s/o teA thread

[ereks mom]

I think people's appetites are just different. Unfortunately for my always-hungry dh, I am very rarely hungry, and I think it's been that way throughout our marriage, except maybe the first year or so.

 

After that, I was busy and stressed because of work (I was a PS teacher for a few years), and later when kids came along, that added to my busy-ness. I still feel like I never have any time for ME.

 

I can't turn off the million things running through my head, tune out the noises of the kids if they're up, or go from "mom" to "there" in sixty seconds. My life is so wrapped up in children right now...]

even though mine are older, I'm still busy with them--my dd in particular--

...that it's hard for me to get in a brewing state of mind. Moments to myself are so rare that they are about ME relaxing and having to attend to yet another person's needs is sometimes annoying.

 

Yes, I tend to get resentful towards dh because I feel like he's just one more thing that needs my attention, when I just want to have some time for ME, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and all of that does NOTHING to heighten the mood. :tongue_smilie:

 

I need quite a bit of planning to be in the mood. I cannot go from being fried from the entire day to jumping in to it.

...

 

At times, I actually find myself feeling manipulated by the "transitional time" that some have suggested. More planning isn't the answer for me because when intimate time is planned in advance, it makes me feel like it's just one more thing added to my already too long to-do list, not the pleasurable intimate experience it should be. Not to mention that when it's planned and the time comes, whether I'm in the mood or not, I have to because I said I would. That stresses me to no end.

 

We have talked about it to a great extent and I have told DH I am totally fine if he gets an urge and needs a quick and quiet thing.

 

Same here. And he's okay with that some of the time, but he understandably wants some "real", lingering intimate time.

[justamouse]

I definitely think it's worth looking into with a Dr. I'm 38 and my husband is wondering what happened to me, because I'm much more into it now at this age then I was 5-10 years ago. DH and I talk about this because there was a time between oldest ds and dd where I could have lived without it ever. Turns out it was mostly to do with the birth control I was on. I've now been off of birth control completely for 7 years because dh had a vasectomy, and it seems that since then my libido has grown steadily.

 

I've also gotten to the point that I'm not that worried about the kids, maybe it's because my kids are getting to the age where they've had "the talk" with us.

 

 

SO True! I've not used the Pill since I was in my early 20s. That could very well be a reason for some.

[justamouse]

At times, I actually find myself feeling manipulated by the "transitional time" that some have suggested. More planning isn't the answer for me because when intimate time is planned in advance, it makes me feel like it's just one more thing added to my already too long to-do list, not the pleasurable intimate experience it should be. Not to mention that when it's planned and the time comes, whether I'm in the mood or not, I have to because I said I would. That stresses me to no end.

.

 

Then you need to reframe the way you respond to transitional time.

 

Is it emotional manipulation when a person gets in their car after work and enjoys the radio as they drive home? OR how about Dad walking in the door, going through the mail, and then getting changed? That is a transitional tool. Or, how about only listening to talk radio on the WAY to work? That's another transitional tool.

 

It is manipulation to have a cup of coffee in the morning while you read the paper? Transitional tool.

 

Think through your day and you'd be surprised how much you already use them, you just don't realize it. And you've set them up for yourself, without even thinking about it. And, many of them ARE for pleasure. I love my morning and afternoon coffee. I ease into my day with the morning cup,and with the afternoon cup, I take a break, and get myself ready for making dinner and the evening. Totally pleasurable.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I started taking New Chapter brand zinc every night in June to help my skin. I don't know if it helped with that, but it did start to help my interest. After about a week, I noticed I was starting to actually want teA myself, instead of always just going along with it.

 

This lasted for about a month, until I started having thyroid and fatigue issues again. Interest in teA is always the first to go when I start having health issues and the last to come back when I start to feel better.

 

While my interest is currently back down to zero, at least I know that when I feel well and take zinc, I am still attracted to DH. I had spent years wondering if maybe I wasn't attracted to him anymore, which is discouraging to think about in your 20s. Now I have hope that someday I will feel better again and the zinc will help once more.

[Mandy in TN]

There really isn't a way to make that happen more than once a year. Which IS what we do about once a year.

I don't feel like it's a major problem. I do the best I can. I just wish I wanted to do it. I just don't really want to and I can't imagine anything that would make me want to. Sometimes it's just another chore on my list of chores.

I just had to stare at this one for a little while.

Is your dh alright with this? If so, then that is all that matters. All couples are different and totally ignore the following comments.

