s/o teA thread

[Scarlett]

I think it is normal to go through phases where you just aren't interested and it's also normal that those phases won't always mesh with dh's inclinations.

 

I also don't think it far to deprive dh of something you know he needs to feel affection from you. Especially as I think most women would understand being hurt if their dh said he wasn't interested in them anymore when they still felt strongly inclined.

 

Check hormones, be sure it's a phase and not a hint of a medical issue.

 

Then try to be kind to your dh. Who knows, maybe he will surprise you and sometimes you'll enjoy it more than you thought you would.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[SailorMom]

Except that TeA can be physically and/or emotionally uncomfortable or painful when you're not into it, while chocolate and flowers (assuming you're not broke) isn't.

 

It's not the same thing.

 

That's not to say that the desire for TeA is invalid... but it doesn't trump someone else's bodily autonomy.

 

 

Absolutely - I never said anyone should do anything they don't want to do, and certainly shouldn't do anything that causes them distress or pain.

 

I wasn't trying to say flowers and TeA are the same - it was just an example of them both being valid.

[Denisemomof4]

But, a woman at the end of her reproductive years doesn't have a biological imperative for sex. So, it absolutely makes sense that her drive would wane. Why is this be considered abnormal? I, too, should have ignored this thread because they do make me feel inferior. I simply don't have desire. The more he asks, the less I want it.

 

Some of it is due to may stage in life, some if it is due to damage during childbirth that is not fixable (had 2 surgeries that didn't do what was promised so I am not going to risk making things less functional than they were before.) Much of it is a relationship issue - nothing in my life that makes me feel attractive, desirable, or even important. I've tried work on my end to change this but I can't do it alone. But, if he wants a more willing partner, he needs to work on the factors outside the bedroom. He isn't willing. Nothing more to add there. Now, these things might fall under the "abnormal" category for some people, but I think these are way more normal than our sex-crazed society will admit. Where did all those "frigid wife" jokes come from in the first place?

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: i am wondering how many men who want more teA are still doting on, romancing and nurturing their wives. How many men HELP their wives? I see this as the biggest issue.

 

I know my dh adores me more than anything in the world. so many of my friends consider me lucky to have such a great guy. And he is, but he is not perfect. He is an engineer, an aspie, and a man. huge relational deficits for each of these three .............. Facts. And i too often view him as a fifth child. BUT, I do know that where I am at in my menopause cycle greatly contributes to what I am feeling. I feel bad but some days his mere presence irritates me. I can't wait to put menopause behind me! But at 49 I can say for the first time ever, I really don't care about teA at all right now. And I also wonder if this is typical after spending a quarter of a century together? Or is it menopause? Or both? But I'm not going to have chocolate cake when I'm sick to my stomach. That's not even an option.

 

Oh, and I do feel totally stressed out and tired. All these people with mental illness, medical needs, even the animals.......... Smetimes I feel like I have a million leeches sucking me dry.

[Soror]

But, a woman at the end of her reproductive years doesn't have a biological imperative for sex. So, it absolutely makes sense that her drive would wane. Why is this be considered abnormal? I, too, should have ignored this thread because they do make me feel inferior. I simpliy don't have desire. The more he asks, the less I want it.

 

 

:iagree:

Historically looking at the Jewish Religion it seems there were lots of periods of abstinence. I also know that it wasn't unheard of in early Christian/Catholic marriages for the couples to choose to abstain, for different amounts of times and sometimes completely.

 

I believe our current beliefs about sex and whatever are normal are really too simplistic. There is too much focus about having to meet certain guidelines, when there is variation for everyone.

 

I also think that there can be certain underlying issues, obviously. I don't think anyone should feel guilty about their sex life due to anyone on-line but based on whatever works with you and your own spouse.

 

I notice that my hormones are a rollercoaster here, I cannot keep up with them or figure them out but dh loves me regardless.

[Scarlett]

But sometimes our husbands would like just the opposite. I know my DH would rather have regularly scheduled "maintenance" teA than rare but "good" teA.

 

When teA is done right it is supposed to be both parties enjoying themselves and sharing something wonderful. But like *any* joint effort, it requires compromise :).

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

I feel for you ladies and your husbands who don't want tea on a regular basis. That must be stressful.

[PrincessMommy]

I'm just going to follow WendyK on this thread and say I agree. I don't think it's abnormal at all. I think we're made to feel abnormal abut it because in a monogamous society, that means men will have to "suffer." But it makes perfect sense to me, biologically speaking, that when a woman becomes less fertile as the years go by, she'll have less interest in sex. There are many women who have no physical disability but have no desire to get it on every night. To be made out to be some kind of freak because you don't want to have sex is hurtful and frustrating.

