enough, she's ticking ppl off, she keeps going until someone gets angry, then it's "You're ALWAYS mad at me!"

 

Who's got Valium?

[dbmamaz]

see, i had no idea moms were supposed to coach daughters in how to be more socially acceptable. I was a big aspergery and my mom is a bit of a sociopath. My daughter started being horrid to me at 11, when i'd remarried and had a baby, and i just kept giving her more space. it got worse and worse and she was in therapy and came swinging at me . . . wasnt until she was 17 that she finally said she felt abandoned when i gave her space? She moved out at 18 for 7 mo and is at home again . . . well, actually in the hospital. She spends an awful lot of time telling me what a bad mom I am and i have no idea any more. she is 20 and i'm just starting to figure out how to give her positive feedback on her negative behavior. Like 2 weeks ago when, after a really rough conversation, I said "It would be a lot easier if you asked for a hug instead of telling me to kill myself." I dont think she's typical tho . . we have bipolar in the family . . .