If he is not alright with this, read what you wrote. Did I understand correctly? TeA is a once a year chore. Do you only mop the floors once a year? Mow the yard once a year? Wash the laundry once a year? Perhaps, you need to reconsider teA's ranking on your chore list.

Once a year is the best you can do? If dh held out on me for that long, outside of medical problems, I don't know that I would leave although maybe I would, I don't know that I would call him dh- maybe roommate? Flabbergasted... Stuttering... Explaining, understand that for me a large part of the privilege and delight in being married is that he is mine physically. This doesn't mean I think it should be this way for everyone and, as I said, if your dh is fine with this arrangement, then that is all that matters.

Mandy

[SailorMom]

I'm on Wellbutrin. I had no idea just how stressed out/depressed/anxious, etc., I was until about 3 months after starting to take it. I realized that I had been very down, I have OCD - and the "o" part was really bad, I couldn't stop thinking about EVERYTHING.....

It was impossible for me to really get into TeA more than about once a week or so.... and even then - I was never really connected.

Once the anxiety/depression/and OCD were controlled - a whole new TeA life began for me :) Once I could actually be "present" when I was with DH - I could see that for him it was far more than just a physical act. For him - and now for me - there was a real emotional connection being made.

I'm not saying that everyone who lacks interest in TeA should go pop a pill as if lack of interest is an illness. It isn't. I think it's perfectly normal to have seasons in life where there is just too much going on....

But for me - I look back and wish I had figured myself out a lot sooner. TeA was only part of the whole picture - but it's a great part, and I'm so glad DH and I are on the same page now :)

Some of the people on here are getting very defensive and seem angry at those of us who had that problem and worked hard to fix it. As if it isn't a worthy priority and that love and marriage should not depend so much on TeA. I read one of the comments about monogamy and that we are made to feel guilty for providing for our husbands needs.

But - there is problem in that ENTIRE mindset. And until that is addressed - the resentfulness, the anger at society's ideas about it, the anger that anyone thinks that it is a problem at all or that it needs fixed.... Well - the whole point of TeA in a marriage is lost anyway, IMHO. In a way anyway. It shouldn't be about duty, or meeting your Dh's needs - it should be about the two of you connecting on a very intimate level, and that cannot be done until the underlying emotions mentioned above are dealt with.

I understand it completely because I was there - for a long time - and now that I'm past it, I really wish I had done something about it sooner. I am not writing this to hurt or anger anyone - but it's the truth for me.

[TranquilMind]

What if you are in your mid-thirties and you find that you just don't enjoy teA much anymore, even though you wish you did? What if your dh still really loves teA and it is causing him to feel bad because he'd really like to enjoy a cuppa teA with his wife on a regular basis?

 

Is it normal to just stop liking teA (not suddenly...more like slowly over time)?

 

Not in your thirties. There is something going on. Maybe your thyroid is not working well. Maybe you have little kids and are not sleeping well. Maybe you just got in the habit of not engaging often so you don't really want to do it often. Maybe you are subconsciously annoyed at him for some reason. It could be any number of things. Not sleeping well enough is a distinct possibility.

 

It's really true that any appetite you feed will grow stronger, and any appetite you starve will weaken.

[marbel]

This is a huge issue of mine. A woman's boiling point is still looked at as icing in the cake, an extra goodie if you can get it but if not, well, sorry. You can still get pregnant so you're okay!!

 

If a woman desires tea and the kettle just. won't. boil., there is an issue. "Give it time" is a cr@ppy answer. A man can't boil so they invent a little blue pill and make sure insurance will pay for it. It is so mysogynistic.

 

What is misogynistic? It's in men's best interest to have women interested in teA, yes? So if there was a similar simple fix, I think men would be all for it!

 

Well, men have a pretty straight forward system. Getting it up is 9/10 of the battle. Tell me ONE THING that ALL women need to have an orgasm. One problem that by taking a pill to correct that one thing, 9/10 of our work would be over.

 

We have a more complex system, with many women needing different things. The solutions will reflect that complexity.

 

:iagree: When I talked to my doctor, I wasn't told "give it time." I was told about hormone therapies and the pros and cons thereof. For me there were more cons, so I didn't go there. So we talked about general health, exercise, rest, communication, lubrication, attitude... all the things I have some control over since I can't control my hormones.

 

I think women's health issues get plenty of attention. Some things just can't be fixed with a pill.