 

Totally agreeing. It's been very frustrating the mental sigma involved. Like someone said. I remember that I used to enjoy it, but now it's like another chore I have to do.

 

I'm trying to read this whole thread because it is bringing me some comfort that I'm not alone.

[PrincessMommy]

Oh I'll admit it right with you. I feel resentful. Like why is it always about what he wants, but not what I want. Why am I wrong for just not wanting it, but he is right for wanting it?

 

Not saying my husband is a jerk at all about it. He really isn't at all.

 

This... totally.

[stansclan89]

This... totally.

 

:iagree: Completely frustrating. I know a lot more women that are like OP than not. Doesn't that make it normal? The standard?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I agree with many previous posters. Get checked. It's not normal for it to go on for an extended period of time. Longer than a month would have meant me running screaming to my Dr. My dh knows that for 27 days out of every month I expect teA or something teA related. I can understand if he is not in the mood or is grieving a death or something, but if we go more than two days without.....I worry.

[TranquilMind]

My dh knows that for 27 days out of every month I expect teA or something teA related. I can understand if he is not in the mood or is grieving a death or something, but if we go more than two days without.....I worry.

 

Goodness.

 

I bow before such...stamina.:tongue_smilie::thumbup::scared:

[stansclan89]

I agree with many previous posters. Get checked. It's not normal for it to go on for an extended period of time. Longer than a month would have meant me running screaming to my Dr. My dh knows that for 27 days out of every month I expect teA or something teA related. I can understand if he is not in the mood or is grieving a death or something, but if we go more than two days without.....I worry.

 

Even though this is a wonderful place for a woman to be in, since it seems that most men are there too, isn't this completely off? Abnormal for a woman? I cannot relate at all. (Though my dh wishes I would ;))

[Nestof3]

Even though this is a wonderful place for a woman to be in, since it seems that most men are there too, isn't this completely off? Abnormal for a woman? I cannot relate at all. (Though my dh wishes I would ;))

 

I would say it's on the rare end of the spectrum. I felt this desire when I was young and unmarried with a particular person, and I felt this way early on in marriage. I think if I were gaga, I would feel so much more desire.

[lil' maids in a row]

Yeah, but imagine you are not hungry at all. I mean you have absolutely no desire to eat and on top of that you feel like throwing up. And someone offers you a thick piece of heavy cloying chocolate cake and insists you eat it. You would have to choke it down. And meanwhile you have to act really happy about the cake and compliment the chef. It's kind of like that if I'm not in the mood. And if you don't understand that, I don't think you have the same problem (no snark meant, but I suspect some people really just don't get it).

 

 

I can so identify with this. I am in my early 30's by the way.

[Pixjen]

(I can't believe I'm going to talk about this publicly. I might delete this later....*deep breath*)

 

My DH and I have talked quite a bit about how men are microwaves and women are ovens. Women generally need some time to preheat which can look different for each person, even from day to day. Desire for a cuppa can change due to lots of different factors, and sometimes pinning down the exact cause can feel darn near impossible. Over the years DH and I have been both in sync, and desperately out of sync with each other. There were even several seasons where I wanted teA a lot more often than DH.

 

But in the last few years we have been in a drought. Neither one of us is happy with the situation. Some roadblocks we can figure out (those darn kids!:tongue_smilie:), but the biggest one doesn't have any easy fix. I had to have my ovaries removed because of an ovarian cancer scare and now I'm 8 yrs post-menopausal, at only 43. The side effect is very low/no "girly" hormones which makes teA very painful, which the body wishes to avoid both physically and emotionally. So far the only answer is localized hormone application, which I don't do b/c of all the hazards of synthetic hormones.

 

I wish there was an easy fix. I don't particularly want teA anymore, but it's a complicated mixture of hormones, pain and lack of interest because of the previous two. DH would like teA more often, but he's terrible at remembering preheating the oven, so that's another complication. But even if you removed all mental, emotional and environmental distractions, plus adding in plenty of preheating, have all the stars aligned, the hormones raging and both of us ready at the same time.....it's still physically excruciatingly painful for me. It has had an subtle effect on our relationship with each other. Thankfully our marriage is built on more than just physical compatibility, but I do often feel like we're roommates rather than a married couple. (I wish I could have a nice cuppa. *sigh*)

Edited September 14, 2012 by photojenic

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It probably IS abnormal for a woman, but also,....WE DON'T SEE EACH OTHER FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR, so we try to 'get it while we got it'. In that way, either one of us might not be totally 100% rarin' to go on certain nights, but we warm up as soon as the other person starts prepping the teA pot. ;)

 

I'm more in love with him today than when we met/dated/''fell in love". :001_wub: and that was 19 years ago.

