amo_mea_filiis. Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 A family member of close family just died (my uncle's mother; uncle is by marriage). My father wants me to find a sitter, which isnt possible, and go to long island this thursday. It's not possible to do a day trip, and an overnight is not a good idea with ds. My first concern is ds. He cant turn off his problems, he is not capable of behaving at events and i cant imagine the stress of the 4 hour drive, and trying to keep it together at a funeral. It would stress him to the max, stress me, most certainly stress my father, and the only people not bothered by his behavior are the people most directly affected by the death. The last time we had to go to LI is when we got stranded on the side of a major highway. My car breaking down again is a real possibility, and that would leave my father bailing us out again. Am I being selfish by not planning to go? I am going to the card store today to get a card out, but i really dont see ds's presence adding anything but stress to a crappy situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Selfish? I don't think so. Seems more considerate to try to avoid adding stress and potential (likely?) chaos to an already stressful and chaotic day/situation. But try explainin' that to them, though, right? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 A family member of close family just died (my uncle's mother; uncle is by marriage). My father wants me to find a sitter, which isnt possible, and go to long island this thursday. It's not possible to do a day trip, and an overnight is not a good idea with ds. My first concern is ds. He cant turn off his problems, he is not capable of behaving at events and i cant imagine the stress of the 4 hour drive, and trying to keep it together at a funeral. It would stress him to the max, stress me, most certainly stress my father, and the only people not bothered by his behavior are the people most directly affected by the death. The last time we had to go to LI is when we got stranded on the side of a major highway. My car breaking down again is a real possibility, and that would leave my father bailing us out again. Am I being selfish by not planning to go? I am going to the card store today to get a card out, but i really dont see ds's presence adding anything but stress to a crappy situation. :grouphug::grouphug: Honey, you are not being selfish, you are being practical. That's a trait that many people lack. You have weighed the pros and the cons, you know what you are up against, and the cons are definitely tipping the balance by a lot. Your heart is telling you it isn't right and you brain comfirms it. Stay home and let the bereaved have a quiet funeral. Write a beautiful note, express your condolences, maybe have the children do some artwork, whatever you can and mail it tomorrow. It's never easy. Never. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 "Sorry, Dad, I can't come. I'm sending a card to the family/flowers to the funeral/a donation to ___." You aren't heartless, you just can't do this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Nope, not selfish. I stayed home with my kids from a funeral today myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Selfish? I don't think so. Seems more considerate to try to avoid adding stress and potential (likely?) chaos to an already stressful and chaotic day/situation. But try explainin' that to them, though, right? :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 SELFISH????!!!!!! Seriously???? with the issues that you have been dealing with this week? You've just emptied your house from things that can be thrown in a tantrum and someone's trying to twist your arm to get you to a funeral? You have WAY too many issues going to take a trip anywhere. NOT SELFISH at all. Figuring out your boy needs to be your first priority right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I wouldn't feel guilty about not going. Not for a second. There is too much potential for disaster. Send the card, stay home. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I have a child who cannot handle a car trip like that and a sitter would be out of the question (unless my mom was available). So I wouldn't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 Card questions- Can i address my aunt and uncle (his mother) on the "loss of mother" card? If not, do i get a 2nd card and address it to both of them? What type of drawing would be most appropriate for dd to send? Ds can just draw a heart with "i'm sorry" in it. Do i apologize for not being there? Write why we're not there? Just getting a card to them will be a huge surprise (i'm extremely terrible with cards), but doing it all "right" would be even better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I'd just say that I was sorry that circumstances kept me from attending and that I wish I could have made it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 There is absolutely NO way I would take him to a funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kareng Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) I'd just say that I was sorry that circumstances kept me from attending and that I wish I could have made it. :iagree:With the above & :iagree:with staying home. If you think it will work for your son to draw a heart that says, "I'm sorry" that is very sweet. Up until a few years ago, I have spent my life feeling like I had to EXPLAIN and APOLOGIZE for everything I I did/said or didn't do/say that I thought (key words) didn't meet up to someone else's expectations. It was the worst with family members. And then one day I realized that 1) I didn't owe anyone an explanation (not even God since He already knew) and 2) I have a special needs child also and I have to do what works for us as a family. PERIOD, no questions asked, no explanations needed. You NEED to do what works for you and your family. PERIOD. Sending a note will be enough and will bless them because you're not there (and stressed) and because you don't send notes very often. Be at peace and be home. Hugs and prayers sent your way, :grouphug: P.S. However you address the card (one card will do), it'll be fine. Personally, I think "mother" works for both mother and mother-in-law. Just keep taking deep breaths and trust your heart. :001_smile: Edited September 11, 2012 by kareng Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Card questions- Can i address my aunt and uncle (his mother) on the "loss of mother" card? If not, do i get a 2nd card and address it to both of them? What type of drawing would be most appropriate for dd to send? Ds can just draw a heart with "i'm sorry" in it. Do i apologize for not being there? Write why we're not there? Just getting a card to them will be a huge surprise (i'm extremely terrible with cards), but doing it all "right" would be even better. ONE card, purchased at the store, with "We are terribly sorry for your loss," written on it. Done. Unless your kids were very close to the deceased, there is no reason in the world why they should have to make cards. Don't say a word about the funeral. Keep it simple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Selfish? I don't think so. Seems more considerate to try to avoid adding stress and potential (likely?) chaos to an already stressful and chaotic day/situation. But try explainin' that to them, though, right? :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Just send one card without mention of why you aren't there. The kids don't need to add anything to it. "We're very sorry for your loss. Praying for you/Thinking about you all. Love _____" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Selfish? I don't think so. Seems more considerate to try to avoid adding stress and potential (likely?) chaos to an already stressful and chaotic day/situation. But try explainin' that to them, though, right? :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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