 

It wasn't easy and it wasn't a quick fix. But we're at a good place now. My drive is and always has been less. We compromise. Neither is perfectly happy but neither is unhappy either. Just like in most areas of life, I think. Or maybe I should say in my experience.

Edited September 14, 2012 by marbel

[justLisa]

What is so special about the 30s though that makes it abnormal? Just wondering.

 

Well long ago people didn't live to be one hundred so maybe it's relative.

 

People used to be much older, younger.

 

I dunno, my thyroid is fine, my health is good, my mental health is good, I exercise, I am best buds with my DH...I'm just defective, that's all.

[TranquilMind]

This is a sore spot with me. I get it intellectually, but the advice to just do it anyway is just repugnant to me. Perhaps it comes from having been raped and used by men, but the thought of having to to do it even when I don't want it just because someone else "needs" to put his pen!s in me to feel love would make me angry and even less likely to want to do it.

 

I gotta agree here. She shouldn't just grit her teeth and do it anyway. He should make her want to! Take those kids out. Give her some free time. Do really sweet things. That makes him more attractive.

 

Just some thoughts. Maybe he is doing all that anyway, but if not, it can't hurt.

[TranquilMind]

What about occasionally just taking a couple of bites of the chocolate cake? It might taste better than you remembered. ;)

[TranquilMind]

Really if my husband wants to turn me on, he could do the dishes or put the kids to bed. He doesn't so I only have so much energy. And that probably speaks volumes right there...

 

That's it, right there.

 

This is on your husband. If he wants to be happy, he needs to lay down his life for YOU to be happy. If he does that, it's coming back to him in spades.

[marbel]

But see, it's not that I'm unhappy about my husband's performance or that he is selfish or that he doesn't make it about me and what I want. Thing is I can't even get to the point of desiring/wanting any of it. So it's not like he isn't doing it right or the way I'd want. It's not like that at all. It's just that I'd rather sleep because I'm exhausted.

 

Really if my husband wants to turn me on, he could do the dishes or put the kids to bed. He doesn't so I only have so much energy. And that probably speaks volumes right there...

 

Have you talked to him about it? I mean really sat down, when you're alone and can concentrate, and not in the middle of him trying to get you interested, and talked it out?

 

Sounds like your husband is a good guy. Maybe he just doesn't see it. Not to be insulting but men can be obtuse about relationships. Is he an engineer type? Maybe he just really needs to be told and shown.

[Moxie]

What is misogynistic? It's in men's best interest to have women interested in teA, yes? So if there was a similar simple fix, I think men would be all for it!

 

 

 

There are multiple women on this board saying that they have gone to their doctor and gotten a pat on the back and a "sorry about your luck". Men don't have that problem. And, I know women are more complicated then men. But, we have a million and a half ways to help someone get pregnant. They have figured that out. The inability of a woman to O is not seen as a medical issue. Heck, on this thread, women are being told to "fake it till you make it" or "just stick a toe in the water, you might like it" (not picking on the women who posted that, I promise). Sometimes it is a lack of time or sleep but when it isn't, there really is very little help out there.

[TranquilMind]

You don't want to hear my one and only encounter with a S therapist :lol:

 

It was horrifying.

 

Oh yes, we DO! It sounds entertaining. You can change the details, of course. I can't even imagine discussing this with an outsider....:lol:

 

I'm enjoying this thread for comments like this.

[Julie Smith]

You don't want to hear my one and only encounter with a S therapist :lol:

 

It was horrifying.

 

Yes, yes we do.

 

:)

[LBC]

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis is a very helpful read.

[Julie Smith]

no...you don't

 

(where is the throw up smiley)

 

Okay, I do want to hear about it if it's not embarssing to you. More of a "My therapist is a nut" story.

 

One therapist I saw (not related to TeA) was a nut. She talked about relaxing and picturing a giant dinosaur stomping on your problems. :001_huh:

[justLisa]

no...you don't

 

(where is the throw up smiley)

 

 

Yeah, you don't. You'd need more than a barfing smile. And no I did not attend a "meeting" though I was asked by someone completely unrelated to my life.

 

My only knowledge of a S therapist was this one from years ago, and they are literally "hands on therapists."

 

I am surprised no one has found SOMETHING. I mean there is an herb or supplement for everything in the world.

[dirty ethel rackham]

It's not abnormal, (it's not like it's deviant, which would be abnormal) no sex drive is not a well functioning body.

 

<snip>

A woman *should* want to have sex. She should have a sex drive, otherwise the population ...well, after billions of years we're HERE, right?

 

 

But, a woman at the end of her reproductive years doesn't have a biological imperative for sex. So, it absolutely makes sense that her drive would wane. Why is this be considered abnormal? I, too, should have ignored this thread because they do make me feel inferior. I simply don't have desire. The more he asks, the less I want it.

 

Some of it is due to may stage in life, some if it is due to damage during childbirth that is not fixable (had 2 surgeries that didn't do what was promised so I am not going to risk making things less functional than they were before.) Much of it is a relationship issue - nothing in my life that makes me feel attractive, desirable, or even important. I've tried work on my end to change this but I can't do it alone. But, if he wants a more willing partner, he needs to work on the factors outside the bedroom. He isn't willing. Nothing more to add there. Now, these things might fall under the "abnormal" category for some people, but I think these are way more normal than our sex-crazed society will admit. Where did all those "frigid wife" jokes come from in the first place?

[Moxie]

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis is a very helpful read.

 

I'm not picking on you, I promise. But this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about. If you have a medical issue that doctors won't address, this kind of book isn't going to help. It is just going to add to the "I'm broken/inferior/frigid" notion.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I have trouble enjoying teA at the end of the day. My mind won't shut off. It goes a little better if we try in the morning, as long as I've had enough sleep and the kids don't keep pestering us until we get up (very rare). The stress of the day (especially dealing with my oldest) really destroys my interest, especially since I am an introvert.

 

Women seem to have a much harder time "compartmentalizing" the stresses of the day to concentrate on teA than men. I can't think of a time when DH was ever "too stressed" to be interested. I think he would need to have the flu before he would lose interest.

[ocelotmom]

This is a huge issue of mine. A woman's boiling point is still looked at as icing in the cake, an extra goodie if you can get it but if not, well, sorry. You can still get pregnant so you're okay!!

 

If a woman desires tea and the kettle just. won't. boil., there is an issue. "Give it time" is a cr@ppy answer. A man can't boil so they invent a little blue pill and make sure insurance will pay for it. It is so mysogynistic.

 

And it's can be very hard for people who need it for the purpose it was actually originally intended for (pulmonary hypertension - in other words, treatment of a life-threatening condition) to get their insurance to cover because of the alternate uses :(

 

I have heard that the drug whose name starts with V does help women as well (this is "I think I heard it somewhere online", not "I think I heard it in nursing school", btw).

 

Ok, another TMI moment, but here is something interesting... When I was pregnant I wanted tea all the time. I mean all.the.time. So maybe my hormones are nutso.

I know that for me, it's definitely hormonal. Birth control and breastfeeding decrease my libido. Ovulation and pregnancy make it go nutso. This makes NFP a little difficult.

 

It's like a switch gets flipped. When I don't want it, I *really* don't want it, and can't imagine wanting it, and no amount of "just taste a little" is going to help. But then when I do want it, that seems perfectly natural too.

 

I think DH has learned to not take it personally thanks to the times when I am into it. Which doesn't mean he's thrilled about it, but it seems like less of an issue now than it was when DS was little.

[justLisa]

Ok here is my one encounter with the idea of a S therapist. I hope you enjoy:

 

When I was 19 I came home from classes one day to find a truck in the driveway I had not seen. I still lived at home. I walked in and my mom said "look who's here!" It was this girl I had not seen in 2 years holding a newborn. We were not even the best of friends either but I was shocked and happy to see her. Turns out she started shacking up with this guy I also knew that was like 15 years older than us. They both worked at the store I had my first job. We hung out for 2 days here and there before she told me she still had stitches still and wanted to know if there was anything I could do for her BF (I forget if they married or were engaged or what). He had booked a hotel hoping that he could spend hours doing something just for ME. Apparently they had seen a sex therapist, and it was more of a threesome with pointers. The therapist suggested they find someone they both wanted. Yay for me. I about barfed on her shoes. Really I think she was just screwed in to an unhealthy life....it's not the only weird thing they were in to. Oh and the best part was the therapist also told him he needs to find something that would make him as big and hard as he could imagine. And doing THAT to ME was what he decided. BARF. It haunts me to this day. And this was back when I was still pretty sheltered living in a very conservative Christian smaller town.

 

I get there are all kinds but I am just going my own opinion that THIS is far more abnormal that me not wanting to do it all day long.

 

I am going to go vomit up my brussell sprouts and eggs now.

 

ETA: I'm sure there are legitimate professionals. But it seems there are some that are clearly NOT

Edited September 14, 2012 by 425lisamarie

[TranquilMind]

Well, men have a pretty straight forward system. Getting it up is 9/10 of the battle. Tell me ONE THING that ALL women need to have an orgasm. One problem that by taking a pill to correct that one thing, 9/10 of our work would be over.

 

 

This is for that particular woman's husband to figure out.

[SailorMom]

But, a woman at the end of her reproductive years doesn't have a biological imperative for sex. So, it absolutely makes sense that her drive would wane. Why is this be considered abnormal? I, too, should have ignored this thread because they do make me feel inferior. I simply don't have desire. The more he asks, the less I want it.

 

Some of it is due to may stage in life, some if it is due to damage during childbirth that is not fixable (had 2 surgeries that didn't do what was promised so I am not going to risk making things less functional than they were before.) Much of it is a relationship issue - nothing in my life that makes me feel attractive, desirable, or even important. I've tried work on my end to change this but I can't do it alone. But, if he wants a more willing partner, he needs to work on the factors outside the bedroom. He isn't willing. Nothing more to add there. Now, these things might fall under the "abnormal" category for some people, but I think these are way more normal than our sex-crazed society will admit. Where did all those "frigid wife" jokes come from in the first place?

 

First - :grouphug:

 

But this kinda goes right back to the whole "it's 99% mental" thing (I have no idea if there is a real percentage and I don't claim to know if it's accurate). Yes - you certainly have legitimate physical issues that should not be ignored. But - most of what you wrote has to do with self-image and your relationship - not about age or our biological imperatives.

 

Also - I have really only seen one poster really say anything insensitive. I don't think any of us think it's really abnormal or - as one person snarkily quipped about themselves - defective. But - there are - in many cases - ways to increase libido if one so desires.

 

Not directed at the person I quoted, but just in general, I see a lot of resentment at husbands who want more TeA. I think that because many women do not value the physical aspect of a relationship as much as men, they believe that the man's interest is therefore not important. Here's one way of thinking about it... My DH doesn't understand sending flowers to make me happy. They die quickly and are very expensive. But he still sends them to me because he knows they make me happy. He doesn't understand why I like chocolate, or have to have my coffee before I can talk to him, or why I enjoy sewing and spending a ton of money on fabric. But he likes all of that and supports me because he knows all of it makes me happy.

 

Just because it's TeA and not flowers or a hobby doesn't make TeA any less valid.

 

Marriage is not a competition. No one should keep score, or try to best the other person at whatever... Who wants what in the physical part of a relationship isn't even that important. The important part, in my life and experience, is that I want to make my husband happy. I really do. I wouldn't do anything immoral or wrong to do that - but within my means I like to see him happy - and I like to be the one who makes him smile. He tries even harder to make me happy. But - we don't keep score. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do what is needed, and sometimes he doesn't. But it all evens out.

 

It's absolutely a two way street, but it has to start somewhere. Obviously there are relationships where this is just not possible, or at least not going to happen anytime soon, and I get that. We've had entire years that I look back on and wonder how we ever survived.

[SailorMom]

I have trouble enjoying teA at the end of the day. My mind won't shut off. It goes a little better if we try in the morning, as long as I've had enough sleep and the kids don't keep pestering us until we get up (very rare). The stress of the day (especially dealing with my oldest) really destroys my interest, especially since I am an introvert.

 

Women seem to have a much harder time "compartmentalizing" the stresses of the day to concentrate on teA than men. I can't think of a time when DH was ever "too stressed" to be interested. I think he would need to have the flu before he would lose interest.

 

:iagree:

Absolutely. This was my biggest problem. I could not turn off my brain and concentrate on us.

[TranquilMind]

What is so special about the 30s though that makes it abnormal? Just wondering.

 

Well, this is generally the decade when the female drive is the strongest (absent the very young kid stage). And maybe early to mid 40's.

 

All those jokes about cougars, like all jokes, have a grain of truth.

[TranquilMind]

no...you don't

 

(where is the throw up smiley)

 

 

Please? This might be the most fun we have all day....:tongue_smilie:

[TranquilMind]

Ah ok. When my mother was my age I was 19 years old. My youngest is 7. Seven isn't little little kid, but it's definitely not 19.

 

When I was your age, I had an 18 month old and a 3 year old. Old, old Momma.

[justLisa]

Please? This might be the most fun we have all day....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

Look back a page. I posted it. I mean it's horrifying and I wasn't about to post it publicly but I guess why not.

 

You can laugh about it just so long as I get sympathy.

[TranquilMind]

Nothin fun about it unless one is into that sort of thing. She did post it.

Oh, my apologies. Distracted here, doing science projects! Well, I'm just boiling eggs...son is working on some project.

[TranquilMind]

Okay, I do want to hear about it if it's not embarssing to you. More of a "My therapist is a nut" story.

 

One therapist I saw (not related to TeA) was a nut. She talked about relaxing and picturing a giant dinosaur stomping on your problems. :001_huh:

 

LOL. That is hilarious!

[marbel]

Yes I have told him. And he would be great about it for awhile. But as I said, I can't really ask him to do more. And I can't really do more either. We are both just fried. We don't get a lot of breaks.

 

I'm here spending too much time on this message board because it's basically the only me/escape time I have.

 

But I don't get how he can be fried beyond repair and have tea at the drop of a hat, but I can't do that. I swear men could wake up from a coma for tea. :lol:

 

I see what you mean. It is hard when there is no time for breaks. :grouphug: It is so hard when everyone is exhausted and at the end of their energy.

 

But yeah, men and women can be very different that way. TeA can be tiring for me, but energizing for him.

 

Some things don't have easy answers. :grouphug: I don't know how old your kids are, other than that one is seven. I know things changed a lot for me (in a good way) as our kids got older. I hope the same for you, and sooner rather than later!

[ocelotmom]

Just because it's TeA and not flowers or a hobby doesn't make TeA any less valid

Except that TeA can be physically and/or emotionally uncomfortable or painful when you're not into it, while chocolate and flowers (assuming you're not broke) isn't.

 

It's not the same thing.

 

That's not to say that the desire for TeA is invalid... but it doesn't trump someone else's bodily autonomy.

[TranquilMind]

dirty ethel rackham: But, a woman at the end of her reproductive years doesn't have a biological imperative for sex. So, it absolutely makes sense that her drive would wane. Why is this be considered abnormal? I, too, should have ignored this thread because they do make me feel inferior. I simply don't have desire. The more he asks, the less I want it.

 

True enough, about the biological imperative. I'm sorry.

 

Some of it is due to may stage in life, some if it is due to damage during childbirth that is not fixable (had 2 surgeries that didn't do what was promised so I am not going to risk making things less functional than they were before.)

 

That's horrible. I'm really sorry.

 

 

But, if he wants a more willing partner, he needs to work on the factors outside the bedroom. He isn't willing. Nothing more to add there.

 

That's it, in a nutshell. All men should know that what they are getting is often proportional to what they put into the relationship, especially in this area, where women are so different and it is all so mental.

[DarlaS]

Yeah it's so weird. It's like my husband could have tea if he is mad, sad, glad, freaked, happy, mentally deranged, past the breaking point, or whatever. Me? Nope.

 

 

They can also fall asleep instantly. No matter what. If I ever have any "envy" of anything a man can do, it has nothing to do with his anatomy. It's that sleep thing.

[LBC]

I'm not picking on you, I promise. But this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about. If you have a medical issue that doctors won't address, this kind of book isn't going to help. It is just going to add to the "I'm broken/inferior/frigid" notion.

 

No offense taken.

It's been a year since I read it, so I'm trying to remember if this is the case. I think what I liked best about this book is that it "normalized" things for me and took a lot of pressure off. If I remember correctly, it did the opposite of creating an "I'm broken/inferior/frigid" notion.

 

The summary posted on my local library website includes this: "You'll learn about the physiological and psychological factors..." (bold mine), so it seems to address a broader spectrum than the review I posted may reflect.

 

It was recommended reading for a grad level Marriage and Family Counseling course I was planning to take, fwiw.

[TranquilMind]

I was afraid to wait that long, but sometimes I wish I could have.

 

I didn't intend to wait. I just happened! I think I was fearful of childbirth due to the early death of my sister (not childbirth related, but I had this view that hospitals were places of death and infection), and when a Mom of 10 at my church gave me some childbirth stuff to read about home birth, I thought, "I can do that!"

[Nestof3]

Yes, I have had thyroid issues, but I think it comes down to the difference between women and men (or perhaps me and my husband).