[stansclan89]

It probably IS abnormal for a woman, but also,....WE DON'T SEE EACH OTHER FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS OUT OF EVERY YEAR, so we try to 'get it while we got it'. In that way, either one of us might not be totally 100% rarin' to go on certain nights, but we warm up as soon as the other person starts prepping the teA pot. ;)

 

I'm more in love with him today than when we met/dated/''fell in love". :001_wub: and that was 19 years ago.

 

I am most definitely on the other end of the spectrum :glare:. I feel relieved when dh is out of town on business so there is no pressure (real or not) to be rarin'. I love him completely and am definitely more in love now, after 23 years of marriage, but still do not react that way. We have been apart for the last 6 weeks (in the middle of a move and can't find a house) and, knowing me, we will have teA once or twice and I will be good for another week. He will not be though.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Ahhhh ok....see that is somethin right there...

 

Yeah, it does make it average out differently, doesn't it? ;)

[justamouse]

:iagree:

Historically looking at the Jewish Religion it seems there were lots of periods of abstinence. I also know that it wasn't unheard of in early Christian/Catholic marriages for the couples to choose to abstain, for different amounts of times and sometimes completely.

 

I believe our current beliefs about sex and whatever are normal are really too simplistic. There is too much focus about having to meet certain guidelines, when there is variation for everyone.

 

I also think that there can be certain underlying issues, obviously. I don't think anyone should feel guilty about their sex life due to anyone on-line but based on whatever works with you and your own spouse.

 

I notice that my hormones are a rollercoaster here, I cannot keep up with them or figure them out but dh loves me regardless.

 

Well, yes, there is a time of abstinence for O Jews, right? And in the old days, sometime marrieds would both, together, chose to be monastics, but that was a mutual decision.

 

Dreading sex with your Dh is not those things. *g*

 

It's something I would fight for-It's something that I've fought for within myself. I didn't chose to get married and be a roommate. My spouse is my spouse because I am intimate with him in a way I am not with anyone else on this earth. That is precious, special, and important.

 

I had 7 kids, I know about not wanting to, and those seasons. Nursing was a particularly hard time for me, but it was for a time. It wasn't because I couldn't stand it, or didn't want it. It was because my body was hormonally busy. :D And, he understood.

[I.Dup.]

But sometimes our husbands would like just the opposite. I know my DH would rather have regularly scheduled "maintenance" teA than rare but "good" teA.

 

When teA is done right it is supposed to be both parties enjoying themselves and sharing something wonderful. But like *any* joint effort, it requires compromise :).

 

:iagree:

 

I think it is a very normal combination of marital stresses accumulating over the years and hormonal changes. I am finding that so much of my existence is determined by hormones, like it or not. They really are so powerful in influencing behavior. When I am ovulating, I can be almost violent in my desire (dh loved that :D) but at other times, I could go months without it and be fine. I do it anyway, but can relate to what many others have shared.

 

There are many women in great marriages who really couldn't care less about teA. But flipping the coin, how many women in terrible marriages are all over the dhs all the time? Probably not many. Not only are we strongly hormonally dependent in our desire (as women) but mentally/emotionally. I often wonder why God made us so...complicated in this way. :tongue_smilie:

[Nestof3]

Like it or not, sex drive would never be there if it were not for hormones/chemicals.

 

You can see the effect of this when a man's testosterone is off or when a man takes antidepressants.

[justLisa]

See maybe you are onto something. Maybe to solve some women's low libido problem we need to drug men. If we lower their testosterone levels they won't care. :lol:

 

BAhahaha!

[Soror]

Well, yes, there is a time of abstinence for O Jews, right? And in the old days, sometime marrieds would both, together, chose to be monastics, but that was a mutual decision.

 

Dreading sex with your Dh is not those things. *g*

 

It's something I would fight for-It's something that I've fought for within myself. I didn't chose to get married and be a roommate. My spouse is my spouse because I am intimate with him in a way I am not with anyone else on this earth. That is precious, special, and important.

 

 

I agreeing that dreading sex with your dh is not a good thing. However, in the Church we hold the belief that Mary and Joseph lived in abstinence. Would we consider them any less married? I know I've also read of other Saints choosing to live abstinent lives after children and even sometimes join religious communities apart from each other. So, I think within our faith community (which I only say as I know you are Catholic as well) we should be careful to define marriage as requiring sex. We all have different paths, there isn't a one size fit all.

[Nestof3]

See maybe you are onto something. Maybe to solve some women's low libido problem we need to drug men. If we lower their testosterone levels they won't care. :lol:

 

It is funny, but it's also true. It's one of the reasons men don't like being on antidepressants. I have to say, though, that I do think it would be great for every man to experience a lack of drive b/c they can finally empathize with how women feel much of the time.

[I.Dup.]

Ok, I'm going to tell DH I've decided to become a saint.

 

:lol::lol:

 

Let us know how that goes over!

[Nestof3]

Holy cow do I understand that. I was on Prozac years ago. I've admitted in a post prior that I can't O without M. Well on Prozac I couldn't O even if somehow a miracle was performed on me. NOTHING...would work. It was like I was totally numb.

 

Yep. Chemicals. I think we think we have more control over the whole thing than we do.

 

And, if I see one more movie where each person climaxes at the same time with nothing to clean up, I'm going to throw the remote. (I'm really not watching raunchy movies).

[Soror]

Ok, I'm going to tell DH I've decided to become a saint.

 

See, problem solved :)

[I.Dup.]

Yep. Chemicals. I think we think we have more control over the whole thing than we do.

 

And, if I see one more movie where each person climaxes at the same time with nothing to clean up, I'm going to throw the remote. (I'm really not watching raunchy movies).

 

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

[Nestof3]

And, if men and women were exactly the same with regard to their drives and views of tea, I think there would be far more tea assaults on men.

[Nestof3]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

Exactly! Bwahah!

[Scarlett]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

LOL. Hilarious.

[justLisa]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

I just died reading that. It is so true. I must have a towel nearby.

Holy cow do I understand that. I was on Prozac years ago. I've admitted in a post prior that I can't O without M. Well on Prozac I couldn't O even if somehow a miracle was performed on me. NOTHING...would work. It was like I was totally numb.

 

See I took zoloft for 6 months. I read that was a side effect and I said if I experienced it I would stop. Well that is what happened. I was absolutely NOT ABLE.

[justamouse]

I agreeing that dreading sex with your dh is not a good thing. However, in the Church we hold the belief that Mary and Joseph lived in abstinence. Would we consider them any less married? I know I've also read of other Saints choosing to live abstinent lives after children and even sometimes join religious communities apart from each other. So, I think within our faith community (which I only say as I know you are Catholic as well) we should be careful to define marriage as requiring sex. We all have different paths, there isn't a one size fit all.

 

I'm thinking that was totally different. Mary lived in the Temple, before being married, and Joseph was a much older man.

 

I think I'm going to disagree with you here--to act of marriage in the church is to procreate. I totally agree that some chose *mutually* to join religious communities, as I said PP. But as far as what I've read of marriage in the church? It's to form a family.

[Pixjen]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

:iagree: :smilielol5:

[justamouse]

And, if men and women were exactly the same with regard to their drives and views of tea, I think there would be far more tea assaults on men.

 

assault has nothing to do with sex.

[Pixjen]

I have solved my low libido problem. I will first drug my husband with hormone suppressing drugs, then declare myself a saint. By the end not only will I finally be off the hook, he will be worshiping me for my frigidness.

 

 

:lol: :lol::lol:

[freeindeed]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

:iagree: and :lol::lol:

 

Large towels always remedy that for me.;)

[Nestof3]

assault has nothing to do with sex.

 

I'm sorry, but I do think it speaks to a difference in their drive.

[Denisemomof4]

Well lady you need to bottle that. I'd buy it.

 

NOT ME!!!!!! NOT NOW!!!!!

 

I really do wish I knew if my loss is due to menopause. I admit I have done no reading about it. My desire only started to be affected this year.

 

A couple years back dh and I purposed to partake in TeA making daily. To me it was definitely more of a chore and not as pleasurable. A little break between sessions makes a more powerful boil.;)

[Denisemomof4]

Yeah, it does make it average out differently, doesn't it? ;)

 

Maybe? I know dh and I are never really separated. He is home four days per week and the three days he is in the office, he is home like clockwork at 5:30 every day.

[justLisa]

NOT ME!!!!!! NOT NOW!!!!!

 

I really do wish I knew if my loss is due to menopause. I admit I have done no reading about it. My desire only started to be affected this year.