 

For me, the interaction and desire to do so is rooted in my emotions regarding the person. At least 95 % is, I would guess. If I am (was) crazy about the person, my desire would be elevated. In fact, I have experienced an incredibly high elevation. :lol: Nothing recent whatsoever (except for the 5% natural inclination which I attribute to hormones. But, it is very much linked to my feelings of awe and desire for the man. I think even in good marriages, these feelings are just so much less than when dating or newly married. Frankly, I miss that "If I don't have you, I will scream" feeling, but I don't think that's ever happening again.

 

My understanding is that men have more of an anatomical need (thus nocturnal incidents) -- it's been described more as a nagging need that doesn't go away until release. Sure, they experience arousal and desire too, but even despite this, the need will come forth unless there is a medical reason, aging, antidepressants, etc. to blame it on.

[Nestof3]

LOL

 

Ok, but I ask again, WHAT can be done? I did talk to a doctor about it and was basically shrugged off.

 

Mine told me this is very common, even without a condition to blame it on.

 

More on my other post. I think being more emotional or having this aspect of a relationship more related to my actual feelings about a person is different than what my dh describes. For him, it is just a need that could be escalated by the way I act or whatever, but even despite it, it's there. And, a part of it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I just happen to be his wife.

 

For me, I want to have crazy s*x with someone I am enthralled with -- think is fabulous. I would not want to have relations with some random person. I don't just have this base need and a person to use it on (for lack of a better word). I think for many men, if morality were not an issue, they would want to have relations with a random woman.

[Denisemomof4]

They can also fall asleep instantly. No matter what. If I ever have any "envy" of anything a man can do, it has nothing to do with his anatomy. It's that sleep thing.

 

YES, YES, YES!!!!! Sometimes I'm so ridiculous that I get ANGRY to see him sleeping so soundly! I fight the urge to slap his face to wake him up.:D

[DarlaS]

Okay, I do want to hear about it if it's not embarssing to you. More of a "My therapist is a nut" story.

 

One therapist I saw (not related to TeA) was a nut. She talked about relaxing and picturing a giant dinosaur stomping on your problems. :001_huh:

 

Yeah. That's relaxing! :lol:

[justLisa]

:grouphug: THat's lovely.

 

My reasoning at the time was that my mother was dying and I wanted her to have the joy of having a grand child. She really wanted one. I don't regret it. He doesn't remember her much, but I remember her with him and that's a priceless memory.

 

Ok...well that thought was a mood killer for sure. :tongue_smilie:

[Nestof3]

That's it, in a nutshell. All men should know that what they are getting is often proportional to what they put into the relationship, especially in this area, where women are so different and it is all so mental.

 

But in the beginning of a relationship, most men are giving it their all, and we as women can be like ravenous animals. :lol: Then, if we experience bitterness, reality, betrayal, pain, etc. -- despite knowing our "wifely duties" it's just another job to perform. If I can go months with no desire to kiss the man, I'm surely not going to be ravenous elsewhere.

 

Kindness, humor, intelligence, a man that felt like my best friend -- these things would still light my fire. Shemar Moore may make my eyes widen when watching him in Criminal Minds because he's just so dang hot, but I wouldn't sleep with him, nor would I want to. I cannot say my husband would feel the same about a hot woman.

[TranquilMind]

My reasoning at the time was that my mother was dying and I wanted her to have the joy of having a grand child. She really wanted one. I don't regret it. He doesn't remember her much, but I remember her with him and that's a priceless memory.

 

Ok...well that thought was a mood killer for sure. :tongue_smilie:

 

LOL Well, Mom would want you to have a great sex life!;)

 

I have a similar memory as well. My 71 year old Mom who was afraid to drive, got in her little car every day and drove to my house across town to be with my baby, so I could sleep a little.

[marbel]

There are multiple women on this board saying that they have gone to their doctor and gotten a pat on the back and a "sorry about your luck". Men don't have that problem. And, I know women are more complicated then men. But, we have a million and a half ways to help someone get pregnant. They have figured that out. The inability of a woman to O is not seen as a medical issue. Heck, on this thread, women are being told to "fake it till you make it" or "just stick a toe in the water, you might like it" (not picking on the women who posted that, I promise). Sometimes it is a lack of time or sleep but when it isn't, there really is very little help out there.

 

Doctors shouldn't be patting people on the back and saying "tough luck." I guess I am in the minority here because my doctor took it seriously, as a medical issue, but the plain fact was, there wasn't anything to do about it without hormone therapy. I guess one could call misogyny on doctors who don't take it seriously. But not in the fact that men are easier to fix. Maybe I misunderstood your comment.

[justLisa]

No, but baring things like depression or a medical condition that is not directly related that can be treated, there is nothing they can do. So unless someone suspects that for themselves, they are pretty much wasting their time going to a doctor. Some people here have said they need to talk to a doctor. It's somewhat false hope.

 

 

Well there's always the therapist that can provide a sextival.

Edited September 14, 2012 by 425lisamarie

[justamouse]

But - there is problem in that ENTIRE mindset. And until that is addressed - the resentfulness, the anger at society's ideas about it, the anger that anyone thinks that it is a problem at all or that it needs fixed.... Well - the whole point of TeA in a marriage is lost anyway, IMHO. In a way anyway. It shouldn't be about duty, or meeting your Dh's needs - it should be about the two of you connecting on a very intimate level, and that cannot be done until the underlying emotions mentioned above are dealt with.

 

I understand it completely because I was there - for a long time - and now that I'm past it, I really wish I had done something about it sooner. I am not writing this to hurt or anger anyone - but it's the truth for me.

:iagree:

 

I worked really hard to get myself to where I am, and my relationship to where it is. I threw as much energy into it as I do homeschooling, I'm not sex obsessed, I don't think about it all day, I just worked on it.

 

 

But these are solitary transitions. Nobody else needs to be stressed out because you want to listen to the radio alone in the car or have a cup of coffee. That is not really the same thing.

 

They don't have to be solitary, and I was pointing out that she thought they were manipulative, and in fact, they aren't, we use them all the time, without realizing it.

 

Ok, another TMI moment, but here is something interesting... When I was pregnant I wanted tea all the time. I mean all.the.time. So maybe my hormones are nutso.

 

Now, this is a clue. When you are pregnant, you have a lot of blood flow to that area, which makes it more sensitive.

 

First - :grouphug:

 

Also - I have really only seen one poster really say anything insensitive. I don't think any of us think it's really abnormal or - as one person snarkily quipped about themselves - defective. But - there are - in many cases - ways to increase libido if one so desires.

 

Not directed at the person I quoted, but just in general, I see a lot of resentment at husbands who want more TeA. I think that because many women do not value the physical aspect of a relationship as much as men, they believe that the man's interest is therefore not important. Here's one way of thinking about it... My DH doesn't understand sending flowers to make me happy. They die quickly and are very expensive. But he still sends them to me because he knows they make me happy. He doesn't understand why I like chocolate, or have to have my coffee before I can talk to him, or why I enjoy sewing and spending a ton of money on fabric. But he likes all of that and supports me because he knows all of it makes me happy.

 

Just because it's TeA and not flowers or a hobby doesn't make TeA any less valid.

 

Marriage is not a competition. No one should keep score, or try to best the other person at whatever... Who wants what in the physical part of a relationship isn't even that important. The important part, in my life and experience, is that I want to make my husband happy. I really do. I wouldn't do anything immoral or wrong to do that - but within my means I like to see him happy - and I like to be the one who makes him smile. He tries even harder to make me happy. But - we don't keep score. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to do what is needed, and sometimes he doesn't. But it all evens out.

 

It's absolutely a two way street, but it has to start somewhere. Obviously there are relationships where this is just not possible, or at least not going to happen anytime soon, and I get that. We've had entire years that I look back on and wonder how we ever survived.

 

You know, I agree with a lot of what you say, but I'm going to take exception to my calling something broken, broken. I do not think calling something that is not working right 'normal' to smooth feathers is a healthy way to deal with it. Normal means everything is working just fine. It's not fine, women are hurting and saying it's normal = living with scraps is OK. It's not. It's not good for them, it's not good for a marriage. That is not what marriage is about.

 

Look back a page. I posted it. I mean it's horrifying and I wasn't about to post it publicly but I guess why not.

 

You can laugh about it just so long as I get sympathy.

 

That is yucky in a gazillion different ways. Those 70's swingers, man, they were screwed up.

[Denisemomof4]

Okay, I do want to hear about it if it's not embarssing to you. More of a "My therapist is a nut" story.

 

One therapist I saw (not related to TeA) was a nut. She talked about relaxing and picturing a giant dinosaur stomping on your problems. :001_huh:

 

Were you a preschooler then?