 

A couple years back dh and I purposed to partake in TeA making daily. To me it was definitely more of a chore and not as pleasurable. A little break between sessions makes a more powerful boil.;)

 

Well my mom recently went through that over the last few years. Now she says it only takes her about 45 seconds. I know right?.....talking to mom about it. That's just how we are :D

[Denisemomof4]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

OH MY GOSH THIS IS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!! and yes, dh collapses, yes, I waddle.:lol::lol::lol:

[Denisemomof4]

Well my mom recently went through that over the last few years. Now she says it only takes her about 45 seconds. I know right?.....talking to mom about it. That's just how we are :D

 

I think it's awesome you talk to your mom about it! I hope I share that relationship with my dd's. Dd12 and I have always been very open with our communication.

I can say it takes FAR LESS TIME to get to a roaring boil now, but I just enjoy more time between brews.;)

[Kathryn]

Yeah, why don't they ever show the very un-sexy waddle to the bathroom with the hand between the legs? Or is that only me? LOL They always collapse on the bed afterward and just lounge around, but I cannot stand the thought of a wet spot. :ack2:

 

:lol: We always use towels. I'm surprised my son hasn't asked why we have a stack of towels beside the bed.

 

I have solved my low libido problem. I will first drug my husband with hormone suppressing drugs, then declare myself a saint. By the end not only will I finally be off the hook, he will be worshiping me for my frigidness.

 

:lol::lol:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Hmmm, how do I say this? :confused:

 

But,....there are practices that some of us 'partake' in in which a wet spot is not an issue. :ohmy:

 

 

And NO, libido has NOTHING to do with teA assault, which is why chemical castration for offenders is ridiculous. It is a show of power, which is why children and little old ladies and ANIMALS get assaulted. It was not because they were so alluring or that the offender was so worked up. It was about power/force.....not teA.

[PrincessMommy]

Even though this is a wonderful place for a woman to be in, since it seems that most men are there too, isn't this completely off? Abnormal for a woman? I cannot relate at all. (Though my dh wishes I would ;))

 

yeah, even when things were good for me, it wasn't like that. THAT sounds abnormal to me. Maybe you should go see your doctor ;)

[PrincessMommy]

See maybe you are onto something. Maybe to solve some women's low libido problem we need to drug men. If we lower their testosterone levels they won't care. :lol:

 

:lol: Hey, I think you're on to something! ;)

[ThatCyndiGirl]

yeah, even when things were good for me, it wasn't like that. THAT sounds abnormal to me. Maybe you should go see your doctor ;)

 

 

Ha! That's funny! I talked to my Dr. about it and she said, "enjoy it while ya' got it!" (and yeah, all of my levels of all hormones, thyroid, etc. are normal.)

 

I will say, though that ever since I've been tap dancing I'm not quite as.....insistent that dh MAKE ME SOME teA, RIGHT NOW!! He has appreciated the reduced level of hyperdrive. He has actually uttered phrases like, "can we just cuddle tonight?" "How about a night off?" and "Ive heard that some wives just like to talk about their feelings. Do you wanna do that?" (to which I replied, "How about we brew some teA while talking about our feelings?")

 

ETA: Hey, it just hit me. Maybe if some of the dhs with higher sex drives than their wives took up tap dancing.....it would help?

Edited September 15, 2012 by ThatCyndiGirl
because of tap dancing

[Denisemomof4]

Ha! That's funny! I talked to my Dr. about it and she said, "enjoy it while ya' got it!" (and yeah, all of my levels of all hormones, thyroid, etc. are normal.)

 

I will say, though that ever since I've been tap dancing I'm not quite as.....insistent that dh MAKE ME SOME teA, RIGHT NOW!! He has appreciated the reduced level of hyperdrive. He has actually uttered phrases like, "can we just cuddle tonight?" "How about a night off?" and "Ive heard that some wives just like to talk about their feelings. Do you wanna do that?" (to which I replied, "How about we brew some teA while talking about our feelings?")

 

ETA: Hey, it just hit me. Maybe if some of the dhs with higher sex drives than their wives took up tap dancing.....it would help?

 

:lol::lol::lol:Really??? A husband who asks his wife to talk about her feelings???:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

;)

[stansclan89]

ETA: Hey, it just hit me. Maybe if some of the dhs with higher sex drives than their wives took up tap dancing.....it would help?

 

That would be fun to watch :lol:. I'm sure some dh s would not be as hilarious to watch trying to tap dance, but mine sure would be.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

:lol::lol::lol:Really??? A husband who asks his wife to talk about her feelings???:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

;)

 

 

He was desperate. He just wanted a night off. :glare: